Forever

xoxo

My Un-Romance of 2013

Photo Credit: Lindsay Coleman

     I hate sounding like a broken record. Repeating the same things over and over again, with no new result.

     And then I look to my inspirations. My friends, my family, God. They're all artists in some way, in some fashion.

     They leave a unique fingerprint on my heart that no one else can overshadow or take away.

     I've been missing out on so much love.

     Love that's been right there in front me.

     Why do I, feel the need to want and want and want those things that are allusive. Farther away.

     Because when I get close to those things, I then want and want and want something further out.

     And so the cycle continues.

     I hate sounding like a broken record.

     I've spent more time thinking about you and thinking about what you'd think of me when I say what I'm about to say.

     Year after year, I've proclaimed that a particular year would be, had to be, couldn't help but be, my year--the year in which all my romantic notions and expectations would be fulfilled. We've prayed about it, had dreams about it, cried about it, laughed about it,  had visions about it, confirmations about it, and so on and so forth.

     But in an attempt to not outsmart my circumstances, I'm proclaiming that 2013 will be my year of Singleness.  The year of no romance for Patrice.

    Now, I know some of you will be tempted to text and call me immediately after reading that last sentence. But I encourage you not to.

     Because 2013 will be a year of great love for me. I'm convinced of that.

     Romance is already all around me. And I love celebrating it.

     I love looking at the grandeur of a sunset, the beauty of the lines on my mother's face.

     The magic of when two eyes meet and there's a special connection, if only for a moment.

     I love the way in which God speaks to me through the teenagers I mentor at my church. And how God loves me in the ordinary and mundane to-dos of my life.

     I love the sensation of writing and hearing from someone who has connected with my words.

     It's all wonderfully and magnificently romantic.

     But somehow along the way, I've lost sight of timing and truth and how my heart truly fits into my own romance story. I need to clear my head, and I think 2013 is just the place to do it in.

     I don't want to miss the now, looking at the not yet fully formed future.

     You see, I hate sounding like a broken record. And I hate looking like a fool. And somehow, I feel like I've effortlessly accomplished both in these last several years.

     And yes, my heart is still hurting a bit from this year's failed romantic expectations,  and perhaps it's also a bit guarded, but that's not the only reason I'm throwing in the towel. I feel myself half-living in certain areas because I feel cheated in some way. Which is a complete lie. My life is full and complete and overflowing with love and goodness. And if something (or my own views and perspectives) are preventing me from seeing that, they need to move aside and get readjusted.

    I mean, aren't you interested in hearing other topics from me in this blog, beyond the one I've been addressing for the last several years? There's so much more.

     But please believe, I'll continue to encourage and believe with you for your beautiful God-given romance. I know it's on its way. But for me, the verdict is still pending. And that's okay. Things are not always as they appear or how we think they will or should be.

     And that's the truth I have to consider.

     So in 2013, I'm intentionally choosing a new journey. A new outlook.

     And now the repeating record just stopped.

Wisdom's Knocking:

"I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again."

- F. Scott Fitzgerald

Our Dirt

Photo Credit: Milo Ventimiglia 

Wisdom's Knocking: 

What you do in the dark, will get revealed in the Light...

Eventually.

I Love When Thugs Talk Marriage

When asked why he never was unfaithful to Joanne, Paul Newman famously replied, 
"Why fool around with hamburger when you have steak at home?"

     Why do I love them thugs?

     And why, must I occasionally fall for them playas. Someone who's chasing the next pretty young thang. I thought I was through with this phase in high school.

     Nope.

     Turns out, men often stay 18 years old in the mind.

     No. Not all men.

     Just most.

     Okay. That was Bitter Betty talking.

     Let me pull back.

     But mostly, I want a man that is a thug, has a few tattoos, rough around the edges, but loves Jesus, has legit integrity, is generous, intelligent, tells me my Pinterest page is inspiring, has great style, supports my dreams, and has the heart of a teddy bear. Oh, is hot, my bestie, and can make me laugh.

     But now I mostly sound like a "Consumer".  Like my future boo is simply meant to be a product that can best serve me...you know, until the warranty runs out. Or something like that.

     Instead of looking at how my future boo will be a gift and miraculously used in the sanctification plans of God's heart for me.

     I know. I just got deep.

     But truly, marriage is not meant to be simply a "Self-serving" product, with its value placed solely on my own happiness.

     Wait. What?

     What the heck have I been expecting these past years?

     Needless to say, in 2013, I'll be reading Timothy Keller's book: The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God

“In sharp contrast with our culture, the Bible teaches that the essence of marriage is a sacrificial commitment to the good of the other. That means that love is more fundamentally action than emotion. But in talking this way, there is a danger of falling into the opposite error that characterized many ancient and traditional societies. It is possible to see marriage as merely a social transaction, a way of doing your duty to family, tribe and society. Traditional societies made the family the ultimate value in life, and so marriage was a mere transaction that helped your family's interest. By contrast, contemporary Western societies make the individual's happiness the ultimate value, and so marriage becomes primarily an experience of romantic fulfillment. But the Bible sees GOD as the supreme good - not the individual or the family - and that gives us a view of marriage that intimately unites feelings AND duty, passion AND promise. That is because at the heart of the Biblical idea of marriage is the covenant.” ― Timothy Keller, The Meaning of Marriage

     I was listening to a few interviews of Timothy Keller and his wife, Kathy Keller last week, as they talked about their own story, and the complexities, purposes, and beauty of a godly marriage and I was blown away. I've been studying this topic of marriage for almost 10 years. And I had heard much of what the Keller's shared, before. But this time, I heard all of this information, as if for the the first time. And I felt a bit of conviction and shame, knowing my current motives of marriage.

      Current motives of marriage = Good sex and someone to help zip-up my dresses and sometimes cook for me and to look good next to me in photos, oh and of course help me lead my teenagers in my youth group. But notice what I listed first.

     Look. I keeps it real.

     I mean, I'm basically looking for a product, preferably at a good deal.

     Never listing what I would want to give and do for my spouse. The ways in which I could love and serve him.

