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Aloha

   

     A beginning and an ending.

     Just finished watching the movie, "Aloha" and it's put me in a perfect mood.

     Aloha. This idea of a hello greeting and a goodbye greeting...feels so vivid to me in this particular space and time.

     It's true. One must be willing to let go of the old to truly embrace something new. But often these changes in seasons intersect, or rather overlap in certain ways.

     And I, doing my best to rest and pay attention, feel like I'm on the tail end of one of the hardest emotional seasons I've had in a long while.

     A sense of heart pain, hopelessness, sickness, and unrest.

     But something's ending. 

     And something is beginning.

     Aloha.

     A few nights ago, Mr. "Full Attention" and I crossed paths once again.

     And my heart was soft and tender.

     To me, in my current state of affairs, it's absolutely amazing--to have an engaged and tender heart, in lieu of the previous circumstance that was an offense to my heart.

     Sometimes you just want to understand what is going on inside the head and heart of a person. And perhaps see yourself through their eyes.

     I wonder how he sees me? Or if he just looks through me, or is turned off by me?

     But that night reset something in my heart.

     It wasn't about him and me.

     Or me and anyone else for that matter.

     It was about what God was speaking to my heart.

     And I listened.

     I was challenged with the subject of Forgiveness.

     I hadn't realized how I was staying stuck in some sort of emotional heart trauma because I let bitterness stay and live in my heart. It felt good to have a target for my anger. For what has felt like a decade of injustice in the area of my personal romance and love.

     He was no saint, but he definitely got caught in my own personal crossfire.

     But now, it was time for me to Forgive.

     Aloha.

     As it's been said before, forgiveness is truly about setting your own heart free as well as releasing someone from a prison of your own making, that they are rarely cognizant of.

     It's not so much about excusing the wrong, but actually admitting it--and choosing the higher way of love for your own heart's sake.

     It truly is amazing how our hearts and minds can get stuck, once we enter into the cycle of bitterness and unforgiveness.

     Yet in order for life and love to truly thrive, Forgiveness is a non-negotiable.

     And oh the healing that it brings.

     So that night, I was challenged and invited into Forgiveness.

     And I said yes.

     This past season, I've dealt with random health scares, facing a strange man almost breaking into my house, a fender bender with a semi-truck, sleepless nights, nights full of tears, and a wrestling with my own personal destiny in God and a despondency regarding my own romance journey.

     Yet something is ending.

     And something new is beginning.

     I want to feel the embrace and breath of destiny surrounding me. I want to be held in those moments in all my vulnerability. I want his comforting hand to gently stroke my back, as he looks into my eyes, as if to search for a constellation--reading the stories which are held there. 

     It's not all said and done for you and I just yet.

     The air is still thick with Promise, although Trauma from this past season would try to step up on some two-bit soapbox and dictate its demands.

     But no.

     Something is ending. And something is beginning.

     Hello.

     Goodbye.

     Aloha.

Wisdom's Knocking:

“But for them it was only the beginning of the real story. All their life in this world and all their adventures in Narnia had only been the cover and the title page: now at last they were beginning Chapter One of the Great Story which no one on earth has read: which goes on forever: in which every chapter is better than the one before.”

― C.S. Lewis, The Last Battle

Full Attention

When we first met, it was kind of awful.

It was awkward and ill-timed. Perhaps too soon.

The anticipation of meeting you almost overtook me.

And then your attention and affections were elsewhere. Eyes jetting to and fro, but never truly on mine.

And I was present, but you were somewhere else.

I expected so much more, and that may have been the problem.

But first impressions are quite something.

Wisdom's Knocking: 

"Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity."

- Simon Weil

Together & Tender

     

     
     It's been one of those tender seasons for me.

     But now, I feel like I can write about it.

     I tried writing this piece several times before, earlier this week, but it the timing wasn't quite right. There was a missing component.

     But yesterday, the missing component showed up.

     And here I am.

     Writing.

     My mom, who works at a high school (and was just rewarded Employee of the Year, by the way....#prouddaughter) and I have frequently talked about how prevalent anxiety and depression is in this generation. Especially among young adults and teenagers.

     And yet this is the privileged generation, are we not?

     We are reaping the bounty that came forth by way of the blood, sweat, and tears of our grandparents and great-grandparents. And yet, we have gotten ourselves in new cages, new prisons, with different battles to face and conquer. Our new and dangerous frontier of sorts--which has become the war in our minds.

     I think one of the most crippling components of anxiety is a sense of hopelessness.

     Because everything just starts unraveling so fast, that you almost don't have time to catch your breath.

     And that's how I felt this past week.

