Scrabble--The Language of Love

Credit: Kia Photography

   
      In 2011, I think my first date will revolve around the game, "Scrabble." I know. When you think romance, you think, "Scrabble." I know I do--especially after seeing the last episode of "Parenthood" on NBC.

     Funny thing, though. I've never played a full game of Scrabble in my life. Therefore, I consider this some sort of New Year's Resolution. I'll keep you updated on my Scrabble accomplishments. I know you'll be waiting with great anticipation.

     With that said, I want to continue to share the beautiful oddities of my life with you, but I also wanted to leave you with insights and wisdom that I've learned from the many people who have influenced my life.
   
     From here on out, at the end of each of my blog posts, I'll feature, what I like to call, "Wisdom's Knocking" an on-going series of wise sayings and/or thoughts inspired by the artists, lovers, pastors, teachers, dance instructors, professors, financial aid advisors, filmmakers, freelance T.V. production folks, businessmen, businesswomen, friends, mamas, grandmas, fathers, grandpas, and the crazy folk you meet randomly on the street or at the DMV.

Wisdom's Knocking...

     Our love is not about the status you bring to me or the places we go. Our love is about the presence of each others' heart, body, mind, spirit, and soul.

E.I.

E.I. includes these types of abilities:

1. "Perceiving emotions – the ability to detect and decipher emotions in faces, pictures, voices, and cultural artifacts—including the ability to identify one's own emotions. Perceiving emotions represents a basic aspect of emotional intelligence, as it makes all other processing of emotional information possible.
2. Using emotions – the ability to harness emotions to facilitate various cognitive activities, such as thinking and problem solving. The emotionally intelligent person can capitalize fully upon his or her changing moods in order to best fit the task at hand.
3. Understanding emotions – the ability to comprehend emotion language and to appreciate complicated relationships among emotions. For example, understanding emotions encompasses the ability to be sensitive to slight variations between emotions, and the ability to recognize and describe how emotions evolve over time.
4. Managing emotions – the ability to regulate emotions in both ourselves and in others. Therefore, the emotionally intelligent person can harness emotions, even negative ones, and manage them to achieve intended goals."

                                                Credit: Wikipedia.org

      I'm not quite sure how one scientifically measures "Emotional Intelligence". But clearly some have higher scores than others, I'm just saying.

     My question, now remains: How can one improve their score? Is their a Cliff Notes version? Emotional Intelligence for Dummies? Too harsh? Or maybe just simple tender lovin' care and instruction?

     How can we help those that we love?---Or even those that we don't...

The Red

I've been dancing to La Roux in my room for the past week or so. There's something empowering about those filthy, British synthesized beats and sweet lyrics:

"It's all false love and affection
You don't want me
You just like the attention...
I'm not your toy..."

And of course, my anthem this year has been "Bulletproof". And no, I haven't been scorned by a recent lover, but I feel fiesty and encouraged. Perhaps it's recovering from those past days of heartache. My movement has become a dance that feels more like a victory stomp.

It feels good to have your passion restored.

Street Degree

     One valuable lesson my mama has taught me: "Never be afraid to ask questions--never be afraid to ask." Many times you won't get the answer you desire, but many times you will.

Denmark

I miss you.

You snuck up on me once again. My thoughts got carried away. Carried away.

It was all such a whirlwind when I met you.

Full of promise with your royalty and well designed outlook.

Yes it all gives me butterflies.

It's true. You had my heart. But now, you have it once again.

Sabotage!

     Twice this month the battery in my car needed a jump. I knew my battery was getting old, but my sweet "Shaquifa" (Yes, that's my car's name), had never pulled two tantrums like that before. Plus, I'm pretty regular with car maintenance and upkeep, especially since my Dad is pretty much a mechanic--mostly for fun, but he gets the job done.

     Anyhow,  this last Sunday, I had just gotten gas, when..."Wallah!"my car wouldn't start...oddly enough the alarm in my car still worked and my power windows could still hang. Hmm.

