The Unfortunate Way I Feel About Myself Today

     

   
     Do you ever cringe in embarrassment over your past actions? Otherwise known as regret.

     I know it's hip and famous to claim that one never feels regret over past actions, because of course, it's these actions that cause us to grow, to mature, to become better human beings in the end, if we let them.

     But today, I was acting like Lot's wife. I looked back, because I felt as though I had missed something, that I was missing out.

     Isn't that always the fear, the struggle and the fight--that we've somehow missed out on the party, the invitation, the inside scoop and have been relegated to being an outsider once again.

     I came across this line on Twitter yesterday: "It's sad we live in a world where people are happily surprised when you hold the door for them... Shows people don't do it nearly enough."

     And then I realized how I had been cheating myself.

     I had somehow began viewing myself as 'less than' and excused the half baked intentions of non-fully committed men.

     I had gotten so excited over the menial displays of interest from specific men over the last few months, that I had also mistaken these notions for some sort of true chivalrous act.

     I looked back.

     And I started to cringe in my soul.

     Why are we drawn back to those things that were only ever a good 60%, instead of facing forward and ready to receive the 100% ahead.

     And then I think to myself, "Why didn't he just ask me out?"

     And another resounding answer comes back like a boomerang hitting me upside the head,

     "Because he didn't want to."

     And I look back at that 60% as if it were the only thing I would ever have. And then I somehow feel horrible for ever letting it go.

     It's an unfortunate way to feel.

Wisdom's Knocking:

“Go back?" he thought. "No good at all! 

Go sideways? Impossible! 

Go forward? Only thing to do! On we go!" 

So up he got, and trotted along with his little sword held in front of him 

and one hand feeling the wall, 

and his heart all of a patter and a pitter.”

 ― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit

Twitter Quote by: Rich Green