I've Chosen You

     Photo Credit: Paris Garbowsky

     It's about to get real. The holidays are coming. And for many, it's a time of pain and disappointment.

     But I feel like it's of the utmost importance to let you know, and to remind myself that we have not been forgotten.

     Through the battles and the wars, the pain and the tears, you've never been invisible. Your hustle has not gone unnoticed. But know this, your hustle does not completely define you.

     If you look to your hustle to completely define you, you'll be left wanting. Because a hustle in itself cannot bring fulfillment, cannot bring peace to your soul,  and cannot usher in love to your heart.

     What you need is something that you could not have fully worked for on your own. A Love that has Chosen you first, before you even gave a second thought towards it. A Love that propels you forward in all things. Motivating you beyond your own efforts and limitations. Bringing meaning and purpose to the hustle.

     I'm challenged this holiday season more than ever to take time just being with God. No agendas other than being loved.

     To my blog readers, you've been with me throughout the crushing blows of defeat and the pinnacles of hope freshly envisioned for my 2012. In many ways I still feel like I'm grasping for straws. But it has been your prayers, your love, and your encouragement, that has given me the courage to not give up just yet.

     As I type this, tears are welling up in my eyes. I'm so blessed to know that many of you have found encouragement and wisdom in this little blog. We've definitely been on this journey together. And I'm so thankful for you.

     Sometimes we are shy or even ashamed to admit how much we need love.  I know I was, before starting this blog. But the truth is, we were made to be loved, fully and completely. And now the overriding theme of this blog has basically become how love or the lack of love motivates and propels just about everything we do. Even how we put wisdom into practice.

    And now, I simply want to hold your face with both of my hands, with tenderness and love, look you in the eyes, and tell you with all my being and with all sincerity,

     You are loved, you are seen, and you are chosen.

Wisdom's Knocking:

"Weeping may endure for a night...but joy comes in the morning."

-Psalm 30:5

Full Figured

Photo Credit: Lindsay Coleman

     I'm so angry I could spit.

     I just got word, that one of my close lady friends just got the run around from one of our guy friends. He decided to pursue her, woo her, said sweet nothings in her ear, and basically wanted to make an honest woman of her.

     Then Cut To:

     He gets scared. He tells her that he's not attracted to her... Enough. And that's the only reason why he can't move forward with the relationship.

     What the f...

     Then why did you even toy with her emotions like this in the first place? Selfish.

     This could have been easily forgivable if he hadn't told her this multiple times throughout their friendship...yes, we are talking years and years and years of this "almost pursuit" and then he drops his infamous bomb. The sentiment and exact words being, "I want you, but I don't want you. You're just not pretty enough."

      Let me go find my nutcracker.

     I digress.

     Needless to say, my lady friend has walked through this all with grace and wisdom. Even when our guy friend was promising her the world and a future, something within her heart was simply saying "Let's go slow, and wait and see..." ...And then the truth surfaced. As it always tends to do.

     Now she has chosen to completely cut ties with him for good. Yes. Wise decision. She'll have to stay strong though, because in 6 months, I have a feeling he'll try to come crawling back with apologies, sweet talk, and the like.

     All in all, I'm pretty sure I'm more mad than she is. But I'm no fool. I know she's hurting and reeling from disappointment more than she'd like to.

     We as human beings crave true connection and intimacy more than anything else. What happens when that connection and intimacy comes in a package you weren't expecting? Will you still be grown-up enough to receive it? (Please believe. I'm preaching to myself here, too...)

     Are there still men out there who appreciate a woman with real womanly curves? Or am I living in some weird make believe world in my head?

     I understand that many people have their "preference".  I too had my preference back in the day. It was pretty simple, you needed to be Latino or Olive-Toned in some way shape or form...Puerto Rican, Cuban, Spanish, Brazilian, Italian, Israeli, etc. If you did not possess that particular ethnic background, I would not even consider looking at you in a romantic way. It just was not going to happen.

     But then somehow along the way, I found interesting connections (albeit, friendly) with guys that weren't any of those. I know. Shocking.