     No. Instead. I'm listing the ways in which he can help fulfill my purposes and my desires. That's definitely not the full picture.

     If I've learned anything from my parents, it's that a good marriage doesn't just happen. Good marriages are cultivated, with intentionality and sacrifice.

     Not that I won't find sheer delight in my future boo, but I have to leave behind this notion of romance being absolutely effortless. Because that is simply not true.

“This principle - that your spouse should be capable of becoming your best friend - is a game changer when you address the question of compatibility in a prospective spouse. If you think of marriage largely in terms of erotic love, then compatibility means sexual chemistry and appeal. If you think of marriage largely as a way to move into the kind of social status in life you desire, then compatibility means being part of the desired social class, and perhaps common tastes and aspirations for lifestyle. The problem with these factors is that they are not durable. Physical attractiveness will wane, no matter how hard you work to delay its departure. And socio-economic status unfortunately can change almost overnight. When people think they have found compatibility based on these things, they often make the painful discovery that they have built their relationship on unstable ground. A woman "lets herself go" or a man loses his job, and the compatibility foundation falls apart.” ― Timothy Keller, The Meaning of Marriage

     2012 has taught me one thing very well: I know a lot, but I don't know enough. And I definitely don't know everything.

“Love without truth is sentimentality; it supports and affirms us but keeps us in denial about our flaws. Truth without love is harshness; it gives us information but in such a way that we cannot really hear it. God's saving love in Christ, however, is marked by both radical truthfulness about who we are and yet also radical, unconditional commitment to us. The merciful commitment strengthens us to see the truth about ourselves and repent. The conviction and repentance moves us to cling to and rest in God's mercy and grace.” ― Timothy Keller, The Meaning of Marriage

     I'm willing to learn again. I'm willing to admit my mistakes and my missteps. I'm willing to give this thing another go. But I think I need to take some time to listen.

     I need to listen to my own heart again. I need to listen to what God is saying about me, again. And I need to learn to trust again.

     I think that's what 2012 has been about for me. The question being: You've learned to forgive, You've learned how to get low and humble, but now can you learn to trust? "Will you trust me?" - God whispers to me.

“Real love, the Bible says, instinctively desires permanence.” ― Timothy Keller, The Meaning of Marriage

     Yeah. It's one thing to forgive someone for hurting you or a crappy 2012 for being horrible. But can you trust him again, can you trust that 2012 will end better than it began? Trust is not first placed in the hands of the offender, but instead in the hand of the eternal One, the Most trustworthy one. "Will you trust me?" He whispers.

“...We must say to ourselves something like this: 'Well, when Jesus looked down from the cross, he didn't think "I am giving myself to you because you are so attractive to me." No, he was in agony, and he looked down at us - denying him, abandoning him, and betraying him - and in the greatest act of love in history, he STAYED. He said, "Father, forgive them, they don't know what they are doing." He loved us, not because we were lovely to him, but to make us lovely. That is why I am going to love my spouse.' Speak to your heart like that, and then fulfill the promises you made on your wedding day.” ― Timothy Keller, The Meaning of Marriage

     I think I can. I think I can trust You. All over again.

     As if nothing bad ever happened to me. Because Your love can do that.

 “When over the years someone has seen you at your worst, and knows you with all your strengths and flaws, yet commits him- or herself to you wholly, it is a consummate experience. To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.” ― Timothy Keller, The Meaning of Marriage

     I was offended. Very offended. So offended that I didn't want to believe anymore. And I definitely didn't want to trust You. Everything was tarnished, especially the dream. And now it's all impossible.

     I think that's the way You wanted it.

     Just so You could ask me again..."Will you trust me?"

     And I, with tears in my eyes, like a little child...say, "Yes."

Wisdom's Knocking:

“Only with time do we really learn who the other person is and come to love the person for him- or herself and not just for the feelings and experiences they give us.” 

― Timothy Keller, The Meaning of Marriage

He Just Wanted to Be Held

Photo Credit: Ashley Johnson

He looked her in the eye and decided to tell her the truth.

I just want to be held. And I want to be held by you.

He was feeling brave.

All the things you say when you're not afraid.

He said them.

And she looked at him with wide eyes.

Wisdom's  Knocking:

When love is a statement, it can often get passed off as every day white noise. But when love is an invitation, it demands a response outside of the ordinary.

Beauty Is Fragile

“Do I love you because you're beautiful, or are you beautiful because I love you?” 

 ― Richard Rodgers, Rodgers & Hammerstein's Cinderella

Photo Credit: Kawika Drummond

::::

     We're both on the same page. My friend and I. We've both shared a similar faux romance journey basically all of 2012. Her story is different than mine. But so much the same.

     Fellas:

     When your friend, who is a girl, seems to be sad around you more than normal for no reason, and you do your do-diligence by asking what's wrong...and she says, "Nothing." Please don't think that was the truth.

     And if you assume that she's just tired, you'd still be wrong.

     The fact is, she's in love with you and you haven't gotten a clue.

     And the wrestling of her emotions is getting the best of her.

     My friend and I with our respective potentials, thought we were headed towards magic, something real. And then death after death began to engulf us.

     I didn't want to go down without a fight.

     The weight of my own heart got the best of me.

     And I did something I never recommend doing. Ever. Simply because it takes away a part of the pursuit of the man--of which my heart craves.

     But nevertheless...I spilled the beans.

     For some reason, I felt I had to risk it. If you must know, the dream is still gnawing at me and I can't seem to let it go. And in my present knowledge I don't know of anyone else that could fill the outline of what my heart saw that one October night in the land of my dreams.

     So, I told him how I felt and subsequently how I knew he wasn't ready for my heart. I simply wanted him to know what had really been going on with my heart all summer long.

     His response?

     Nothing to really write home about. In fact, there was no final and definite response, which is more disappointing than a heartfelt, "No, I don't feel the same way about you...let's just be friends..." But I have to guess that his lack of response, to me pouring out my heart is his response.

     And in attempt to honor my own heart, I've distanced my self from him. Healing of my ego and heart has to occur and subsequently, I want to be ready for the one who is meant for me and is unashamedly and with confidence ready to choose me without hesitation.

