How to Get a Good Girl [Back]

     I did this for you. Or rather for us.

     I'm becoming more and more aware of my target audience. And it feels so good and it feels so right to address you all as Queens.

     But now I'm turning our attention to the Kings...

     I'm a little confounded when men cry out that there's no good women out there, or that all the good women are taken. Rubbish.

     They clearly haven't met you or I.  [Subtle Giggle...#Facts]

     So Fellas, here are some of the very tip-toppy ways to get a good girl on your team, in your life, like real loyal, like the status of a wife....

     (Or for some of you...how to try and win her back...)

Let's Go:

A.  Would You "Woo-Woo-Woo..." #JeffreyOsbourne

     Get your "Woo" skills out.

     Texting and Facebook stalkery is not going to cut it here.

     Show her you want her attention. Be intentional and follow through.

     If you don't have her number, ask for it.

     If you have her number, call her (try not to email or text this whenever possible) and ask her for a date (Coffee date, lunch date, dinner date, 20 min. frozen yogurt date, drinks, etc., etc.) at least 2-3 days in advance. Last minute shenanigans shows a lack of respect for her and her time.

     We as women, love to know what we're in for, especially during the beginning stages of a relationship. And if your being wishy-washy about your Woo-Game, then you might just lose a potential Good Girl...

     If you've dated her in the past, take her to one of her favorite spots.

     And all in all, the art of wooing a woman has a lot to do with listening to her and looking her in her eyes.  Let her express her day, her hopes, her dreams, her disappointments without interruption.

     At the end of your time with her, it should be clear to her that you are saying, "You should be mine...all mine."

Video Link: Jeffrey Osbourne, "You Should Be Mine" 

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B.  Emotionally Invested

     Are you the guy that's been so wounded by women and people that you brood all day and play a guitar all night?

     Is your heart even open for love?

     When you as a man, choose to allow your heart to feel and not only feel, but get emotionally connected to a good girl--your life will never be the same.  #Trust

     She will fill the reservoirs of your heart with joy, encouragement, and hope for your future. She'll make sure you're on the road to reaching your dreams as well as her own.

     When you show an active interest in at least one or two things that your particular Good Girl likes to do, or her work/career grind, she will be one of your biggest cheerleaders in life.

     Furthermore, when you choose to not only invest in her personal endeavors, but to invest emotionally -- sharing your own stories, those stories that have shaped your life, whether trauma or triumph, you're letting your lady know that she's the one you're choosing to share your heart with and you want her to be a significant part of your life.

Video Link: Whitney Houston, "So Emotional"

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C. Compliment Her

     So yeah. That's pretty straightforward....

Video Link: Sam Cooke, "Tenderness"

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D.  Tell it to the World

     Sure, you can make it "Facebook Official", but more importantly, your family and close friends should know when you are really startin' to "feel" a particular Good Girl.

     And yes, there might be haters out there. And haters gon' hate.

     But when your Good Girl sees that you aren't ashamed to tell the world about your love and adoration for her, I can guarantee she's gonna want to stick around for the long run. #TeamLoyal

Video Link: Teddy Pendergrass, "When Somebody Loves You Back"

 +++

Bonus Material:  

     You've noticed she's sultry and cute on Instagram and looks intriguing--even on Facebook, but how do you know she's not crazy? Better yet, how do you know if she's a ride or die, legit "Good Girl?" 

How to Spot a Good Girl: 

+An online presence just isn't' going to cut it. You'll need real life experience for this. 

+You think you've spotted a Good Girl online...Well... as quick as you can, get from the virtual world to the real world. Be brave. Shoot her a message via email, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, etc. BUT be a Gentle-man about yours. And if you two have mutual friends, even better (actually PREFERRED). But start a gentle dialogue online for at least a few weeks. Ask her how her day was, what's she's looking forward to, etc. After a few weeks, if it's wise, safe, and advantageous (for BOTH involved), and she hasn't put the pause or halt on your communication, ask her for a low-key coffee date. The goal is to get from the virtual world to the real world as soon as possible, to find out the Truth: 

+ How does she talk about her friends, people in general -- if she's prone to gossip and see the worst in a given situation. All I have to say to you is: NOPE. 

+Look for the girl who is genuinely encouraging the heck out of the other ladies in the room. 

+Look in your circle of amazing friendships, often we discount our own circle of friends. But get over that awkwardness and take the leap!

+At a coffee shop, notice how your potential crush talks to the barista or cashier.
People are constantly showing you who they really are, we simply have to pay attention...#Selah

Video Link: Aaron Neville, "Tell It Like It Is"

Wisdom's Knocking:

He who finds a wife, finds what is good.
And receives favor from the Lord.

- Proverbs 18:22

Miss Independence

     I've been put into an interesting position of sorts.

     Independently dependent.

     Driving to me has always equaled autonomy and freedom.

     But recently, I've had the inconvenient luxury of having my car breakdown twice in the last few weeks. Leaving me carless for days at a time.

     But this loss of sorts has allowed for a beautiful sense of renewed independence. I'm no longer obligated to be here and there according to the whims of others or even my own whims. And at the same time, I'm humbled.

     I strangely feel like a kid again.

     As you know, God has been inviting me to rest in this season. To give rest and peace to my mind, my body, and my 2014 outcomes.

     But how does one rest in the midst of wrestling with disappointment and pain?

     To be more specific, what's it like being single during the holidays? Many of you already know, but for those that don't know or remember what it's like to be single this time of year, let me give you a quick debrief:

     Being single during the holidays is conflicting at best.

     Yes, I've accomplished goals, I have great family and friends, I've been a champion of sorts in my own life and for others, I make adventure a weekly, if not daily habit, but yet, among the many wins and grateful heart, there's still what feels to be an in-your-face, gaping loss. There's a hole of sorts.