     In my circle of friends, most all would say that I only love skinny White guys, now. That's mostly true, but not entirely true. I simply love guys that get me and my quirkiness. I love and admire guys that live a certain lifestyle (I'm not talking monetarily here). And yes, many of those guys happen to be White. Which is interesting to me now, because of my previous Latino preferences, of whom I thought I was only attracted to. But needless to say, these days, I'm much more open.

     I'm not asking us to not be attracted to who we choose to be in a romantic relationship with. Attraction is a very important part of a relationship, it's just not the only component of a healthy and vibrant relationship.

     I'm just saying, if there's a spark of connection between you and someone else...recognize it.

     Don't cover it up. Don't try to pretend you didn't feel it or experience it--simply because the person that it came from surprised you or didn't fit your usual type. Because chances are, they felt it too.

     Only when you admit that there was a spark, can the true adventure begin. And truth be told, I think you'll enjoy what's on the other side. But here's the secret....In order to get to the other side...You'll have to be BRAVE.

     Man up. Woman up.

     Everyone may not be on board with your decision at first, and that's okay. They'll probably be more shocked than anything. They'll come around. Especially once they see the fruit of real love (not merely lust) emerging.

     But if you chose to ignore the spark (Or oddly abuse the spark for manipulation purposes) you'll never know what could have been...

----

     I love my figure. I love my shape. I love my...

     But more than that, I'm more convinced than ever that you and I have something extraordinary to bring to the table. Something that no one else can bring to a relationship.

     And when you connect with another person that recognizes that and gets you and chooses to be wholeheartedly brave. Oh, baby. That is truly magic, truly something special, truly Divine.



     Full figured or not.

Wisdom's Knocking:

"God said, “It’s not good for the Man to be alone; I’ll make him a helper, a companion.”

So God formed from the dirt of the ground all the animals of the field and all the birds of the air. He brought them to the Man to see what he would name them. Whatever the Man called each living creature, that was its name. The Man named the cattle, named the birds of the air, named the wild animals; but he didn’t find a suitable companion.

 God put the Man into a deep sleep. As he slept he removed one of his ribs and replaced it with flesh. God then used the rib that he had taken from the Man to make Woman and presented her to the Man.

The Man said, “Finally! Bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh! Name her Woman for she was made from Man.” Therefore a man leaves his father and mother and embraces his wife. They become one flesh. The two of them, the Man and his Wife, were naked, but they felt no shame."

-Genesis 2:18-25

I Didn't Want to Publish This...

Photo Credit: Denise Valle

Because then, I'm forced to remember.

We had a great time. It was nothing but friendly and sweet.

And then came time for our goodbyes.

In my mind, I'm thinking..."Just give me a fake hug, just give me a fake hug...And I'll be on my way..."

But no. It was like some weird magnet forced our bodies together into a proper embrace.

Uh. Oh.

It was snuggly. Just what I had been craving...almost all my life.

Shoot.

And then I felt a hand cup the back of my head.

Wait. What.

That's not part of a normal hug, fool.

I'm about to throw a flag down on this play.

The hand gently comes down.

Ok. That's better.

And then the hand comes back up again. And holds the back of my head with a bit of passion and intensity.

I'm sorry what.

No sir. You can't just spring those moves on people. Didn't your mama tell you these rules?

We unlock.

And I'm a bit stunned. He says some gibberish.

And I try not to drool on myself.

Well played, sir. Well played.

Now I'm trying to figure out middle names for our future babies.

Wisdom's Knocking: 

 "Oh, let me warn you, sisters in Jerusalem, by the gazelles, yes, by all the wild deer: Don’t excite love, don’t stir it up, until the time is ripe—and you’re ready." - Song of Solomon 2:7 

My Reasons for Running

Photo Credit: Natalie Drummond

I was running so fast.

So far.

It didn't even matter where I was going.

I was just running.

I didn't want to think about it. Think about you. Think about the us that never happened.

So I kept running.

And then I had to stop.

And the pain flooded.

It washed over me.

And somehow cleansed me.

And now,  I'm ready to run.

But for different reasons.

Can I Take You Home and Marry You?

Photo Credit: Jennifer Glasgow

I often wonder... 

