Tomboy Princess

     

     Growing up, I've always been the girl to rock jeans, a t-shirt and a fresh pair of hard to find kicks. Any sort of rugged urban street wear, I'd love to wear it. I look back at my junior high and high school pictures, and I was about that flannel and jean life. I wasn't trying to make any sort of statement at the time, but in retrospect I see, that quite the proclamation was being made.

     There's something to be said about puberty, and how awkward your own body appears to you in the mirror during that stage of life. Much of our teen years and early 20s are more about hiding our insecure body parts, rather than celebrating them with a fashionable expression.

     Now, it wasn't like I only owned sneakers, flannels, and t-shirts. I had a couple of dresses, skirts, and the like, but not many articles of clothing that screamed femininity.

     Nevertheless, I was an eclectic teenager to say the least. I definitely marched to the beat of my own drum regarding fashion in my early years, and honestly, I think I still do now.

     But I realize in many ways, while growing up, I was afraid to embrace my true femininity.

     I think I was afraid of the vulnerability that comes along with such power.  Being afraid of my femininity, my hips, my shape, my legs, my arms, my emotions--and not just fearful of exposing them, but truly embracing them all as beautiful.

     I feared my femininity in full bloom.

     In the undercurrent of my thoughts, I somehow felt that if I gave in completely and wholly to my femininity I would be taken advantage of somehow.  I had seen it and heard it happen to so many beautiful and feminine girls.

     And I thought, remaining powerful, meant remaining feminine-less. Oh, that's not a word? That's okay. Let's just keep going.

     And somehow I equated femininity with weakness. Much like people mistake kindness and gentleness for weakness. #Dontsleep

     Never considering the other factors these young girls and women struggled with regarding bad habits, bad choices, unhealthy lifestyles, lack of personal boundaries with people, or them just simply encountering mean, controlling folks, etc.

     With this understanding that came much later, I began to see the struggle to live a powerful life wasn't birthed from their femininity alone, but rather their identity as a whole and the resilience or lack thereof that they were intentional about walking in.

    Needless to say, it wasn't until my later 20s that I begin to settle into the beauty and power of my own femininity.

   One of my best friends is a fashion stylist and she affectionately calls my style: "Boho Woo{dsy} Chic"

     Yes, I still love my flannels, jeans, and sneakers, but my love for all things flowy, bohemian, and eclectic has now taken root in my everyday perspective.

    As a woman in waiting it's become more and more exciting to see the ways in which I continue to mature, grow, and blossom into the very someone I love becoming.

     Being adventurous doesn't always mean traveling half way around the world or jumping out of an airplane.  Sometimes being adventurous is simply embracing the hidden and often neglected facets of who God truly created you to be.

     Becoming who you are--that is truly adventurous.

Wisdom's Knocking: 

“I want to help you to grow as beautiful as God meant you to be
when He thought of you first.”

- George MacDonald

To My Babies

You light up my life with songs of bold hope and heavenly declaration.

And you are truly the joy of your father's life.

I want you to be strong. To know that you are loved.

I want you to know that anything, absolutely anything is possible with God.

Don't listen to the rest of the world, when they deter you from walking...from running...from soaring.

And although, you're not yet here on this planet, I'm already so proud of you, and my heart is full of such love for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms, to hear your laughs, and to wipe away tears that will give way to better stories and redemption.

And in exchange, I'll share with you my portion of love that Christ has so freely offered me. And the stories that He has given me.

The stories of seeing my first shooting star, trips around the world, my Zambian name, surviving a bombing, and the miracle of meeting your father.

Wisdom's Knocking:

"It's easier to build strong children than repair broken men."

-Frederick Douglass

I Liked Him

And you see this person who is beautiful. They take your breath away. There is daylight boasting in each one of their eyes. And for a moment you can envision something beyond the droll of your daily Winter routine. You were suffocating any way, just waiting for Spring to come along, someone to change it all.

You study them from afar, and you gather more intel proving that this person is celestial at worst, and yours at best.

You've never witnessed something so alluring, so prepossessing.

And then there's a mystical moment of recognition.

They smile at you.