     For someone like me, who is not only in love with the wedding, but marriage itself, and beyond that--a legacy. To be withheld the very thing you feel called to as human, is heartbreaking and aching to say the least.

     And yet, we continue on.

     We write, we design, we dance, we sing, we construct, we put in long hours, we pray.

     Many of us brave and beautiful 21st century single people are ready and willing to love you with our whole heart when we see you. We are ready to find new things to explore, to step out alone in our respective roads of dreams and destiny, we are ready to encourage you in your own promised land, and we wield hope as our weapon of choice.

     Yet inasmuch as one tries to deny it with the activities of a purpose driven life, there's still pain in that place of our hearts that is hoping to hold the hand of the one we love, cherish, and honor solely. The one in which new traditions are intricately and profoundly made.

     The road for us brave single folk, especially during the holidays, tends to get very suspect during the holidays.

     With that said, you'll not be surprised to know that I literally broke down crying in a restaurant yesterday with one of my good friends.

     Like snot-and-tears-crying in a respectable establishment. I cried in my friends arms unashamed for a good few minutes. (Clearly I've found a new level of freedom by forgoing my pride.) And then she began to speak life over me.

     You see, this whole business of "Letting Him Live" (the small man crush I acquired but am now letting go of...and giving it over to God) and remaining hopeful regarding my own love story does take its toll at the most inconvenient of times. #restaurantbreakdowns

     Instead of feeling restful in this season, I've felt whip-lashed and wrung out. I couldn't hold it in anymore. And no one quite understands the pain I'm talking about unless you have been single for quite some time or recently had your heart broken.

     Someone I respect stated that waiting on God to bring about our "One",  is one of the hardest things that we will ever do. Because we are believing God to do something so profound and something we have never seen Him do in our lives ever before and hopefully doesn't need to do again (#butreallythough).

     And so here I am, submitting to the wait.

     Being independent by choosing to be dependent on God.

     I know that God is not cruel, and hasn't placed a desire in our hearts for love and romance with plans to withhold it forever.

     God's track record with me and my life, proves that He is not just a promise maker, but God is also promise Keeper.

     And tonight, I'm feeling freedom in the most vulnerable of ways.

     I'm reminded that I don't control everything, even in an array of opportunities I may create, I on a daily basis must be willing to let go, and let God.

     Independence to me in this holiday season, simply means Trust.

     The one thing that God asked me to do in this season (especially regarding love and romance) was simply to believe.

     So as I believe for my love story, I'm also believing for yours.

     Love is not a finite resource. 

     Even if you're married, have found "the One", or are still waiting, the well of love has not been exhausted for you.

     And I pray that this holiday season, you gain a new sense of independence.

     The type of independence that reminds you of being a kid again--in the best sense.

     That time in our lives when we weren't called to worry over every detail and its manifestation, but to simply live believing we are loved and will always be taken care of ---even the weightier matters of our hearts being taken care of--always.

Wisdom's Knocking:

"And they were bringing even their babies to Him so that He would touch them, but when the disciples saw it, they began rebuking them. But Jesus called for them, saying, “Permit the children to come to Me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child will not enter it at all.”

Luke 18:15-17 (NASB)

"Let Him Live"

     Let me explain.

     I'm waiting.

     I'm waiting ever so patiently for a response from a kind soul.

     He said he would reply.

     And I believe that he will.

     But he hasn't yet.

     But in the meantime, my mind is playing tricks on me, and my heart is concocting crazy stories and scenarios.

     Something happens to us when we are forced to exercise patience. And let me just tell you, it's not always pretty.

     Why am I banking so much on a certain reply...

     Well therein lies my current expectation, of which I'm not quite ready to face.

     Unrequited love/like is the pits, and like you, I've had my fair share.

     It can feel a bit exhausting to believe, to hope, to trust in love just one more time.

     But that's the only way I know how to live.

     Meanwhile, I'm out here trying to follow my own advice, you know, not act thirsty, keep hope alive (even though I haven't dated anyone in over 10 years (not a misprint), and know that I'm a high value type of girl,  through and through--I mean:

     This surge of confidence has come from a variety of kindhearted people who took the time to read, "Excerpts" and expressed to me how much they believe in my own love story unfolding one day soon. Thank you. And Thank you.

     I am still humbled and in awe at how many of my guy friends and male co-workers are so protective of me. I love it. And Guys: When it happens for real for me, you'll be some of the first to know. I promise. And thank you for telling me I'm beautiful. These things don't fall on ungrateful ears. I hold them close.

     So what do I do, while I wait on his reply...

     Well.

     I'm just going to let him live.

     He knows I'm here.

     I know he's there.

     Maybe it's nothing.

     Or maybe it's something.

     And maybe we both know, but are too afraid to say...

Wisdom's Knocking:

“Don't try to rush things: for the cup to run over, it must first be filled.”

 ― Antonio Machado

When You Know What's Coming

     

     In light of the events happening in our nation today, I wanted to be sensitive to this moment in history.

     To be honest, I was unaware of the lingering and monumental tension that had been rising since August of this year regarding Michael Brown. It was a story and a life that garnered a great deal of attention this past summer, but had become overshadowed by new media stories about politics, blizzards, and celebrity on-goings.

     Yes, I had been unaware, yet not fully ignorant. Something within me poised me in front of my living room TV last night around 9PM.  Upon turning my television on, I turned to a local channel. And already there was a "Special Report".

     I knew what I was in for.

     Before anything was set in stone from the man giving his detailed written speech regarding this special case, I already began to gently weep.

     "This doesn't feel right..."

     And then in the haze of the speech, as if brushed over like a comma or an incidental pause, the fate of a nation's true unrest was now given reason to manifest.

     And now there are so many opinions, but mostly broken hearts and severed spirits.