     Is it too much to ask for someone to be brave?...To be vulnerable....kind...adventurous...open...and honest? Yes, these attributes don't usually just happen...but instead are the product of intentionality. Of which I hope I'm growing more and more in.

     So what will happen with him and I? Only God knows. Truly. But this all may simply become a distant memory or the foundation of something I needed to finally learn.

     2012 has been full of surprises for me...not necessarily the good kind. People that are thought were meant for each other and would be together forever are parting ways. And I've wept with more friends this year than ever before.

     But in all of this, I haven't forgotten what I really want. What makes my heart come alive. Love and it's beauty.

     The thing about beauty is that it's so tender...so fragile. A beautiful face can be easily ruined with one slice or burn. A beautiful painting can be dropped and destroyed, so on and so forth.

     These things that we consider beautiful cause us to come alive and we look for them, we pursue them. When things present themselves as potential beauty, we start to get butterflies.

     And then we plan a way and a means to capture this beauty, to behold it as our own forever. But sometimes that beauty is not just for us, but for others.

     The thing about beauty is that it's fragile and is often best held with open hands. Because as soon as you close your hands, you are most likely to crush it.

     And what about my beautiful friend? How is she doing now? After walking out all of 2012 in patience and hope, wanting to embrace the love of her life, only to be ousted by another girl at the last minute, someone she feels she could never be, someone who he is now proclaiming to be in love with and wants to marry.

     And now beauty seems to have left her hands...

     Yes. She's heartbroken. Crushed. Disappointed and confused by all the previous signals he gave. But she's choosing strength in tenderness. And I know, because of this, beauty is sure to return to her hands.

     To love is no easy task--it's not for cowards and for those with commitment issues. And it's definitely more helpful if you have a sense of humor.

     Because mature love is for those that are willing to get back up again, everyday...


     With open hands--ready to receive something fragile and beautiful...once again.

Wisdom's Knocking:

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.” 

 ― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

You Miss My Words In Your Mouth

Photo Credit: Hannah Anderson

     I've been wanting to write to you for some time, but life has been...something of an "Alice in Wonderland."

     Since the last time I've written, I've surprised myself with my own boldness, with my own tenderness, and with my own strength.

     I've gotten a glimpse of heaven.

     I've wept with friends.

     I've faced some demons.

     I've stepped out once again into the unknown.

     It's funny the imprint that people leave on our souls. You know the more you start hanging around someone, the more you begin to sound like them. You unconsciously embrace their words, their heart, their emotions.

     It's interesting to think that there's someone out there in the world that sounds like you, simply for the fact that they spent significant time with you. An imprint has been made.

     And likewise, you sound like someone. You may think you sound 'just like yourself.' But unless, you've been kept in a cave for the last 10 years, you don't simply sound like yourself, but more like the people you embrace, which in turn becomes a reflection of your own heart.

     I was looking at Instagram a few minutes ago. And I noticed someone using 'my words'. And I thought to myself..."I guess I did make an impact. I guess I did matter to them in some intangible way."

     2012 is almost over. And I don't quite know how to recap this year.

     My heart has broken more times than I'd like to count this year. My Field of Dreams somehow dried up and played me.

     And yet, there's a melody riding on the winds that are softly blowing. It's not a loud song. It doesn't need to be, for me to pause and begin to listen.

     This song sounds like someone I know. A Someone that has left an imprint on my soul.  How long will this melody play?

     And does this melody lead into a song?

     I. Honestly. Have. No. Idea.




      But I'm convinced, that I'll only find out by waking up tomorrow and choosing to embrace new words in my mouth.

Wisdom's Knocking:

"I have put my words in your mouth and covered you with the shadow of my hand--I who set the heavens in place, who laid the foundations of the earth, and who say to Zion, 'You are my people." - Isaiah 51:10

I've Chosen You

     Photo Credit: Paris Garbowsky

     It's about to get real. The holidays are coming. And for many, it's a time of pain and disappointment.

     But I feel like it's of the utmost importance to let you know, and to remind myself that we have not been forgotten.

     Through the battles and the wars, the pain and the tears, you've never been invisible. Your hustle has not gone unnoticed. But know this, your hustle does not completely define you.

     If you look to your hustle to completely define you, you'll be left wanting. Because a hustle in itself cannot bring fulfillment, cannot bring peace to your soul,  and cannot usher in love to your heart.

     What you need is something that you could not have fully worked for on your own. A Love that has Chosen you first, before you even gave a second thought towards it. A Love that propels you forward in all things. Motivating you beyond your own efforts and limitations. Bringing meaning and purpose to the hustle.

     I'm challenged this holiday season more than ever to take time just being with God. No agendas other than being loved.

     To my blog readers, you've been with me throughout the crushing blows of defeat and the pinnacles of hope freshly envisioned for my 2012. In many ways I still feel like I'm grasping for straws. But it has been your prayers, your love, and your encouragement, that has given me the courage to not give up just yet.

     As I type this, tears are welling up in my eyes. I'm so blessed to know that many of you have found encouragement and wisdom in this little blog. We've definitely been on this journey together. And I'm so thankful for you.

     Sometimes we are shy or even ashamed to admit how much we need love.  I know I was, before starting this blog. But the truth is, we were made to be loved, fully and completely. And now the overriding theme of this blog has basically become how love or the lack of love motivates and propels just about everything we do. Even how we put wisdom into practice.

    And now, I simply want to hold your face with both of my hands, with tenderness and love, look you in the eyes, and tell you with all my being and with all sincerity,

     You are loved, you are seen, and you are chosen.

Wisdom's Knocking:

"Weeping may endure for a night...but joy comes in the morning."

-Psalm 30:5

Full Figured

Photo Credit: Lindsay Coleman

     I'm so angry I could spit.

     I just got word, that one of my close lady friends just got the run around from one of our guy friends. He decided to pursue her, woo her, said sweet nothings in her ear, and basically wanted to make an honest woman of her.

     Then Cut To:

     He gets scared. He tells her that he's not attracted to her... Enough. And that's the only reason why he can't move forward with the relationship.

     What the f...

     Then why did you even toy with her emotions like this in the first place? Selfish.

