And Then He Gets Restored

      Do you remember that one time when I wrote a letter to my future boo? If not, take a quick glance HERE:

     I just finished reading it and cried. And yes, I do mean that ugly cry. But first, let me back up.

     Contrary to popular belief, I'm still single. I know. #shocking.

     And this past week, I felt the brunt and mockery of my singleness. Meaning, I felt taunted by my own wants and desires. I just felt a bit indifferent to the whole idea of romance. I've been nursing a level 7 crush since January. But the odds of actually connecting in real life with this cute funny man are dumb and just last night, I sort of fell out of like with him. And the crush is barely hanging on. It's more a less a .5 level crush.

     I honestly don't know what happened that caused my affections to switch off so dramatically, but they did. And I'm sure he's a lovely guy, and that we may even be friends, but my heart is not in it like it was.

     And I release again.

     But here I am, ready to mingle, and meet my man, 2 months fresh off of my year long singleness vow and nare a date in sight.

     But wait, one Almost happened...last week, while I was working my last awards show. He was tall, dark and handsome. I was getting all the signals. He was flirting.  And I was curious. But then, hours later, word got out that I was a "youth pastor" in addition to a television freelancer and his intentions shriveled up to about the size of the period that will end this sentence.

     Oh. We're dealing with that again. The good ole intimidation factor. And then I started to get mad at God. "Look, I'm here being a good girl, trying to represent Your goodness, and it's backfiring on me."

     Yes. Now, I do understand the flip side, that in many ways, this is actually God's protection and favor. A screening process of sorts, that only allows the men that could really handle me, get to me and know me truly and wholly. The man that will act as a real man in my life. But you know, when you're in the situation, you don't care about that. You're just hurt. And I was. Hurt.

     Meanwhile, I've been meaning to finish my vision board for the last month. You know, magazine cut out pictures of those things that represent the dreams and desires of your heart taped or glued on a white paper sheet or board. Well, I had plenty of images describing my hopes and desires regarding health, career, and such, but I was having a hard time finding images that fit the romantic dreams of my heart...Until yesterday.

     The Lord is so gracious and kind to us. #reallytho

     This week, as I expressed my frustration to God about my current romantic situation. And God, in His tender fatherly voice to me, would ask me over and over again, "What do you like about him?" This in reference to my previous crush.

     And I would tip toe around the answer, because if I dared to answer, that meant it was real and that I cared and that I would have to have hope. And all those things were too scary for me to engage with once again.

     But that didn't stop Him from asking, "But what do you like about him?" And after about 30 minutes of me trying to avoid the question. I slowly started to answer.

     But that was just the beginning. God had so graciously gotten my heart engaged in the topic. And all of sudden, I started remembering what it was that I really wanted regarding my romance story, regarding my man.

     The conversation became less about this crush and more about the bigger picture of my marriage and our callings.

     And then I remember the couple that I had been adoring from afar for years now. I've pinned their music and pictures on Pinterest and I've even featured them on this blog several times. There was something in the DNA of their relationship that resonated with my heart, it felt like home to me. And I found myself researching photos of them online last night that I could print out and proudly display on my vision board.

     And I did.

     With that said, their photos have now become the first images officially put and displayed on my vision board.

     But then it gets better.

     This morning in the beginning of my quiet time with God. Gratitude began to fill my heart afresh. And I honestly didn't know what I was exactly grateful for. But warm tears kept falling, falling fast down my face.

     And as I tried to compose myself, I continued reading the book of John in the Bible alongside the current accompanying study I've been in for a little over 2 years now.  I've simply been taking my time, and letting God speak to me afresh through His words. And this week, I've finally made it to the last chapter of John.

     This has been a journey my friend.

     I realized that my romance journey was not simply about him, my future boo, but about me, more specifically, about me and God.

     There were levels of restoration that God wanted to do in my heart. And these things needed time. There was just no way of getting around that.  I also always found it interesting and a bit crazy, how the John study that I was in, would always line up with what I was facing in life at the time.

     And today was no different.

     The book of John closes with 2 distinct stories, that are currently changing my life:

1. "The Miraculous Catch"

and

2. "The Restoration of Peter"

     Let it be known that I've always identified with the disciple, Peter. He's such a thug, hard-headed and bold-- ready for adventure, and after the Jesus' crucifixion becomes vividly aware of his need for God in all things.

     I've read the book of John many times in my life, but I've never read it like I have in these last 2 years.

     And upon reading those 2 closing stories back to back, I had an epiphany of sorts.

     It was as if God in His kindness was writing a love letter to Peter...and to me. I didn't see that coming. How far reaching the love of God could really be. How present it always is for us, even in the grand scheme of things.

     And with that, I am realizing again, our dreams and desires are attached to a bigger purpose. Don't be tricked into thinking that it's just about you. It's not.

     This love that we carry, is always pointed outwards. The more we try to hold it selfishly close unto ourselves, we starve it.

     The love that God has blessed me with already--my family, my friends, and my co-workers fills my heart with such deep gratitude on a daily basis. But this morning, my gratitude went deeper.

     I now know why I was crying with such gratitude this morning, before I had even fully begun my quiet time.

     My mind finally caught up with my spirit.

     See, I had known God as the Dream Giver.

     And I had also known God as the Dream Fulfiller.

     But now, today, I know God as the Dream Restorer.

Wisdom's Knocking:

"This is the disciple who testifies of these things, and wrote these things;
and we know that his testimony is true.
And there are also many other things that Jesus did,
which if they were written one by one,
I suppose that even the world itself could not contain
the books that would be written. Amen."

- John 21:24-25