     But as heavy and thick as this all is, to my own surprise, I am not surprised that this tension has erupted and manifested in our country. Most already knew it was coming.

     As a Black woman, I may seem less of a threat to certain authority figures, and it's true, I have not experienced the type of racism my father has or my brothers have being male and being Black.

     But instead of becoming embittered and jaded by the plethora of newsfeeds out there, I'm simply forced to ask myself, what is the 'Higher Way' in all of this? What is the more Excellent Way?

     These ways don't just start with the broad overview of life and appear only at protests, but instead come to hit us at the ground level. The small choices we make on a daily, which then in turn lead to the bigger picture.

     Many people are frustrated trying to understand (or not understand) the place of injustice in all of this.

     But just picture yourself going through your own daily injustices. How do we react?

     When someone cuts us off on the highway, when someone lies about your character, when someone cheats you out of money. Frustration ensues to the say the least.

     But now imagine the stakes are a bit higher, someone hurt your mother, your father, or your child.

     Injustice is such a fiery tool and instigator.

     But yet, we as Believers are called to a more excellent way, because a more excellent way was extended to us in love, while we were boldly against or indifferent to such a love from God pursuing us.

     This excellent way doesn't leave us a decorative doormats, but instead gives us wisdom for the season (how to move forward in love, compassion, and forgiveness while being intentional for positive change) and gives ultimate jurisdiction--the final word to God.

     It may seem crazy to you, but I've personally seen the justice of God rise up on my behalf throughout my life. Therefore, the ability to believe that God is about justice and dispenses it in due time is not hard for me to believe at all.

     The end of this story is not in the unrest, but in the healing that is meant to come to this nation.

     Moreover, it's interesting to me, a friend of mine is in the movie, "Selma", which is set to open this year on Christmas Day.

     The process of this film has been years in the making, and we all didn't quite understand the many delays it encountered year after year.

     None of us really knew what the cultural climate would be when this film would finally premiere.

     And alas, here we are, needing a voice of hope, a voice of promise, a voice a triumph from heaven to once again speak identity over this unique nation with such a tumultuous and rich legacy.

     With that said, I've watched this "Selma" trailer several times:

     Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x6t7vVTxaic


     And it has become clear to me, this movie was never just about being a biopic about Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., but it is also meant to remind us all, of who we could be, and who we are meant to be even in the midst of heartbreak, injustice, and hope deferred.      

Wisdom's Knocking:

"Do not let yourself be overcome by evil, but overcome (master) evil with good."

- Romans 12:21

Guest Post: "Chase This Light With Me"

      Navigating the terrain of singlehood in this day and age is full of twists and sharp turns. And trusting in the goodness of God and the multitude of promises spoken over our lives in the midst of such changes is difficult to say the least. 

     One thing I've realized about myself, is that I'm better equipped and prepared to step into new seasons of life by taking the time to process old and current seasons-especially through the writings in this blog.

     We've hit a theme of sorts in my last blog post, "Excerpts". And I decided that we needed to revisit this revelation that we are fearfully and wonderfully made. And no matter where you are in life, you are worthy of love.

     My good friend and sister in spirit, Bethany Mossburg, is bold and fiery, intelligent and tender. She sent one of her journal entries to me a week ago to simply share her heart. After reading, I knew her writing wasn't just meant for me, but it was meant for you too. I ever so graciously asked if I could share it with you. And thankfully she obliged...


So from Bethany's personal journal to your eyes and heart, "Chase This Light With Me":

     "Tonight, I went running with a friend. As I am currently in the throes of training for both a half and full marathon from veeeeeery little running, it's quite the task to attempt running (and this is only week two). After a very active day, I changed and walked down the street to my neighbor's home. He, a younger brother-like figure to me, was waiting, headphones in and ready to roll. We began moving at a jogger's pace, moving through cul-de-sacs and around bends, occasionally sprinting and then slowing to a walk. But I found myself struggling - my body tensing up and my lungs getting tight. And I knew why.

     Mentally, this run was going to be one of the hardest of my training, and it wasn't because it required much physically. Oh no. THIS was going to be a mental game. A deep mental game. Why?

     Because the last time I went running with someone else - and more specifically, a man - was over a year ago with my ex, "Mr. Man."

     The issue in question had little to do with Mr. Man, really, but rather carried the gravity of our last run encounter. You see, Mr. Man IS a runner. It's what he does. He does it with friends, he does it alone. Mr. Man...is THAT guy, who every other day, like clockwork, hits the pavement in the wee hours of the morning.

     Frankly...I liked that guy. The dedication was a thing of beauty to me. The commitment and, dare I say, calling to one foot in front of the other...even now, I value it. But in that run together - our first as a couple - I found a very deep principle that echoed into our relationship in so many ways:

     Mr. Man would find a way to get his distance in, even if it meant leaving me behind.

     As a less experienced runner (and at the time, someone coming off of a harsh chest cold), in my mind, he had every right to leave me. He wasn't hurtful, but he was silent about my skill (or lack thereof). He wasn't mean, but didn't encourage me either. And as a person who loves words - who allows them to give shape, reason, and meaning to her world - the silence was deafening.

     When he left me to "meet me on the other side of the lake", I thought nothing of it. But last night, it all became stingingly clear: I was waiting for Luke, my friend and brother, to leave me too, because I simply wasn't going to be enough.

     My lungs grew weaker.
   
     My knees started to pull "steadiness" out of the vocabulary of my step.

     My heart started aching.

     And I stopped, breathlessly, to GET IT TOGETHER enough to not seem noticeable.

     Luke, feeling the change (as all good friends do), pulled his headphones out and waited for me to speak. "I'm just tired," I said, hoping to guise my internal monologue of defeat. (Logically, tapping out before someone walks out on you feels better...right? ...Right?)

