Let's Not Fake It Out

The new year is upon us. It's silently creeping in this time. Not with a lot of hype, and maybe not with a lot of expectation. But I know better.

This is no resolution but a straight up fact: I will not fake it out with you in 2009.

And I will know passion like I've never known before.

A quick but sincere thank you to all of my loyal friends and sisters in the struggle and in the grind. This year will bloom, starting from day 1. And I will continue to do those things which scare the pee out of me--like love.

Hurray and Hoorah! Fulfillment is upon us.

Exclamation

When did you and I become so dramatic? When did we start using all caps and 3 exclamation points for every statement that we're trying to convey on the internet.

It began as an exaggerated alter ego. A peppier, more vibrant version of myself. But something interesting began to happen. The printed words and expressions didn't simply remain in a void of internet space, they began to help break me out of the monotony of my own existence. It was like reconnecting with the joy I had as a 5 year old child.

Funny, I didn't know that part of me was still there--just buried, waiting to emerge.

I know. That too, seems so dramatic. An almost life change by simply overusing exclamation marks.

But then again, in our search for significance, or simply wanting to be heard, we sometimes go to extremes just to get each other's attention.

I just spent a little time at some amazing grammar websites and writer's pages. There seems to be quite a bit of disgust at the overuse of the exclamation point:

In "Exclamation! etc.," essayist Lewis Thomas insists that all writers "should be compelled, by law if necessary, to submit professional credentials and undergo a waiting period of seven days before placing an exclamation point at the end of a sentence." Regulation is necessary, he says, to prevent the mark from spreading:

The problem is that once you allow one or two in, they tend to multiply, scattering themselves everywhere, expostulating, sounding off, making believe that phrases have a significance beyond what the words themselves are struggling to say. They irritate the eyes. They are, as well, pretentious, self-indulgent and in the end almost always pointless. If a string of words is designed to be an astonishment, a veritable terror of a string, the words should be crafted to stand on their own, not forced to jump up and down by an exclamation point at the end like a Toyota salesman on TV.
(Et Cetera, Et Cetera: Notes of a Word-Watcher, Little, Brown and Company, 1990) Credit: "Richard's Grammar and Composition Blog"

But in our internet culture of today amidst heavy duty adverts everywhere you turn ("Look NOW!", "Brand new!!!", "Never Before Seen!", "Can't Miss THIS!!!", etc.) it has become commonplace to exaggerate, and to especially exaggerate ourselves, over looking the fine and subtle details that make us so extraordinary. Sometimes it's not in a yell, but in a whisper. But of course we're a bit too busy to lean down to stop to take in such fragile things.

I'm thankful for the exclamation mark, really I am. But like with anything else, in becoming too familiar with such a weighty thing, it causes everything else around it to become commonplace and not quite as exciting as it could have been by itself alone.

And once again, grammar challenges me to become a better person.

Yes. Just like that.

It's Complicated

The idea of being in a romantic relationship is astonishing, exciting, and anticipated. But the idea is also frightening and a bit nauseating.

No. I'm not in a relationship triangle. Nor is there a suitor trying to pursue me.

BUT, I have been re-inspired to believe in the beauty of true Romance, the stuff epics are made of. With the resurgence of this idea of romance, it naturally causes me to face my fears, inadequacies, and 'diminishing' commitment issues.

How could you want something so badly and still be so afraid of it? Yeah, I guess it's complicated.

Your Story

It was nice to go out yesterday. I mean, I like hibernation just as much as the next bear. But there is something to be said with having a new level of sanity and security of which I don't think I had much to do with.

No, seriously. This late summer and fall has been my "Joseph's Pit"--so close to the Palace, but stuck underground. But at the same time, as frail as I feel, a new grace abounds.

It's fun to pray with or for people in this season. I usually feel nothing special. No tingles, no gold dust, no nothin. But what comes out of my mouth surprises me-- Everytime. I'm like, "What did I just say...and how did I know that about you??" And on the other end, His Sweet Holy Spirit has caught us both up before we can say, 'Whodunnit'.

There are so many things that seem quite outrageous to me. All around me, there are big decisions being made, in the macro and micro of things. Many decisions of which I'm confused by, but not entirely upset...disappointed maybe...but not fully upset.

And even in my own mind, I'm wrestling. Sometimes I'm by myself, sometimes with an Angel, but most of the time with this being we call God. There are so many times that I want to say in my best Ricky Ricardo voice..."Joo haf sum explanin to DO!" Like really, it's okay to let me in on your universally cosmic detailed planned. Just tell me already. Why are things going down this way and not that way.

Why is love looking so much different to me now then when I was 8 years old or 16 or 21 even? And is a dream really a wish your heart makes and can it really come true?

Stories, stories, stories.

Our lives and relationships are sustained because of them. Good stories bring inspiration and Bad stories can defame character, spread gossip, and fantastical rumors. All of which affect how you see me and how I see you.

