Full Attention

When we first met, it was kind of awful.

It was awkward and ill-timed. Perhaps too soon.

The anticipation of meeting you almost overtook me.

And then your attention and affections were elsewhere. Eyes jetting to and fro, but never truly on mine.

And I was present, but you were somewhere else.

I expected so much more, and that may have been the problem.

But first impressions are quite something.

Wisdom's Knocking: 

"Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity."

- Simon Weil

Together & Tender

     

     
     It's been one of those tender seasons for me.

     But now, I feel like I can write about it.

     I tried writing this piece several times before, earlier this week, but it the timing wasn't quite right. There was a missing component.

     But yesterday, the missing component showed up.

     And here I am.

     Writing.

     My mom, who works at a high school (and was just rewarded Employee of the Year, by the way....#prouddaughter) and I have frequently talked about how prevalent anxiety and depression is in this generation. Especially among young adults and teenagers.

     And yet this is the privileged generation, are we not?

     We are reaping the bounty that came forth by way of the blood, sweat, and tears of our grandparents and great-grandparents. And yet, we have gotten ourselves in new cages, new prisons, with different battles to face and conquer. Our new and dangerous frontier of sorts--which has become the war in our minds.

     I think one of the most crippling components of anxiety is a sense of hopelessness.

     Because everything just starts unraveling so fast, that you almost don't have time to catch your breath.

     And that's how I felt this past week.

     It's like, in a moment, all that you think you know about God just vanishes, and you try to rationalize every single thing.  Which leaves you even more hopeless, when trying to see these things without God. Because the Tree of the knowledge of good and evil can never give you lasting fruit or peace--just information...

     But only the One who is the true Tree of Life can give peace and real tangible hope.

     I feel like I relearn this afresh every few months or so.

     It was clear this week, I not only wanted but needed to experience the closeness of God--the One who is nearer to us than a mother or a brother.

     So in the midst of my mind swirling, I became desperate. I needed faces of love and comfort around me and not necessarily Netflix.

     And so I drove yesterday. I drove out to see my friend and her family.

     And I was still anxious and still uneasy, but being around them made it better.

     And then they prayed for me.

     And my tears, started streaming down my face like tiny hot rivers.

     And the prayers continued.

     And then I was hugged. And held. Like a child again.

     And an avalanche of all the pain I had bottled up these past few weeks, fell to the floor.

     Disappointment. Fear of death. Fear of my loved ones dying. Fear of being abandoned in life...because I couldn't see or hear or feel the tangible hope of God in my pain...until right then.

      And God came through their hands and hugs and gave me comfort and hope and peace.

      I felt and knew that I wasn't alone.

      And that in all of this, I truly was with someone--together.

      Being a single grown woman at times is rough.

      But it truly is God who places us in families. No matter what are status is in life. The invitation is always extended.

     Because I know now more than ever, that we are not meant to do the work alone, not now, and not ever.

      We need family. Even if our current mothers and fathers are still alive, and especially if they are not. Just know, that it's a promise from God that He will place you in and give you a family (Psalm 68:5-6)

     It's sometimes hard to fully comprehend that as Believers we will never be separated from the Love of God. Especially in times of pain. But the promise still stands. And oh my goodness, what an incredible promise it is.

     With that said, I hope to spend my entire lifetime gazing at, knowing, and experiencing this Love.

     It took me a moment to fall asleep last night. But I did.

     And I felt peace. The peace that I had been missing and been without for the last couple of weeks.

     It often pays off to be tender.

     But even more so...together.

Wisdom's Knocking:

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace
as you trust in him, so that you may overflow
with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

- Romans 15:13

Seeing Ourselves Through the Eyes of Love

This blog piece is dedicated to the stunningly beautiful and talented

Lauren Evans who invited me to share my heart on this topic:

     God knows how to always find us.

     He knows how to find you.

     Often though, we don't want to be found. Not truly.

     Because being found, means being seen.

     And being seen, means being vulnerable.

     And being vulnerable means the pain and the joy, the cracks and the deep crevices of our lives are on display.

     And we've worked so hard to hide them.

     To even hide them from ourselves.

     But He sees us.

     Completely. And Wholly. And without fear of us and all our entanglements.

     And today I was seen.

     It's roughly 3PM and I'm still in bed in my pajamas.

     Let's back track a little.

     My heart has been feeling that something huge-- something big is about to be on the horizon for me very soon. Like my life, in the best possible way is about to be enriched and amended.

     You and I are sensitive to life like that sometimes. Often we just know, when something is about to change before it does.

     Now rarely does the change come as we often perceive or expect, but it's change nevertheless.

     With world events as bleak and strange as they have been these last few weeks, it seems as though my city is in heartache and pain, and somehow bracing for some sort of (other) big impact.

     This plays itself out in short tempers, lots of car honking (beyond the normal), and a general sense of unease and/or paranoia throughout.

     A general lack of love is subsequently trying to pervade.

     But He sees us.

     Last week I battled through 2 back-to-back bouts of food poisoning. #ofcourse

     Immediately, I felt like a boxer in the ring, getting my head, gut and heart pounded on. I was a true staggering mess. When your health is awry, your mind feels assaulted and you just feel like throwing in the towel on so many different levels of life. My heart goes out to those who are battling health issues in this season of life. You feel uncontrollably vulnerable, and often hopeless. But know that you are not fully defeated. And even in such a fight, God's presence is most definitely there. Because it's been written and lived out, that "in our weakness, God's strength is made perfect..."