     So I called AAA. The guy was a sweet greasy mechanic. But he was not trying to smile or even make eye contact with me. Bad day, I guess. He then runs a few tests on my battery. He tells me the same thing that another mechanic told me a few weeks prior: "You need to replace this battery right away--acid is leaking, the cables are awful, etc. If I give you a jump, once you turn your car off, it won't start again, unless you replace it with a new battery."

     Just as he's explaining this to me, I nod and smile, and decide to put the key in the ignition and turn it, just for fun.

     All of a sudden, my car starts! Um. What. Okay. That was weird.

     The guy doesn't seem happy or surprised. His lady may have dumped him that day, he was emotionally dry, he gave me nothing to work with.

     Then my AAA mechanic tells me, "You can buy a new battery today, because when you turn your car off, it won't start again."

     I politely smiled at him, declined the new battery offer and said,  "I know you are telling me all the things that you are supposed to, but my car will start again...and again...and again. And that's just counting today."

     Now he has a response. He kind of grins.

     I tell him, "Thank you, for coming out." and we part ways.

     I made many stops that Sunday afternoon and evening, after my battery apparently had died, and each time, my car started beautifully. 

     If I would have turned home in fear, I would have missed something very crucial and life-changing that Sunday night. (I'll share with you in a future blog, what that special moment was.)


     Oh, but don't you want to know the end of the car battery drama? So, I call AAA, today, because I'm finally prepared to buy a new battery, I knew the time would come soon, since my battery is well-aged--and I figured, I might as well just do it now.

    I have my dad with me as a new AAA mechanic inspects my battery--

     "You're battery is fine--You don't need a new one." (There was no acid leaking, by the way)

-------

      So about an hour later, my Dad is cleaning the cables to my battery...and he discovers a huge grey pleathery cloth stuck underneath my battery.

Frankie Says, Relax! And Maybe Go Play Some Chess…

My wisdom nuggets for today:

“You make time for what you want to make time for.”

“You make time for who you want to make time for.”

Truly.

No need to hide behind excuses or failed attempts and intentions.

You are a creature of choices.

You are deciding daily who and what is important to you.

Truly.

We are always operating out of seen and unseen priorities. 

Who or what did you make time for today?

 --For that is the place where your heart dwells and is inspired to come alive, or on the other hand it may be the place where your heart is trapped and dying to break free.

Truly.

Lovin' Would Be Easy If Your Colors Were Like My Dreams

When true love is presented, it seems as if the notion of sacrifice quickly surfaces. I'm learning more and more that sacrifice is vital for love to flourish.

The world paints a different picture, though. Go get yours and just do you.

But in the end, subscribe to this superficial and self-preserving philosophy, you'll be left by yourself, still wanting, still aching, still knowing that there's something more.

Sacrifice is much like the art of pruning a tree. You cut away branches in order for the tree to produce more fruit, more life.

Yes, the act of sacrifice cost something and is painful, but this art is not only meant for the compassionate elite, but us everyday people. Because in the end, our sacrifice will yield the fruit that our hearts are truly after.

The beauty of sacrifice--becoming the bravest of hearts.
I want a heart that is brave and free,
A heart full of colors to share, beyond my wildest dreams...

For When You Need to Remember

I love this girl with all of my heart. She constantly reminds me of how joyful love can be and the power  of being resilient. Ladies and gentleman, I introduce to you my little play sister:

Paris Carney

Trust

It's show day. I'm in the midst of a bustling production office. Big security guards are roaming the office as we speak. Big names are roaming the venue. Inside stars.

But my mind is on other matters. You probably can guess. Read a majority of my other blog posts to figure out what causes my heart to come alive.

And now, I dream some. I remember the One I have given my heart to and I trust that my dreams and desires have not gone unnoticed. I'm going to take a breather from this fun-filled entertainment night and look at something bigger than me. Outside stars.