You just can't believe your luck.

And now, all you want to be is theirs.

You've waited and you've searched.

Because something about them doesn't feel like an apartment. Something about them feels like home.

The consuming begins. Of which you hope leads to a full consummation on every level.

Thoughts and planning race through your mind.

And now you start hoping. Now you start praying.

It's taken a while for you to trust that the universe doesn't hate you, that God hasn't forgotten about you, because standing in front of you now is a miracle.

Months ago, you never even knew this person existed on the planet.

And with a mixture of disdain and bewilderment, you wonder how you've been living your whole life without such knowledge of the holy this entire time?

Because now you can believe in God again, after seeing such an engaging creature exist.

They are beautiful indeed.

And then comes the howling blow and battle of time.

The push and pull, the tension of waiting.

And trying to connect with this mysterious person is elusive, like trying to build a castle out of dry sand.

And then you begin to see the world of this person orbiting around a new planet.

And it becomes painfully clear they will never be yours to keep.

And you release them back to the daylight from which they came.

Grateful that you witnessed a miracle, just a bit sore that it couldn't be yours.

Wisdom's Knocking:

The question won't be if they are amazing. 

They probably will be. 

But will they be amazing for (and with) you--

That is the deciding factor.

Cling To

     

     You find out what you're really made of when there's a significant earthquake in the darkness of morning, whilst you're still in bed.

***

     I'm actually that weirdo who loves earthquakes.

     The sensation and reminder that I'm not in as much control as I'd like to think I'm in somehow reassures me. And in the midst of these ground shaking phenomenons I feel a boat load of peace. I can't fully explain it, but I just do. I feel an inner calm and peace in the midst of the ground shaking and the walls wavering back and forth.

     I've been in a variety of settings when significantly sized earthquakes have occurred. One time I was at school, another time a retreat, once on the road, and quite a few times at home.

     And in all these instances, I just felt like I was riding the wave.

     But this past Monday, around 6:15A.M., something unusual happened. About 10 minutes before the earthquake happened, I opened my eyes out of a dead sleep. I rustled about in my bed, couldn't quite get comfortable and tried to wait until the early morning sounds of Monday morning died down. No sooner did I roll over and try once again to go back to sleep, that a deep rumbling started to penetrate the walls of the entire house. 

    I was startled. Perplexed at first, because I was still semi-sleepy and didn't know if I was in that almost-dream state.

     And then the rumbling intensified dramatically and I could hear things in my bathroom falling down. 

     That's when things seemed to play out in slow motion for me. 

     It's dark, so you don't quite have your bearings. 

     "Jesus. Jesus." It was a prayer and a means to calm my own heart down--to bring some familiarity into the situation.

     And you want to reach your arms out like someone who's beginning to drown. 

    You want to try and hold the walls up.

    And at the same time, you want to cling to your pillow and just ride it out. 

    "Doorway."

    And then, like a reflex, I remembered that I needed to get out of bed and go to the closest doorway.

    And as mysteriously and quickly as the earthquake began, it stopped.

    "Are you okay?!"

     The voice of my roommate.

     And we were.

     Just shaky. Which was new for me.

     I've always felt like Indiana Jones during an earthquake in the past, but this time, I felt more like, "Willie Scott".

     But the shaking was now over, and it was time to lay back down and sleep. Or at least try to.

    But I couldn't really fall back asleep. Instead I was oddly tense and fervently waiting for the aftershock (which did come eventually and gently shook my entire bed).

     Moments passed, I dozed off for a few minutes at a time, but eventually I decided to start the day much earlier than planned. 

     This is what happens when you're shaken awake.

     And yet, somehow, I felt like this earthquake was mercy.

     No this wasn't the "Big One" by any means (Geologists say that we in Southern California have a 99% chance of having a catastrophic earthquake in the next 30 years.), the earthquake I experienced was actually quite small (4.4) for Southern Californian standards, but somehow this quake gave the illusion of a 5.0 -- Perhaps because of how shallow the quake actually was--meaning 6 miles below the earth's surface, instead of further down.

     Nevertheless, it suggested that we be prepared, reminded, and grateful everyday of the opportunities and time that we've been afforded thus far.

     And yes, since I was and am a Girl Scout (I mean, does one ever really retire from being a Girl Scout. #Nope). And our motto is, "Be Prepared", just know that all of my survival kit items have now been updated, including our emergency evacuation strategies. #Dontsleep

     In my quiet time with God this morning, I was rereading a famous passage: John 3:16

     In this translation, certain words were better expanded upon to give a richer meaning of the text.

     Which led me to think:

     What have we been clinging to in our lives thus far?

     Something solid, something meaningful, something lasting, something true?

     I was so gently reminded this morning that God knows that we often flail about with our arms in the air needing something and someone to cling to. And He, in such profound love and grace, so freely offers Himself to be our ultimate Anchor. 

Wisdom's Knocking:

"For God so greatly loved and dearly prized the world that He [even] gave up His only begotten ([a]unique) Son, so that whoever believes in (trusts in, clings to, relies on) Him shall not perish (come to destruction, be lost) but have eternal (everlasting) life."

- John 3:16 (Amplified Translation)

Walk It Out

     

     Recently, I drove to my nearest hiking trail, took a good book with me, and rested in the trail's beginning point, basking in the heated sunlight.

     I didn't actually plan on walking at all, I simply wanted to be outdoors, in nature, reading a book.

     It's sometimes so beneficial to solely take the time.

     Earlier, I thought my day was going to be full of people, small talk, and racing all around town. But God had other plans.

     I needed to get still.

     It's one of my favorite things to do. To be outside in nature, whether it's a desert landscape like my hometown, or a faintly green hillside in the valleys of Southern California. It's so nice to breath air outside the four walls of the caves we cling to.

     And so, I sat down with my good book.

     I also had a prime view of all the new visitors intently making their way into the trail. Some were men with neon biker shorts, playing Kelly Clarkson, from their armband music player, others were ladies with softly shaped baseball caps and water bottles in hand, Some were with friends. And some were families with kids.

     I thought to myself, how precious is this? That these families are taking the time to simply be with their young kids, while they're still young.

     This one father was with his two younger boys. They looked to be about 6 and 10 years old. The boys both had walking sticks with them, and the dad had a backpack on.

     I couldn't quite hear the conversation happening between the three of them. But the boys seemed to be in heaven, while they jumped around and tried to use their walking sticks as swords. The dad was peaceful and happy. He was the sun in the story. And the boys orbited around him effortlessly as they continuously walked forward on the trail.

     It was such a beautiful picture.

     But everyone, even the friends, the families, those walking alone, or in packs--they all had a hurried walk about them. Much like the walkers you see in New York City. There was a deep sense of focused purpose, while walking towards the trail.

     It was an odd cocktail,  a sense of anticipation mixed with irritation and subtle intensity.

     And as I sat there with my book, the sunlight began to clear my eyes. And about an hour later, I would begin to see the same people I saw arrive, now beginning to exit.

     And it was like a night and day vision.

     The intensity, the irritability and the agitation that had cloaked them, had somehow disintegrated.

     The anticipation was still there in their eyes but with a calm sense of reverence about them.

     It was clear.

     They had been readjusted.

     Looking at and breathing in things that are larger than you, changes you.

     The funny thing is, I don't know how aware these people were of their own transformation.

     But they gave me a clue into my own.

     I realized that my own body was feeling relaxed, as if I had had a massage in the realm of my emotions. Upon arriving at the trail, I honestly didn't know how tense I was.

     Before coming, I'd simply thought it was a good idea to get some sunlight and a bit of reading done. But it became clear, I had also been worried about a few things.  And now, sitting at the trail an hour later, I was no longer consumed with how these things would be resolved, but had peace that they would be.

     I love that God has a way of calming us down.

     Especially through nature.

     There's probably a park, a trail, or even just a road slightly outside of your city limits that leads to wide open spaces. I encourage you to visit one of them this week.

      Sometimes a change of scenery helps to change and reset our perspective and open our hearts for the good things God wants to give us.

Wisdom's Knocking: 

And He [Jesus] arose, and rebuked the wind and said unto the sea, 

“Peace, be still.” 