     "I know, but you can do this. Let's do it together, okay? Just...ten more minutes that you have to do!"

     Look. I'd seen the clock. I knew this man was trying to push me past myself by quite a chunk of time. And for whatever reason, I rolled with it, lungs collapsing and heart bleeding.

     "Okay. Yes. Okay," I said.

...

     Seven minutes of steady jogs and one or two walking breaks later, we were turning a corner when Luke said, "Let's book it all the way back to my house, and then I'll walk you home!"

     "Luke, that's a hill. Can't we start at the truck? Or the other house?"

     "Nope. Come on. No compromise. You can do this. We can do this."

     And there it was.

     The magic word.
     
     "We."

     I started running, and crying a little, and running a little more. I could feel the rain smacking my face, with every drop of resistance the weight of a semi truck against my psyche. But I could see him beside me. I could see his arms moving with mine, his steps paced with mine. And then came the final sprint home.

     "I can't!" I shouted loudly into the street.

     "You CAN! We CAN!" He shouted back.

     And so, like giving birth to a new life, I screamed and pushed myself hard, thudding my tennis shoes onto the pavement and praying for the end to come soon.

     And suddenly. We were home.

...

     As promised, Luke walked me to my house.

     I explained a little of what had happened for me, and he explained that it was his pleasure to be there for me like that - to help in the redefinition of that moment.

     I went into my home, and started the shower water. Surely, that was enough for one night.

     But the Lord is rarely interested in what we deem "enough to function" and far more interested in the fullness of our hearts being restored and recovered.

     In the shower, I cried. And couldn't stop crying. The depth of the uprooted wound had left me feeling a need for gentleness and kindness to come like a salve over my heart and wash through the cracked spaces.

     The Lord started to speak. "Bethany, my love, it's time to let go of the man who left you behind for his own gain, and it's time to let go of the man who left you behind just to prove himself to you," which, that second one is a more recent love-gone-awry tale of insecurity marring a relationship to fractures and fragments. I sobbed.

     "What do I do, then. How do I do that?"

     "When you get out of the shower, take your oil, cream, and perfume. Put them on."

     Now, I have a bottle of oil, a perfumed body lotion, and an actual perfume that are all meant to be worn together. They each smell of different things, but are meant to marry into one. They're expensive. I wear them only on special occasions. And I am running out.

     "But I'll be showering in the morning for work..."

     "I know that. But you're worth it, Bethany. Let Me reanoint you here. Let me cover you with salve and heal your heart. Let yourself be beautiful for no one but you and Me. YOU are the special occasion now."

     And so I did. I sat on my floor, obediently, and spent my costly perfume on myself. I watched the bottle empty down as I went, hearing His heart, and feeling my value.

     Last night reminded me of something: my value doesn't come from me. My worth is not determined by me, or a standard that I uphold for myself. My value doesn't come because Maya Angelou said it or because Ray Charles sang "You Are So Beautiful". My value comes from my heavenly Father.

     I'm worth keeping step with - not being left behind.

     I'm worth confident, self-assured love - not being abandoned to make a point & live in fear.

     I'm worth the most expensive perfumes - because they aren't wasted on me.

     But not because I said so. Because He said so.

     Because it WAS so before the foundations of the earth.

     And because I trust Him, I believe Him."

-----

     So Beloved, what will you believe today? 

     Often walking in the light involves a pursuit and an exchange of sorts. My interpretation of Bethany's post title, "Chase This Light With Me" took on a double entendre form for me:

     The burdens of our own insecurities become heavy, but when we look up at God's heart for us--Christ's love extended towards us ("The Light"), He makes our load "Light". It's not simply a hope, but a promise.

     We, in and of ourselves suffer great limitation. And I personally can attest to those many moments in life where my own strength and intellect ended, yet where Love's strength arose in me and around me.

     And all of this, as a result of chasing and pursing the "Light", the truth of who we are in God. And embracing the enormity of who He is and what He has already done for us.

     On top of that, believing and knowing, that as you chase the Light, the Light has already been chasing you...

Wisdom's Knocking:

  Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy-laden and overburdened, and I will cause you to rest. [I will ease and relieve and refresh your souls.]

Take My yoke upon you and learn of Me, for I am gentle (meek) and humble (lowly) in heart, and you will find rest (relief and ease and refreshment and recreation and blessed quiet) for your souls.

 For My yoke is wholesome (useful,good—not harsh, hard, sharp, or pressing, but comfortable, gracious, and pleasant), and My burden is light and easy to be borne.


--Matthew 11:28-30 Amplified Bible (AMP)

Excerpts

I.

     I haven't written to you in a while. And I miss you.

     My heart is full and tired at the same time.

     These past few weeks have been something else.

     Experiencing the highs of the highs and the lows of the lows---and let's not forget about the painful in-betweens.

     I'm in a season of my life where I'm stepping out more, taking more risks when it comes to ministry, my career, and of course love.

     For those that don't know, I recently took a huge leap by appearing on a faith-based dating reality show. I can't share much more than that at present, but let's just say, I faced some personal fears of mine (being seen, being vulnerable, and truly accepting myself as high value and worthy) in a greater way and in exchange gained a new sense of courage in the process of it all.

     After my appearance on the show, I personally felt invincible in the realm of love.

     I hope to always believe.

     I hope to always believe that there is more of love to be discovered, that we have not exhausted the well of love that has been shown to us.

     After this great high of feeling invincible and brave, I stepped out in the area of "almost" romance hoping my vulnerability and risk would pay off. He was kind and keen. And I was resting in child-like faith.  We were both strangers to one another, but the potential all seemed there. And then it wasn't.

     It's funny how something is almost a thing, and then just like that, its not. It's feels like a violent earthquake of sorts, where things are shaken firmly and aggressively back into some other place and position. Like a child being yanked by the hand to walk in a new direction.

