Piners Anonymous

Photo Credit: Joshua Anderson

Unofficial definition of a Piner: 

a) A person who is romantically and deeply emotionally attached to another person who does not reciprocate the same feelings. b) One who constantly tries to be seen by and/or checks on (Ehem....stalks in a variety ways both electronically or in person) a person that one is interested in. Especially when the feelings are not reciprocated:  

"Susie and Frank had been best friends for years. But it was clear to everyone on the outside that Susie was a complete piner when it came to Frank."

     I always feel waaaaaay to vulnerable when I like someone. I just want to be around them, for no apparent reason. I feel as though I'm at the mercy of someone else's whims, moods, and attention.You know how it is. You unintentionally give the person you like, a certain power over you. And you start to feel jello-y and awkward. You know, it's like butterflies on crack. And when that person smiles your way, texts you, compliments you, something happens to the chemistry in your body and the beats of your heart.

     Well, I'm a little embarrassed to admit, that I've been teetering on the verge of being a legit piner these last few weeks. Dangit. And it sucks. I do not---I repeat, I do not want to be a piner. I've been there plenty of times before, and I only end up looking foolish, getting hurt and hating myself for it. But somehow, I have not learned my lesson...

     Sometimes being a "Unicorn", like myself, makes you a little too dreamy eyed and makes you jump the gun just a little too fast when it comes to matters of love. Because you see, we Unicorns are fierce hopeless romantics.

     But alas, here we are. And I feel a little dumb. Well actually a lot dumb.

     I'll still choose to love him, but not in the way I had originally planned and hoped for. And I'll back away ever so slightly from our friendship, until he doesn't know that I'm gone at all. Not because I really want to. But simply for self preservation. Because at this point, it hurts too much to watch and pine.

Wisdom's Knocking:

"If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.”

- Richard Bach

"The Last 2 Virgins on Earth" - Part Deux & The Unicorns

Photo Credit: Joshua Anderson

     It seems as if my original post from 2012, "The Last 2 Virgins on Earth" stirred up some thangs.

     Not my sex life.

     But nevertheless, some thangs.

     So against my better judgement, I decided to expound a bit on this. I told myself that I wouldn't go towards this topic on my blog, because it's extremely personal. But hey, it's 2013. The world's already ended (Thank you, Mayans), so what do I have to lose? My pride? Ha. Did I tell you that I almost walked straight into a wall yesterday. So yeah, my pride is pretty much a dwindling factor in all of this.

     Plus, I'm banking on the fact that you may never remember this post after you read it.

     So here we go...


     Yes. I have my "V membership card". In other words...

     I'm a virgin.


     Let's let that sink in for a bit.


     And let me now go pace my room for about 10 minutes, because I can't believe I just put myself on blast like that.
























     Okay. I'm back.

     For some of you, this may be the most shocking news you've heard since Lance Armstrong admitted he's a liar.


     You may be feeling confused, pity, angry, delighted, relieved, encouraged, or suspicious of my choice to remain in the V-club for so long.


     For others of you, this won't phase you at all. And now you've gone back to checking your Facebook page.

     But let me paint a little bit of a back drop for you lovely people that may be absolutely shocked by my current confession.  There is a whole sub-culture of people that are living their daily, weekly, monthly, yearly lives not yet (or postponing) enjoying the thrills and bliss of a great sex life... and yes, by a very intentional choice.

     Now I understand that there are a variety of reasons why people make such a choice, but I'll simply share my own reasons.

     It first started out that I just wanted to be a good Christian girl.

     But then, all the good Christian girls around me, were already having sex.

     But I wasn't ready to take the plunge.

     As corny as it sounds, I truly wanted to give my body as a gift to my future husband, or a gift to God until my husband came.

     And then I turned 19.

     And I'm in college. Living in Malibu.

     I have my first real kiss.

     Good LORD.

     I'm ABOUT kissing. Praise the Lord for good kissers! You know who you are!

     But I still wasn't ready to give my whole body away.

     And then I graduated college.

     I go to grad school.

     And time continues to pass.

     Last kiss = 2001.

     What the what?!!!

     And then it's 2013.


     I can honestly tell you, that if God wasn't in my life, the way in which He's in my life, meaning...I've given Him control over every part of my life. Not just the part I lead on Sundays. If God wasn't in my life, in the unique way that he is, this blog post subject would read something like..."My Awesome Random Afternoon Delight Adventure -- Part 10" (Some of you will get that reference).

     Because you see, I'm ABOUT sex. I think God is genius for being the author of it.

     Every month, my body reminds me that I was made to reproduce, to make babies, to have great sex.


     But I've never been in love. Just in "deep like." Therefore, I've never felt safe or at full peace to give my whole body away to someone. My heart is just too tender.

     And that's what I've always wanted to do. Give my whole body away to the man I love, fully, unrestrained, abandoned, uninhibited, and under a banner of God's covenant love.  To give my body away, not necessarily to a perfect man with no faults and past, but to a man simply after God's heart that could truly appreciate and value my heart and my sacrifice.

     I also know part of me loves a challenge, the impossible, and a good story. And since I was 16, I wanted to see if I could actually live up to this crazy challenge of waiting. I mean, could I actually wait? Would I implode? Could I actually invest in a love story with man that I have yet to marry. And what if I never got married??

    Needless to say, over the years, I've learned a great deal about self-control (Ha!).  But I've also learned so much more about the love of God, my own heart and and the hearts of people on such a deep, deep level. My sacrifice, amazingly enough, has turned itself into a gift.

     It hasn't been all roses in the waiting, but it hasn't been all thorns either.

----

     It's funny.

     Birds of a feather flock together.

     I'm surrounded by quite a few folks that are either celibate or in the V-club. And yes, we are talking about fully fledged grown up folks. Folks that are actually hot, good looking, beautiful, sexy, grown, intelligent, feisty, flirty, and bold.

     I often joke with the teenagers that I mentor, that I'm on my way to becoming the 40 year-old virgin (Insert laugh-cry here). But instead, I think I'll starting calling myself a Unicorn.

     A good friend of mine, the one that I was actually in the conversation with last year, who said..."I think we're practically the last 2 virgins on earth."

     Then said, "Actually, we're like the Last Unicorns."

     And there you have it.

----

     So if you take away anything from this blog post, it's that I let you in on an inside joke.

     Therefore, when I tell you via a future blog post that I've killed the last unicorn,

     Well...

     You'll then know... not to cry.





     Unless of course...it's out of joy.  And in that case, let the tears of celebration flow.

Wisdom's Knocking: 

"Our willingness to wait reveals the value we place on the object we are waiting for."

-- Charles Stanley

The Armor of Pride

Photo Credit: Paul Capra

It's the heaviness that prevents us from engaging with people.

It blinds us from the truth.

It's the wall that separates us from truly feeling emotion. It restricts our range of emotion.

It prevents us from loving people that we wouldn't normally love.

It makes us feel like we can't afford to fail, therefore making us feel like we can't afford to trust.

It prevents us from trying something new in fear that we won't be the best or that we will make a mistake.

It's a sworn enemy although it talks to you like a true friend.

And when I looked into your eyes that morning, I was too prideful to admit that I didn't want to look away.

And that is why I chose not to cry in front of you.

Wisdom's Knocking: 

“The proud person always wants to do the right thing, the great thing. But because he wants to do it in his own strength, he is fighting not with man, but with God.” 

 ― Søren Kierkegaard

Ripped Off

Photo Credit: Elias Garlaza

     The car sped off before I was safely in my own car.

     I had been dropped...





     Off.

     It was dark, and I fumbled for my keys, and then I finally opened my car door.

     The trail of the car that dropped me off was long gone, as if to say, "Good riddance."

     I sat in my car in the dark for a moment. When someone doesn't follow through to make sure I'm safe, I'm urked. Then, I feel sad. Then, I'm urked again. Then I feel a bit humiliated. And yes, then I'm urked again.

     It's always in the details and in the little things...It's those things that always seem to say so much. So much more than we intend them to.

     But I pay attention to those things, and you are communicating something to me through those seemingly little and insignificant things.

     So when the tenderness I love to shower people with is not met by their own actions towards me, I can't help but feel ripped off.

     I could tell that other things and people were constant distractions floating through my friend's mind. Even if they wouldn't admit it.

     And all day, I was feeling extremely emotional and heavy in the spirit, if you know what I mean.

     But in it all, I chose to be present in the moment with high and lovely expectations-- as much as one could have.

     And unknown to my friend, I was struggling to feel loved, heard, seen, appreciated, and honored in the moments that we were having.

     By the end of the day I was exhausted.

     My well of patience and joy had somehow gone dry.

     We were both tired.

    You see, when one has an extremely unexpected good day, like the one I had a few days ago, the tendency is to try to recreate that feeling, that vibe, that emotion, to make a sequel of sorts.

     But then life happens.

     And things don't play out quite the same way.

     But oh, how we wish they did.

     And then the very thing that I was trying to avoid through it all happens...disappointment and heartbreak.

     With a car speeding off, before I am safely tucked away into mine.

Wisdom's Knocking:

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."

-C.S. Lewis

The Lovely Sometimes

Photo Credit: Paul Capra

Sometimes you just have a lovely day. And everybody knows it.

It settles you. Gives you peace. Makes you smile. And surprises you.

These are lovely times.

Wisdom's Knocking:

"This is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it."

-Psalm 118:24

I'm Different

Photo Credit: Lindsay Coleman

Opposites attract.

And that's all I'm gonna say about that.

Wisdom's Knocking:

"What good is the warmth of summer,
without the cold of winter to give it sweetness."

-John Steinback

The Secret Is Out

Photo Credit: Paris Garbowsky

     It's no secret. I still have feelings for him.

     I played for one of my best friends, a voice message that I left him not too long ago.

     "Wow, you sound so nervous..." She calmly says.

     "I know." I reply. "I just don't know how to be. And it's so frustrating to me."

     You see, I am both irritated and oddly drawn to him.

     I think I was in absolute denial about how my heart truly felt, until after I wrote,"Bang, Bang, Boom". I mean, didn't you already sense, through my veil of jealousy, that I was falling...falling... a little bit in love?

     Ugh. Such bad timing.

     I've walked out friendship with many a male counterparts like this before. It's dangerous ground. There seems to be hidden mines in the fields at every turn. And as life would have it, I somehow step on almost every single one, feeling the jolt of having a heart ripped in two in a variety of tortuous ways.

     And so I hesitate.

     And at the same time I move forward.

     Until recently, when I end up hitting my head smack into a glass wall of sorts.

     Wait. I thought it was all clearly labeled ahead. I thought we determined what we were getting into, a clearer road ahead with no obvious trickery.

     Oh, that glass wall isn't yours? It's mine?

     And then, I look closer. Sketched on this glass wall, that I've recently hit, is the phrase, "Trust Issues."

     I sigh.

     Not this again.

     Haven't we gone over this, God, like a trillion times?

     And then I get humbled.

     "But you've never let Me shatter this wall, completely. Instead, you simply punch your way through, bloody your hands, and think that you've gained victory. But the remaining shards of glass now stick to your hands, leaving you more injured and deceived into thinking that you've actually dealt with and moved passed this Trust Issues wall. But you haven't yet. Because now the pieces of glass are with you wherever you go."

-----

     There so much I'm afraid of in this season.

     I'm afraid of putting my heart and intentions out there, only to be rejected.

     I'm afraid that I'll never finish my screenplay.

     I'm afraid that Justin Timberlake's album won't be as good as his hit single, "Suit & Tie."

     I'm afraid that I'll never be held like a woman should be held.

     I'm afraid that I'll never have sex.

     I'm afraid that I'll get accustomed to promises not being fulfilled.

     I'm afraid of not being the perfect everything for someone.

     I'm afraid of seeing my parents age.

     I'm afraid of becoming forgotten.

     And therein lies the pieces of glass that make up the "Trust Issues" wall.

     I realize I'm a lot more insecure and jealous than I had once perceived. But I'm convinced more than ever, that's not who I am meant to be.

     And like a gentle surgeon, God is carefully removing the shards of glass from my life, from my hands, from my heart.

     And he says, like such a sweet Papa, "It's going to be okay. But you must let Me do this for you."

     As odd as it sounds, I'm in awe and shock that God desires to do something for me.

     You mean, I don't have to beg and plead? I don't have to perform or do a tap dance? You want to do this for me, simply because you love me?

     Speechless.

     It's interesting the contrast of how God heals us vs. when we try and heal ourselves.

     The difference is truly night and day.

     In this season, as certain areas of my heart are getting healed, I am absolutely confident that God is with me. The pain is very real, but His presence is just as real.

     I'm learning more and more, that the opposite of love is not hate, but fear.

     And fear causes us to act irrationally and empties our soul of the ability to trust, leaving only shards and remnants of what love once felt like to us.

     But tonight, I''m learning that God is not simply removing the shards of glass from my bloody hands, He's healing my hands with His balm. Giving me His faith and love in exchange for my doubt and fear.

     He's smoothing my hands over, causing them to be steady and able to hold the hearts of many and to clear the pathway for those walking this journey in the generations to come.

Wisdom's Knocking: 

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." 

- I John 4:8