And to think, I'm waiting on a story. A story that will shift my own heart to believe simply in the beauty of life and the reality of the more. Because then, that story will infect my community, my friends, my family, even the love of my life.

It's true. We're all waiting for our grand story in a way. But what if you are already in it. The 'waiting' is not a sphere void of existence and purpose, in fact, I'm thinking, that's when the most action is happening, especially in our hearts.

So last night, when I went out, I was aware.

I was aware that the story is being told even now.

And at the end of the night, knowing that, allowed me another sweet night's sleep at the bottom of the pit.

And in Essence...

Could it be, would it be, more than what you think of me.

Sing songs around me, write poems about me.

But trusting and knowing that there is more.

Feels ethereal. I'm right here.

Feels convoluted. But I'm right here.

Feels repetitive. And still I'm here.

In essence, it's all the same and different.

Gettin Back

There's an upswing happening in our midst. It shall be excellent. He is that good.





And how do we perceive ourselves? Are we really who we believe we are? Meaning, is that how people see us?...Is our self perception skewed. Do we constantly say we are about love, compassion, and mercy but have an attitude as hot as a volcano.

Is there a disconnect in what we are choosing to believe about ourselves and what is truly ourselves. I'm going to be bold and say yes.

And praise God we don't always get what we feel we deserve. Especially in the timeframe that we think we deserve that....this and the other.

Because as Zig Ziglar has stated (and one of my all time favorite quotes): "What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals."

The heart. Who we are. The essence of us. Even more important than the goal. The destination. The dream. Because somewhere intertwined within the dream is us.

Am I still me without the achievement of "great" things?

Why yes. Yes indeed.


It's interesting to me that Jesus does not need our service or our gifts. Those are not the things that He died for. He simply died for us. The rest is beautiful icing.

So as the good and the great begin to greet us, let us never forget that we are not the things that we gather or those things we are able to do or achieve. We are much more profound and much more beautiful than that. We were loved and have the opportunity to be partakers of love in some way, each and every day.

We 'were' and are loved.

Yes, that is something I am trying to understand and grasp everyday.

Like Jeopardy

You know that music that plays on the game show Jeopardy. Not the theme music, but the music that is played around the final round. It's this fluid yet monotonous sort of jingle.

Well, that's what it feels like in this time and space. And secondly, I can't believe it's already September.

I must let you know something.

It's appropriate that we will be entering fall in the next few weeks. Because I feel as if I have let all my own dreams and desires "fall"....die so to speak. And no, no, I don't want you to feel pity or sorry for me. Maybe just hug me real tight the next time you see me. It's just that something is lingering in the atmosphere. It's bugging me a bit. I feel this sense of "looming". I know, not trying to get all apocalypto on you, but I'm just trying to be honest. I don't feel this "looming" for myself so much as I do for the world. Weird. I know.

There is such a hunger for hope right now. Heck, I'm trying to regain it myself. And in this instance, it's so hard to see that I am loved by Him. Not that I don't think He is capable of love, it's just I'm having a hard time receiving it and believing it fully in this current wave of emotion.

That theme music is playing and at the same time this weird sort of drum countdown.

I'm still waiting for the new beginning. I'm still waiting for the more.

Friday Night

I'm just now getting home.

It's almost midnight.

I spent 8 hours at the Clinic with my mom.

What an interesting place. "The Clinic".

You should visit your local one sometime.

Especially all you artists with no health insurance. Don't act like I'm the only one.

But, in the midst of this insanely long day, I found out about a no cost health program (extending beyond "The Clinic"). Ask me about it, it's Fascinating.

And I learned more about my body. I have a wack Urinary Tract Infection. Stoopid.

And I have horrible gas. I know, this you already knew about me. But I'll spare you the gruesome details that go along with it. Let's just say, I have to do an immediate colon cleanse.

Oh, and let's not forget my Clinic boyfriend "Bull"....What a character. But he came in to get his foot x-rayed after he had broken something or rather. He was talkin to his Clinic gang friends and mentioned how he was at a church service and the pastor called out a "healing word" for him. The pastor said that his foot would be healed. Well, you could tell that "Bull" was skeptical of the whole thing...he even mentioned the continued pain he had in his foot while telling the story at the Clinic. But to his surprise, when he got the x-ray back there were no broken bones! Loves it.




And that was my Friday night.


P.S. My mom is a ride or die chick! Love you boo!

Well...

I have nothing but a blank stare on my face and a bit of unrest and confusion. No, I'm not complaining. Wait, am I? Crap, I can't tell anymore.

Today is a Wednesday. Hump Day. In Between. I feel like my spirit is dancing "In the Middle Somewhat Elevated"...

How Hot Must It Get...

Do you ever feel like your back is up against the wall? And the only way for things to truly change would involve some sort of miracle.

Well it seems as if a lot of folks, including myself are in that boat as of late.

Our hopes and dreams are staring at us...but from a cliff as we free fall. The only way that we'll meet these hopes and dreams is if something with wings picks us up before we splat on the ground.

Right now it feels like fire on my neck. And not the good kind. It feels incredibly claustro in this space. I'm wanting out...but I'm free falling...I've chosen to.

Music Video: "Free Fallin'"--John Mayer

The Swirl

I remember being in university and one of my Black roommates from Tennessee giggled about "being down with the Swirl". I giggled too. Wait. What's the Swirl?

She explained. Black girls-White boys. And vice versa for that matter. But we were Black girls and only concerned about the topic that included ourselves. Thus we continued to talk about the Justin Timberlakes, the Kevin Richardsons, the Robert DeNiros, the Ted Dansons, the Johnny Depps, and others that we knew in our lives at the time that might be down with the Swirl as well.

And as we saw plenty of our male counterparts participating in the Swirl, like it "ain't no thang", We waited like observant hawks to see which White boy would dare to enter into the land of the Swirl.

I mean the White boys loved us, or so they said. They loved our humor, our sassiness, our passion, our comfort, our hips, our lips, our culture, our music, heck, some even loved Africa!

But nevertheless, in all my years at university, and amidst the variety of White male friends that we all had, no one took that leap into the land of the Swirl--well except for one that I can think of. But he was so embedded into African-American Hip Hop culture, we all thought of him as a "Light Skinned Black Man", and you know exactly the type of guy I'm talking about. And yes, he's married to a beautiful Black girl now.

Mind you, I'm from the old school, or shall I say, I like the old school ways. I want to be pursued. Most of my girls wanted to be pursued as well. So it wasn't about making something happen on our end. It was about seeing who would take a risk on 'their' end.

Well that was many, many years ago. My friend from Tennessee married a nice Black gentlemen. In fact, one of my other Black roommates from that era is also marrying a nice Black gentlemen in September.

So what ever happened to all this talk about the Swirl? We'll it's still a hot topic today, especially among Black women. I actually wanted to start directing a documentary on the topic this year, but I've been facing nothing but closed doors. Nonetheless, there are quite a few people documenting stories about this particular topic and exploring the other issues of identity and beauty that go along with it.

Earlier this year I was incredibly discouraged about my inability to get this particular project off the ground. But I've learned to trust the timing of God. I know what it's like to try and place a square peg into a circle. And I know what it's like to walk through the open doors that He creates for you. I'd rather go with the latter.

So I continue to wait with this topic of interest in my heart, ready to tell a story-- To go into topics of cultural reconciliation, redemption, identity, and beauty. So I steady wait. There are plenty of Swirl stories happening in my city and probably in yours. But who knows, maybe the story I'll document in regards to this topic might be my own...Because it's true. I am down with the Swirl.

Impossible Things Are Happening Everyday

I think I've just entered one of those seasons where faith and peace are thrust upon you. And for some reason it becomes easy to believe for the impossible and crazy things to happen.

I felt a similar wave of this buttery goodness back in 2001. And for those that know me, know what I'm talking about. My crazy Adrien Brody experience.

Nonetheless, no, Adrien and I aren't homies. BUT there was a divine encounter to say the least.

But that story is for another time.

I believe that God does honor our patience, our obedience, and our character. Not only in ways to preserve love in and around us but to display His extravagance, specifically in context to our relationship with Him.


And I do believe He is cheering me on this particular season of my life. I feel like He's about to unload something. And usher me into something...all at the same time. No need to brace myself. I feel safe and at peace. And on top of that I feel joy.

Oh long lost joy, where hast thou been...oh how I've missed you.


Mind you, Nothing looks the way that I thought it would look at this stage of my life. And to my surprise, I'm quite okay with that.

I have this funny feeling that August will blow my mind away, and this year will end with a bang.

You know why....because....

And Sometimes...

...We think the grass is greener on the other side. Of which it rarely ever is....

"The grass may be greener on the other side of the fence, but you still have to mow it." -Proverb

Jacked.

So tonight...Independence Night. I got jacked. The money amount is a bit irrelevant at this point. Okay, not completely irrevlant--I was meaning to live off of that amount for the next week and a half or so. But the feeling of being violated is a bit repulsive. And no, there was no gun put to my head...nothing like that at all. Just a bit of carelessness on my part. But I was in a familar and comfortable home setting...

Mind you, in the midst of all this though, I feel a ridiculous amount of peace. And I know that the Creator of Justice will take care of the situation in the days to come.

On top of feeling a bit taken advantage of, I'm feeling sick. I know. It's so stupid. Who wants to be sick in the summer? Better yet...who gets a sore throat in hot humid weather on July 4th?

I do.

So with that, I'm not feeling tip top by any means. I already feel a bit off kilter and irritated at best. Again, I feel jacked.

What's with this sense of being taken advantage of? Why are things being stolen? This cannot be the season that I waited for. I won't accept it.