     And there I was again. In a place of familiar pain and disappointment.

     But the pain wasn't crippling this time, it just hurt.

     In the past, my identity was so wrapped up in a handsome man finding me attractive or choosing me. Yet time and time again, I was never chosen. And it all felt like a cruel joke to me.

     Until God's love began to unveil a lie that I had been believing about myself for years: That I wasn't and never would be enough or worthy for someone I considered out of my league. Nor would such a person want to invest in my life and my love. 

     But God was truly trying to tell me over and over again, that I am enough.

     Even when I'm rejected by people or by men that I think I adore from afar. I am still enough.

     I am still worthy.

     And with that said, I'm realizing more and more that I'm worth investing in. Just as you are worth investing in.

     Often, we as females, are so quick to give our hearts and our nurturing capabilities away to the first guy who says hello. But has he invested in you? Has he invested in the things that are important to your life at all. As much as you know about his friends, his likes, his favorite movies, his favorite websites--has he once invested his interest in yours?

     All that to say, I gave my heart away a little too soon in the Land of Potential--in the Land of Hoping when it came to this particular guy. And now I don't know how to feel about the situation, but what I do know, is that I was not invested in, which is a hint and indicator at best of the trajectory of such a friendship and relationship...

II.

     And then we have the unexpected revelation that I received last week in the middle of my car ride back from work.

     The "Accuser" doesn't fight fair. 

     I know this sounds like basic Christianity 101 (Satan is referred to as the "Accuser of the brethren" in Revelation--That's a part of his M.O.)  but let me break down one key point that hit my spirit with such force.

     I, like you, have been fighting the voice of the "Accuser", almost my entire life. Especially regarding this issue of not feeling worthy or being enough.

     My desire for approval from men and my habit of always permission (often out of fear and not always out of honor) becomes fuel for the voice of the Accuser to be amplified in my life.

     And it hit me in the car last week, that I've been trying to fight accusations with accusations.

     Meaning, I was trying to fight like the Accuser fights, using his own ammo: Fighting anger with anger (which only empowered him more). But at the time of such heated internal debates (or visibly outward circumstantial disappointments) , it was always a mystery why I left such cage fights with him exhausted, scared, and defeated.

     But God reminded me of His heart--of His heart of love and how He always wins.

     This may not hit your spirit in the same way it hit mine, but I was Amazed and a little Thunderstruck that the way to defeat the voice of the Accuser was not in the fighting back, but in the being loved and knowing you are loved. 

     That in essence IS the fighting. Being loved. And allowing yourself to be loved. You know why? Because you are worthy. Yes. We went back to that theme again. But I know you see the connection.

     Furthermore, when love empowers you to fight, there is less striving and much more ground taken in terms of victory for our own heart's sake.

     Subsequently,  I was also reminded this past week, that Gentleness is actually a Fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22).

     But really though. That gift right thurrr is a weapon. (Proverbs 15:1...)



III.

     On Tuesday, one of my best friends moved to another country. And I then I spent 40 minutes crying my eyes out like a crazy person as I drove on the 101 Freeway.

     One chapter ends, yet the novel still continues.

     She and I have chased dreams together, seen dreams realized, seen utter defeat, the valley of the shadow of the death. And we have been in the fight together for over 10 years. I have shared some of the most transformative moments of my life with her: film school, producing documentaries together, traveling the globe, writing scripts together, weeping together, laughing together, praying together, living and being family.

     This move marks something profound for both of us.

     It is a good thing. Trust me.

     But there are still tears.


IV.

     So as you can see, I've been fighting and paddling and fighting and paddling--making a bit of headway, albeit slow.

     But tonight, it became apparent-- Just rest Patrice. Rest.

     Not just in the movement of my own day to day life, but in the tender vulnerable moments before bed and when I wake up. And when I'm in a crowd of people and feel the enormity of my own humanity. Rest.

     Love calls for us to be in that place.

     We are so incredibly loved already. Right where we sit and stand.

     We are but dust, but still a little higher than the angels.

     Everything is changing.

     And you'll be glad it is.

     There may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning.

     For me these past few weeks, I've had butterflies in my stomach, and hot tears streaming down my face.

     But in the midst of it all, I still believe.

     I believe that God is good, God is faithful, and God is kind. And I know He calls us worthy to receive the everyday beauty of who He is.

Wisdom's Knocking:

His love changes everything.

What I'm Into

     Some things have stirred my heart as of late and I needed to share them with you:

Music:

     You+Me (Dallas Green & Alecia Moore...A.K.A. "Pink")

     Wait. So this album isn't meant to be a worship album? Because this album has been ministering to my SOUL.

     And I would almost NEVER EVER suggest someone do a cover of the ever so perfect Sade. Just don't. Unless you are You+Me.

    Dallas & Alecia weeeeeent there. And I'm so glad they did. I Completely co-sign on this cover.

Video Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XejdcHDxNlc

Here are three more favorites I have from this album:

"You and Me":

Song Link - http://grooveshark.com/s/YouandMe/709CYP?src=5

"Break the Cycle":

Song Link - http://grooveshark.com/s/08+Break+The+Cycle/71SuQf?src=5

"Gently":

Song Link - http://grooveshark.com/s/03+Gently/71SuA6?src=5




Society Things:

TheSkimm.

     Look, it's important to know what's going on in the world. Even if you abhor traditional news (I can relate.) But in order to invest in the lives of others, it's key to know the important matters connected to their hearts and their world (and our own). Plus, we can get so beautifully reminded (without overwhelming fear) that the world doesn't simply revolve around our own goals, our own streets, and our own friends.

     The way in which founders of TheSkimm (who happened to be 2 women) curate the news is unlike anything that I've read. I was also ecstatic about how humor was incorporated without diminishing the integrity and non-partisan view of the stories they told.

