Thursday, March 20, 2008

Embrace Part 2

What was the beautiful collision? I'm not quite sure, but I think it's happening. A lot of unrest and irritable emotion is rising to the surface. It feels a little painful, but mostly uncomfortable.

I realize things are changing and in turn that will change everything. I chose to remain vulnerable even though it feels a little squishy here, like I don't completely fit. But on the other side...Oh, the other side. There must be one. No matter how closely you're looking at the coin, you're still only seeing one side. And thus, I'm waiting for the coin to flip. I want to see now.

"Dance on my agenda...rain on my parade" For I know it will change everything. I won't be afraid to wait and look at you, but I'm scared you won't look back. Grace me with yourself. I won't turn away, I choose to embrace.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Isn't It

Isn't weird when you have a dream of someone--wake up...and then they call you? That's been happening to me a lot lately.

I mean, how normal is that anyway? I'm just curious. So what say you?

Saturday, March 08, 2008


I feel like I could be in love. Prior to this moment, I was embracing my self for some sort of horrible crash of sorts, but now I'm finding myself in the midst of some sort of beautiful collision.

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Not Just Vision, Intimacy

I tend to be quite a little cheerleader. I can't help it. I love seeing smiles on peoples faces. But I've realized, I might be sacrificing a level of true intimacy.

I don't want to cheerlead so loud that I indirectly end up hiding from you because I'm so focused on cheerleading a vision vs. connecting and loving you in this moment. Something about truly being present freaks me out. But that's where I really want to be. I, like you, want to connect meaningfully (is that a word?) with people. But I think I have some weird insecurities with proximity. And the question always arises in my head, "Why do you want to know me?" Or in some cases, "Why don't you want to know me?". I'm just realizing this now. No I'm lying. I've known for quite some time that I have intimacy issues. They've just become a bit more visual as I stir in the midst of a life transition.

Everything doesn't have to always be about vision, which is almost like blashphemy for me to say. I love finding and seeing purpose/vision in everything I do. But in addition to vision, I want to enrich my life with true intimacy. I don't want to be scared to know you and for you to know about me.

So with that said, let's just sit down and stare at each to see who wins.

Monday, March 03, 2008

Freakin People!!

As you can tell, by the title, I'm a little revved up. I'm hoping by writing some of the reason why, will help calm me down.

This morning--or should I say afternoon, when I awoke, I remembered I had pleasant pleasant dreams. The mood and vibe of these series of dreams was refreshing, calm but full of life. I had journeys with people in open air malls and walks down long corridors of Tiffany's. Yes, that "Tiffany's". There was a Brazilian girl, real cool and down to earth, helping and being somewhat of a tour guide and enthusiast. There was this guy who I was attracted to and connecting with, but now I can't see or remember his face at all. Which is bizarre, because in my dream I made a specific point to remember his face. Oh and something about a mall bench, you know like those benches that look like they're supposed to be in a garden. Well, me and mystery man had some quality time on that bench--nothing serious at all, just sitting next to each other, pretty close....legs touching...Oh, which reminds me, I looked down to see what I was wearing--basically my pajamas. Awesome. I had on my red boxers with the white polka dots and some sort of t-shirt, I think my t-shirt had a school name on it, maybe USC.

My QT (quality time) with mystery man gets interrupted as the two people (1 Guy, 1 Girl) we were travelling with come back from visiting separate stores. The guy (not mystery love man) sits in between my mystery guy and I. He had some jokes, we all laughed, and then we leave that area and walk down a hallway.

As we get to the end of the hallway, people are on the ground tending to a garden. I recognize most of the people--they are from my old school (Bethel). Oh, and Heidi is down there tending to a garden as well. Everyone is chill and happy. I specifically remember seeing Brandon Eggerth, Jessie Vascara, and a really really tall Jenny Zimmerman. The guys had dropped some comments stating that they didn't recognize me. I figured it was mostly because my hair was blonde and I was so beautiful (ha ha), no but really.

Oh and earlier in a walkway, I saw the Mrs. Jackson's kids--but they were all so young, especially the son. Probably around 12 or 13.

Something about this dream reminded me of Malibu. Not so much the actual place, but the feel and vibe of that city.

And so I awoke feeling good.

And then, I go to my computer to check email, and that is when the irritation begins. I deal with an email that is of great irritation to me. It feels like a "monkey wrench", it really effects my heart on a variety of levels.

To the Person Who Wrote Me This Email: When will you learn to communicate effectively with honor and love and with consideration? Do you not see your own harmful habits? Fear still dominates you. It's obvious. That is not the kingdom I serve or will ever be apart of.

See, the enemy knew what would affect my heart after such hope invaded my dreams. But I'm wise enough to know that a "monkey wrench" ain't gonna stop no show! Now, my emotions need to get aligned to that truth.

I'm committed to going down loving--regardless.

I love the fact that I feel...that I'm a little extra sensitive. And I'm also proud that I continually choose to be courageous in how I love.

People and Circumstances have, do, and will test us. But ultimately, we are the ones that get to write our score through our response. Love of course, leading us to an A--because Love never fails.