Whatever good/great thing that is hiding around the corner, I give you permission to come and bum rush me right this second.

And with the idea of being taken advantage of...I also feel a bit lied to. I simply want the truth. Be brave enough to say it and live in it. Really though, say what you mean and mean what you say. Because I'm afraid if we don't, we're stealing something from one another--giving each other a rip off sort of relationship.

So tonight, what have I learned?

People sometimes lie, cheat, and steal. But Why? Well, That's the quick way to achieving what they think won't really ever come their way--and a faulty way of self preservation. But what we don't really realize is that you've already lost something at the same time you believe you are gaining something.

Whoever stole my money tonight has other things to deal with besides a possible klepto problem or some bills to pay. Unfortunately, they probably don't care to explore those other emotional issues at the moment, so instead--they'll buy a nice late nite dinner....on me.

Paul Newman

There is just something about Paul Newman that I love and adore. He's a true G.
Classy, sophisticated, artistic, strong, intelligent, and sexy.

I can only hope that my husband has a little bit of Paul in him.

Begotten.

I am in awe right now. Seriously.

Secure and in awe and in love.

It's ridiculous and right. And sovereign.

And dang, I love you so much right now...simply for taking the time to read this.

Not a House, a Home.

So I'll be moving again...sometime in the next few months. I'm on the search for a home. Ideally it would have been nice to inherit a cottage from my Boo Prince Carl of Sweden but we're not on speaking terms at the moment.

So we'll see how this all plays out. He truly is my provider and I am grateful. And who knows, maybe there's a surprise in the mix that I haven't yet foreseen...that could possibly change everything.

Plans...Schmans.

Mostly Because of the Foot Massages

And that is only one of the reasons that get me excited about being married.

How Does One Become a Sultan?

I have become enlightened today. I've been watching "Forbes Top 20 Young Royals" on E! Network. Looking at the lives of this unique breed under the age of 30.

And how does one become BFFs with Prince Carl of Sweden. I could be in love.

From Dubai to Sweden to other places I've never even heard of. But you best believe that they are doing it big...

Spending $40,000 on a birthday dress....oh yes she did.

Having a birthday party bash and giving all your attendees s.w.a.g. ("stuff we all get" aka free gifts) that consisted of a trip to Kenya and a Dental Make Over. What!

Getting an island worth $9,000,000 for your birthday. That's right suckaz.

And it goes on and on...

Yeah, I think I want to be a princess. Word up.

But Can You Speak French

I'm laying in bed half watching some random movie with Steven Seagal, which by the way, features some amazing 1980s score blazing with a saxophone and some sort of synthesizer. This is almost as good as eating cheese.

But mostly I'm up contemplating. Isn't that what we all do? And my stream of consciousness is just that...a stream of random but impactful questions and statements that are worthy of a visit or two.

I hope I have good dreams tonight. Last night and this morning I had weird dreams. I felt that I needed to be rescued from them.

And I also hope I remember all the things I need to do in the next few days. For some reason, I don't believe in a planner--which almost seems like complete lunacy because of all the things I end up doing. But I guess it feels more like an adventure that way. And I'm always up for an adventure.

To Have Seen

To see and experience His love is the invitation granted to all of us. And dang, what an invitation it truly is. I have come back from Zambia feeling loved. And not simply in that abstract sort of way, but in very specific and intentional ways. Of course, His love changes everything. Thank goodness.

Sidenotes and thoughts:

Yes, love is about choosing. In fact, we were chosen first. There's serious intention in that. It was no haphazard sort of thing. I think that's what's so important about maturity in love. Our choices render us authority and power in the realms of love. I think that's what is so profound about "putting away childish" things...that season of life when decisions are made for you...transitioning into "becoming a man/woman", the ability to make choices on your own...but not only that, the ability and authority to receive and distribute love in profound ways.

Let us be intentional in what we do--intentional about love and the adventure that it brings.

Love Comes To You.

I'm a few days away from my life completely changing. I leave for Zambia, Africa and have no full idea of what to expect.

But of course, as I prepare to leave, the Lord has had me prepare on a variety of different levels, emotionally and spiritually.

With great power comes great responsibility. Meaning--the ability to make choices that give way to power (and love) being used effectively in any given situation. As a Believer, we have that ability always. "A sound mind"...and the Word, cutting through fact and fiction always exposing the truth.

I've been thinking a lot about Abram and his transition into becoming Abraham and then ultimately his ready heart of sacrifice because he trusted. He trusted when it hurt and didn't make complete sense. That's where I'm at this morning.

I know what He has spoken to my heart. "I am in the season of promise." It holds true weight with me. But again circumstances provoke an opposite and painful reality. And then I remember. His love never fails.

What an incredible statement--to have the phrase "never fails". To really see and understand that begins to melt away fear. I love being honest and vulnerable with God. He's not afraid of me in any sort of way. It's so refreshing.