     And wouldn't you know it, weeks after I had posted how much I loved TheSkimm on my Facebook blog page, telling my readers they should check it out-- not just because it's new and fresh, but because it was trailblazing something new and needed, non other than Oprah Winfrey begins endorsing TheSkimm:

     So without further ado, if you want to check out what comes into my personal inbox 5 days a week (5 days, not 7 days...because they don't want to bombard us with news on the weekend...Thank You Very Much.) Then, you can click here to get a taste of what I'm talking about: TheSkimm Link.


Legacy:

     Last, but definitely not least.

     Ladies, there are still Phenomenal men out there that you have NEVER met. I promise.

     And men, there are still Amazing women out there that you never knew existed.

     I was encouraged last week by stumbling across a blog post written by a friend of mine. He was one of the contributing authors of this website titled, "The Good Fight".

       

     Check out the motto to this website:

"Come with us on this journey. Make a difference to the people in your world. Be that strength that they need. Choose to turn weaknesses into strengths. Envision the type of husband and father you want to be. Envision the kind of legacy you want to leave. Honestly ask yourself what the best version of you looks like and make a decision that THAT is worth fighting for."     

     Wait. Did this man person just say words like, "envision" and "legacy"?! And is he making a declaration to fight for that publicly? Excuse me mister, who are your friends?? And can I begin dispensing them out to all my single lady friends tomorrow?? Is it too soon??...

        Similarly, there's a website titled: Good Guy Swag --Yes. Good Guy Swag. Be still my beating heart.

    

      Articles that one might find on this particular website geared towards guys are: "21 Lost Gentleman Traditions That Still Apply Today",  "75 Ways to Become a Better Man", and "7 Characteristics of Intentional Dating"...

     UM. YES. PLEASE. AND AMEN.

     So today is not the day to be discouraged, Beloved.

     But rather, today is the day to connect and reconnect with the passions God has placed in your heart. And to simply believe that all you've seen and heard (especially the negative reports) regarding men and women, is not all there is.

     Match that faith with action. And truly become the best version of yourself in this season of life. The version of yourself that is full of God's heart and glory. One that exudes the attributes of Christ. Because as you run the race as if to win, you'll find someone who just happens to be running the same race come alongside you at an incredibly opportune and divinely orchestrated moment.

     You are worth the wait.

     You always have been.

     It was never just about today. It was always about legacy...

 

Wisdom's Knocking:

"They say everything it happens for a reason 

You can be flawed enough, but perfect for a person 

Someone who will be there for you when you fall apart 

Guiding your direction when you're riding through the dark, 

Oh that's you and me"

- You+Me

White Boys & D'Angelo

     

     Sooooooo, this post is mostly written for Tiffany, Cousin Brandi, Toya, and Tia. But I do hope you enjoy reading it as well. xo

+++

     So apparently, my most popular board on Pinterest is my "The Land of Milk and Honey" board.

     I never really set out to start an interracial love story board per se. I just started "pinning" images that struck a chord with my heart. And before I knew it, most of these images of what I considered beautiful love and a reflection of the type of love story I wanted to have, happen to be images of Black women with White men.

     I remember being in high school, and having a crush on this White guy named....Let's call him "Billy".  I was bold and brazen even back then. And I told Billy through a serious of random classroom notes (The era of pre-cell phone texting...) I happened to have a crush on him.

     And what did our precious Billy say to me. Or rather to a friend of mine. "I believe mixing races is wrong. So that's that." And that ladies and gentlemen, was the end of that crush.

     But unbeknownst to me a weird seed of self-hatred and insecurity nicely nuzzled itself into the deep crevices of my heart.

     I had an almost idealistic upbringing and an amazing schooling experience with almost every nation represented. My mom used to call my friendship circle: The United Colors of Benetton. But I had never encountered blatant racism in such a way until that fateful day with Billy.

     Now, today we see an array of beautiful interracial couples, but that was not the case when I was in high school. And the thought of a Black girl being with a White guy seemed rare and unattractive to many.

     It wasn't until I went to Paris in 2000 with one of my best friends, that my mind was blown. I was seeing interracial couples everywhere! It was like an interracial utopia made up of so many different races. But what was really blowing my mind was that I was seeing so many different types of beautiful Black women with a variety of White French men. I was convinced I wanted to move to Paris for that reason alone.

      Because you see, it spoke to something deep in my identity. And it brought healing in the most unexpected way. I felt validated somehow.

     I've always been attracted to a variety of men, but those that I'm most drawn to and seem to have the most in common with happen to be White.

     And so, when I started this board on Pinterest, I treated it like a vision board and didn't take much thought to what I was pinning, I just wanted it to flow and be fun...until a Black lady friend of mine said,  "I love your milk and honey board! It's for girls like us right? For those of us who love White boys."

     And without skipping a beat and honestly with complete contrast to every other intention I wanted to mention, I simply said, "Yep. Yes it is."

     At first, I couldn't believe what came out of my mouth. For some reason, I felt a little ashamed and a little confused. Like I somehow exposed a secret too soon. Because my mind hadn't caught up with my heart until that point.

     But then I realized what I had been doing all along, in a bit of subconscious way. Thus, I decided to own it fully via my Pinterest page. And I'm glad I did.

     So years after my high school experience with "Billy", there are tons of blogs, Tumblr pages, dating sites, websites, and Pinterest pages that strictly focus on relationships between Black women and White men. And how beautiful people think that they are. And I find it all quite fascinating, especially the fact that my own little Pinterest page is just one of hundreds.

     So just recently, within the last month, I started Netflexxing (It means what you think it means) the show, "Hart of Dixie". Long story short, it's MY NEW JAM. (And for those die hard "Hart of Dixie" fans, yes, I'm late to the party, I know.)

     The premise: "New Yorker and new doctor Zoe Hart accepts an offer from a stranger, Dr. Harley Wilkes, to work in his medical practice in Bluebell, Alabama. She arrives to find he has died and left half the practice to her in his will." - credit: imdb.com

     And I was just minding my business, you know, watching the show when character, Wade Kinsella has a new arc in his story line and I was like, um, Hi-hello. Who are you?? Why have I never seen you before, like really seen you?!

     The actor who plays Wade, is none other than: Wilson Bethel

   

     Yes. Let's pause for a moment of silence.

     According to my stalkery research he was also on some other prominent shows, but I had no idea who he was until last month.

     Side note: Nothing gets me more in life than a guy that listens to 90s R&B, dances like a thug, has good shoe game, uses the word unequivocally correctly, and/or can quote something from the movie "Coming to America".  And if this guy happens to be White...Uh-ohhh.

     So during that night of "research" on Wilson Bethel, I came across this old tweet:

This is D'Angelo covering Smokey Robinson last night. Which is another way of saying Heaven is Real. pic.twitter.com/VGGa1uDj — Wilson Bethel (@WilsonBethel) September 10, 2012

     Wait. I'm sorry what? Did you just say D'Angelo?

     Nope. I Cannot.

     Everything about that tweet was just next level. Tiffany, Brandi, Toya and Tia know exactly what I mean.

   When I started this post, I was simply going to state the discovery of Wilson's amazing taste in music. But instead, like my writing often does, I ended up taking a major detour and giving you some backstory on my life.

     But at the end of the day, if you take anything from this post, it's this: Be brave in matters of love. Let the past go. And be willing to start fresh, to take risks, and to learn from your failures.

     And in the end, if someone rejects you, we all know it's their loss.

     But again, I urge you, be brave in love, just one more time. Your love story and life journey may look differently than you thought it could or would. But be brave.

     And of course, you can't always judge a book by its cover. People can still surprise you....even in the very best of ways...

     Wisdom's Knocking:

“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.”

- e.e. cummings

   

   D'Angelo Video Link:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JAfuUZRou7g

   

You Have a Tenderness Within You

     

     Like you, I often find myself wandering the open seas of the internet--you know, just because.

     But in my wandering, or as I liked to call it, my unintentional searching, I always seem to stumble upon some underplayed, yet life changing gold of sorts.

     It's that moment when you think to yourself: how did I previously live without ever reading, seeing, or hearing this very gem of culture and life?!

     And so it happened one fateful day, in my mindless internet behavior I came across images taken by the photographer, Rog Walker and I was moved.

     Subsequently, I've been holding his images like a feather--or rather like a single lone, loose diamond in my clammy right hand.

     I wasn't ready to share, not just yet.

     But then words came to my spirit earlier this week. Words meant only for you. And the only images that I wanted to marry to these words, were the images and photography of Rog Walker.

     So I reached out to Rog, for both our sakes. "Our" meaning you dear reader and myself. So that we might learn something much more significant about ourselves in the days ahead.

     And yes, I also reached out to Rog to honor the man. I didn't want to merely strip images from a website. I wanted him to know that I would tread far more lightly, like one dancing the waltz--gliding with precision and humility.

     So it goes. He appeared even more lovely than I could have ever imagined via our brief email exchange. And he has granted me permission to share his images with you.

     Thank you for indulging me in this small preface. But it was important to me.

But now, I want to remind you of something.

Something that you may have forgotten.

You may have just forgotten.

Or you may not even remember when you have forgotten.

But nevertheless, it has been forgotten.

You have a beautiful tenderness within you.

You still possess fire.

You still take someone's breath away.

You, yes you, are still loveable.

I don't know why and when everything had to get so complicated.

Growing up is so hard to do.

But you are becoming.

She is becoming.

He is becoming.

We are becoming.

Don't let the hardness of the way, make you cold and bitter and hard.

Open yourself up.

Let that tenderness seep through the cracks of your eyes and your skin and your ears.

You were once full of childlike laughter.

But somehow you've been robbed.

Even so, you know what.

I was once robbed, but someone literally mailed my stolen wallet back to me.

This is a true story.

So your heart won't be lost for long.

Your heart will not remain broken.

I can dream for the both of us tonight.

And I'll believe--I'll believe that the tenderness within you will be met with great affection, adoration, and adulation.

Because you are...so much more than you know.

Wisdom's Knocking: 

It is not tenderness that makes you weak, 

but rather bitterness that makes you brittle.

Photo Credit: Rog Walker

Tantrum

     

   
     I was at a wedding and saw this girl act so incredibly rude and a bit stank.

     Most people shrugged it off, but I was amazed that someone had the cojones to be so bold about their own wants and complaints during someone else's big day.

     For some reason her own pain was causing her to implode and say and do things that were just down right rude.

     For a moment, I was like, "Um, you do realize you said that out loud, right?...You do realize we are at a wedding, like where other people can hear you? And you do know that this is not your wedding?"

     Our immaturity and tantrums are often coddled by our fair-weather friends, yet challenged by our real friends and family.

     And then we either decide to ignore them or isolate ourselves so we don't have people "Telling us what to do."

     Newsflash: They're not simply trying to tell you what to do, but rather, how to be a kind and tolerable human being we actually want to be around and can trust.

     Do we realize how ugly and unattractive we look as human beings when we throw tantrums.

     I mean, it's funny/annoying when a 2 year old does it. But now imagine how you look...

     You do know that you're not the only one who has ever gone through rejection, pain, and disappointment.

     And yet, some people learn to go through these valleys in the Gene Kelly way:

     And then some people develop a habit of going through the valleys the Ratchet-Sheneneh way:

     If I'm honest, my current tantrum rating is somewhere in the middle...

+++

     My response to rude girls and boys that throw tantrums at other peoples weddings, parties, graduations, and other outings in public:  Don't be a selfish son of a ........hurting person.

     If you are known to throw adult tantrums on the regular, let me help you out.

     Because soon, no one is going to want to be around you. And then you'll be surrounded by fake friends and wonder where the heck all your real friends went and how your life spiraled...

     When you feel a tantrum coming on in a public setting:

     Be big enough to first hush your mouth. Stop spewing garbage. And go take a breather. If someone asks what's wrong, just let them know (Without attitude, thank you very much) that you needed to take a little bit of a breather, but you'll be fine.

    If you're in the presence of a true trusted friend, be vulnerable and tell them what's really irking you. Is it that fact that you've been wanting to be married all your life, and the one friend who vowed they'd never get married or didn't care if they did, is now married and in a blissful state of existence and you find yourself hurt--worse than hurt...somehow betrayed.

     I know. I get it. Please believe.

     But being a in a tantrum isn't going to change anything for you.

     Choosing to be kind and forgiving towards yourself and others will change things, and inevitably help in an effort to be kind and relatable to those around you.

    And lastly, sometimes you just need to laugh about it.

    Don't take yourself so seriously. And when you find yourself on the verge of having a tantrum, just know, that this too shall pass.

    Plus, laughing about it all is a much hotter look than that of the tantrum.

    Little redirected moments like this help us learn how to be kind and thoughtful human beings.


      To the girl at that wedding: I understand. Your moment of selfishness and pain blinded you. Nevertheless, your tantrum was stupid. But thank you for giving me good blog material. xo

Wisdom's Knocking:

“Temper tantrums, however fun they may be to throw,
rarely solve whatever problem is causing them.” 

-- Lemony Snicket, Horseradish

In Hiding

     We try so hard to fake the funk.

     We want to give the constant illusion that we're okay, even though something is rumbling and wrestling within our skin, right underneath the surface.

     And then we snap at the most inopportune times.

     I could feel myself wanting to hide. I'm in a season of transition, and I have a feeling many of you are too.

     With that said, I've made the choice to transition out of youth ministry in the summer of 2015. This was in no way a result of any drama going down at my church or me being tired of teenagers. In fact there were many tears shed on my part to even consider such a move--such a transition.

     The decision was made in love. Because you see, I wasn't running from something, but rather running towards something.

     I'm pretty vocal about the fact that I'm about being married and having a family one day. And I knew, the pace of life that I was living wasn't going to leave room for either marriage or family to truly exist and thrive in my life.

     It's becoming clearer and clearer to me that one of my main callings in life is to cultivate family. That's why I love pastoring. Because I get to be a mama every week and love young thirsty hearts with God's love.

     Therefore, my heart is always to pastor, it will just take on a different form in the seasons to come. And you'll still find me at my local church on any given Sunday, ready to give you a hug, a listening ear, cry with you, laugh with you, or simply pray with you.

     Youth ministry has been my life for over 10 years. It was a call that I was drawn to at an early age and in many ways effortlessly transitioned into in my twenties and thirties.

     But now, seasons are changing.

     Without such labels, I'm struggling a bit to understand who I am now at this stage of the game.

     Taking off one coat makes you feel a bit defenseless...until your other coat arrives.

     The natural reaction once that initial coat comes off is to run, and to run as fast as you can!

     The time passing between one coat leaving and another so firmly wrapping itself around your body feels no less than an eternity.

     But stand your ground.

     We love labels. We love knowing where we stand.

     But I think we can gain a new appreciation for labels, by sitting in the moment of unrest and not running.

     It's like you don't know what you really have until you experience the opposite.

     Plus my personal favorite, "wherever you go, there you are."

     And whatever it is you might be trying to outrun is most likely connected to your own heart first--An undealt with issue within your own heart and skin that needs attention; and needs to be taken care of first, before a new season and chapter of your life can fully emerge.

     Have you heard of that song, "Deliver Me" originally by the British group, The Beloved and later covered by Sarah Brightman, and then David Crowder?

     Well, I LIVED off of that David Crowder version from 2003-2006.

     David Crowder turned what appeared to be a unique love song, into a mystical and beautiful worship song, of a heart crying out to God as well.

     It spoke so deeply to me. To my core, like down to my toes.

     I would spend some mornings just looping that song over and over, while I lay on the floor of my bedroom weeping before God. Trying to grasp the fact that I was worth being loved, being known, being seen, being respected.

     "All of my life, I've been in hiding..."

     I find that courage often comes by way of love.

     Love makes us come out of our shells.

     But it's not enough to love others.

     Or to fake the funk so well, that everyone and their mom thinks you're pretty darn okay and doing quite well for yourself.

     It's also learning how to love and honor yourself in the process.

     And when the coat is off, it feels as though Love has abandoned us. But Love hasn't. No. Not at all.

     It's just that---a new coat is arriving, one tailored made for the new journeys ahead.

     Loving yourself in this process has a lot to do with simply being honest. And letting the truth really hit you where it counts: In your heart, your motives, and your actions.

     Look, just be honest.

     And if you ever find yourself at unrest and/or trying to run, admit that you're in hiding.


     Because when you do, that's the very moment you're ready to be found. 

Wisdom's Knocking:

"Deliver me out of the sadness

Deliver me from all the madness

Deliver me courage to guide me

Deliver me Your strength inside me

All of my life

I've been in hiding

Wishing there was someone just like You

Now that You're here

Now that I've found You

I know that You're the One to pull me through"

-- Jon & Helena Marsh, "Deliver Me"

-- 

To hear the David Crowder version of "Deliver Me":

Link: http://grooveshark.com/s/Deliver+Me/4fq95T?src=5