     It's like, in a moment, all that you think you know about God just vanishes, and you try to rationalize every single thing.  Which leaves you even more hopeless, when trying to see these things without God. Because the Tree of the knowledge of good and evil can never give you lasting fruit or peace--just information...

     But only the One who is the true Tree of Life can give peace and real tangible hope.

     I feel like I relearn this afresh every few months or so.

     It was clear this week, I not only wanted but needed to experience the closeness of God--the One who is nearer to us than a mother or a brother.

     So in the midst of my mind swirling, I became desperate. I needed faces of love and comfort around me and not necessarily Netflix.

     And so I drove yesterday. I drove out to see my friend and her family.

     And I was still anxious and still uneasy, but being around them made it better.

     And then they prayed for me.

     And my tears, started streaming down my face like tiny hot rivers.

     And the prayers continued.

     And then I was hugged. And held. Like a child again.

     And an avalanche of all the pain I had bottled up these past few weeks, fell to the floor.

     Disappointment. Fear of death. Fear of my loved ones dying. Fear of being abandoned in life...because I couldn't see or hear or feel the tangible hope of God in my pain...until right then.

      And God came through their hands and hugs and gave me comfort and hope and peace.

      I felt and knew that I wasn't alone.

      And that in all of this, I truly was with someone--together.

      Being a single grown woman at times is rough.

      But it truly is God who places us in families. No matter what are status is in life. The invitation is always extended.

     Because I know now more than ever, that we are not meant to do the work alone, not now, and not ever.

      We need family. Even if our current mothers and fathers are still alive, and especially if they are not. Just know, that it's a promise from God that He will place you in and give you a family (Psalm 68:5-6)

     It's sometimes hard to fully comprehend that as Believers we will never be separated from the Love of God. Especially in times of pain. But the promise still stands. And oh my goodness, what an incredible promise it is.

     With that said, I hope to spend my entire lifetime gazing at, knowing, and experiencing this Love.

     It took me a moment to fall asleep last night. But I did.

     And I felt peace. The peace that I had been missing and been without for the last couple of weeks.

     It often pays off to be tender.

     But even more so...together.

Wisdom's Knocking:

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace
as you trust in him, so that you may overflow
with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

- Romans 15:13

Seeing Ourselves Through the Eyes of Love

This blog piece is dedicated to the stunningly beautiful and talented

Lauren Evans who invited me to share my heart on this topic:

     God knows how to always find us.

     He knows how to find you.

     Often though, we don't want to be found. Not truly.

     Because being found, means being seen.

     And being seen, means being vulnerable.

     And being vulnerable means the pain and the joy, the cracks and the deep crevices of our lives are on display.

     And we've worked so hard to hide them.

     To even hide them from ourselves.

     But He sees us.

     Completely. And Wholly. And without fear of us and all our entanglements.

     And today I was seen.

     It's roughly 3PM and I'm still in bed in my pajamas.

     Let's back track a little.

     My heart has been feeling that something huge-- something big is about to be on the horizon for me very soon. Like my life, in the best possible way is about to be enriched and amended.

     You and I are sensitive to life like that sometimes. Often we just know, when something is about to change before it does.

     Now rarely does the change come as we often perceive or expect, but it's change nevertheless.

     With world events as bleak and strange as they have been these last few weeks, it seems as though my city is in heartache and pain, and somehow bracing for some sort of (other) big impact.

     This plays itself out in short tempers, lots of car honking (beyond the normal), and a general sense of unease and/or paranoia throughout.

     A general lack of love is subsequently trying to pervade.

     But He sees us.

     Last week I battled through 2 back-to-back bouts of food poisoning. #ofcourse

     Immediately, I felt like a boxer in the ring, getting my head, gut and heart pounded on. I was a true staggering mess. When your health is awry, your mind feels assaulted and you just feel like throwing in the towel on so many different levels of life. My heart goes out to those who are battling health issues in this season of life. You feel uncontrollably vulnerable, and often hopeless. But know that you are not fully defeated. And even in such a fight, God's presence is most definitely there. Because it's been written and lived out, that "in our weakness, God's strength is made perfect..."

     He sees us.

     Once the food poisoning episode concluded, a resolve rose in me.

     Last month, I hit a semi-truck and then soon after came these weird bouts of food poisoning.

     Conclusion: Naturally, something great is on the horizon for me.

     How could I say something like that?

     Because of my track record.

     Anytime, I've experienced a beautiful breakthrough of sorts, drama has always preceded it.

     It's as if demonic forces are scared to death of the next level of blessing I'm about to enter into, and try as they must, they attempt to veer me off course with fear and intimidation.

     But I'm not going out like that.

     You're not going out like that.

     God sees us.

     So this morning, I just spent some time talking to God--Thanking Him for the little things, the big things, the sometimes overlooked things (roof over our heads, a toilet that flushes, a bed, etc....)

     But I could sense there was a tender part of my heart I was hoping we wouldn't need to talk about in great detail.

     Romance.....

     You see, seeing myself with the eyes of love, begins with me posturing myself to hear--to pay attention---but first to the eternal Lover of my soul.

     There's a passage in the Bible that says "God has set eternity in the human heart". Ahhhh. I just love that. There's something beyond time as we know it currently now on earth. In fact we can sense it. And the only thing that can satisfy an eternal longing already in our hearts (beyond the earthly love we experience) is the love of an eternal God.

     A key to seeing ourselves through the eyes of love, is to pay attention...

     How else does one learn anything? How does one learn to love? There's always trial and error (and/or regret, I suppose), which is often the long road to being made forced to pay attention. But instead of taking such a road, I simply choose to pay attention, in the now.

     Let me finish that previous key. It's not just in the paying attention, but in paying attention to the way of love unfolding around us.

     Easiest way to find out how love is trying to get our attention. List 10 things that you are thankful for in your life (Go ahead, just think of 10 things mentally--take a minute....I'll be here...).









     Voilà!  You've just paid attention to the Love of God being poured out in your life in specific ways.

     He sees us.

     So He brought up Romance to me.

     And I fidgeted about for about 30 minutes, got online, and tried to avoid the nagging questions...

     "Do you believe, I can....? And do you believe I want to? And do you believe I want this for you?"

     "Sure. Sure I do." I reply to the still small voice. Neither of us being convinced.

     I continue surfing the web.

     You know how one thing leads you to another thing on the internet? It's like going into Target. You start with good intentions.....and then it all goes to crap.....Like when you only plan on checking your email for 10 minutes, but now an hour later,  you've found yourself buying Avenger Christmas stockings on Amazon...How did we arrive here?

     And so it goes.

     I found myself listening to a podcast, which then made me research the people on the podcast, which then led me to a video of one of the people sharing a testimony of how unexpected their miraculous breakthrough came--of how they had to bring before God in prayer, their discouragement and disappoint because the breakthrough didn't come when expected nor did it look like they planned for it to look at first. But yet, they trusted and believed in God's goodness still.

     And true to His word, their breakthrough did come, on God's terms--in the grand scheme of his beautiful story, not simply by means of the limited perspective of man.

     So, I'm hearing this.

     Then all of a sudden the person speaking shifted in their purpose and began to pray for those that are single and feel called to marriage, yet have grown weary in the waiting, and in the timing of things.

     And then this person began to pray an array of restoring and healing words over every listener......

     I cried.

     He found me.

     And He saw me.

     We are always worth being found, beloved. Always worth it to Him.

     Never forget that.

     Remind yourself of that everyday. Even--especially in the midst of heartache and pain. Confess the truth to your heart. And do not fall for a lie.

     The eyes of Love see us first, often before we even see ourselves, or know the true need that we are in.

     God does not just "have" love to give, He IS Love. And He is an endless and eternal supply of such love.

     I'm able to see myself as lovely, because "He first loved us"...

     We were, and are worth being loved in His eyes.

      You are truly Beloved.

     So when I look at my reflection in the mirrors in my car, the store, my house, a person's eyes, I try and let that translate fully to my mind and to my body. That God sees me always and that I am loved.

     I want to pay attention. I want to remind myself that I was made for love, and that I am lovable where ever I happen to place my feet on this earth. Not simply loved and seen through the eyes of love, on my own accord, but rather I am loved with a fiery, passionate eternal Love that can never be quenched and is beyond myself.

     And it is this Love that sees me.

     It is this Love that guides me.

     And that Love looks like something in my life. And I get the honor and privilege of responding to love if I so choose.  To received from it, to drink from it. To allow my actions to be flavored by it.

     And this is the Love that beckons me to take in the kindness of God.

     God is the Kindest One I know.

     And I only become more kind, by being around Him--acknowledging Him, and paying attention to his Kindness. Because He's present. Always.

     With that said, key #2, in seeing yourself through the eyes of love, is being KIND to yourself. To your mind, to your body. Give yourself grace, God already has.

     You'll also find, the more kind you are to yourself, the easier it becomes to be kind and gracious to others. You'll realize more and more, that you and I are not the only ones walking out a treacherous and glorious story...

     He sees us.

     How refreshing to know, that we can always be found.

     Because Love never gives up on us, and never stops looking for us...

Wisdom's Knocking:

“What do you think? If a man has a hundred sheep, and one of them goes astray, does he not leave the ninety-nine and go to the mountains to seek the one that is straying? 

And if he should find it, assuredly, I say to you, 

he rejoices more over that sheep than over the ninety-nine that did not go astray. 

Even so it is not the will of your Father who is in heaven that one of these little ones should perish."

- Matthew 18:12-14

Dysfunctional

     Everyone always seems so dashingly normal.

     All of you.

     I walk past you in the street.

     I drive past you on the road.

     I order my tea from you in a semi-posh sounding cafe.

     I sit next to you at church.

     And you, yes, even you seem normal.

     And then, we become friends.

     We talk after a lunch, or before a lunch.

     And some of your crazy starts to seep out.

     But I just laugh. To make us both feel comfortable.

     But deep down you know we are both thinking. What the hell is happening?

     I pray for grace. Grace to not stare at you like a homeless person wanting answers. Like, "Where's my money? And my life? And how did we get here?"

     Were we ever really normal??

     Now is probably not a good time to remind you that I've been a youth pastor for a little over 7 years. Especially since this post is more PG-13 than most of my other writings. But nevertheless, I wanted to be real and frank with you.

     I've had to wrestle with the hard truth, that often, I would become just a blip of a memory in the lives of the kids that I mentored, prayed for, cried over, and watched grow into young adults these past 7 years.

     Grappling with the fact that I might not see any real change and growth in an immediate time span, but rather, I might have to wait years and years to see the seeds of what I planted grow in these young hearts. Or the stark possibility that they may never grow and reach their true potential ever. This possible reality being the most Heartbreaking.

     I knew all of this was on the table 7 years ago. But when we do things out of love, logic doesn't always figure in properly. And I didn't step into my role as a youth pastor from a logical standpoint, but rather out of an opportunity to love--the agape way--the sacrificial way. A way in which getting something back of equal value in the relationship, was never going to be a guarantee.

     Because you see, spending time with me for a little over an hour on a Sunday, wasn't going to be enough to counter the dysfunction that was going on in their respective homes.

     And let's just call a spade a spade here.

     These kids were dealing with some real-deal-Holyfield dysfunction.

     Suicidal parents, life-threatening illnesses, death of parents, sibling abuse,  emotional abuse, sexual abuse, drug addiction, sex addiction, crippling obesity, paralyzing depression, devastating fear...

     And add on top of all that: PUBERTY.

     For these teens, Sunday morning was simply respite.

     Enough for someone to catch their breath.

     But not to necessarily change.

     Not just yet.

     And as we wrestled their demons together, I wondered how my efforts fared against the storm raging in their personal homes. The places where they sleep, drink, and eat. Where life is really being lived.

     And the verdict is now out.

     The places we call home truly do shape us the most--even if we are trying to run away from a negative stigma of home.

     Our beginnings in this life do set a course of sorts....what we love, what we hate, what we cling to...


     I have seen God do the miraculous. Really, I have.

     Some crazy sci-fi miraculous. Blind eyes that begin to see. Cancer disappearing. This has become my normal.

     But the miracle that truly floors me every time is that of a CHANGED life.

     A life that is so incredibly impacted and beautifully wrecked by love, that all hindrances of the past are but ashes.

     Old friends barely recognize you, because that's the kind of change that's happened in your life, your heart, and your internal and external world.

     But some people are just not tired enough of their dysfunction.

     Those that I thought had learned their lessons, and have chosen to grow and change out of a toxic lifestyle, are now showing their true struggle in this hour. Their dysfunction is now pushing through the poorly built facade they created. The facade that was much like a straw roof on a brick house. All in an attempt for them to not have to "do the work" -- to face their truth, their current ordeal and mindset and furthermore, make new and better choices...over the playing field of time.

     But these things require work.

And not everyone is up for the tedious discipline that change demands of us.

     So here's the thing.

     If you are choosing to lie (whether out of pride, fear laziness, or arrogance) and/or to remain dysfunctional. I give you that space, wholeheartedly to make that choice. Yes. That is a choice.

     But here's the thing, I just can't carry you with me up the mountain.

     The intimate reserves of my life, dreams, and time will now get shifted towards those folks also pursuing health and breaking the patterns of dysfunction in their own lives.

     Because guess what?

     I'm somewhat dysfunctional, too.

     And I know that misery loves company, and the temptation to stay dysfunctional is all too great, even for me.

     So how does one break out of dysfunction?

     Pursue and stay in emotional health for yourself first.

     Make that a priority.

     And no, that is not selfish.

     It's like what they tell you on airplanes...put the mask on yourself first, before assisting someone else--even a small child...