And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm.

- Mark 4:39

The Structure of Fun

     I know that we as single people have something that our lovely in-relationship folks don't have: Time.

     Sure, the different groups both have 24 hours in the day, but these hours are extraordinarily different for the single person vs. the person who is married vs. the person who has kids vs. the person who just fell in love.

     As single people we often have something I like to call, a trap or a treasure, or in other words: Free Time.

     It's this free time that can become dangerous. And before you know it, you find yourself spiraling and eating whole boxes of graham crackers, baking brownies, and dump cakes all in the same day and still not getting your laundry done or paying your bills on time.

     Now I'm a free bird. In almost every sense of the word and I don't like feeling caged in, or subjected to things I have.to.do.

     And in these past weeks having a break from my television work, I let myself roam free. Because what better way to exercise this freedom, than to have an open day schedule. I'm free like that.

     And so I tell myself casually, I have this, that, and the other to do tomorrow in the midst of my fun and relaxing day. Only to get to that lovely tomorrow, and get sidetracked at 10AM by my last email that took me to Pinterest at 10:30AM, which then led me to a picture of New Zealand.  And by 12 noon, of course I need to plan a trip there. So I start researching plane tickets and tours.

     And then somehow it's 1PM. And that didn't get done, nor did this. Plus, now I'm kind of hungry, but I need to write or do something fun. Yeah, something more fun than writing right now. Let's catch up on some of my favorite TV shows like "Suits" or "Psych". And I'm 20 minutes in, and I hear this cool song playing in the background in one of the scenes. I immediately pause the episode, get on Google and research the song. And since I'm online, I should probably check my email again...

     And now it's 3PM. I finally decide to eat. Something low key. Brownies, of course.

     While eating my nutritious meal, I wonder if I can catch the tale end of "The Steve Harvey" show. I love that show. His producers are fantastic. Have you seen his show? The segments they come up with are Brilliant. And then I think, Oh,  how I love funny guys; and how I wish that I could a marry a funny guy one day.

     And then I think about how I want to be in love.  It's now 5PM. I decide to sweep the kitchen and wash dishes to get my mind off of this revelation. I also want to show myself I have some bit of productivity accomplished by the end of the day.

    Afterwards, once again,  I think about how I'm not in love, and how I didn't get an invitation to Charlie and Susie's wedding last year. I decide it's a good time to write, to write about how I feel about that. It's now 7PM.

     Post is done, it's now 9PM. I'm exhausted.

     From doing basically nothing all day.

    Because the focus of the day, my casual goals of: This, that, and the other never got accomplished, at least not fully.

     And yet, my mind was still racing, and my body still felt oddly tense. This freedom was killing me. My day was neither fully fun nor relaxing.

     Isn't it interesting that freedom, to be truly enjoyed needs some type of boundary.

     Well I learned the hard way.

     After listening to "Lucille's Life Class" (Also known as: Talking to my mom on the phone), It became ever so clear that the same routine I began to implement while working from home for weeks at a time, was the same type of structure I needed to maintain for my relaxed fun and free days.

     But instead, it would be a "Relaxed Routine". Same exact structure premise, just a different name to help throw my brain into "Calm the freak down" mode.

     And sure 'nuff, can I just tell you that I accomplished this, that, and the other regarding my fun and free objectives and had time to spare. And at the end of the day, I felt at ease, grateful, accomplished, and excited for the next day.

     And time had once again become a treasure, rather than a trap.

Here Are 3 Nuggets to Help You Turn Your Time into Treasure Instead of a Trap:

1. It's best to do 4-5 grown folk intervals in a day. What are grown folk intervals They are what I like to call 90 minute time frames or windows. 

Plan to do a major task, and that task alone for 90 minutes. Then take a 30-60 minute break before you begin the next block. This even applies to housekeeping work, bills, rest, meetings, etc. 

2. Disable unnecessary social media notifications from your phone and only check email once every 2-4 hours.  

If your in my industry, of Hollywood entertainment, I know your mouth is on the floor right now. Because we have to basically respond to emails before you send them to us. 