Something New is really happening here. I am choosing to be awake. I am choosing to feel. I am choosing to believe that He is real. I am choosing to believe that He is working all things together for my good. I am choosing to believe that He knows the true desires of my heart. I am choosing to walk with Him in patience. I am choosing to lay my heart and the one I fell in love with on the altar.

I am choosing.

Everything

It's all about to change. This is the week of the crazy unexpected surprise blessings. In fact, it has already begun. Just let the rain fall on your face. It won't hurt you. No, not at all.

There's something very special about this week and I'm eager to see what it's all about.

We Laugh To Learn

I find that in humor, we can talk more openly about the truth. Sometimes funny people get a bad rap--like we don't get the bigger picture or that nothing means anything to us. (You like how I deemed myself as funny. Haha)

But truly that is not the case. I believe that humor and laughter are gifts straight from the heavenlies. They seem to unlock mystery or give a unique language to our deepest feelings and emotional journeys.

I've been learning a lot this week. Thus, I've been laughing a lot this week. People are beginning to surprise me in the best way. Me, being used to a bit of disappointment and cyclical let downs finds it refreshing when people say the cleverest things that cause your heart to leap and your spirit to say, "Yes". Finally.

And Stacey and Eboni, if you're reading this....You are phenomenal.

I'm feeling more free these days and with that sort of freedom comes introspection about the responsibility such freedom brings. Selah.





"I don't know if I want you to understand me....or Go"--Kenna.

I do want you to understand me. Make me laugh. Let my walls come down and the truth will come in-- exposing who we really are.

Love is Here

When it is now and time stands still how you look so beautiful in this light.
Because I'm so shy but bold in your light how I can see you somehow is just right.
And now I can breathe like newness achieved bowing only to the prospect of you.
Your heart is just right and more or less like the night, exposed for the daylight to be.
I knew you once before this age and He alone can gauge the journey it has taken from there to here.

Embrace Part 2

What was the beautiful collision? I'm not quite sure, but I think it's happening. A lot of unrest and irritable emotion is rising to the surface. It feels a little painful, but mostly uncomfortable.

I realize things are changing and in turn that will change everything. I chose to remain vulnerable even though it feels a little squishy here, like I don't completely fit. But on the other side...Oh, the other side. There must be one. No matter how closely you're looking at the coin, you're still only seeing one side. And thus, I'm waiting for the coin to flip. I want to see now.

"Dance on my agenda...rain on my parade" For I know it will change everything. I won't be afraid to wait and look at you, but I'm scared you won't look back. Grace me with yourself. I won't turn away, I choose to embrace.

Isn't It

Isn't weird when you have a dream of someone--wake up...and then they call you? That's been happening to me a lot lately.

I mean, how normal is that anyway? I'm just curious. So what say you?

Embrace

I feel like I could be in love. Prior to this moment, I was embracing my self for some sort of horrible crash of sorts, but now I'm finding myself in the midst of some sort of beautiful collision.

Not Just Vision, Intimacy

I tend to be quite a little cheerleader. I can't help it. I love seeing smiles on peoples faces. But I've realized, I might be sacrificing a level of true intimacy.

I don't want to cheerlead so loud that I indirectly end up hiding from you because I'm so focused on cheerleading a vision vs. connecting and loving you in this moment. Something about truly being present freaks me out. But that's where I really want to be. I, like you, want to connect meaningfully (is that a word?) with people. But I think I have some weird insecurities with proximity. And the question always arises in my head, "Why do you want to know me?" Or in some cases, "Why don't you want to know me?". I'm just realizing this now. No I'm lying. I've known for quite some time that I have intimacy issues. They've just become a bit more visual as I stir in the midst of a life transition.

Everything doesn't have to always be about vision, which is almost like blashphemy for me to say. I love finding and seeing purpose/vision in everything I do. But in addition to vision, I want to enrich my life with true intimacy. I don't want to be scared to know you and for you to know about me.

So with that said, let's just sit down and stare at each to see who wins.

Freakin People!!

As you can tell, by the title, I'm a little revved up. I'm hoping by writing some of the reason why, will help calm me down.

This morning--or should I say afternoon, when I awoke, I remembered I had pleasant pleasant dreams. The mood and vibe of these series of dreams was refreshing, calm but full of life. I had journeys with people in open air malls and walks down long corridors of Tiffany's. Yes, that "Tiffany's". There was a Brazilian girl, real cool and down to earth, helping and being somewhat of a tour guide and enthusiast. There was this guy who I was attracted to and connecting with, but now I can't see or remember his face at all. Which is bizarre, because in my dream I made a specific point to remember his face. Oh and something about a mall bench, you know like those benches that look like they're supposed to be in a garden. Well, me and mystery man had some quality time on that bench--nothing serious at all, just sitting next to each other, pretty close....legs touching...Oh, which reminds me, I looked down to see what I was wearing--basically my pajamas. Awesome. I had on my red boxers with the white polka dots and some sort of t-shirt, I think my t-shirt had a school name on it, maybe USC.