     Can I tell you a secret?

     The big draw for me becoming a youth pastor, is because God baited me with the promise of healing my own heart through loving these wild, broken, tender, and adventurous teenagers.

     It all came with doing the work on the ground level, but in the context of a youth group. From the non-glamorous and often non-romantic aspects of sitting in meetings, planning, coordinating, and attending small teen prayer and worship nights, youth retreats, service projects, and driving teenagers all over southern California for the last 7 years, while working full time in TV production.

     It was my road out of my own deep dysfunction and pain.

     But what's your road?

     In my constant pursuit to know God more, to love people wholeheartedly and well, it has become imperative that my core group of friends be in a place of health.

     Now I didn't say perfect.

     And we are all free to wallow every now and again.

     But that's not what I'm talking about.

     I'm talking about folks that get you, and that you get as well.

     People that you are choosing of whom are choosing you right back. Iron sharpening iron. Those bringing out the best in you, and you bringing out the best in them.

     As you continue to pursue health, in all its forms in your life (spiritually, emotionally, physically), you'll need to get around and glean from other spiritually, emotionally, and physically healthy people.

     (Which, by the way, may not be in your current friend group....)

      But be warned, you'll be challenged to grow and to change.

     And if you're not really ready to change, conflict will arise--mostly within your own life.

     So do yourself the honor of not lying to yourself.

     If you need help, admit it.

     If you're not really ready to change. Admit it. And explore the reasons why...

     And if you're scared to change. Admit it. And confide in someone who will breathe life into your dreams and kill your doubts.

     Two people that have had a far-reaching influence in my emotional health are Bruce and Jean Hammond.

     They are hands down one of my favorite married couples of all time. And simply two of my favorite people on the planet.

     I met them years ago, when I had my first intense counseling session with them.

     4 hours later, they had discovered and exposed a deep-seated area of dysfunction in my own heart, and in that session, they became God's vessels of profound healing.

     I've never had an experience quite like that ever or since.

     Their ministry is quite unique.

     Here's a description of what they do, taken from their website, "Destiny Manifest":

Destiny Manifest is the ministry of Bruce and Jean Hammond who are servants of Jesus Christ with a unique ability to bring understanding, clarity, and insight. 

Through a combination of practical knowledge and the leading of the Holy Spirit (Romans 12:6 and 1 Corinthians 12:8) we bring freedom to people who often have felt like there is nowhere else to turn for answers. As a believer in Christ, everyone should experience the joy of knowing truth in the innermost being (Psalm 51:6). The inner life often takes a back seat as people struggle to make their way through life and in effect ignore the deep places of hurt or lack of emotional foundation in their souls. These hurts, or areas of lack, eventually end up affecting their relationships, work life, and destiny.

Jesus said He came to “heal the broken hearted” (Luke 4:18-NASB). The apostle John takes it a step further: “Beloved, I pray that in all respects you may prosper and be in good health, just as your soul prospers” (3 John 1:2 -NASB).

We believe that as a person comes to prosper in their soul and understands truth in their innermost being, they will not only enjoy a healthy emotional life, but their relationships, work life, and fulfillment will be greatly enhanced. Destiny will manifest.

For further information or to schedule appointment, Please Click Here to Email Destiny Manifest or call 615-217-1763

     Although Bruce and Jean are based in Tennessee, they travel quite frequently all over, and also do Skype sessions.

     So if you're resolute or tired of your current lifestyle of dysfunction, or you've just been feeling stagnant in ways that you just can't put your finger on---maybe it's time to do something crazy and intentional. Something as crazy as calling them or emailing them....

     Tell them I sent you. xo

     They won't think you're crazy. I promise.

     In fact, they'll simply think you're lovable and brave.

     Our dysfunctional journeys don't have to be solo. Thank God we don't have to be alone in all of this--left to our own devices.

     Thank goodness, a road has been walked out before us.

     A road marked with tears and blood, but also with victory and love.

     A road beckoning us beyond our dysfunction and the mistreatment done to us through our past.

     The road ahead is going somewhere--somewhere we've always, sincerely longed to go...

Wisdom's Knocking:

“Beloved, I pray that in all respects you may prosper 

and be in good health, just as your soul prospers.” 

-- 3 John 1:2 (NASB)

Master Manipulator

     

     The things we do to be seen. My Lord.

     And I'm often aware that us girls can be master manipulators.

     So my prayer constantly is: "Lord, help me get out of my own way..."

     Not too long ago, I orchestrated something, in the hopes that when the picture of the event went live online, a particular person--No, A particular man would see it, then comment on it. And would then see me in a different light.