But I've learned, that people will take over whatever time you hand over to them. But if you learn to manage your time consistently with a good work ethic, this is not an impossible thing-- to not check your social media and email every 5 minutes.  

Meanwhile, look up and talk to a real live person, or start working on those things that matter to your heart, you know, your dreams and such. 

3.  Lastly, plan your rest and fun time. And when you can be specific, that helps as well.
At the end of today I'll write my 4 grown folk intervals for tomorrow down on a piece of scratch paper, something like: 

- Write Blog Post / Handle Things Pertaining to My Blog 

- Fun Time - Watch Episode of "Once Upon a Time"

- Finish Reading the Current Book I'm In

- Work on Newsletter for Blog 

     My day will most likely end around 6PM, and then I can just hang, doodle, search the web, eat brownies, etc.

    All the while, not feeling out of control, and having a full day, full of such peace and freedom. It can happen to you too. #Cheesywink

Wisdom's Knocking:

Let your time become a treasure, rather than a trap.  

 ***

Extras: If you're one of my blog subscribers, I'll be sharing with you the article that shifted everything for me in regards to productivity. Of which my 3 nuggets are inspired by.

Haven't subscribed yet? No worries! Here's the link to sign up. Click Here. 

The Wedding Invitation Must Have Been Lost...

    

   

      It becomes ever so clear the weight and status of your relationship with "Charlie Brown" or "Susie Q." You once told people in the streets, "Yeah! I know them too, we're practically best friends." And you would smile cockily to yourself, because everyone wants to be friends with Charlie and Susie, but you were one of the special few.

     Status and friendship. What an interesting combination.

     I think it highlights our insecurities. You know, our constant struggle with our self worth. But when we see someone shining bright like a diamond, we want to bask in the glow. We want to at least catch a ray or two. Because perhaps we too shall be transformed.

     And that's what we really want. To shine. To feel worthy, to feel beautiful, to feel talented.

     And we try to squeeze our way into the inner circle of the popular, the shiny and the talented ones.

     Because for some reason, the dirt around our eyes has caused us to believe, that all we are and ever will be is just dirt. Forgetting that once the dirt is removed--the pain, the past, the disappointment, the fear of starting over again, that there's a diamond so closely underneath.

     All that time spent together with Charlie and Susie.

    Cookouts, parties, church, prayer times, family times, and even gifts.

    But why wouldn't you, Charlie and Susie be friends? You clearly are.

     There's all this documented history. It must count towards some unseen friend report card.

     Then comes the moment of announcements and celebrations.

     You leave quirky, fun and cute comments on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, reinforcing to the general public, "Yes, I told you, we are besties. Bask in my Almost-Diamond radiance."

     And then you notice, the date of their wedding is just about a week away and somehow your wedding invitation was hijacked. It had to be hijacked. The Post Office is probably on strike. And you picture the airplane carrying your Golden Ticket wedding invitation, having some weird malfunction and the belly of the plane opens unexpectedly dropping all of the mail over the Pacific Ocean, even though the wedding invitation would have been coming from the same state as yours. But these things can get complicated.

     It's now the day of the wedding, and the photos and comments regarding how beautiful the bride looks and how epic the reception is start streaming on all your social media newsfeeds. You're bombarded with the hard reality. Not just the clear fact that your friendship with these people was somewhat a facade, and mainly to yourself. But now you know without a shadow of a doubt that you weren't as brightly shining as you thought you were. You made no lasting impact and impression, so much so you were forgotten about. Which is probably worse than being cussed out to your face.

     And so it goes. Emotions.

     You know that you will eventually see Charlie and Susie again. Will you handle with grace, anger, confusion, disdain, bitterness, forgiveness, embarrassment, sadness, a pity-party, avoidance, denial... ? Clearly I've thought long and hard regarding this list.

     Well I experienced all, yes every single one of those emotions.

     It was a jarring wake-up call to say the least. Thinking you were doing things quite well, only to find out that you weren't. Not at all. Not in the way that mattered.

     And then I had to take a long hard look at my dashed expectations. My choices in friends. My motivation for certain friendships.