I Thought I Was in Love, Until You Opened Your Mouth

     It's amazing to me the worlds our minds create when it comes to people and their character. Case and point: You can see a picture of beautiful person in a magazine and imagine that they sound like some sort of radio personality, with a sincere and solid, welcome hand shake, maybe even a hug if you're lucky, likes to go sailing, is a painter and a musician, tends to their garden and still has time to help foster children and feed homeless people downtown.

     Almost perfection. What an idea. What an image. Could we be in love with anything less?

     We have a hard time differentiating media adverts and its propaganda desires with our real heart's cries and hopes.

     I've been hearing people toss around the word love lately like it's going out of style. Not that I have a problem with the word love, it's just, when you use something without any sort of real thought or discernment it inevitably looses its weight and essence.

     Yes, I know that you know this already.

     But I've found recently, that I (and many of you) are not quite sure how to fall in love. We've been so enamored with the idea of love and the idea of certain people that we aren't quite sure how to let our guard down smoothly and safely.

     Don't look at me like I'm the only one.

     But there is no safe way of letting your guard down--either you do, or you don't.

     As we grow up and continue to do so, we are realizing that love is a lot more messy than one would first expect. But mostly, love is full of surprises. And that is one of my favorite characteristics of love. I am no longer drawn in by my own make-shift idea of a person, I am willing to become as real as possible in order for me to see the true person in front of me.

     So instead of me aimed and ready to judge the next possible suitor, I look intently into his eyes and listen closely between the lines. Perhaps you're not as stupid as I once thought. Perhaps I was simply impatient. No, I was right the first time.

     Nevertheless, I don't hold bitterness in my back pocket. Instead, I chuckle to myself. I think of this long and arduous love journey that has allowed me great freedom as a single woman and a great appreciator of romance, and I still hope against hope. I still believe that my one great earthly love is yet to be lived. I still believe, that I no longer have to hide. I still believe that I am beautiful. I still believe in falling...in love. And that still means something to me.

     Yes, everyday, I fall in love in different ways. Sometimes I wish it were for keeps, but then, someone opens there mouth completely, and then I'm glad it wasn't.

     The essence of love and the fight therein, brings us to a sweet humility. We long to taste the truth of everything making sense, all without our control. What rest that is for our weary and busy souls. No more climbing, no more pretending, no more striving. Just being.

     No longer practicing the art of acquiring love, but maintaining love. The fight is more like a dance. The music in true form, is time itself.

     Yes, one day, I will open my mouth, and he will get to sing into it..."Could you be loved...and be loved...and be loved...and be loved."

Would You Rather...

A once great philosopher said, "You can either be funny or you can be cool..."--Tracy Morgan.

I'd rather be funny.


But why? As I sit in a small make-shift home office/storage closet, I quickly see the humor. I'm done trying to be cool or trying to prove something. But maybe, I'm not. On the insecure radar, (which starts at 1 and goes to -10) I'm feeling a bit like -5. Not quite depressed, but enough to want to eat a couple of bars of chocolate. Somehow, tonight, I don't feel like quite enough. Although...in my mind, I process the complete opposite--"You're amazing champ". Yes, I'm a bit of a looney tune.

The quest to be cool, is much like the quest of significance and fame. It can be counter intuitive--Like the man who says he's full of humility. You and your creativity want to be seen and truly known by many, with fame. But the more fame one attains, the more estranged one can become to real and meaningful relationships and truthful interpretations of their creativity.

We all long for significance, but we also long to be remembered--A bit of legacy, if you will. For now, we may have a bit of significance, but will we truly be remembered? Relationships help to foster legacy and remembrance...The notion: "I need you to honestly remind me of who I am, when the days come that I would forget." These authentic relationship would be the ones to tell the world of who you really were and the impact you've had on their lives. And we're back to this whole idea of relationships, friendships, and community. I'm reminded of how important they are, but alas, I'm in a room by myself and I want to do a bit more self-examining.

So maybe, me trying to be funny, is me trying to be cool. Yeah, that's probably the more honest assessment. So it looks like I'm right back to where I started--Unsure and a bit insecure, but I'm pretty sure I want to be funny. It's much easier for me to do, plus it probably makes me sound more humble.

Da' Best

I wonder about the best.
It seems to be ever elusive.
I mean, each year, or even each week, it seems to get a bit ethereal...
More "Best" if you will.
The news and the media let me know continually of what is potentially better.
But I'm more interested in what is best.
Too controversial.
I guess so.
But my heart is stirred once again.
This could be the best I ever had.
But tomorrow will be sure to let me know if otherwise.

Look At Her Pirate's Tooth

There's usually a few things about our own appearance that makes us feel self conscious; causes us to not want to take pictures at a certain angle, or have people tag our photos on Facebook. It's that thing that makes us feel like we stand out from the crowd, and not in the "I feel like a celebrity" sort of way.

Okay, I'm going to be vulnerable with you. I have a pirate's tooth. If you know me, maybe you've noticed. But I doubt it. In many ways it's so inconsequential, but it feels as if it throws my whole being out of whack.

I feel as if I've lost somehow in the beauty relay race because of this apparent imperfection. I mean, who will marry me with a pirate's tooth?

I know, you're already trying to visualize what my pirate's tooth looks like, so I'll go ahead and help you. My left front tooth is slightly lower by a millimeter or so than the left front tooth. Yes, maybe even a centimeter! Ahhh!

I woke up this morning, staring at myself--no, staring at my tooth in the mirror. I actually Googled last night, "Free braces". I was so bugged by my tooth yesterday and this morning, that I felt if I could fix it, then everything else in my life would be perfect.

Isn't that just how we perceive things. As if peace of mind and true self worth and honor come simply by appearance. Yes, appearance is many times a reflection of what's going on internally, but it is by no means the full road to peace and beauty. And it would be a blatant prejudice for us to believe so.

This week, I was thinking about all of the amazing single people that I know, both men and women. Are they still single because they are flawed? Too short, too heavy, too tall, too weird....

But we are all flawed. But yet, we choose to love each other in the midst of our imperfections and in the midst of imperfect circumstances. That's where love appears to flourish...When and where we least deserve it.

Will we be brave enough to love ourselves wholly and authentically in the midst of our growing and being?

I hope so.


Many people have apparent physical handicaps, but most of us are able to hide or mask ours. What are we so afraid of?

And yet, we were Loved passionately and eternally-- I believe, before we were even born.

It truly takes such strength and courage to love and to love well. Especially to love ourselves without vanity, but with humility-- And that is something that I'm learning to do, in the midst of my pervasive pirate's tooth.

Am I not yet still lovely? Am I not yet still worthy? Am I not yet still desirable? Am I not yet still real?

A reflection of those questions lead me to something very real, something that I can begin to live out. It's difficult on my part, but I choose to say yes. And my hope, like many of yours, is that there would be voices in the shadows and valleys of life, confirming love all around me, all around us.

Could you love me, in my physical and emotional imperfections? Could I love you, in your physical and emotional imperfections? May these question soon and very soon turn into answers truly lived out in love.











So today, I guess I'll stop Googling for free braces.

But if you know of a guy, that's cheap...

House Husbands of Hollywood

How did I just watch a full out marathon of the reality show, "House Husbands of Hollywood"? By the way, which season is that show in right now? NO. Don't answer that question. If you know the answer, you're just as sick as I am.

In my defense, I had the television on as background noise and that show happened to be on. And before I knew it I was sucked in. I thought I was only in for one show, but then another came, and another, and another. I may need an intervention.

The premise of the show is simple. Men (most of them aspiring actors or out of work actors) married to women (high profile in their own careers) that are bringing home the bacon in a major way. These men stay at home, clean, take care of the kids, and make sure they complete the "Daily List" their spouses give them.

I remember the days when I would see the title of the show as I channel surfed and like a reflex, would give it the stink-eye look and keep rollin'. But yesterday, something pulled me in. I watched and listened to these men explain their lives, their frustrations, their own dreams. They were living the life, but something was still missing...