     This could have been easily forgivable if he hadn't told her this multiple times throughout their friendship...yes, we are talking years and years and years of this "almost pursuit" and then he drops his infamous bomb. The sentiment and exact words being, "I want you, but I don't want you. You're just not pretty enough."

      Let me go find my nutcracker.

     I digress.

     Needless to say, my lady friend has walked through this all with grace and wisdom. Even when our guy friend was promising her the world and a future, something within her heart was simply saying "Let's go slow, and wait and see..." ...And then the truth surfaced. As it always tends to do.

     Now she has chosen to completely cut ties with him for good. Yes. Wise decision. She'll have to stay strong though, because in 6 months, I have a feeling he'll try to come crawling back with apologies, sweet talk, and the like.

     All in all, I'm pretty sure I'm more mad than she is. But I'm no fool. I know she's hurting and reeling from disappointment more than she'd like to.

     We as human beings crave true connection and intimacy more than anything else. What happens when that connection and intimacy comes in a package you weren't expecting? Will you still be grown-up enough to receive it? (Please believe. I'm preaching to myself here, too...)

     Are there still men out there who appreciate a woman with real womanly curves? Or am I living in some weird make believe world in my head?

     I understand that many people have their "preference".  I too had my preference back in the day. It was pretty simple, you needed to be Latino or Olive-Toned in some way shape or form...Puerto Rican, Cuban, Spanish, Brazilian, Italian, Israeli, etc. If you did not possess that particular ethnic background, I would not even consider looking at you in a romantic way. It just was not going to happen.

     But then somehow along the way, I found interesting connections (albeit, friendly) with guys that weren't any of those. I know. Shocking.

     In my circle of friends, most all would say that I only love skinny White guys, now. That's mostly true, but not entirely true. I simply love guys that get me and my quirkiness. I love and admire guys that live a certain lifestyle (I'm not talking monetarily here). And yes, many of those guys happen to be White. Which is interesting to me now, because of my previous Latino preferences, of whom I thought I was only attracted to. But needless to say, these days, I'm much more open.

     I'm not asking us to not be attracted to who we choose to be in a romantic relationship with. Attraction is a very important part of a relationship, it's just not the only component of a healthy and vibrant relationship.

     I'm just saying, if there's a spark of connection between you and someone else...recognize it.

     Don't cover it up. Don't try to pretend you didn't feel it or experience it--simply because the person that it came from surprised you or didn't fit your usual type. Because chances are, they felt it too.

     Only when you admit that there was a spark, can the true adventure begin. And truth be told, I think you'll enjoy what's on the other side. But here's the secret....In order to get to the other side...You'll have to be BRAVE.

     Man up. Woman up.

     Everyone may not be on board with your decision at first, and that's okay. They'll probably be more shocked than anything. They'll come around. Especially once they see the fruit of real love (not merely lust) emerging.

     But if you chose to ignore the spark (Or oddly abuse the spark for manipulation purposes) you'll never know what could have been...

----

     I love my figure. I love my shape. I love my...

     But more than that, I'm more convinced than ever that you and I have something extraordinary to bring to the table. Something that no one else can bring to a relationship.

     And when you connect with another person that recognizes that and gets you and chooses to be wholeheartedly brave. Oh, baby. That is truly magic, truly something special, truly Divine.



     Full figured or not.

Wisdom's Knocking:

"God said, “It’s not good for the Man to be alone; I’ll make him a helper, a companion.”

So God formed from the dirt of the ground all the animals of the field and all the birds of the air. He brought them to the Man to see what he would name them. Whatever the Man called each living creature, that was its name. The Man named the cattle, named the birds of the air, named the wild animals; but he didn’t find a suitable companion.

 God put the Man into a deep sleep. As he slept he removed one of his ribs and replaced it with flesh. God then used the rib that he had taken from the Man to make Woman and presented her to the Man.

The Man said, “Finally! Bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh! Name her Woman for she was made from Man.” Therefore a man leaves his father and mother and embraces his wife. They become one flesh. The two of them, the Man and his Wife, were naked, but they felt no shame."

-Genesis 2:18-25

I Didn't Want to Publish This...

Photo Credit: Denise Valle

Because then, I'm forced to remember.

We had a great time. It was nothing but friendly and sweet.

And then came time for our goodbyes.

In my mind, I'm thinking..."Just give me a fake hug, just give me a fake hug...And I'll be on my way..."

But no. It was like some weird magnet forced our bodies together into a proper embrace.

Uh. Oh.

It was snuggly. Just what I had been craving...almost all my life.

Shoot.

And then I felt a hand cup the back of my head.

Wait. What.

That's not part of a normal hug, fool.

I'm about to throw a flag down on this play.

The hand gently comes down.

Ok. That's better.

And then the hand comes back up again. And holds the back of my head with a bit of passion and intensity.

I'm sorry what.

No sir. You can't just spring those moves on people. Didn't your mama tell you these rules?

We unlock.

And I'm a bit stunned. He says some gibberish.

And I try not to drool on myself.

Well played, sir. Well played.

Now I'm trying to figure out middle names for our future babies.

Wisdom's Knocking: 

 "Oh, let me warn you, sisters in Jerusalem, by the gazelles, yes, by all the wild deer: Don’t excite love, don’t stir it up, until the time is ripe—and you’re ready." - Song of Solomon 2:7 

My Reasons for Running

Photo Credit: Natalie Drummond

I was running so fast.

So far.

It didn't even matter where I was going.

I was just running.

I didn't want to think about it. Think about you. Think about the us that never happened.

So I kept running.

And then I had to stop.

And the pain flooded.

It washed over me.

And somehow cleansed me.

And now,  I'm ready to run.

But for different reasons.

Can I Take You Home and Marry You?

Photo Credit: Jennifer Glasgow

I often wonder... 

Would I recognize you if you were right in front of my face? 

Would I have the courage to say yes to you if you asked me?

     Last month, I was minding my own business. I was just living life.

     My mom and I popped into one of our favorite joints, "Coco's Bakery Restaurant".

     Nothing was too out of the ordinary, except for the fact that I was wearing a dress. Nothing special. Just a dress.