     And then...he would be so enamored by my sense of adventure, my ability to have such rich friendships, and such an exciting and enticing life...

     He'd then be curious about me and would feel compelled to get to know me and date me.

     And then love me.

     And then marry me.  Naturally.

     How could he not?

     End of story.

     I know, I know.

     It's embarrassing to share.

     So all parties involved in today's "adventure" were for the most part used by me, to facilitate this grand scheme of sorts.

     Lame.  Believe me, I'm aware.

     And my apologies to all parties involved. Although, they probably don't know who they are...because I'm often that good. Ugh. I know. Horrible.

     The overall point being.....anything that I try to produce out of my own manipulative striving and selfish gain ends up being wack-tastic. A fleeting and cheap regifting and regurgitation of the real thing.

     But anything I let God do and begin to orchestrate through a sense of trust and rest ends up becoming a gift of eternal weight, and a blessing beyond what I could have ever imagined--and not just for myself, but for all parties involved.

      And that's what I want---truly.

     The lasting gift-- not the temporary half-baked gift...on loan.

     So my prayer again tonight is: "Lord, help me get out of my own way..."

     And not be such a dang clever master manipulator.

     And to have patience for the real thing...

     The end.

Wisdom's Knocking:

"The chief means of resisting manipulation is humility – knowing who we really are and facing it. 

You can only serve by love. You can only love by choice. 

True love cannot be the result of decree, force or manipulation."

- Gayle D. Erwin

I Don't Want a Man

    

      I know. These posts keeping getting more and more bleak, especially for a "relationship" blog of sorts.

     But as I sit in my parent's rec room, and let the noise of some non-watched television show play in the background, I'm assessing once again.

     My dad is a kind genius of sorts.

     Did I tell you that I hit a semi-truck a couple of weeks ago?

     Well I did.

     I'm okay.

     Really.

     But now, my vehicle once again is in the hospital.

     I get it. These things happen. It's life.

     One day your doing fine. And then you're not.

     Bummer.

     But I called my dad right after the semi-truck and my vehicle had a rendezvous on an LA freeway.

     And I thought to myself, "How amazing is it that I actually have a dad to call right now, who can walk me through this whole mess and also understand all the technical aspects regarding the ways in which to fix my vehicle."

     My dad, he's just good at stuff.

     And I know this might sound morbid, but I'm constantly thinking, what will I do when my dad is gone?? Who will be the man in my life that I can call at any time of the day or night? Who will be the one that can always fix my car? The one that is willing to come rescue me as I'm stranded in God knows what city and won't leave my side until I ask him to?

     For those that don't know, my dad--or rather technically, my step dad, has raised me alongside my mom since I was about 3 years old. So yes, he's my dad. I can't remember a time that I ever referred to him as my step dad. That title never fit him.

     I understand sacrificial love because of him and how he's laid down his life for my mom and me.

     On certain occasions, I find myself thinking about those of us who had extraordinary fathers, it's sort of a crushing blow.

     Because many in this world did not have extraordinary fathers. And their actions reflect a sort of pain and anger. And I find myself in contention or at odds, or on a different playing field altogether when it comes to my faulty communication methods. Like, "But why are you so worried? It's gonna work out. It always does." Cue, the angry stares back at me, not understanding why I don't have my underwear in a bunch, why I'm not freaking out in the midst of turmoil and high intensity situations.

     But my words come from a place of feeling stability and safe, secure and cared for. All the things my dad provided for me while I was growing up.

     But then again, those of us with extraordinary fathers, sometimes take the whole experience for granted. And we can easily trip into this sense of entitlement and act as if we've lost all common sense and the world solely revolves around us. As if we are always owed something. But that's another topic all together. You know the topic, the one where you feel as if the world always owes you something, forgetting that the entire world is going through something everyday--Just.Like.You.

     But the nuts and bolts of it is this:

     I don't want a man.

     And I don't expect a man.

     Rather, I sorta kinda need a champion.

     I want a champion.

     One who's not afraid to get his hands dirty. To figure things out with me. To talk to me about random technical things. Because I'm always curious.

     One who's not afraid to be vulnerable with me, who's not afraid to be afraid, who's interested in the solution not just rehashing the problem.

     One who is sensitive to the ways of a woman.

     One who's finished living recklessly. So much so, the rough parts of him have given way to the diamond essence of who he is.

     One who understands legacy.

     Yes, I'm quite keen on this idea of a champion, because I've seen and lived with one once (Thank you, dad). I know they exist.

    My champion is out there. I'm quite sure of it.

    But until then, I'm convinced more than ever I don't want a man...

Wisdom's Knocking: 

"We aim above the mark to hit the mark."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Six Five (6' 5")

     

     So I may never get married.