House Husband: "Smell ya, later"
Wife: "I Love You."
House Husband: "Yeah, you're right."

&**@&@!!

Why is it, that there are some people, that when they open their mouths, you've already positioned in your mind to not believe a single word they say. I mean, it's not as if they are complete liars, but something about them is a facade or not completely trustworthy. Therefore, when I'm approached by such people, many times, my internal stance is that of irritation.

But maybe they are pushing buttons in me that need to be pushed. Maybe they have truly garnered some sort of truth that I am not humble enough to receive. Or maybe they are life liars, truly incapable of being heart trustworthy and in dire need of an intervention.

I'm not so enamored with their stance, but more so my reaction. I feel the need to punch them in the face.

I know, I know. But it's true. It's one thing to lie to me, but it's another to lie to yourself and to try to make me believe your lie with you. Please don't make me do it.

Maybe you didn't know -- and I think I just realized while writing this, that we carry an intangible presence of trust with us. We can decrease the power and reality of our trust (among ourselves and people) with lies and facades or we can increase it with the power of truth and of love.

So truth and trust go hand in hand. Like two people dancing.

With that said, I guess it's time for us all to look at who we're dancing with.

I Git It From My Mama...

I just gave someone relationship advice a few days ago. And as I think of that moment, I sort of chuckle to myself. I'm not even IN a relationship right now, but somehow I feel qualified to speak romance wisdom. In fact, I've only really been in one relationship my entire life. And yet, I believe in the words that I told this young lady. I believe those words whole heartedly. And then I thought to myself...Why?

One reason being, I've already seen some of the fruit of my past romance wisdom and predictions. And yes, I've had a decent track record. But even more than that, I have watched someone very close to me walk out those weighty "theories" and glisten with patience, joy, laughter, and friendship in the midst of real relationship. So much so, that I'll, with strong conviction, risk telling someone love advice.

Sometimes we feel as if our wisdom and knowledge in regards to romance and love is being wasted because it's not being exercised on us or is not being fully experienced in our own lives as of yet. But that's simply not true. It is not wasted at all.

With the giving away of true wisdom tempered with true humility, much like love, you will reap the rewards of it....in due time and unexpected ways.

A Proclamation

I love living. I love feeling. Even when I'm irritated beyond belief, I'm thankful that I'm not yet numb. Anger arises in me when my peace is threatened, when my identity is questioned, when tenderness has loosened its grip on me. But yet, I choose to squint towards the sunlight of joy ahead.

Please do not manipulate me to feel. It only causes an arrested development in both of us. No. Instead. Grow. I too shall do the same. I will press hard and fall limp against these walls of pearl and steel. I will seek the face of the one they call Lovely. I refuse to breathe mud, I refuse to lay in the pond of reflective bitterness. But instead, I will breathe. I will live. I will love. My face still turned upward.

There are much higher places to see than this. Maybe we shall both reach them at the same time...

The Almost

How thick is the air between two people, for the kiss that almost happens?...


I had a dream last night where I kept running in and out of rooms with a variety of different people. It wasn't until halfway through the dream I began to realize that I was going through the same rooms over and over again. But the scenarios in each room had somehow changed, making it feel as though it were a different place, even though it was not. Picture never ending rooms--large rooms, like ballroom size, on a track--you know, the kind runner's use.

I wasn't running in this dream, but I was definitely walking briskly with purpose towards a certain place that I needed to get to, but then--

On my way out of this particular room, I simply went to high five him goodbye and then our hands lingered in mid-air with me still walking forward, him choosing to follow close behind. We then began walking with our two hands high in the air in a romantic and sensual like manner. If felt like our hands were dancing. And then I knew it was time for me to leave this room and say a quick goodbye to him, but I knew this goodbye wouldn't be for long.

I turn around swiftly to see his face clearly. I look intently into his eyes. My heart was pounding. Before he had been playful, but now he was kindly serious. We both stare at each other. Time stops. And everything around melts into background frequencies. He lowers his head...I breathe deeply and intently. And then...

I smile and I back away. I make an awkward body movement to break the ice, and I laugh a little bit to myself. He says nothing, but still looks at me with sincerity and passionate intention. He was where I wanted to be. But somehow, I fully turn around and then walk forward into the next room...


How thick is the air between two people, for the kiss that almost happens?...I dare say, it is much like waiting for a kiss from heaven itself, the atmosphere vibrating with a power that would rival thunder. It is fierce, it is soft, it is strong, it is rest.

The air in between...the almost kiss, has the ability to hold faith, love, expectancy, and in my case.... hope.

Male Models Make Me Queasy

I'm currently watching "Model City". Get on this wagon. I'm fascinated and repelled all at the same time. Oh, It's on "Centric"--the station that used to be called BET-J and before that it was the BET Jazz channel. Thus, they are all Black professional male models. The show chronicles their careers and personal lives amidst the backdrop of classic NYC. So of course, I'm already intrigued simply from the premise...

Anyway, I'm reflecting on how petty and superficial some of these men are. At this point, they've been groomed that way. They've been catered to in some unbelievable ways, which in turn has affected their outlook on life, their day to day lives as mini-rock stars, and their interpersonal skills. On the show, there are some strong personalities that help to drive the story (What would a good reality show be without them?); and it's because of these strong characters that I'm able to reflect more deeply and intently on issues like identity, beauty, and maturity.

It just amazing to me how we treat and are affected by people simply because of their beauty. It's astounding really, when you think of it. It truly begins to sink in when we hear one of the more intelligent male model's response. He is fully aware of how ridiculous and amazing his way of making an obscene amount of money appears. He also comments on how people treat him and his peers differently simply because they're beautiful, and yes, you better believe these boys know that they are.

I'm no exception to the rule. I respond to beauty just as strongly as the next person. But I hope that I've learned that beauty in itself is not the "end" it's simply the beginnings of a greater beauty and discovery beyond. Much like saying, what we see is temporal--but what we cannot see, is eternal.

The depths of beauty makes me smile. Exaggerated beauty makes me a little nervous. And self-important beauty makes me queasy.

Ladies, Be Aware of Your Surroundings

I recently heard a tragic story of how a woman was in her own backyard doing the peaceful and relaxing art of gardening. While her back was turned, a strange man walked right into her home, behind her back and killed her husband. This all happened as the woman was unaware in her garden. And when the woman finally came back into her house, the perpetrator kidnapped her. In a miraculous flow of events, she later escaped from her kidnapper's home and lives to tell the story.

There is so much that we do not become aware of when we are in our day to day lives. Translate that fact into our emotional and spiritual lives, there is so much that we can be unaware of trying to circle us or choke us out. But now is the time to awaken. To be aware.

Even if we are caught in the storm or kidnapped by hopelessness, the light has not stopped shining. In many cases, we may have been unaware of our training (from the past) to overcome. Much like the Karate Kid himself, who saw no purpose in "waxing" a car. But those movements would later prove vital and beneficial in an arena of challenge.

Be aware. Not just of everyone else and their flaws. But be aware of yourself and your own surroundings. What are you gleaning and learning? What wisdom is being imparted. Do you even know? Do you care to? Maybe you don't. But I can almost guarantee that there will be a moment in this life where your present condition or observations will give strength to something within you that will need to arise in order to overcome the tallest of obstacles and what would even appear as ultimate defeat. Your strength is being formed now.

Many of us learned to be aware and maybe even a bit suspicious of our surroundings at a young age ("Stranger Danger", etc.). Growing up with an aunt who worked for the Criminal Justice Department in New York and a father connected to the government, since the age of 5, I've had to be aware of my own surroundings in an heightened way. The pendulum was so far in one direction that I had to learn to trust people and truly become vulnerable instead of thinking everyone was out to harm me.

