Even After, or Ever After

What keeps us believing that something good is on the horizon. Is it our personalities? Half full vs. Half empty. Or is it truly the 'knowing' that something beautiful and intriguing is around the corner.

Hope. It is a powerful thing. With it dreamers are born, without it desperation abounds.

In 2007, I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my soul. I felt tested to the limit. It's always been a bit natural for me to be a dreamer, to believe in the impossible. But in 2007 that was tested in ways that I could have never imagined. My best friend was diagnosed with cancer. Young couples that I know and love going through divorces. Another best friend and I parted ways. And alas, I did not buy my wedding dress.

I found strength in solace, a new type of solitude. This way, this world of solitude was brand new. I'm a people person. I'm a promoter of community. But this journey, like for Frodo, was for me and me alone. Oh how it tested me. It was a constant wrestling and wrenching--pushing me towards strength, refining me in a new standard of beauty and grace. And mostly, I can thank forgiveness.

That has been my sword in 2007, and I imagine that it will continue to be a major weapon for the rest of my life. Forgiving. Letting it become habit. Not in the manner of me becoming a doormat; but in the manner of me becoming a better lover.

Many many things that I believed for in 2007 did not happen. But I'm stubborn. I'm so stubborn and persistent. I'm not even quite sure why. I can't fully turn it off. Nor do I think I want to. I still long to be a dreamer. But more than that, I long to be a dreamer who's dreams manifest. Inspiring myself and others to reach continually for something higher, something beyond ourselves.

It's funny. Not funny ha-ha, but funny in an oxymoronic type of way. I write this particular blog on the heels of yet another heartbreak. I had affections towards a certain individual who in the back of my mind seemed a bit out my league--so I told myself. And whether it became a self fulfilling prophecy or simply the way it tis, I was rejected. Not simply rejected on a romantic level, for he never knew of my feelings, but rejected on a friendship level as well. Meaning, he had no desire whatsoever to know my name, my likes, my dislikes, etc. I devoted a small yet significant month with growing affections towards this person, only to have the door slammed in my face about three times.

Mind you, this person is way too young and immature for me. But you toss those small imperfections aside when filled with dreams and fantasies of a life lived with this person you barely know.

But even after the sting of an emotional door breaking your nose, one can still heal, and rather quickly.

I want this year to be about the Ever After and not so much about the recovery after bad events. I need a good year, not just a good day. I feel you need the same.

Life is meant to be full, and right now I feel a bit starved.

This is not so much resolution as it is a prophetic statement. This will be a year of congratulations. Everywhere we go, there will be something beautiful and amazing to celebrate.

I'll direct my first feature length documentary by myself, meaning not with a co-director. What a huge step for me.

I'll be moving once again.

I'll travel internationally once again.

I'll laugh more than ever.

I'll love hard.

And I'll continue to explore the depths of expression within me.

I'll love hard.

I'll take risks.

I'll be myself.

I'll choose faith over fear.

I'll choose faith over fear.

2008 will not be about the "I'm okay...even after." No. It will be about our lives...Ever After.