     And that's okay.

     I'll be okay.

     You'll be okay for me.

     And no, this is not my slick attempt to trick the universe into landing marriage directly in my lap.

     I'm just sayin'. I may never get married. And although I may shed a few more tears, I'll continue to live a life full of joy, of kindness, and believing that miracles of all shapes and sizes still happen.

     I'll be more than just "okay" - I will learn how to thrive.

     I think that's my new favorite word right now: Thrive.

     It just feels good to say.

     Say it with me....THrrrriiiiiiveeeee.

     It's like a long satisfying exhale that just happens to be a word.

     You get used to the rhythm of your life in a certain way and you just assume that's the way it's always going to be.

     But it's not.

     Change is the only constant.

     And now I have to learn to expect good things again.

     It's all apart of thriving, you know.

     I want to maintain my childlike awe and wonder. I never want to become a jaded pessimist. If I get hurt, I want to admit I'm hurt and not hide behind a litany of excuses or statistics of how bad everything must always be and end up.

     I give myself permission to thrive in this season.

     You might want to do the same for yourself.

     And so yesterday, "they" asked me what kind of guys I like.

     And for those that don't know, at this stage of the game, I honestly don't have a "type" other than the "Good" kind.

     Take of that what you will.

     But at the same time, I know EXACTLY what I want. I'm not talking physicality here. I'm talking substance.

     It's so funny how close people can be to you and not really know you at all.

     Thus the question was raised.

     And do you wanna know the first thing that came out of my mouth?

     SIX.    FIVE.

     Oh, really Patrice?

     Not into physicality much are you?

     Hashtag: Fibber

     But granted, 6' 5" is not a hard and fast rule for me by any means. It's just the comfort height I made up in my mind in my late teen years whilst being obsessed with college basketball.

     I'm a girl with curves.

     I love my curves.

     And I want my curves to feel safe in the wrapping of a gentleman who is quite possibly 6' 5".

     But meanwhile, I've had crushes on guys shorter than me, "chubby bunnies" as we would call them, and real life nerd alerts.

     So it honestly depends on what season of life you catch me in.

     But the substance will always far outweigh the exterior.

     Whether in relationships or friendships.

     There's a certain texture of human, male human that is, that I know I will recognize when I see it. It's the fiber I like to call "Home".

     It's that, "I just met you, but I feel like I've known you my whole life" feeling.

     We were strangers, yet somehow not upon our first meeting.

     You and I have both experienced this on different levels in our lives, most noticeably in a select portion of our friendships.

     So I know that the idea of finding a sense of "Home" in a male counterpart is not some fiddle faddle relegated to clever fairytales.

     But yes---easy and hard enough indeed.

      So I may never get married.

      But I will still thriiiiiiiiiive.

      Or, I may very well in fact, get married....to someone who is 6' 5" and you bedda believe I'll be Thriiiiiiiiving.....

Wisdom's Knocking:

"He’s not perfect.
You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect.
But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice,
and if he admits to being human and making mistakes,
hold onto him and give him the most you can.

He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment,
but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break.
Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect for more than he can give.
Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad,
and miss him when he’s not there.

Love hard when there is love to be had.
Because perfect guys don’t exist,
but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you."

 — Bob Marley

Watching Arranged Marriages

"Married at First Sight" 

     The social experiment.

     Have you seen this reality show yet?

     I mean. I thought it was going to be the dumbest thing ever. Another bit of reality tv show foolishness.

     A marathon of the show is currently on.

     And here I am, in tears.

     I don't think I've cried more watching a reality show EVER. I'm serious.

     Here's the premise:

"The cart comes way before the horse in the reality series "Married at First Sight." Based on a hit Danish format, "Married ..." features six people who agree to participate in an extreme experiment: Each covenants legal marriage with a complete stranger. Four specialists -- a sexologist, a spiritualist, a psychologist and a sociologist -- use scientific matchmaking methods to determine each couple, who will not have met or had contact with each other until the wedding day. The series then documents the relationships, including honeymoons and other relatable events of married life. After several weeks, each couple must decide whether to remain together or go their individual ways."

     It's been so fascinating to see the different "experts" match these folks together. It's quite a detailed and somewhat scientific method. Plus, the journey for these individuals stepping out to marry a stranger, appears to be more heartfelt than I've seen on a variety a dating/"The Bachelor"type shows. 

(And of course, me being a reality dating show expert (HA), since being on one myself.... and working professionally in LaLaLand- I feel as though I can tell when something feels genuine versus not.)

