I Only Feel Ugly Around You

     Photo Credit: Hannah Anderson

     Trickery is prone to happen, when one is under a veil.

     What do I mean, by this?

     Sometimes, others are not able to see you yet for who you truly are, because they don't have eyes yet to fully see you--you're behind a veil.

     In certain seasons of my life, I've felt the weight of being hidden, not always appreciating the fact that it is truly protection in a variety of ways.

     So when others, or a significant other, or a crush does not quite see you for your true beauty and is not able to validate your beauty, your mind and heart begin to second guess themselves.

     But am I beautiful?

     He doesn't think I am?

     But the standard of beauty is this, or that...

     You will hear me say this a lot this year. This may be my year of Singleness, but it is NOT my year of Ugliness.

     There is no need for me to look like a hot mess in the streets.

     So yes, I will be stepping up my game this year.

     But oddly enough, in my pursuit to step up my game, I’ve felt emotionally attacked in that exact area.

     Typical.

     Mind you, I’m still processing my heart as it deals with real feelings and attraction towards men—okay, one in particular, yet I'm balancing a year of vowed singleness. Yes. Tricky.

     All to say, it still means something to me, when a man gives me a genuine compliment. It deposits something good in my soul. Ladies, you know what I'm talking about.

     And men, I know that you have a reservoir of sensitivity as well. And I know that a genuine compliment doesn't simply stroke your ego, but encourages you to be a better man.

     So the oddest thing happened to me a few nights back, and the end result was that I felt ugly being in the presence of a particular person, actually, we weren't even in the same space, this was more or less a phone conversation. And this particular conversation wasn't even about me. It was about someone else and their overwhelming beauty. And 99.9% of the time, I'm always ready to celebrate someone else's beauty beyond my own. But it's no secret that I clearly wanted my beauty to be validated by this person I was in a conversation with.

     But let's get real. There's that .1% that would cause me to not want to celebrate someone's else's beauty. And what is that .1%?

     It's simple: If I felt as though their beauty and amazingly established identity threatened mine in some way.

     How could their beauty threaten me?

     Well, if I thought that in some way, this person had an upper hand when it comes to...getting the guy over me...getting the job over me...getting the promotion over me, etc., etc.

     And alas, there they are, some of my deep insecurities raw for all to see.

     But as I write this, I recognize that this is very much a Spirit of Poverty mentality at work within me.

     Because in God's kingdom, there's always more than enough--there's no lack, no deficiency in beauty, and no need to be stingy. In fact, we are called to be radically generous.

     Not just with our finances, but with our time, our lives, our love.

     So now I realize I need to receive, in a fresh way, the generosity of God's intentions and beauty in my own life. And I must be sold on the fact that I won't be ripped off in anyway.

     Perhaps I'm behind a veil.

     But even though I may be behind a veil, I cannot and will not succumb to this idea that I'm not valuable, that I'm not beautiful,  that I'm not desirable, that I'm not attractive. And the same goes for YOU.

     You are more beautiful than you know, more attractive than he gave you credit for, more intelligent than she ever expressed, and more loving than they ever thought you could be.

     Validation is such a strong force, especially when you feel as though you crave it. But one (Ehem, meee) must be careful not to put the full weight, perspective, and responsibility of our lives purpose, beauty, and identity upon one single person's response towards us.


     This is in no way our year of ugliness.


     And in closing....I will not be looking like a hot mess in the streets. Ya heard.

Wisdom's Knocking:

Your worth and beauty are fully settled and established in God.

"I tell you, love your enemies. Help and give without expecting a return. You’ll never—I promise—regret it. Live out this God-created identity the way our Father lives toward us, generously and graciously, even when we’re at our worst. Our Father is kind; you be kind."

- Luke 6:35-36 (The Message)

When Strings Are Not Like Arms Around Me

Photo Credit: Reeve Carney

     Lately I’ve felt a bit like a puppet, rather than simply a lover and a friend of God.  Being in a place of sacrifice has been interesting.

     It’s a fine line between giving your heart away and disregarding your heart all together.

     Yes, the expected pain and heartbreak that sacrifice ushers in, has at times become subtly overwhelming.

     I think I just need to let go.

     I need to let go in a deeper way.

     I feel at times I’m trying to hold it all up--everything, in my own strength, you know, the plans that God has for my life, and those around me. As if I could, in my own strength control them and make all of these plans come about.

     I’m a bit tense to say the least. And my communication with people has felt stilted and a bit awkward at times. Yes, you could say, a lot has been on my mind.

     It would do me some good to stop holding my breath.

     To breathe deeply.

     Because I’ve noticed that when one feels like a puppet, the ground of our hearts become fertile with resentment. And I don’t want to have seeds of resentment sprouting up on me in the middle of my 2013. 

     So instead, I'm choosing to be honest...now, choosing to get still...now, to stop fidgeting...now. 

     I do want to feel arms around me. I want to feel valued.

     And that is the challenge.

     Because in the midst, I realize I'm not as good as I had thought I was at receiving love. You know, truly believing that I'm lovable, in all my dimensions. Actually, let me restate that in a different way:

     Just as there are deeper levels of love to encounter and experience outwardly, there are always deeper levels of love to encounter and experience inwardly, especially with God. The depths of His love cannot be measured. Which then means, I can constantly cultivate a deep well within my heart that is ever expanding to simply RECEIVE love.  And lets just say that my well had somehow shrunk.

     I often hear that receiving love is the hardest part. Not to simply let it wash over you, but to allow it to sink into every pore of your skin and deep into your soul, and for that love to find a home in you.

     I want to allow myself to be loved...deeply.

     I know that God is loving me through this process. I just get a little nervous sometimes in the process.

     I now see that it was actually my own strings of striving that had me entangled. And not the light yoke that God has for me. 

     Today, as I was driving in my car, I played a simple worship song, I put that song on repeat for about an hour, and I purposed to allow God's love and thoughts towards me to penetrate my heart and my mind.

     And that somehow was the beginning of something.

     And I began to breathe deeply.

Wisdom's Knocking:

"The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved
--loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves."

-Victor Hugo