     My mom and I were just about finished with our meal, when two men arrived and were seated right behind my mom.

     They seemed normal enough, but I could tell, one kept trying to catch glimpses of my table every few minutes. But I carried on my conversation and quality time with my mom as if I hadn't noticed the stares at all.

     And then finally, mom and I were done with our meal and our girl talk. Mom had to go freshen up in the bathroom before we were meant to leave.

     I felt a little bit nervous. Because I knew...as soon as she was out of sight...

    --The man that had been staring at my table in a non-stealthy way, jumped up from his meal and walked up to me, before I could run away.

     "Excuse me--Excuse me--"

     I simply respond with a gentle, "Hi."

     "Are you married??...."

     I grin. "No. I'm not."

     "Do you have a boyfriend?..."

     I keep smiling. "No. I don't."

     "Well...can I take you home and marry you?"

     My smile becomes a look of amusement.

     "Um. Wow. Um. No. I'm so sorry. (Note: I always feel like apologizing when I turn someone down...I understand the risk they just took...and I respect their hustle, their courage to approach and put it all out there--) I actually have to go. But that was incredibly sweet. Thank you so much.

     "But seriously. Can I take you home and marry you?"


     And now, I gracefully try to back out of this encounter.

     No need.

     Mom has begun to arrive back on the scene.

     "But can I get your number?..."

     "No...I'm sooo sorry..."

     He looks disappointed. Gives me a sad smile and sits back down with his friend at the table.

     My mom caught the end of that interaction.

     She just gives me this look that says..."Mmmhmm. You get it from your mama..."


     But then I start thinking, what made me turn him down immediately, without even giving him a true shot. I often talk about how I simply want to be pursued. But pursuit means nothing when passion can't be matched by my own feelings.

     I mean, if I'm gonna get real...honestly speaking, someone else was occupying my heart at the time. No, not a boyfriend. But someone...

     And when I have someone in mind, someone on my heart, no one else--no matter how good looking and eloquent they are stands a chance.

     But the day wasn't over.

     That same day. Someone that I had worked with weeks ago, texts me out of the blue.

     "I want to take you to dinner..."

     What the what.

     I am not lying when I tell you, I have not had a man act so romantically intentional towards me in such a gentleman-like way in close to 7 years. Serious.

     And so...I did something I haven't done in close to 7 years.

     I said yes....

     Was my heart still occupied by another?

     Yes.

     But this "other" was occupied with many others, and not yet ready to grow up.

     And I've fostered way too many faux dating relationships with guy friends in the past, that never had any intentions of loving me whole-heartedly.

---

     So that day,  I chose to be open.

     And so I said yes, to this guy. We haven't yet had our date. I'll let you know if and when we actually do. He's currently traveling with work, but when we are both in the same city, we'll try and make something happen.

     The idea of putting myself out there towards someone I'm not completely feeling a connection to, feels a bit exhausting.  That's why I chose not to in the past. But this time, I just choose to surrender again.

     And yes, I do feel a little bit weary. It's been harder than I thought to hope again.

     But it's not impossible.

     I don't know if I've made all the wisest decisions in 2012. In fact, I know I haven't. But the grace and love of God is...and has proven to be...Beyond.

     It's beyond anything I could have ever hoped for or imagine. And continues to meet me in this place of waiting.

     The literal dream I had of my mystery man still lingers in the atmosphere above my head. And I wonder...has he dreamed of me as well?...Is he right around the corner or already in my life? Is he full of love right now or is he stuck in a cycle of pain and hurt?

     Time will tell.

     Things are not always as they seem.

     The prelude is now giving way to the full story. And in the midst...

I often wonder...

Would I recognize you if you were right in front of my face?

Would I have the courage to say yes to you if you asked me?

Wisdom's Knocking:

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight." -Proverbs 3:5-6

Soft Living

I'm falling in love. Poetry is speaking to me once again.  The way that only a lover can. In loud whispers and subtle shouts, of which make my heart soften one more time.

I'm digging Warsan Shire and Iain Thomas as of late. Their words feel like kin to me. They inspire me to feel, to taste, to breathe deeper, to know more. And to sink deeper into my own skin as a writer.

So tonight, I made a photo in honor of one of my current favorite Iain Thomas lines. I couldn't seem to find a photo with this quote circulating the interweb anywhere, which was shocking to me. So I decided to make one of my own:

Photo Credit: Patrice Patrick

Hey Gigi, "He's Just Not That Into You"

Alex & Gigi

     It felt like a little bit of a throwback. I mean, once a movie plays on TV, it's officially a throwback, right?

     And especially since "Myspace" is the main social media talked about in the movie. I mean, once seen as the social media Promised Land, Myspace is now the Reno 911 of the internets. It's still functioning, it's just a few beats off and feels a little bit dirty.

     I had this sense that I somehow just saw the 2009 film, "He's Just Not that Into You", and at the same time, it felt like decades have gone by since I last saw this movie.

     I think I know why. There's something about this movie that often hits a little too close to home. Which causes me to want to distance myself from it. Like..."Yep. That's what we do as females." We read every little minuscule inflection and glance that you guys give us as some sort of build up to..."I love you and I can't live my life without you."

    But I also love this movie, because it tells the truth. And by looking at the movie's current IMDb rating, not many folks appreciated that half-happy ending. But life is like that. Love mixed with pain, mixed with truth.

     If you haven't read the book or seen the movie, here's the long and short of it (Don't worry, there aren't any spoilers):

     "Ten people in Baltimore deal with their respective romantic problems, usually thwarted by the differing ideals and desires of their chosen partner. At the center of this is Gigi , a young woman who repeatedly misinterprets the behavior of her romantic partners...Gigi is a single woman who repeatedly misreads mundane actions and comments from her dates as indications they are romantically interested in her. She then frets when the guy doesn't call."

     Let's repeat: "...Who repeatedly misreads mundane actions and comments from her [guy friends] as indications they are romantically interested in her." For the rest of this blog post, you can just call me Gigi.

     I think we all feel like Gigi at some point in our lives. Whether you're a guy or a girl. We're always trying to interpret signals. Trying to understand one another, trying to find a connection.