     So with that said, I'm fascinated with the themes of this show and especially its weighty position it holds regarding marriage. Marriage is not seen as something flippant on the show, not for the strangers nor the experts, which is incredibly refreshing.

    So yeah, arranged marriages....all I can say is....my wheels are turning...My. Wheels. Are turning..................................................

Wisdom's Knocking:

“It's never the differences between people that surprise us.
It's the things that, against all odds, we have in common.”

 ― Jodi Picoult, House Rules

The Persona. The Person.

     

     "Or you can take this one..." he gently said.

     "No. That's okay. How about this smaller neon orange one. I always love being an odd ball and making a statement." I say with a cheeky smile.

     He looks a little befuddled.

     "Okay. Whatever you want. It's no problem. Whatever you want. But this one is brand new."

     I look at him suspiciously.

     I walk around the lot for a bit.

     Decisions, decisions, decisions.

     And here I was, I didn't even recognize he was trying to give me an upgrade.

     And there you have it. This is how the pieces have felt like in this season. Not being able to outrightly recognize most of the good and the just things happening around me.

     Circumstances have been weird.

     I met someone.


     Okay. I didn't "meet" someone.

     But my friend did. I just happened to be there for the important part.

     They briefly knew of each other, connected online and decided to finally make a date of it.

     But let's talk about the space between the persona and the person.

     We're all guilty of it.

     In fact, I'm in love with someone's online persona as we speak.

     But I'm more aware now then ever, that a persona is not a person.

     The way in which we fill in the blanks about a human being are quite fascinating. Especially in this day and age of social media.

     We present our best selves.

     Those moments in which we feel exhilarated, loved, or passionate are then displayed on our numerous pages, news feeds, and profiles, leaving the poor reader to naturally piece together a beautiful symphony of sorts, when in fact our true lives sound more like Morse code. A different melody altogether.

     I'm also convinced more than ever, that face to face human contact and connection can never be replaced or substituted by our profiles, texts, emails, virtual chats, and other technological advances (ironically) meant to connect us and to provide a way of "knowing".

     These tools have now become swords of sorts and seem to inhibit the very thing they were meant to foster.

     So my friend adored and celebrated his persona.

     But the person she met left no space for such a persona. He in fact was lovely. But just not "that kind of lovely"--you know, not "persona lovely."

     And as such, a conflict then played out.

     What you think you're getting. You're not.

     The outer didn't match the inner.

+++

     I do this weird thing.

     When I look at fashion magazines, I always try to imagine what the voice of that particular model (male or female) would sound like. And you know what. I'm wrong EVERY TIME.

     Their voice never ends up sounding the way I think it "should" sound. Or how I thing it "would" sound. I like to call this the "David Beckham Phenomena".

     When I first saw David years and years ago on a soccer print ad. I immediately thought I knew what his voice would sound like...Like most of you thought...

     And then, when you hear him talk, it's almost a bit jarring.

     You're like..."Um, I'm sorry, what................? But you still FINE though."

     But now, funny enough, I've come to love David's ironic voice of sorts.

     And I think that's how it goes.

     The unfolding of our true selves will either connect us to those people that we are meant to be connected with or repel them.

     Not everyone will "get us", "love us", or even "like us" and that's okay.

     But if we never unravel the persona of ourselves first, we will be presenting people with a false promise of which they will expect you to tap dance out every time you're in their company.

     And you'll be living out a dead-end masquerade ball of sorts--a nonstop cycle of feeling exhausted, confused, and resentful--with an added dash of a fear of committing to people, places, and callings.

     So let the persona go.

     Get undressed and let the real you, the real person be seen and known--in all its ugly, its terrific, its beautiful...and in all its splendor.

+++

     I'm more suspicious these days.

     What you see is not always what you get.

     But I took a risk out there on that car rental lot. And the luxury car he suggested I go for, I ended up saying yes to.

     It all felt a little strange.

     I never go for first class. Second best has always been good enough for me. I wouldn't normally say that out loud, so I've written it down instead.

     "Am I being charged extra for this nicer car?" I say with my eyes almost closed to anticipate the damage.

     "No. No. Of course not. I wanted to give it to you with no extra charge....

     ...Because I liked your name..."

Wisdom's Knocking:

"At your absolute best, you still won't be good enough for the wrong person.

At your worst, you'll still be worth it to the right person."

- Kimberly Jones-Pothier

Our Wild Ways

Last week, I headed back to my hometown for a reunion of sorts.

A reunion with my former self, before I fully became something new.

So we played. Took pictures. And talked about being tourists in my hometown.

To be a pioneer, one mustn't be tame.

No.

In fact, one must be a tad bit wild.


----

Photography by: Elias Galarza // Patrice Patrick