Would I recognize you if you were right in front of my face? 

Would I have the courage to say yes to you if you asked me?

     Last month, I was minding my own business. I was just living life.

     My mom and I popped into one of our favorite joints, "Coco's Bakery Restaurant".

     Nothing was too out of the ordinary, except for the fact that I was wearing a dress. Nothing special. Just a dress.

     My mom and I were just about finished with our meal, when two men arrived and were seated right behind my mom.

     They seemed normal enough, but I could tell, one kept trying to catch glimpses of my table every few minutes. But I carried on my conversation and quality time with my mom as if I hadn't noticed the stares at all.

     And then finally, mom and I were done with our meal and our girl talk. Mom had to go freshen up in the bathroom before we were meant to leave.

     I felt a little bit nervous. Because I knew...as soon as she was out of sight...

    --The man that had been staring at my table in a non-stealthy way, jumped up from his meal and walked up to me, before I could run away.

     "Excuse me--Excuse me--"

     I simply respond with a gentle, "Hi."

     "Are you married??...."

     I grin. "No. I'm not."

     "Do you have a boyfriend?..."

     I keep smiling. "No. I don't."

     "Well...can I take you home and marry you?"

     My smile becomes a look of amusement.

     "Um. Wow. Um. No. I'm so sorry. (Note: I always feel like apologizing when I turn someone down...I understand the risk they just took...and I respect their hustle, their courage to approach and put it all out there--) I actually have to go. But that was incredibly sweet. Thank you so much.

     "But seriously. Can I take you home and marry you?"


     And now, I gracefully try to back out of this encounter.

     No need.

     Mom has begun to arrive back on the scene.

     "But can I get your number?..."

     "No...I'm sooo sorry..."

     He looks disappointed. Gives me a sad smile and sits back down with his friend at the table.

     My mom caught the end of that interaction.

     She just gives me this look that says..."Mmmhmm. You get it from your mama..."


     But then I start thinking, what made me turn him down immediately, without even giving him a true shot. I often talk about how I simply want to be pursued. But pursuit means nothing when passion can't be matched by my own feelings.

     I mean, if I'm gonna get real...honestly speaking, someone else was occupying my heart at the time. No, not a boyfriend. But someone...

     And when I have someone in mind, someone on my heart, no one else--no matter how good looking and eloquent they are stands a chance.

     But the day wasn't over.

     That same day. Someone that I had worked with weeks ago, texts me out of the blue.

     "I want to take you to dinner..."

     What the what.

     I am not lying when I tell you, I have not had a man act so romantically intentional towards me in such a gentleman-like way in close to 7 years. Serious.

     And so...I did something I haven't done in close to 7 years.

     I said yes....

     Was my heart still occupied by another?

     Yes.

     But this "other" was occupied with many others, and not yet ready to grow up.

     And I've fostered way too many faux dating relationships with guy friends in the past, that never had any intentions of loving me whole-heartedly.

---

     So that day,  I chose to be open.

     And so I said yes, to this guy. We haven't yet had our date. I'll let you know if and when we actually do. He's currently traveling with work, but when we are both in the same city, we'll try and make something happen.

     The idea of putting myself out there towards someone I'm not completely feeling a connection to, feels a bit exhausting.  That's why I chose not to in the past. But this time, I just choose to surrender again.

     And yes, I do feel a little bit weary. It's been harder than I thought to hope again.

     But it's not impossible.

     I don't know if I've made all the wisest decisions in 2012. In fact, I know I haven't. But the grace and love of God is...and has proven to be...Beyond.

     It's beyond anything I could have ever hoped for or imagine. And continues to meet me in this place of waiting.

     The literal dream I had of my mystery man still lingers in the atmosphere above my head. And I wonder...has he dreamed of me as well?...Is he right around the corner or already in my life? Is he full of love right now or is he stuck in a cycle of pain and hurt?

     Time will tell.

     Things are not always as they seem.

     The prelude is now giving way to the full story. And in the midst...

I often wonder...

Would I recognize you if you were right in front of my face?

Would I have the courage to say yes to you if you asked me?

Wisdom's Knocking:

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight." -Proverbs 3:5-6