It often takes a bit of time to find a rhythm.
Especially when you feel as though the song is still being formed.
But the song is being formed....
I feel as though each year sings something profound and distinct over you and me. Something to make us bolder, to make us stronger, to make us kinder. But it usually isn't until December 31st of any given year, that I learn to sing the song myself with full conviction.
You've probably read in some of my recent blog posts, that I've felt a little upside down pre- my move back to LA, during my move to LA, and after my move to LA. My emotions were all over the place. Surprise, surprise. And my usual MO would be to grab onto the nearest man-crush and to use that subject matter as some sort of potential anchor for my soul.
It's just easier to grab onto something external, tangible, you know, like a "Smell Blankie" ---- Wait. Was I the only one who had one of these as a child?? I never sucked my thumb, but I smelled the heck out of my baby blanket until about age 8. TMI?
Like I was saying, it's just easier to gravitate towards some sort of thumb sucking placating smell blankie, and I realized more than ever this year, that my smell blankie was man-crushes, potential husband-boos (Yes, even though I'm on a singleness vow...I know. Shameless). It felt comforting in some sort of way to have something, someone, or some scenario to fawn over. And yes, I know you're dying to know: Yes, I'm still single. No kissies. No cuddlies. Although...I did get my profile ready on a Christian dating site, to possibly be in full effect in 2014. And I was sorta asked out at work, in a weird way, but I, in an even weirder way dodged that bullet. Yeah...Let's move on.
So, I'm not gonna lie. At times in the last few months, I was a bit panicked, but it somehow became easier these last few months to quickly chose to trust in the goodness of God over my own feelings and circumstances, rather than go down the pathway of fear and despair. And now, finally, the dust is beginning to settle and I'm slowly beginning to hear the song again.
I can barely make out the chords, let alone hear all the lyrics, but the rhythm is becoming a bit more steady to my heart.
I think this year's song is about making Right Turns, you know, breaking the cycles, and truly stepping into something new. Key phrase here: Breaking the cycles.
I realize now, that I'm not exactly ready for the new, until I truly let go of the old.
I loved that smell blankie. I mean loooooved it. But I knew I couldn't take it with me into my pre-teen years. It just wasn't made for that kind of journey. Nor did I want to embarrass myself at future slumber parties. So I weaned myself off of it's sweet funky smells. And once I made my decision to put it away, I never looked back. Well, only a couple of times. But I remember moving on from my beloved smell blankie in a relatively short time.
But what awaited me after this? What was the new that came afterwards? Oh, just some pretty magical things, including a greater appetite for adventure and a crazy new relationship with God at a young age.
So I can only imagine what new things await me as I put away my proverbial smell blankie in this season and choose to cling to God and adventure with all my heart, mind, and strength.
Meanwhile, today, I hit a speed bump.
I did something disturbing today. I accidentally logged back into my personal Facebook account (Of which I've been off for about 3 months).
WHAT has been going on in Facebook people? It feels like FUNK. Do yourself a favor, log-off, disconnect for at least a week, and then come back. You'll know what I mean.
But if you're one of those people that's connected to social media, particular FB 24/7, you'll have no idea what I'm talking about, because unbeknownst to you, you have become desensitized....to real life.
But seriously, I felt dirty after seeing certain things in my newsfeed. It wasn't anything astoundingly pornographic necessarily, but just FUNK and a bit foul. Like a festering boil on someone's skin.
The vibe did not feel right, at all.
Looking at people's edited (and often fake) personas did something to me. It made me queasy in my soul.
You know how you can sometimes tell when a person is super rich (or sometimes on that celebrity status) because they just look clean...like miraculously, marvelously cleeeeean. Well, Facebook was given me the opposite of that feeling.
I'm intrigued and confounded as to why I felt such strong feelings about all this?
Nevertheless. I did.
I mean, even people's profile's pic "felt" dirrrrrty. Like I said, not necessarily sexxy times, but just slimy somehow in the spirit. Like the light wasn't so bright in their eyes anymore. And the sad part is....I don't think most even have a clue...
It feels a bit like the Matrix...and everyone is hardwired in.
But not getting nourished by this thing, but instead getting the life sucked out of us.
And all we were wanting is a little light ...that sparkling connection with others that reminds us that we don't shine alone, that we are never alone. Reminding us that we have our roots in the light of God's love. And that love is a bright and cleansing love.
Those I think, may or may not have been the high hopes I had for Facebook, and perhaps they may be met somehow in the years to come. But as of now, it's proving to somehow be a trap of some sort. A light stealer. A bit of a funk spreader.
As someone who mentors teenagers, it's always encouraging to see your teen girls half naked, in compromising scenarios, pseudo-illegal situations, on the verge of soft pornographic poses, doing a duck face, and wondering why they aren't getting fully respected as women and growing in their spiritual walks with God as they still choose to live a double life of sorts. Of which, I know of allllllllllllllll to well. Selah.
I used to weep with such despair after seeing the online lives of some of my teens. Now I just breathe deeply and pray.
There's so many ways for our lights to grow dim. And in this day age, the ways have just become a bit more sophisticated. But the end result is always the same, we're left feeling insecure, devoid of real peace, worse for the wear, numb, and of course dirty (whether we fully realize it or not). Becoming less than a true shadow of ourselves.
But it doesn't have to be this way. Ever.
If only we would remember to walk away from the light dimmers. Those light stealers. Those seductive and tricky light thieves.
And learn to bask more intently in the light of love. Allowing our mindsets and actions to align with the truth of love.
Putting away our smell blankies.
And welcoming the new adventure.
Knowing that you can come home at anytime.
Because the lights are always on for you.
- I John 1:7