     But I love what Alex says in the movie:

     "If a guy wants to be with a girl, he will make it happen, no matter what."

     Simple and true. I cannot tell you how many guys I've seen trip over themselves to get a girl's number. Especially if they think they'll never see that girl again. Doesn't matter if they're at a bar, at church, at work, at the game, at your mama's house. The Hunter gene kicks in, and all of a sudden, they become incredibly intentional.

     I tried exercising the Huntress gene. That use to be my M.O. And I know some guys like that. But if I already feel like I can dominate and control you in some way, you as a guy, have already failed me. You're probably the kindest and most handsome guy on the planet, but if you need me to approach you before you'll pursue me, sorry guy, you're not gonna be strong enough for me in the end. So let's just cut our losses now and be........friends.

     So needless to say, I'll be intentional....about letting my guy pursue me.

    I know. It's a fine balance between not making me feel hunted, but hunting me. Making me feel safe, but still promising me adventure. But not impossible. And the guy's reward for working so hard? If the chemistry is there between us. I'll match his efforts with my passion, my time and my attention...

So these are some of my favorite lines from the movie:

Mary: I had this guy leave me a voice mail at work so I called him at home and then he e-mailed me to my Blackberry and so I texted to his cell and then he e-mailed me to my home account and the whole thing just got out of control. And I miss the days when you had one phone number and one answering machine and that one answering machine has one cassette tape and that one cassette tape either had a message from a guy or it didn't. And now you just have to go around checking all these different portals just to get rejected by seven different technologies. It's exhausting.

...  

Beth: I just need you to stop being nice to me unless you're gonna marry me.

... 

Gigi: We are all programmed to believe that if a guy acts like a total jerk that means he likes you.   

...

Gigi: Maybe his grandma died or maybe he lost my number or is out of town or got hit by a cab...
Alex: Or maybe he is not interested in seeing you again.

... 

Alex: So trust me when I say if a guy is treating you like he doesn't give a sh*t, he genuinely doesn't give a sh*t. No exceptions.

... 

Gigi: So what now I'm just supposed to turn from every guy who doesn't like me?
Alex: Uh. Yeah!
Gigi: There's not gonna be anybody left.

...

Alex: If a guy doesn't call you, he doesn't want to call you.

... 

Gigi: I may dissect each little thing and put myself out there so much but at least that means that I still care. Oh! You've think you won because women are expendable to you. You may not get hurt or make an ass of yourself that way but you don't fall in love that way either. You have not won. You're alone. I may do a lot of stupid sh*t but I'm still a lot closer to love than you are.

...

Gigi: ...But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is... just... moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope.

 -----

     In short, I literally cried my eyes out at the end of this movie. For a variety of reasons.

     Let that sink in. I cried.

     Sometimes it feels good to realize the truth. And sometimes it's a bit painful to realize the truth. And I cried.

     I'm pretty good at it. Crying. For those of you that don't know me very well, don't worry, I laugh a great deal.


     So what do you think of the tagline for this movie: "Are you the exception...or the rule?" Ooooo. I know. A bit intriguing, like a proper tagline should be.

     But seriously. Are you the exception, or the rule? Am I the exception or the rule?

     I think we both know the answer to that.

Wisdom's Knocking:

"You are terrifying and strange and beautiful,
Something not everyone knows how to love."

-Warsan Shire

Credit: Wikipedia, IMDb
Photo Credit: Darren Michaels

"She's Pretty for a Black Girl"

     Photo Credit: Tiffany Johnson

     I've heard some ignorant comments in my day, but this comment just irked me. It got under my skin and under my heart in an uncomfortable way.

     It wasn't even a comment directed towards me, but towards another young lady. And no, this comment wasn't made in jest, or to make a case for satire. It was just said, "matter-a-fact-ly" as I was walking next to this person that I know...

     I looked at this person in unbelief.

Wait. Do you realize that I'm Black? 

Do you realize that your comment would inherently have an affect on me and any insecurities that I may be dealing with on that day?

 
     Mind you, I know this person as an acquaintance and for the most part, I know this person is not  mean-spirited.  But nevertheless, I couldn't help but think, why would such a comment flow so freely from their lips?

     And when did the definition of beauty become so narrow?

     I know. I know. I'm not trying to be dumb. I know that certain elements equate to "Beauty": symmetry, a person's taste, etc. But the closer I've gotten to God in these past 10 years, the more I see beauty all around me. Including seeing the beauty in all types of people. It's like I can't help myself. Everyone looks gorgeous to me in so many different ways.

     So then, when I hear a comment like, "She pretty for a Black girl." It snaps me back to reality.

     So that's what the rest of the world thinks like...But truth be told,  I use to think that way as well. History shows us that even in the Black community, we've often skewed our own definition of beauty. Meaning, if you have lighter skin, you are often deemed more beautiful than someone with darker skin. Why must that be? Honestly.

     I almost bought into the hype when I was younger, which would have given me a bit of an advantage, considering my lighter skin tone as a Black girl. But then I would look at the face of my mother, her deep chocolate skin and face is synonymous with beauty, joy and kindness to me. And that's when I refused to believe the "world's" hype about what is considered beautiful.

     But it's often not just the "big bad world" that we have to filter opinions and information from. It's also those that are the closest to us. Whether family, best of friends, or the culture of our cities and communities. Do you simply sound like their echo, or do you have your own voice. And have you weighed your own speech lately? The motive and intent of our hearts can usually be masked by slick language. But are you just saying words, or do you really mean them?

     I know we all have our private language. How we talk to family and close, close friends. And then we usually have our public language. But both languages are influenced by one another. And very much express what you ultimately believe as true.

     Which got me thinking. What are we really saying with our words? And how is our tone when we speak to friends, bosses, teachers, sisters, mothers, bank tellers?... Have we listened to ourselves speak, lately? You should try it, it's quite enlightening and a bit exposing. Seriously.

     Because, when you speak, when I speak, when we speak, we change things. For either good or bad.  We have the ability to cause someone (including ourselves) to be brave, to soar, to see their own beauty and worth, or we have the ability to tear them down, crush them and destroy dreams and identity. All of this power, just with the simple words that we speak.