     He sees us.

     Once the food poisoning episode concluded, a resolve rose in me.

     Last month, I hit a semi-truck and then soon after came these weird bouts of food poisoning.

     Conclusion: Naturally, something great is on the horizon for me.

     How could I say something like that?

     Because of my track record.

     Anytime, I've experienced a beautiful breakthrough of sorts, drama has always preceded it.

     It's as if demonic forces are scared to death of the next level of blessing I'm about to enter into, and try as they must, they attempt to veer me off course with fear and intimidation.

     But I'm not going out like that.

     You're not going out like that.

     God sees us.

     So this morning, I just spent some time talking to God--Thanking Him for the little things, the big things, the sometimes overlooked things (roof over our heads, a toilet that flushes, a bed, etc....)

     But I could sense there was a tender part of my heart I was hoping we wouldn't need to talk about in great detail.

     Romance.....

     You see, seeing myself with the eyes of love, begins with me posturing myself to hear--to pay attention---but first to the eternal Lover of my soul.

     There's a passage in the Bible that says "God has set eternity in the human heart". Ahhhh. I just love that. There's something beyond time as we know it currently now on earth. In fact we can sense it. And the only thing that can satisfy an eternal longing already in our hearts (beyond the earthly love we experience) is the love of an eternal God.

     A key to seeing ourselves through the eyes of love, is to pay attention...

     How else does one learn anything? How does one learn to love? There's always trial and error (and/or regret, I suppose), which is often the long road to being made forced to pay attention. But instead of taking such a road, I simply choose to pay attention, in the now.

     Let me finish that previous key. It's not just in the paying attention, but in paying attention to the way of love unfolding around us.

     Easiest way to find out how love is trying to get our attention. List 10 things that you are thankful for in your life (Go ahead, just think of 10 things mentally--take a minute....I'll be here...).









     Voilà!  You've just paid attention to the Love of God being poured out in your life in specific ways.

     He sees us.

     So He brought up Romance to me.

     And I fidgeted about for about 30 minutes, got online, and tried to avoid the nagging questions...

     "Do you believe, I can....? And do you believe I want to? And do you believe I want this for you?"

     "Sure. Sure I do." I reply to the still small voice. Neither of us being convinced.

     I continue surfing the web.

     You know how one thing leads you to another thing on the internet? It's like going into Target. You start with good intentions.....and then it all goes to crap.....Like when you only plan on checking your email for 10 minutes, but now an hour later,  you've found yourself buying Avenger Christmas stockings on Amazon...How did we arrive here?

     And so it goes.

     I found myself listening to a podcast, which then made me research the people on the podcast, which then led me to a video of one of the people sharing a testimony of how unexpected their miraculous breakthrough came--of how they had to bring before God in prayer, their discouragement and disappoint because the breakthrough didn't come when expected nor did it look like they planned for it to look at first. But yet, they trusted and believed in God's goodness still.

     And true to His word, their breakthrough did come, on God's terms--in the grand scheme of his beautiful story, not simply by means of the limited perspective of man.

     So, I'm hearing this.

     Then all of a sudden the person speaking shifted in their purpose and began to pray for those that are single and feel called to marriage, yet have grown weary in the waiting, and in the timing of things.

     And then this person began to pray an array of restoring and healing words over every listener......

     I cried.

     He found me.

     And He saw me.

     We are always worth being found, beloved. Always worth it to Him.

     Never forget that.

     Remind yourself of that everyday. Even--especially in the midst of heartache and pain. Confess the truth to your heart. And do not fall for a lie.

     The eyes of Love see us first, often before we even see ourselves, or know the true need that we are in.

     God does not just "have" love to give, He IS Love. And He is an endless and eternal supply of such love.

     I'm able to see myself as lovely, because "He first loved us"...

     We were, and are worth being loved in His eyes.

      You are truly Beloved.

     So when I look at my reflection in the mirrors in my car, the store, my house, a person's eyes, I try and let that translate fully to my mind and to my body. That God sees me always and that I am loved.

     I want to pay attention. I want to remind myself that I was made for love, and that I am lovable where ever I happen to place my feet on this earth. Not simply loved and seen through the eyes of love, on my own accord, but rather I am loved with a fiery, passionate eternal Love that can never be quenched and is beyond myself.

     And it is this Love that sees me.

     It is this Love that guides me.

     And that Love looks like something in my life. And I get the honor and privilege of responding to love if I so choose.  To received from it, to drink from it. To allow my actions to be flavored by it.

     And this is the Love that beckons me to take in the kindness of God.

     God is the Kindest One I know.

     And I only become more kind, by being around Him--acknowledging Him, and paying attention to his Kindness. Because He's present. Always.

     With that said, key #2, in seeing yourself through the eyes of love, is being KIND to yourself. To your mind, to your body. Give yourself grace, God already has.

     You'll also find, the more kind you are to yourself, the easier it becomes to be kind and gracious to others. You'll realize more and more, that you and I are not the only ones walking out a treacherous and glorious story...

     He sees us.

     How refreshing to know, that we can always be found.

     Because Love never gives up on us, and never stops looking for us...

Wisdom's Knocking:

“What do you think? If a man has a hundred sheep, and one of them goes astray, does he not leave the ninety-nine and go to the mountains to seek the one that is straying? 

And if he should find it, assuredly, I say to you, 

he rejoices more over that sheep than over the ninety-nine that did not go astray. 

Even so it is not the will of your Father who is in heaven that one of these little ones should perish."

- Matthew 18:12-14