My QT (quality time) with mystery man gets interrupted as the two people (1 Guy, 1 Girl) we were travelling with come back from visiting separate stores. The guy (not mystery love man) sits in between my mystery guy and I. He had some jokes, we all laughed, and then we leave that area and walk down a hallway.

As we get to the end of the hallway, people are on the ground tending to a garden. I recognize most of the people--they are from my old school (Bethel). Oh, and Heidi is down there tending to a garden as well. Everyone is chill and happy. I specifically remember seeing Brandon Eggerth, Jessie Vascara, and a really really tall Jenny Zimmerman. The guys had dropped some comments stating that they didn't recognize me. I figured it was mostly because my hair was blonde and I was so beautiful (ha ha), no but really.

Oh and earlier in a walkway, I saw the Mrs. Jackson's kids--but they were all so young, especially the son. Probably around 12 or 13.

Something about this dream reminded me of Malibu. Not so much the actual place, but the feel and vibe of that city.

And so I awoke feeling good.

And then, I go to my computer to check email, and that is when the irritation begins. I deal with an email that is of great irritation to me. It feels like a "monkey wrench", it really effects my heart on a variety of levels.

To the Person Who Wrote Me This Email: When will you learn to communicate effectively with honor and love and with consideration? Do you not see your own harmful habits? Fear still dominates you. It's obvious. That is not the kingdom I serve or will ever be apart of.

See, the enemy knew what would affect my heart after such hope invaded my dreams. But I'm wise enough to know that a "monkey wrench" ain't gonna stop no show! Now, my emotions need to get aligned to that truth.

I'm committed to going down loving--regardless.

I love the fact that I feel...that I'm a little extra sensitive. And I'm also proud that I continually choose to be courageous in how I love.

People and Circumstances have, do, and will test us. But ultimately, we are the ones that get to write our score through our response. Love of course, leading us to an A--because Love never fails.

Lover

I want one.

Even with a Monkey Wrench...

Today is the day that is bridging yesterday to your future. I feel as if some of us may feel like there's been a small monkey wrench thrown into the mix today--messing up or delaying situations.

But I'm here to declare, that no monkey wrench will stop the blessing that's headed your way, like a big tsunami. Honestly, what can stop a tsunami once its in motion, Not even something as sturdy as a car or boat, and definitely not some stinkin monkey wrench.

The monkey wrench of today is about to be swept away in the wave of blessing. Don't hold firm to discouragement, fear, or disappointment. Let those things slip from your grasp.

Our dreams are in the process of coming true...even now. They are on their way to you. And there will be a beautiful collision of destiny and joy as we realize that the monkey wrench has no absolute power.

I'm rooting for you. And so are all of those that desire to see you smile and succeed. Because you will.

I Think I Have Something To Say...

It's late night, early morning 3 am.

I'm feeling in love, smitten even and I'm not even in a relationship. It's the weirdest thing, but I think the chemicals in body don't realize that there's not a man reciprocating the same emotion towards me. Nonetheless, I feel a bit like I'm on cloud nine-not that I know what cloud eight or ten feel like. But nine seems just perfect to say right now.

I just spent an evening with a group of friends. We ate, we laughed. Mostly we laughed. It feels good to let your hair down, to feel like you can be yourself, because it feels like family--in the best sense of the word.

I'm reminded of this verse in the Bible about how we will know that God is even real---by the way we love each other. I felt a little bit of that statement tonight. It was like embracing love and experiencing it all at the same time.

There's going to be more of those moments for you and I in 2008. Love won't simply be a concept or a theoretical statement, or some ethereal thing we can't relate to or partake in. This year, you and I will allow ourselves to be loved. We're moving past our hurt, discouragement, bitterness, sadness, and depression...and we are now walking in the wisdom of learning from our mistakes, or simply learning in general. And with that understanding comes freedom. And in perfect love, there is no fear.

So what I'm trying to say is: The love revolution has begun. And it will change everything.

Selah

Have you heard Selah from Lauryn Hill? It's a couple years old, but dang. I miss Lauryn. I know there's been all kinds of rumors about her state of mind, but I simply see her as a prodigy working things out like the rest of us. But in the midst of her journey, she still manages to have a song like Selah. Amazing.

That song represents what 2007 was like for me. It reminds me of the goodness of Him, the love that's imminent...it seems too good, almost too good to be true. But the more I press into such love, my hesitation subsides and I allow myself to truly live.

Selah.

Cloverfield

Okay, before I lose the nerve to say this...

I loved this movie.

Either you love it or hate it. Yeah, because in the movie theatre that I saw it in, people basically booed at the end and said something to the effect of wanting their money back. Classic.

I won't give any spoilers away, so you can keep reading this.

What stood out to me the most was the theme. Yes, there is a purposed theme running throughout that movie like cinema clock work. And that theme spoke to me. It truly resonated with me in a strong way. But for the masses, everyone sort of by passed that level of the film and hungered for more guts, more explanation, more...something.

But to me, at the end of the movie the statement had been made. To Drew Goodard (the writer of the film): I think I got it.

So if you're not too prone to motion sickness, and you like kick butt sound design, some old fashioned editing tricks, and are prepared to suspend your disbelief in a new way, then you should definitely see this film.

I was definitely present every minute of this film. It engaged my senses in a new way, definitely had to pay attention and get into the world of this movie.

Oh, and don't forget to look beyond the surface of the action of the story, it's below that aspect that you'll tap into something that I think will resonate with your heart, maybe even causing you to reflect a little bit and learn something new.

But then again, you might be the one who throws popcorn at the screen when it's over.

I'm Here

If I didn't write my worth down, would you forget who I am.

If I didn't show up for the party would you remember I can.

If I didn't proclaim my greatness, would you still seek my mysteries.

And if I didn't remind you that I am here, would you still find time for me.

This billboard I carry of my own advert slows me down but keeps me active.

But I'm ready to shed such promotion for something real and much less frantic.

Gumption

That word just popped into my head just now. And the thought of the recent (or not so recent, depending on perspective) movie The Holiday with Jude Law was connected heavily to that word gumption.

In the one of the scenes with Kate Winslet and Eli Wallach, he mentions the word gumption, and later prods her to not become merely the best friend but the leading lady, by asserting such strength and attitude.

With all these new steps ahead of me, I hear a sweet voice, possibly similar to Eli's, encouraging me forward in the world of possibilities and impossibilities.

Simpliest

It seems as if I'm relishing the notion of getting back to basics. Yeah, yeah--maybe because it's the new year. Nonetheless, I'm reconnecting with those things that bring me peace and joy.

Yesterday, was such a beautiful day. It rained and rained. Not in that sort of depressing "rain rain go away" sort of way. But it rained in the "rain rain come and stay and wash away causing rainbows and new days" type of rain.

I spent the evening with a sweet friend. We watched Sense and Sensibility. I gathered revelation after revelation watching that movie for the umpteenth time. But what I loved the most was the time I spent with this friend. I wasn't caught up in trying to entertain or impress, we simply spent time together enjoying Emma's beautiful portrayal of sensibility and the many layers of such a disposition.

In the midst of watching this film, I was very present. Meaning, I was able to soak up the entire experience without any anxiety or rush. I felt no need to check my cell phone ever or to cap my time in fear that we would have nothing left to do or talk about. Instead, there was an easy flow. The kind that only comes when you are free and allow liberty to dictate your attitude and emotions.

We capped the night by watching amazing clips on You Tube. The IT Crowd. David, if you're reading this, you have to catch this show. Of course, it's a brainchild of the British. I'm told there were two seasons on BBC and that was it. Now, the U.S. will make its own version of this hilarious comedy. I'm not quite sure how the American version will go over. But The Office has made a huge name for itself here after being the remake of the original BBC version. For some reason, I'm sort of married to the BBC version, never allowing myself to fully be taken over by the American version.

I have digressed. Typical.

A lot had changed by the end of the day. Something had changed within me. And at night, as I drove an hour back to my home, it began to snow in certain parts of my journey. Smiling ear to ear and not afraid of crashing in the snow, I was truly thankful for the simple things.

No Lights, Bring Light

There are loads of things going on in the planet right this minute, but only two things seem to take precedent. Britney Spears' horrible meltdown and the Californian winter storm.

I'll focus more on the latter, yet I think both subjects do deserve some sort of commentary.

So, the power went out last night in my desert land. It was out for about an hour. Good Lord, an hour never felt so long before. After the family and I gathered some candles, we all went to our respective rooms and sat under candle light. Candle light..it got me thinking...The age before electricity was so incredibly different then our world today I gather that there was less noise than today, an atmosphere to help support the quieting of the soul. It seems as if we don't know how to use silence to our benefit these days. There's always something buzzing...always something on. It's become a comforting whisper. But take all that away, all that fidget, all that noise, and a bit of anxiety creeps in knowing that your trust and security was not in something solid at all, but mostly temporary at best.

So I decided to read. I'm continuing to read this book titled, "Dreaming with God". It's truly fascinating and tends to probe and possibly irritate at times the deep things of the heart. I think that everyone wants to be not just a dreamer, but a good or even great dreamer. That sort of continually reaching for more, envisioning higher, in turn, changes us in the process. We become strong again, loving again, courageous again. But if we never choose to stretch that muscle, the atrophy will grip us, making us slaves to fear.

Anyway...In the dark, under candle light, I had this thought:

What would everyone in the world do if there was no power for one whole hour. How would that one hour shape our lives, shape the community. Would fear and looting be ushered in right away, or would patience and hope settle? Right now, just thinking off the top of my head, I think that something ridiculous and harmful would surface, and rather fast.