     Soon the spotlight turned on me. And I was definitely found with some fault. In certain conscious and even unconscious ways, I used my friendship with Charlie and Susie to make myself feel better, to feel important--to feel talented.

     I did have my genuine moments in those friendships, and they were lovely indeed.

     But now it was the time to truly be a friend to myself.

     Because once I'm a better friend to myself, I knew I would be a better friend to others, a much more authentic lover in all areas of my life.

     And what was preventing me from shining?

     I began to search this out through the writings of this blog in years past.

     And in the midst of this journey memories started to come to me, like:

My 6th grade teacher, Mrs. Fry, telling me that I shined like no other in my class when it came to my year long English journal assignment. She was the first person who I remember telling me there was a need and an appreciation for my written words. 

     So maybe I was forgotten about in that moment with Charlie and Susie, but that's okay, it was time to grow. It's not about sucking the shine out of someone else or finding self worth in someone else's shine, but it's about sharing the shine, collectively, and even contributing to it yourself.

     And for me the fruit of not being afraid to shine is now seen in the evidence of this blog and in those matters that I am passionate about of which I have the privilege of sharing with and speaking to young men and women on a regular basis.

     So when you feel forgotten about or left out, know that you are still worthy, you are still full of such potential,  you are still capable of shining, shining bright like a diamond.

Wisdom's Knocking:

Yes, the golden ticket can often lead you to unexpected and wonderful places. 

But often, when you don't receive that golden ticket, another invitation awaits.

An Ode to the Person I Dislike

     You would think that because I pastor sometimes moody and inconsistent teenagers that I would have hero-like stamina when it comes to my interactions with adults. But no, instead my sentiments to those over 21 is:  You're grown! You should know better by now. You should know yourself at this point in the game, but instead you're drawing lines of division through your behavior without any sign of remorse. And it's killing vibes everywhere you go!

     So clearly, you're seeing an area of my heart where I need to grow in grace and love.

     And I'm quite aware that adults often don't know as much as they think they do, especially about themselves. And yes, I'd want grace and patience extended towards me, if I was the vibe killer in the story.

     But as we wait for certain individuals to get a true touch from God, in that precious meantime, they continue to get on my nerves and irritate the life out of me.

     Sometimes I just feel like telling them:

I'm agitated by your lack of stillness, your confrontational style of being. 

You don't listen, you bark without hearing the completion of another's sentence. 

You don't know how to receive love humbly. You only gain self worth and importance by proving that you don't need anyone or anything, and by making sure others stay in their place. 

No one is allowed to shine around you, but you.  

You've mistaken your appearance of love-looking actions as the real thing.  

You force vulnerability on others, in order to subdue them, never offering a true vulnerability of your own. 

You're exhausting. 

Why must you act so friggin weird?? 

Your selfishness is nauseating, but we all smile around you, to stop us from slapping you. This is not a Pharisaical move completely, but rather, the immature level of our current love.  

     But then I realize...

     They are afraid, just like I was. Just like I often am.

     And oh, how the patience of God has rescued me a many times.

     I would have lived in a cave of despair if it weren't for the kind intentions of God toward me, always at the perfect time.

     And just as His hand has been on my life, His hand is on theirs.

     Furthermore,  I remember how David in the Old Testament, refused to talk dirt about King Saul, even when Saul went nuts and tried to kill David.

     I think David understood something about pain, that made him sensitive to the heart of a deranged King Saul. And if you read the Psalms, it becomes apparent that David had a deep emotional range that shaped his heart as worshipper of God.

     See, the fact that the one I dislike has the ability to irritate me, says something about me as well. Perhaps the need to control and provide a perfect atmosphere everywhere I go. Or that part of me that doesn't want to fully engage with pain. And with an interruption in peace, something in me gets scared, gets rocked. And my own strength proves to not be enough. This is a glorious and scary awakening.

     "Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change."  e.g. The root and history of someone else's behavior.

    And its funny what God does then. I don't usually see a change in the person on the spot, but rather, there's an immediate change in me, in my heart.

    Compassion where there wasn't compassion.  Eyes that are more open than they were before.

     And a trust that God will finish writing the story, if I will let Him.

