What did my prayer time look like after I had this revelation of the pain left in my heart because of Jealousy and Contempt? The only way I can describe it is as though someone had washed my heart in liquid love. It felt like peace and joy and love all mixed together. It felt like coming home. And God was there to meet me. I didn't feel less than or ashamed, I felt affirmed and loved. I'm telling you, God is a lot kinder than you think.
Immediately after holding this experience. I was put into a scenario where I could have easily compared myself and my shortcomings to the heights and beauty of others. I was surrounded by amazing beauty and talent. I should have gotten lost in the shuffle. I should have been a bit jealous.
But somehow, I was called out. And in the midst of thousands, I was called "Beautiful."
I've been called beautiful before, but this time, I was able to rest in it, in a completely different way. Free of Jealousy and Contempt.
And as I rested in this truth of who I was and am, I was hit with a sharp, fiery arrow. Of course. When else would an arrow strike.
That's when I found out that my "Admiration/Crush", was nothing more than a mirage. And I had almost played myself by falling for this individual out of turn. It was not my time or my turn, but another's. And she had captured his heart.
Now how would I deal with such disappointment. And what would my attitude be towards him and her? Would I show face? And reignite my covenant with Jealousy or would I jump off of a proverbial cliff with middle fingers in the air, since this has happened to me more times than I'd like to admit. Or...
But the Kindness of the Lord had led me to Proverbs, weeks prior, for such a time as this.
I put down my anger. And upheld my tenderness.
And God came to my rescue.
It's always the emotional battles that seem the most fierce to me. And it's nothing short of a miracle, when God calms me down emotionally. And He did this--Calmed me down. Again and again in these last few weeks. Often through random people who had a kind word to say to me, friends of mine that just happened to call me, and others that just felt the need to give me a hug. Yes. He was there.
And now somehow, my cup is full. And it is now beginning to run over.
And yes, once again, with heart and arms wide open, I am ready to love.