But if we knew ahead of time that we would have no power for an hour, how would we prepare, what things would we plan on doing in that time frame. I have a feeling that those would be the things that actually matter most in our lives.

Electricity has changed everything--from technology to our sleeping patterns (we now stay up much later, verses back in the day, when a majority of people went to sleep after sunset). We don't know what electricity is really, but it's such an integral part of our lives.

But take away that 'light', and what light to we bring to this era?

Pre

I'm in the process of some pre-production for my next documentary. It feels really good to start something new, something fresh. I'm realizing that I love my process of creating. It's very simple. It involves me, the internet, loads of magazines, a glue stick, and a composition notebook.

In this process I'm learning to create again. I'm seeing what things catch my interest these days.

This next documentary I'm working on will be about love--more specifically romantic love. As most of you know that's something that I'm passionate about.

Right now, I'm trying to find the hook. Moreover, I'm trying to envision the cast. Because I feel that is where the story lies. I'm very close to it; I'm close to seeing the full vision for this story.

As well as planning this feature documentary, I hope to create some music video treatments. I miss writing and directing in that medium.

Not related to anything I've stated thus far, but I love British accents. So much so, I remember years ago, telling a best friend of mine that I wanted to marry someone with that particular accent, or at someone who could fake it pretty well. And now you've been exposed to the random ramblings of my mind.

Today is Friday, it feels very calm. Very. Maybe because the hustle of the holidays are over. Nonetheless, it's helping me to focus and feel unrestricted.

I just had this thought--or question...Is there something you're wanting to start? Are you waiting for all the perfect conditions? I hope not. Now is the time, and rarely are there perfect conditions, in fact, it's usually in the worst conditions that you become inspired with the greatest and most grand ideas. I hope today we both take a step closer to something we dream of. Sometimes it's as simple as just doing it.

Even After, or Ever After

What keeps us believing that something good is on the horizon. Is it our personalities? Half full vs. Half empty. Or is it truly the 'knowing' that something beautiful and intriguing is around the corner.

Hope. It is a powerful thing. With it dreamers are born, without it desperation abounds.

In 2007, I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my soul. I felt tested to the limit. It's always been a bit natural for me to be a dreamer, to believe in the impossible. But in 2007 that was tested in ways that I could have never imagined. My best friend was diagnosed with cancer. Young couples that I know and love going through divorces. Another best friend and I parted ways. And alas, I did not buy my wedding dress.

I found strength in solace, a new type of solitude. This way, this world of solitude was brand new. I'm a people person. I'm a promoter of community. But this journey, like for Frodo, was for me and me alone. Oh how it tested me. It was a constant wrestling and wrenching--pushing me towards strength, refining me in a new standard of beauty and grace. And mostly, I can thank forgiveness.

That has been my sword in 2007, and I imagine that it will continue to be a major weapon for the rest of my life. Forgiving. Letting it become habit. Not in the manner of me becoming a doormat; but in the manner of me becoming a better lover.

Many many things that I believed for in 2007 did not happen. But I'm stubborn. I'm so stubborn and persistent. I'm not even quite sure why. I can't fully turn it off. Nor do I think I want to. I still long to be a dreamer. But more than that, I long to be a dreamer who's dreams manifest. Inspiring myself and others to reach continually for something higher, something beyond ourselves.

It's funny. Not funny ha-ha, but funny in an oxymoronic type of way. I write this particular blog on the heels of yet another heartbreak. I had affections towards a certain individual who in the back of my mind seemed a bit out my league--so I told myself. And whether it became a self fulfilling prophecy or simply the way it tis, I was rejected. Not simply rejected on a romantic level, for he never knew of my feelings, but rejected on a friendship level as well. Meaning, he had no desire whatsoever to know my name, my likes, my dislikes, etc. I devoted a small yet significant month with growing affections towards this person, only to have the door slammed in my face about three times.

Mind you, this person is way too young and immature for me. But you toss those small imperfections aside when filled with dreams and fantasies of a life lived with this person you barely know.

But even after the sting of an emotional door breaking your nose, one can still heal, and rather quickly.

I want this year to be about the Ever After and not so much about the recovery after bad events. I need a good year, not just a good day. I feel you need the same.

Life is meant to be full, and right now I feel a bit starved.

This is not so much resolution as it is a prophetic statement. This will be a year of congratulations. Everywhere we go, there will be something beautiful and amazing to celebrate.

I'll direct my first feature length documentary by myself, meaning not with a co-director. What a huge step for me.

I'll be moving once again.

I'll travel internationally once again.

I'll laugh more than ever.

I'll love hard.

And I'll continue to explore the depths of expression within me.

I'll love hard.

I'll take risks.

I'll be myself.

I'll choose faith over fear.

I'll choose faith over fear.

2008 will not be about the "I'm okay...even after." No. It will be about our lives...Ever After.