    Yes. I am responsible for my heart and my actions.

    And you will be responsible for yours.

     And that is where rest can begin. It's not up to me to fix and change every single person I encounter, nor do they necessarily want to change. And I must find rest in that, peace in that, and not hold resentment.

     Wisdom would say, to love that person where they are at, but to love yourself just as much in the process. Which may look like not being besties with said person. And that's okay.

     But never wish for harm to come to them, only the best, only God's best.

     For we know, that everyone we meet is fighting a battle.

Wisdom's Knocking:

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

-Ian Maclaren

My Mind is Tellin' Me Noooo, But My Body Is Tellin' Me.....

   

     Let's just get into it. A couple weeks back. I got...sensations.

     I was hugging a co-worker good-bye and I immediately noticed that he didn't try and embrace my upper back, but instead, he was near sensation station. Also known as my booty.

     You all remember the blog post of which a vendor that I had been working with straight up smacked and cupped my booty. Yes. That happened.

     Well, this wasn't that.

     This guy had unexpected swag. With this guy, his hands merely grazed the the top of my backside ever so gently. But he knew what he was doing.

     This was...how do I say...a pleasant surprise.

    I wish you could have seen my eyes. I wasn't trying to look euphoric, it just sort of happened.  And on top of that,  I'm almost positive my ovaries jumped.

     I know.  This all over such a small gesture. But can I just tell you, these small gestures become everything, especially when you are getting nothing.

     And then, the hug is over. I try to compose myself. I mean. It was just a hug. But afterwards, I needed a church fan.

     Okay.

     So shortly after the magician Mr. Cop-a-Feel had his way with me and we parted ways, I found myself in a very interesting state of mind...or body or something.

     My prayer throughout the week was straight up:

     Please Lord, help me to NOT make a baby. Amen and Amen.

     Luckily, there was no able body near me during my 'in heat' moment.

     That in itself was God's presence and answer and to prayer. #supertrue

     But an ill-timed awakening in my body was taking place, and it was proving difficult to robotically turn it off.

     One night in particular, I was almost positive I was going to have some weird porno-like dream upon closing my eyes and falling asleep.  But instead, I dreamed of something else in far greater detail.

     It was a play-by-play of flirtatious actions leading me into a new and real relationship with one of my current crushes.

     Sentiments were mutual between he and I. There was no hanky-panky, just honest to goodness "If you like me, circle yes" type stuff and the blossoming of our cute relationship.

     However, when I woke up, I felt claustrophobic -- not turned on.

     I felt the weight, the pressure and the responsibility of being in a relationship and all of a sudden it was as if someone had poured cold water all over me. #vibekilled

     Are you serious? I still have commitment issues?

     Or maybe its just commitment issues regarding him? At this stage of the game, what one thinks they know is blurry at best, and where one ends up winging it often proves to be genius. #trustGod

     But all of this depth explored, simply because someone grazed my booty.

     I'm also thinking about how no one has asked me out on an official date since Y2K. If you don't know what that is. That makes my point even more rich.

     Or how no one (Perverts and unwanted man gropers need not apply) has genuinely caressed the right side and left side of my face in their hands with gentle intention since 2001.

     We singles need affection daily, DANGIT. (And let me add: From people we feel safe with.)

     Isn't there something to be said, when babies aren't held and touched they are lacking in development in so many ways. I don't think we lose that as adults, I just think we suppress it or go haywire and then try to overstimulate for lost time.

     With that said, I'm not quite sure what else to do about my lack of affection and semi-awakened sensations,  other than to acknowledge it and write to you about it.

     Oh, but there is another temporary remedy...

     Tonight,  I'm choosing to not let my mind get too carried away with my current affection lack. Instead, I'm just baking brownies.

     Yes, it's true, I cannot wait until the day that I'm held and doted on.

     But until then I'm just going to eat the entire pan of brownies I just baked. #WhatSaySomethin

Wisdom's Knocking:

 Your skin like dawn
Mine like musk

 One paints the beginning
of a certain end.

 The other, the end of a
sure beginning.


 -- Maya Angelou, "Passing Time "