Nevertheless, I am always observing. Always listening. I know that the game can change at any moment, and I'm okay with that. My ultimate trust isn't in my own ability to control every circumstance or to avert every single bad thing from happening. I now trust that God will cover and fill in the areas that are needed. For the light that shines ever so brightly is not my own, for I am but a reflector of what I am looking at.

But now I am being aware in faith and not in fear. Learning more and more of what it means to watch and pray.


And to you, especially the ladies, please be aware of your surroundings. Because in such surroundings, there may be an opportunity to help, to fight, to pray, or to grow.

But Rock Me Gently

I need to slow down. I mean seriously. Why am I rushing?

And then, in the midst of my haste, I make rash decisions and partake of the cup of rash emotions.

These are the times when I dream of someone rocking me gently.

I've learned that facades are far more prevalent and closer to home than we'd like to imagine. I've also learned that miracles are only a mere suddenly away.

The discomfort of the waiting. That is why I squirm. But at least I've learned that redemption is never too far behind.

Meanie, God Help Your Husband

Today I've been laughing at the most odd things. One being the truth and bite of my stares, looks, sarcasm, humor, and attitude. Wow, all this time I've been picturing myself as the gentile sassy girl. But no, it seems I'm more like the wicked witch of the west. And not in the, sing-a-song-on-Broadway, type of witch. No. Just the one you might be scared of.

But then I think. We as women have that nasty side. I mean, we have to be careful. We can cut someone faster than a chef with a good knife.

During the holidays, there was this slight frustration rising up within me. It was a deep sense of agitation. It comes and goes. And no, it wasn't that special time of the month. I was simply trying to reconcile those things of which I dreamed of and my current state of mediocrity. Oh yes, out of the abundance of the heart, your big mouth will speak. Like it or not. Unless you're the "I keep it all inside, only to grow a watermelon sized ulcer" type of person. But for the most part, we're so good at self promoting. I mean, look at me. I'm writing this blog in hopes that you'll read it and "see me". And of course, how could I leave out the ever so infamous Facebook Status Updates. See me. See me now.

But what am I really saying? Am I addressing the issues that have gotten me all irate. Or am I simply talking about it?

I digress.

So, I get into this conversation with my parents about my future husband. They both have theories. Amidst all of the dreams and prophetic words that sound like butter, they hammer home the fact that I'm somewhat mean and hard to live with and my husband will have to be a patient and strong man. What? Really. Have I been looking at the wrong personality mirror all these years? Perhaps. But then I also counter this talk with the fact that they are my parents and they were destined to get on my nerves at least 12 hours of a 24 hour day. Thus bringing out my attitude.

But then I got reflective. Why is that we act the ugliest towards the ones that are closest to us or those we want to love the most. Is it simply that we knowingly take these people for granted? And in regards to family...Do we not know how to love someone that has taken care of us long before we could use the bathroom by ourselves? Are we constantly trying to prove something to them...thus allowing pride to be our guide instead of love. Or are we just mean?

We want people to give us grace for our mishaps and flaws (character or otherwise), but we have such a hard time extending them towards others or to those that have tried to love us first--Before we were popular, before we got a degree, before we had life revelations, before we hung out with celebrities, and before we were grown ups. And yet our attitudes and love are hindered in some sort of arrested development with our families and those closest to us.

Truly, I don't want my heart to be hindered in any way. I want my actions to fully reflect love. Not just some of the time. But definitely most of the time. And ideally, all of the time.

I laugh sometimes at the disconnect I have from what I perceive is true about myself versus what is really going on with me. You know the feeling. It's like looking at a picture of yourself from 5-10 years ago and feeling completely different about the person you're looking at in the picture. Your thoughts come from a different perspective, a more mature and higher view of things. You realize the way that you had perceived yourself then may not have truly lined up with reality...which, in turn, may be good or bad.

All to say, I want to be able to look at a picture of myself from 2010 and not see a trace of resentment, bitterness, or anger. But I want to see the face of a woman well loved and who loved well.

A process I hope to be growing in.


That being said...maybe, just maybe, the next time I see you, I won't shank you with my death stare and vocal tone.