Wisdom's Knocking:

"Death and Life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit." 

-Proverbs 18:21

To the Man I Love

Photo Credit: Kappel Cloninger

Date: Sometime in the Future...


     It's been a long journey.

     A woman doesn't just give her true heart to just anyone.

     I was ready. And I just knew.

     Some people believe that true love stories are only relegated to perfect love songs and movie screens. But I knew better...

     In the summer of 2012, I had a conversation with a guy friend of mine. He asked me when was the last time, I had been in a relationship and I sheepishly answered...10 years ago. Shock filled his eyes.

     He asked how long that relationship had been, and I was embarrassed to say...but I admitted the truth nonetheless... The relationship had lasted only 6 months. He looked stunned and full of pity; and a bit of disapproval crossed his face.

     He then went on to ask me why the relationship ended. I stated, "Because he cheated."

     My friend stated, "Was that all?.."

     I looked perplexed.

     Had the rules of love changed?

     In my experience, true Love often produces a moral compass that is beyond our own common way of doing things. In essence, you want to do better, be better, love better. Love makes you want to be the best version of yourself.

     But when the cancer of cheating (subtle or blatant) enters a relationship, it breeds distrust. And without trust in a relationship...well...Love is no longer at the forefront...instead, it's ugly adversary, Fear begins to take over.

     And for us as women, often being the nurturers of a relationship, we thrive off of connection. But when a man severs that connection, a part of our heart...the one we showed and gave to you, doesn't quite know how to function. And we die a little bit inside. Irrational actions soon occur on our part, but that's mostly our pain and our hurt talking.

     Until the real healing begins... and "I'm sorry's" are not just scripted dialogue, but truly heartfelt. Seeing that both words and actions line up, making way for forgiveness to be shared lavishly.  Having vision again, and knowing that we both are wanting to head in the same direction. Then and only then can the digging begin, a rediscovery of sorts, a newfound love, a love that is just as authentic if not more than it was in the beginning, because this love has now been tried through the fire, like gold, a love blazing more intensely than ever before.

     But "Was that all?" Was my ex's cheating the only reason why that old relationship ended. Probably not. We weren't madly in love, more like madly in like. Among many other things, we didn't share the same vision for our future, and that just wasn't enough to sustain either of us in the end.

     However, in that moment, I wanted to express to my male counterpart, that receiving a woman's heart is an absolute gift...a woman doesn't just give her true heart to just anyone. There are mysteries in a woman's heart that only a handful of people on the entire planet will ever get to see. And if you are blessed to be one of 6 billion people to be given the gift of her heart, just know that it is worth far more than rubies and diamonds.

     And anything done to crush that woman's heart, is no light matter...it's like crushing the heart of some one's daughter. Because she is some one's daughter. She holds the hopes and dreams of her family's legacy. And all of that mystery and beauty of who she is...amidst the 6 billion people on the planet, by the hand of God, somehow made it to you....and was entrusted to you and you alone.

     But my guy friend had no grid or understanding of this yet. Perhaps, because he too, was reeling from his own pain, being hurt by a woman in his past relationship, and could not yet see or understand that his true love story was still waiting for him, just on the other side of his own healing.

     And yes, I'm very aware that men love deeply as well. And when men are hurt and heartbroken in relationships, it is just as devastating to them as well, even if they don't fully express the pain. Their irrational actions may result in quick and repeated rebounds and anything else that would fill the time, in order for them not to face themselves and the healing that needs to occur.

----

     We've all been taught to suppress our emotions, and to become more like a "man" in a man's world. Buck up and just move forward. But there's something to be said for releasing and expressing emotion amidst the journey--allowing yourself time to grieve, to heal, and then of course--to expect again.

----

     I wasn't looking for Lust when I met you, I was craving Love. I didn't want to just give you my body, I wanted to freely give you my heart.

     I could have easily slept with many, to ease the pain of not having a body pressed against mine. Of not being held. But I would have been giving a piece of my heart away--I'd be giving my peace away as well. I'm not meant for a "Hit-it-and-quit-it" lifestyle. Sometimes I wish I were... But I'm just not that girl.

---

     But you, my Field of Dreams, never gave me pause. I never had to wonder if it was really me that you wanted. You let me unfold my life into your arms. Your strong arms. Your tender arms. And I want to start a family with you. I want our kids to have our love and your eyes.

     I adore you above all.

     And I will never expect perfection from you. Jesus is all the perfection I'll ever need in this life.

     Your presence is a reminder of the good gifts that God so freely gives.


     I'm the girl that loves deeply. My scars and my vulnerability exposed for you to see. I'll cry at sappy commercials, act aggressive and push you away when I just want you to hold me,  and I'll laugh at the most inappropriate times.

---

     And you are my redemption story.

     I waited and believed for you, even when I lost hope. I waited for you amidst the mockery of my own thoughts, my peers, and my circumstances. But I somehow knew this day would come.

     Our choices matter. And I've chosen you, even before I met you, I chose you.

     And when I don't feel like loving you, I'm going to choose to love you more, to love you well. Because you are the man that I have chosen to love. The man that I have chosen to give my true heart to, wholly and completely.

     My delight will be in seeing you smile and in doing my best to love you well.

   

Happy Wedding Day.

Love,
Patrice

Wisdom's Knocking:

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." 

-Proverbs 13:12

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We've All Been There...

Photo Credit: Victoria Clemmons


"All In My Head" 

 [Verse 1]

I see you with her and it crushes me inside 

Guess I should stop thinking about you all the time 

Maybe this is what I needed maybe this is a sign 

Maybe I've been blind to reality baby tell me 

 [Chorus] 

Every little glance my way 

Every time you wanted to hang 

You seemed so interested 

Could you tell me was it real or was it all in my head 

Was it real or was it all in my head 

 [Verse 2] 

She's so pretty you two look so great 

Time for me to move on now it was probably just a silly crush anyway 

But I just cant help but think that we, we could've had something 

Have I really been blind to reality baby tell me 

 [Chorus] 

Every little glance my way 

Every time you wanted to hang 

You seemed so interested 

Could you tell me was it real or was it all in my head 

Was it real or was it all in my head 

 [Bridge] 

Was it real or was it fake? 

Was it all a mistake? 

Boy, I just gotta know was it all in my head, all in my head? 

Did you ever feel the same? 

Was my mind just playing games? 

Boy, I just gotta know was it all in my head, all in my head? 

 [Chorus] 

Every little glance my way 

Every time you wanted to hang 

You seemed so interested 

Could you tell me was it real or was it all in my head in my head 

Was it real or was it all in my head

----

Tori Kelly- All In My Head by ohsopauleneee

Tori Kelly- All In My Head

So, the conclusion that I'm coming to...is that it was all in my head regarding my summer dream guy. It's a shame. I created a fabulous love story in my head. Ha. But I trust that God has a better one in store. Now I'll go and remind myself of the basics... that when a guy likes you, he lets you know. Patrice advice circa 2011. Check it: Click Link.

Wisdom's Knocking:

With God, you have the ability to be braver than you feel.

Cry to Me

Photo Credit: Cassandra Basnett - (Taken in Kenya) 

Visit her site: www.pursuingnormal.com to see her story...

      Full disclosure:

      I cried in my mother's arms last night for about an hour as she prayed over me.

     It was a long time coming. And if you've been following my blog over the past 3 or so months, you probably saw this coming as well.

     Waiting is hard. Surrender is hard.

     Granted, the Sunday before last, I did pray for the thing that no person in their right mind is suppose to pray for. I prayed for more Patience.

     And then things went from bad to worse.

     So as I'm in the Valley of Worse, I simply share my heart and hope to encourage my heart and maybe yours as well.

     God is a "Promise Keeper". This blog post is simply to remind myself of how hard it got before the promise was fulfilled. So if anyone in the years to come looks at my life and thinks that I have it so good and so easy, I want them to be fully aware that it didn't come for free. It cost me something. It cost me a lot of tears. A lot of time. A lot patience. A lot of "What the--??"

     I have this quote by Louise Hay at the end of my email signature: "Somewhere someone is looking for exactly what you have to offer."

     When I first saw that quote, for some reason, I only put it within the context of job hunting...Lame. Today, I realize that quote is meant to be true for all areas of our lives.

     You are wanted. I am wanted. That's profound. Let that truth really hit your heart and your mind.

     When you think your unlovable or unwanted. The truth is, you're not. You are wanted. And "somewhere someone is looking for exactly what you have to offer."

     Oh to love and to want and to be loved and wanted in return. Yes. Pretty much bliss. And that's what we've all been signed up for.

     Believe me, I know at times it seems like walking on the straight and narrow path doesn't pay off. Like you're being mocked all the way down. And you look to your left and right, and folks that are acting crazy and ignorant seem to be living it up.

     But don't worry. Your time is coming. The present suffering doesn't compare to the glory ahead.

     You will make it. And I will make it.  Just don't quit. This may be the hardest and most confusing it's ever been. But God is still God. He is still good. And His memory is better than ours. He knows what is and will ever be. And He is a Promise Keeper.

Wisdom's Knocking:

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.' - Jeremiah 29:11

Go, Ricki!

I've been keeping it pretty heavy lately, pouring my heart out to you this past week. But my own melodrama is getting a bit exhausting. Even for me.

I thought I'd reiterate some news you've probably heard already.

Just when I felt that I was missing 1995 in a big way, here she comes.

"Rick-eee! Rick-eee! Rick-eee!"

I don't know if taping the show in Culver City, Cali, will give the show its same gritty live vibe that New York City did, but perhaps our dear Ricki is taking us on a new road, a new direction.

It's funny to me that there is a new generation of young folks that...

#1: Have no idea who Ricki Lake is. And her show's television run from 1993-2004.

And #2: Have never seen "The Princess Bride."

But I digress.




So yes. "The Ricki Lake Show" is back this Fall. And somehow I feel like I'm young all over again. Like a re-do button has been pushed.

And I get to start something over.

Oh, how grateful I am for new beginnings.

Wisdom's Knocking:

God's mercies are new every morning.

My Head Hurts

Photo Credit: Hannah Anderson

From crying.

See, this is the thing.

Surrender doesn't just happen. Poof. And then you're done. Too legit 2 quit. Hey, hey.

No. Surrender presses and squeezes every last bit of control out of your being.

This too shall pass.

But until then, I practice a fresh surrender each new day. Each new moment.

Underneath it all--the antics, the dramatics, the impatience, I'm anticipating. I'm anticipating something good.

Labor pains are no joke---So I've heard.

And now, it's time to give birth.

Wisdom's Knocking:

"Never give up on a dream because of the time it will take to accomplish it. The time will pass anyway." -Earl Nightingale

My Friend

Photo Credit: Hannah Anderson

     My friend, Kevin Tarbill, writes this insane little blog about "Putting Feet to Faith". And can I just tell you, it's been rocking my face off for the past couple of months!

     I'm no dummy. I signed up for his new blog posts to automatically get sent to my email address.

     And it's like Kevin is "reading my mail" or in other words, peering into my soul and writing about the very issues that I'm facing in my life right now.

     We'll talk more about Kevin later, how we met, and how you definitely, definitely want him on your team in case of a zombie break out.

     But I just couldn't keep his blog buttery goodness to myself.

     I felt as though some of you may glean some wisdom, peace, and insight by taking a stroll over to his blog.

     And it doesn't matter if you feel like a spiritual heavy weight or you're simply searching. I guarantee you'll find the beginning nuggets of what you need and have been looking for.

     I know. That's a weighty claim. But I dare you to test this claim.

     Today, Kevin blogged about, "Just Believe".

    And of course it was fitting for me for a variety of reasons.

     Yes, recently I've encountered some unfortunate hiccups, I've made some unfortunate mistakes, but today I'm back on the saddle. I'm coming back to my "Field of Dreams".

     The impossible and fantastical are very much possible. And miraculously within reach.

Wisdom's Knocking:

"It always seems impossible until it's done." -Nelson Mandela

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