I wanted to title this blog post: "I Feel Stupid."
But I felt like that was too much in your face, you know?
Instead, I want to ease you into the ache, and not give it to you right up front.
There's this scene in one of my all time favorite movies, "Field of Dreams" - where a little girl has a bit of a dangerous fall.
It needs to be noted, that this little girl was the beacon of faith in the movie. She saw what most couldn't. And she simply and calmly "believed" certain good things were going to come to pass -- amidst all the other panicked voices that spoke the contrary.
So she has this brief fall of sorts, and after she is picked up and asked, "How you feeling, honey?" The little girl perfectly says: "Stupid."
Every time I watch the movie and hear that line, I laugh and cry.
Because isn't that they way we feel after we trip and fall, especially if people happened to be nearby to witness the whole crime scene.
You could be walking on what seems to be a pretty straightforward yellow brick road, and then all of sudden you lose your footing and everything that you were carrying gets flung into the air. And then the slow-motion begins as you make a painful descent to the hard earth below, so perfectly positioned to fall ever so hard on your rear end, with your heels betraying your legs and ending up somehow in mid-air.
So last blog post, I shared about how I was stood up. How I almost had a date, then didn't...
The outpouring of love via private Facebook messages, text messages, and emails surprised me and overwhelmed me in the best way. The wisdom that many of you carry is astounding. So thank you for taking the time to love me and to share with me your heartache, your victories, and your overcoming spirit.
Now guess what.
Apparently I wasn't stood up. But he had a mild accident of sorts and I wasn't able to find out until afterwards.
Naturally this would happen to me...
And yes, he's okay.
So, of course--After I pour out my heart to you and the internets; the next day, is when I hear a perfectly sane story of good intentions gone awry.
We are meant to reschedule, but I haven't heard back from him in over a week...
And now I'm wondering if I should bust out my Kenny Rogers album. #KnowWhentoFoldEm
With that said, I'm reading and re-reading your words of encouragement; especially as it seems I'm in another one of our favorite waiting seasons...
I mean, why can't we be in fulfillment already?
I had a dream last night that I was held, hugged, and adored by a man. When I awoke this morning, I started weeping, because I honestly thought my dream was real life. Has that ever happened to you? Where everything feels so real, that you don't realize it's a dream until you physically wake up?
So yeah, that's how my day started. And for those that are curious, the man in my dream was not the man I was suppose to go on a date with a couple weeks ago--this guy was an old friend of mine. But rather than thinking of my old friend, I'm also looking at what his presence might represent to me outside of the dream.
Oh, I know what it was. This guy friend made me feel safe. I always felt safe around him. And we hugged only once, which I know sounds strange to say, but those are the facts. I just remember being in that embrace with him thinking, "Wow. I feel so safe here."
But that was a couple of years ago.
And what I had last night was a dream.
And I've been tripping and falling all over my yellow brick road, landing on my butt these last couple of weeks.
And I feel bruised and tired.
And I also feel a little bit stupid.
I texted our guy last night, only to hear the lovely sounds of crickets up until tonight.
There's probably some sane and easy explanation.
Or the answer is staring me in my face...
But we are dealing with a girl who is partly tired, partly sexually frustrated (For a detailed explanation, click here) and a girl who is partly scared to believe in someone again with her whole heart after a decade of disappointment, let downs, almosts, and loads of "hurry up he's around the corner"-- Oh wait. No he ain't...
But all this hurry up and wait is getting a little bit too much for me.
My heart hurts. And my arms are empty.
But nevertheless, it's in the waiting that we get our strength--
I know that particular truth seems so cruel and almost stupid. And I honestly can't breakdown in bite size detail, how this exchange of waiting actually brings forth life in us, I just know that it does.
Waiting sifts us and prepares us.
I mean, there are stages to being pregnant, and each waiting stage is purposeful. Albeit, that last trimester, I know many women are like, "Yo, I'M DONE BEING PREGNANT."
And that's kind of how I feel.
But we're not left on our own in such processes. I'm so grateful for the Holy Spirit in all of this. The One sent to bring us comfort in times such as these.
You and I are being forced to learn on the ground level, what it really means to be infused with strength through the waiting.
I've come too far to throw it all away now. And so have you.
I may feel stupid. I may feel pain. But I'm going to do my best, with my mustard seed of faith to let waiting have its perfect way in me.
The everlasting God, the Lord, The Creator of the ends of the earth,
Neither faints nor is weary. His understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the weak,
And to those who have no might He increases strength.
Even the youths shall faint and be weary, And the young men shall utterly fall,
But those who wait on the Lord Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint."