Tears for Fears

     Something happened between then and now.

     Between that last post and this one.

     At the time, I didn't see it coming. But everything within me would be tested, shaken, and emptied.

     Such seems to be the routine of things when a grand life shift is on the horizon.

     I know for many people, the holidays are painful. There is a great loss in all of our hearts. We miss people or we are afraid to miss them. We struggle with what we hoped for and what is -- those things that have been established.

     These last few days, I've simply wanted to slip into someone else's body, because my own thoughts were becoming too painful, too obsessive.

     You know what I prayed about 6 months ago? I prayed that God would make me fearless.

     In case you're wondering, it's just as dangerous as that "patience" prayer.

     One cannot become fearless without encountering real fear.

     Without going into too many details, I will say this, I had one of theee worst nightmares (in my sleep) of my life about 3 weeks ago fast forward to me being in urgent care on Christmas Day with a body that was acting out of the poor stress it had been suffocated with. The level of anxiety and fear were almost crippling. I mean, one day I was just fine and the next day I had to sleep with a stuffed animal to keep myself from losing it.

     My trip to urgent care proved that I was absolutely healthy and fine, just simply getting over a bad cold and some indigestion. And in my heart I knew that this wasn't the Lord calling me home just yet. But fear is not often logical nor does it bring peace.

     And as I write this brief recap, my heart goes out to the many guys and girls, fathers and mothers, daughters and sons who've had to embrace loss, face fear, and still hope for the best in the midst of it all.

     We are thirsty for Hope.

     In all my mess and insecurity I am sure of one thing. A world without Christ is a world with no Hope. The love that is offered through the mystery of this man Jesus is quite overwhelming and He alone gives me cause to be fearless.

     I'm learning afresh what it means to be "delivered". As I am experiencing one now.

     We often don't realize that we've been weighed down or are in need of deliverance until we are face to face with gut-wrenching disappointment or fear. The foundations of our hearts are exposed. And there we find out if we've been building on sand or stone.

     This past Sunday, I taught my teens and preteens about Ruth from the Bible. A woman, who in the midst of great loss and disappointment, left her own country and culture and went into the unknown with her mother-in-law, Naomi. Whereas her mother-in-law felt completely abandoned by God, Ruth proclaims that she wants Naomi's God to be her God and displays this sense of hopefulness that doesn't quite make sense given the circumstance. I won't spoil the story for you, but let's just say Ruth's hope was not in vain...

     And here we are.

     It's about to be a new year.

     And I know we all need a new beginning.

     My prayer for you is that you would encounter Truth the destroys the lies, Peace over the anxiety, and Love that decimates all fear.

     Your story is not over yet.

     And though there may be pain in the night, joy will come for you--joy will come for you in the morning.

Wisdom's Knocking:

"See, I am doing a new thing!
 Now it springs up;
do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
 and streams in the wasteland."

-Isaiah 43:19

I Just Want You to Stay

Photo Credit: Evan Kaufmann

   
      I didn't know it at the time--my first 29 years of living, that I was a bonafide Commitment-Phobe.

     I couldn't see it at the time because I was spreading my self far too thin over the adventures of life that were meant to be had. I mean, you're only young once DANGIT.

     But busyness and movement can so beguilingly seduce you into believing that you've accomplished something, when in actuality, you've ended up in the same spot twice, by simply going around in a circle.

     However, the cycles and patterns of our lives are not meant to taunt us, but rather, they are meant to teach us--if we let them.

     So I had a short conversation with a young friend of mine. She admittedly struggled with making some day-to-day plans. The struggle was in letting her yes be yes and her no be no, in fear that she was tied to these choices, these small and seemingly frightening commitments.

     And that's us. That's this culture.

     Instant gratification, playing out in our minutiae of life as well as the over-all-scheme-of-things, dictating what we often expect and when, but know all to well that it is not the best version for us.

     And mix a fear of commitment with the need for instant gratification and you have an amazing cocktail of sorts.

     One that robs us out of the richness of a commitment fulfilled.

     And trust me, I can only say that now, after being on the other side of my commitment fear.

     Commitment doesn't usually happen in the blink of an eye, but rather through the gaze of a stare. Commitment involves time, and an outcome that you or I cannot fully control. And that usually scares the hell out of us. You know, not being in control...

     Look at how you view and respond to commitments in your life.

     If you can't, don't, or are afraid to follow through, simply ask yourself why. You'll be surprised at the answer. Are you too afraid to be honest and tell someone that you don't want to go to their party in fear of being forever rejected, because you feel some how unlovable at your core? P.S. You're NOT unlovable.

     Or are you afraid to say yes to her, because you've had your heart broken in the past and you're too afraid to risk it by putting your heart out there for another person.

     Or are you blasé about possible job opportunities because you don't want to be 'tied down' and fear getting stuck, rather than seeing it as a necessary stepping stone in your journey.

     When I got still and asked myself this question--the why, what came up was my raw fear of being abandoned. Because everybody leaves you eventually. No one stays together anyway. And people die.

     Yes. These phrases were the very foundation of my commitment phobia.

     And consequently, I had a hard time committing to long term things..ie: marriage.

     Believe it or not, I didn't always want to get married.

     No. You read that correctly.

     I didn't.

     But please believe that I wanted to have a many pool boy to fulfill my every sexual fantasy. So basically I wanted to have a man for sex and an occasional good laugh.

     But that was my way of hiding. Deep down, I longed for meaningful and long term connection, but was afraid to want it, because no one I had wanted, had ever wanted me in a long term way. So I figured, I'd shut that possibility down and save myself the pain and agony of disappointment.

     WRONG.

     Somehow self preservation fails, even when you think you've won.

     Selah.

     But more so, there's something about loving God that makes you braver than you could ever be on your own.

     That's the long and short of it.

     And over the course of many years, some of which are documented on this blog (circa 2007) God made me brave, especially in the realm of love.

     In my heart I allowed myself to be fully committed to friendships, to people, to ministry, to my future boo in much deeper ways. And without trying beyond a simple 'yes' in my heart to those things, I began to experience the 'richness of a commitment fulfilled.'

Photo Credit: Evan Kaufmann

   
     Because what they don't tell you, is that you can experience joy in the act of committing and in the walking it out. It's such a powerful ordeal. I mean, you get to exercise your freedom of choice and choose and manage your own emotions through the process.

     With allowing our yes to be yes, our no to be no, and our commitments heartfelt, there is something that is steadied in us. I don't know how to fully explain it. But all that anxious and nervous energy that you are carrying, starts to chill the heck out. 

     I would say, that with commitments there's nothing to be afraid of. But I'd be lying. 

     If you are afraid of growth, character development, a deeper capacity to love and experience peace, being sexy and clearer perspective then you might want to stay away from commitment. I'm just saying.

     Sometimes choosing to follow through or stay when the circumstance warrants it, is often the hardest thing to do.


     But I was running around in circles.

     And no one could see it but God.

     And then He got me quiet and simply told me to stay.

     And that changed everything.

     Yes, by simply choosing to stay.

     And isn't that what we all want?

     Someone to stay with us. To hold us. To listen. To be involved for the long haul.

     But you see, none of this can be a stable and steady pursuit, if you aren't willing to be those very things for someone else and something else as well.

     So when I was 29 years old, I decided to get locs. For this reason: It would be an outward manifestation of the breaking of my commitment-phobe years. Yes. I would choose to keep my hair 'locked' up for at least 7 years.

(Mini backstory, I used to dye, fry, and cut my hair at least once every 2-3 months. So not fiddling with it for 7 years was kinda major for me! Plus, I always ruled out locs because I though I could never be committed to something for so long...)

     And here I am, almost 5 years in. And I've never looked at commitment in the same way since then.

     So maybe you and commitment are besties, maybe even play-cousins. And for that I commend you. Please tell me your secrets. Honestly. And yes, you most likely read this post for nothing.

     Or maybe you're like me. And you need to remind yourself that you are worth the commitment. And you are worth committing to and have the ability to commit and commit well.

     The act of 'locking' up my hair every month became a habit of commitment as well as a manifestation of my commitment. It started with hours that have now totaled a commitment worth years.

     But bottom line, I want to see us happy, full of life, and committed to those things that are truly meaningful in our lives. And as cliche as it sounds, it starts with small steps--starting with the small things in your life.

     I know it's about to be a new year. And if you even, sorta-kinda think that you have some commitment baggage in your life, I encourage you to step out and commit to something, to someone between now and January 24th (Yeah, I like to give ample time...plus New Year's would have been too predictable and this is not a resolution, but rather a life shift) that you will follow through on for 1 month, 6 months, or even a year! If you feel like sharing what it is in the comments below, please do so. But that's definitely not a requirement. I trust that you will wrestle this post out on your own and be open to commitment in a new area of your life.

     Solid ground affords you so much.

     These last 7 years of being a youth pastor, I've learned about the beauty and power of commitment, and how it changes everything.

     When I got the "Call", I felt SO inadequate, SO outside of my comfort level. And SO not ready. And God simply whispered this to my spirit:

     "I just need you to stay."

     And that was my big overriding instruction in molding the minds and spirits of the future leaders of the world.

     No light shows.  No great speeches. No mega church sized youth group service. No special frills.

     Just the ability to "stay".

     And I now know that God was preparing my heart all along.

     Allowing me to connect and watch over the same group of teenagers for 7 years and to see them grow, through the awkwardness of puberty and through sifting through dark shadows to find out who they really are. And leaving the nest to soar in this wide wide world.

     Through the welcoming and through the letting go.

     I chose commitment.

     And I have been better for it.

     I have been forever changed.

     Because I stayed.

     I allowed my heart to love, and I let love in.

     So with that said, never stop letting love in.

     Never stop letting love in.

Wisdom's Knocking:

"Now everyone dreams of a love faithful and true, 

But you and I know what this world can do. 

So let's make our steps clear so the other may see. 

And I'll wait for you...should I fall behind wait for me."

-Bruce Springsteen, "If I Should Fall Behind"

The "F" Word

Do you know what happened to me last week...I was attacked by the "F" word.

People drop that F bomb to solidify boundaries. You're there. I'm here. Back up, fool.

It's a wall. And oddly enough it brings freedom when it trickles off the tongue of its master.

I cannot tell you how many times I've been assaulted by this word. It keeps me in my place. I feel pimp slapped and suffocated all at the same time.

But then I get angry. What can I say or do to combat the effects of such a ferocious word?

Instead of a comeback, I'm left to sizzle in my own thoughts. Wondering why I even let such an ignorant display of self preservation affect me so.

But then I realize something else,

Something far more scary than the "F" word itself...

It's the knowing that this word actually needed to be said.

Nothing else would have had the same power and influence.

A boundary needed to be placed.

Because truth be told, I was feeling woozy and a bit dreamy eyed and muddled about my intentions, my opinions, and my stance.

But now, there's no mistaking, I know where I truly stand.

Although it's not December 31st,  I was curious and ready to bet it all, once again.

But you have outrightly declared that you and I will...most likely... only be...



Friends.

Wisdom's Knocking:

“The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, not the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when you discover that someone else believes in you and is willing to trust you with a friendship.”

― Ralph Waldo Emerson

Well...Being Single...It's Not So Bad

   

     Just started going through all my Europe photos properly.

     People: There are over 1000 photos! I mean, I was taking pictures like it was my day job. Meanwhile, I get to relive over and over again the feelings and emotions of seeing pretty things, familiar things, foreign things. And I remember. And it makes me smile. Oh how I just love different cultures. I love the blend of old and new. By the way, most of the photos in this post will be from Italy, more specifically, Rome.

     Oh, yeah. And I'm single.

     But the way I see it, I've been afforded precious time to live adventurously, passionately, inquisitively, and honorably while being free and unattached. That aspect of singlehood is quite lovely.

     We won't go into my love of all things Christmas and how "Love Actually" is about to be on repeat in my house causing me to question the very idea of agreeing to a singleness vow that extends through the holidays.




     But nevertheless, we will stay strong! Here in this place, I look at my heart and I am so very proud. I'm so proud that I have the heart that I do. To My Heart: You are a beautiful champion. I never EVER thought I'd be in my 30s unmarried and without any real prospects. You my heart, my friend, amaze me. We're in this together. And I won't let you down. I'm learning again how to be a fearless Single-- independent, but not calloused and never despondent.

     My heart has been so free and protected this year. There's been far less of those posts from the perspective of a broken and wounded heart. But rather, there's been a new sense of life that has permeated every aspect of my being.

     And can I just tell you... I'm convinced God is helping me keep my own singleness vow. Any guy that I even think of considering or try to flirt with has either just entered into a relationship,  runs away from me, is in a relationship, or bats for the other team. No joke. This is real life. So I'm gonna calm my behind down until December 31st.

     I talked to my mom last night, she seemed to think that I might be holding onto bitterness when it comes to my own singleness. But I told her, "Hmm, I think I'm good though, but I'll pray about it." No joke, I get off the phone, pray about it, and do you know what gets highlighted to me...

     "Sexual Frustration"

     Yep. We keeps it real on this blog.

     I was once asked,

"What do you do about this sexual frustration? Especially since you don't have sex...??"

     Well, I know your next thought would be...well what about self-sex? And while this technique of relief works for countless folks, I personally don't subscribe to it. Not that I hadn't tried in my past, but it just felt empty and a bit weird. And what I really wanted was...well...a body on top of mine. Too much, too soon? Probably, but you celibate singles out there know what I'm talking about.

     So what do you do, Patrice?

     I dance. I get contemplative and write random disjointed blog posts. I have a glass of wine and watch a BBC show. You know, the usual.

     And I work pray through it.

My view from the Ponte Fabricio (Fabricius Bridge), Rome, Italy

     All this for what I consider to be the sacred apex of exchange between a man and a woman, God's mysterious and beautiful design.  So in essence, it doesn't just come down to intercourse, but rather, true and intimate contact with a human being. The actual unhindered closeness of a body next to yours, with full permission and acceptance. That's the goal. But often, this type of connection doesn't start with the body, but rather with the spirit and the soul and then the body. And that's the Cliff notes version of why I'm still a "unicorn".

   
     Okay. How the heck did we get here? I pity the poor person that simply wanted to see pretty pictures of Italy and got exposed to some weird singlehood sex talk. I'm sorry. And being single, it's really not that bad, really.

     At least not all the time.

     Oh, in case you couldn't tell from my photos, Italy is kinda romantic. But I was so distracted by eating every 2 hours and drinking wine that I didn't have time to feel sorry for myself. In fact, I think I felt quite giddy that entire trip.

     It was probably the gelato.

Wisdom's Knocking:

“At the least, bear patiently, if thou canst not joyfully. And although thou be very unwilling to hear it, and feel indignation, yet check thyself, and suffer no unadvised word to come forth from thy lips, whereby the little ones may be offended. Soon the storm which hath been raised shall be stilled, and inward grief shall be sweetened by returning grace.”

 ― Thomas à Kempis, The Imitation of Christ.

The Aftermath (And 4 Ways to Cultivate Dreams)

     

     
The Aftermath: 

     Last week I got back from my European adventure. You guys, this trip was everything.

     New faces, new places.

     Switzerland, Italy, France, Spain, and the UK. All within a little over 2 weeks.

     Now before you think I'm a complete lady of leisure, you must know, that this trip was a year in the making. A year of saving up and planning. (Shout out to Dave Ramsey! My budget mentor) But this trip started as a small desire, than grew to a dream, than later became a reality.

     I knew this trip would be amazing simply because of the company I would have with me (Two close girlfriends of mine) But this trip also took me by surprise by the way in which it shook me, inspired me, challenged me, and filled me with hope and the ability to dream again.

It's true, travel just does something to us. It stirs our soul, makes us feel invincible and vulnerable all at the same time.

     You realize when you step away from the status quo of your life, fresh perspective arises. You are reminded of who you are, but more than that, of who you could be.

I understand afresh, of why people are filled with wanderlust, that notion of constant movement and travel to bring forth fulfillment and meaning. But I've found, that the complete fulfillment is not in the movement itself, but in what happens with the experience afterwards --how we go about incorporating it (or not) into our current revelation of things.

I could have had this European experience and said, "Ok. That was nice." And moved right back into the rhythms of my life here in California.

     But I've chosen not to.

     In no way shape or form do I want to simply digest this as just a "nice experience".

     Instead, I will intently remember the places and faces that I have met and seen, allowing them to affect me, and to inspire me beyond my present understanding of things.

 And that my friend, is how my old dreams became new dreams.

   


     But then the fight began.



     Coming back home after this trip was a bit like the shuttle re-entering the earth's atmosphere. It was thunderous and met with a great deal of heat.

     Beyond the business of living, everyone seemed to be on a different page, on a different musical note. Could I play the same song? Did I want to? I've traveled quite a bit in the last 15 years, so I was well aware of the "Adjustment period" feelings. But this was different. In fact, it still is. It's that feeling, when you know everything, as you know it, is about to change. But that's what dreams often do, they're notorious for fiercely messing with the status quo.

     And that is where I've landed.

     The atmosphere is vibrating around me with promise.

     And I'm taking intentional steps forward.

     Meanwhile, I wanted to share with you what I've been learning in this new season of life:




4 Ways to Cultivate Dreams

1.  Be Curious 

     Or as I like to say, "Be childlike". I think its ever so important to remain curious in life, to keep pursuing knowledge, to hear more stories from a variety of people, to choose to not get jaded throughout life's cycles and ever so sneaky disappointments, and to endeavor to inspire someone onward, to places beyond their wildest dreams.

2. Get Outta Here!

      You may not be able to take a 2 week holiday to your favorite Continent tomorrow, but you can go for a long drive or a weekend trip at least. Dreams often surface or resurface once you are out of the familiar confines of your life. You have to be intentional about breaking out of your status quo.  And remember, when you travel, be present in the moment. Don't bring all your status quo reminders with you, and try to limit your internet and mobile phone interactions.

3. Treat Yo'self

     When was the last time you did that thing you absolutely love doing? When was the last time you just rested -- to clear your mind and get your head right. When we put down the garment of anxiety, which nearly suffocates us and any dreams that we may have. and put on the garment of rest, that becomes the good soil for dreams to grow in. It doesn't mean that we won't work hard and do the practical things necessary to move forward towards our dream when the time comes, but it won't be out of fear, rather it will be out of peace.

4. Seek Out

     Pray. Ask for guidance. You might not be religious, but I'm gonna tell you right now, you're gonna need some help...beyond the natural kind, on your destiny journey. A dream is always bigger than what we could ever accomplish on our own. And that's on purpose. I believe that God is the Dream Giver. And He so freely gives us the promise of His presence in all stages of life. So while the dream is a precious gift, the Gift Giver Himself will be faithful to walk with you through it all. And trust me, that makes it all worthwhile.

-------------

     But in addition to that list, and inspired by my time in Europe, I've realized that it is incredibly important to connect with your passions and your strengths -- to take the time to remember them.

     Nevertheless, we often get numbed out. Or we simply forget. Or we just get tired.

     I think I was a combination of all three of those factors prior to leaving for Europe.

     But I have hope for us.

     You're reading this for one of two reasons...you're either my mom... or you have a dream that is yet to be fulfilled. A dream that you may have never voiced to anyone other than God. A dream that you were told could never happen. Or a dream that has yet to tell you what it fully is, but you can feel something stirring within you.

     Good.

     Something is being stirred.

     (Note: The new dreams of our heart are rarely new, but yet a powerful blast from the past. It's perhaps an old love being rekindle with a bit of a remix to match the times.)

Wisdom's Knocking:

“Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us, or we find it not.”

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Photo Credit: All photos taken from the Switzerland portion of my trip.

The Artist Next Door: Hannah Anderson - Part I

     "For some time now, I've wanted to share these people with you in great detail and splendor. I wanted to honor their struggle, their process, their manifested dreams coming true, and those dreams that they are still contending for. I wanted you to understand how I've been shaped as a person, because of their presence in my life.

     The people that I will feature each month in this on-going series, titled, "The Artist Next Door", will highlight these extraordinary people, and will give you a sneak peak into their world, the behind the scenes of people you may have heard of, or may not have. Often I'll split my interviews with these artists into 2 parts, just for the simple fact that I like to build anticipation.

      With that said, I can guarantee--you can do anything but forget these stories or these artists after meeting them. And I'm pretty positive they'll stir something in you. Something perhaps you didn't know was still there."

     I first met this gem of a human being about 2 years ago. I was first struck by her unique beauty. She is absolutely stunning. An unconventional and exquisite knockout. I mean. --Look.At.Her.

     And then someone said in passing..."She sings..."

     Well that's my cue. I need to hear her sing. It's a must.

     Everyone has a song to sing, but singers, well, they move me. Musicians move me in general. I think its something in my blood. Bio-dad (that's another blog post altogether) and brother and uncles are all musicians. And the way in which I respond to music, well, let's just say that it compels me.

     I was curious to find out what type of sound would come out of this bold beauty named Hannah Anderson.

     It was astounding to me that she never mentioned she sang, but instead, it was someone else speaking her praises.

     When someone toots their own horn about being a profound singer or a musician, sometimes I get leery of their own hype and praise, but when someone else with nothing to gain, sings their praises unbeknownst to the artist in question, 9 times out of 10, the artists turns out to be an unexpected comet of glory.

     And so goes the story with Hannah Anderson.

     I want you to discover for yourself the sweetness of her voice and music. If you haven't noticed, for all of 2013 I've had her song "Stronger" on the far right column as one of my "Jamz of 2013".

     Something about her music makes me proud to be a woman: Alive, tender, and fiery.

     It is an absolute pleasure to introduce you to her. She is an artist that we will continue to visit with in the months and years to come. I simply love seeing how artists evolve over time. Their music, their life, their message.

     And now, without further ado...

Hannah Anderson

Give us 3 words to describe your music.

     Thoughtful. Good. Fresh.


This is sort of a 2 in 1, but what do you see as your greatest strength and what do you see as your greatest weakness?

     I feel like my greatest strength is that I’m really good at starting things. My greatest weakness is I’ll either quit or take forever to finish anything. So I have many, many projects that I’m in the process of, or I just haven’t and probably won’t finish. Which is real bad.



What was the driving force behind your latest EP, "From the Dust"?

     Well, definitely the fact that I love music. A lot of the songs in my EP deal with heartbreak and I think that was also a driving force. It’s one thing to play music as a hobby and then it’s another to actually make it something that you do as a career, something that you’re really serious about, and have a heart for. I think this, for me was like my way of stating that, 'Yes, this is what I want to do.'

     I have a lot of doubts about my music and just showing my own music to people. So this for me was kind of a big risk!

What do you want listeners to take from your songs?

     I always want listeners to take a sense of hope from my music. 

     All of my music usually comes from a place of when I'm either way up or extremely down. When you’re on top of the world you have all of the hope in the world and when you’re down it’s always good to be, or to try to be, hopeful. I think that’s one of the main things. That’s really important to me.



Why music?...

     Why not music? Literally, when I don’t play music I’m not the same person. I don’t know what it is about music... Maybe the fact that, for me, it says more than anything I could ever just speak. Not only that, but it reaches people on a different level than just speaking to them would. You can communicate with someone who doesn’t even speak the same language. It’s just good and it makes me feel good.

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To find more info on Hannah Anderson:

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S. R. L.

      

      I've been thinking about you.

     Wondering what it is that keeps drawing you back to my writings. I mean, this has been a bit of a self indulgent journey so far. But I've realized more so today, more than ever that I have a tribe. You're my tribe. You get me. And I get you.

     They don't know me like you do.

     I don't know what kind of day you had today. Was it mediocre? The same as yesterday. Or are you in that ever-so-common place of simply waiting for something, anything to happen.

     A moment to shake up all moments, to simply remind yourself that you are alive.

     But I discovered something today.

     You and I.

     We are alive.

     Life is happening now.

Photo Credit: Adria Elena

     "S."

     Singlehood.

     No one can escape life without it. It can be a life long season (Please Jesus...No....), or just a season to occupy your adolescence, or perhaps your latter years. But no one, no one can escape the grip of singlehood. At some point, you and yourself have to face things, wrestle things out on your own, bring your lonely and timid heart to God without fanfare without prodding. Everyone gets their chance. I don't want you to be scared. Don't be scared of the pain. You'll make it through to the other side, I promise.

     I promise. There's riches to be had, even in this stage of life.

     In this blog, you've been let in on some of my biggest secrets and have walked with me in my semi-long journey of singleness in all its messiness, confusion, pain, and beauty. We've cried and laughed our way into Wisdom's arms, many, many times.

     True, my journey might not look like yours, but I know that we share similar themes.

     I once thought I was writing this blog strictly to a group of girls in their mid 20s to mid 40s. But I was grossly mistaken.

     The feedback I now get from my blog comes from men and women alike, ranging in ages from 17-65.

     And what is the common thread here? Obstacles and learning how to overcome? Yes, partly.  But even more intimately so: We all know the shape of our own faces, the contour of our lips, the width of our necks, the placement of our ears, yet we still need a mirror in order to properly see who we really are and look like to the rest of the world.

    Yes. A mirror.

     And that is what I hope we both achieve in the presence of this blog and the writings that we exchange.

     That we would rightly see. That we would rightly know who we really are, above the lies, above the mediocrity of our circumstance, above the ridicule of others and our own minds.

     I once used to be ashamed of my singleness. Like it was leprosy. While those all around me engaged in adventurous romances which seemed to be non-existent or transient for me. I've been in countless weddings, cried at Hallmark commercials, accomplished major life goals, all while wanting the arms of my man around me. But I realize now, with such confidence, that I am not alone. I'm not the only one who has walked this path.

     And I decided through the creation of this blog, that I, in no way would sit waiting for my life to begin. My life is truly happening now. And it is vibrant, more hopeful, more cherished than it's ever been. I couldn't imagine living any other way at this point in my life.

     I can't believe I just wrote that. I mean--

     Especially because last year this time, I was crying in my mother's arms, as I could barely speak my heart's longings for my future husband boo.

    Nevertheless. God.

     There's no way at this point in my life that you could convince me that He is not real, that He is not Kind, Faithful, and Ever Present. He has been all of those things and more to me. My entire life. And yours.

      And as I continue to explore this mystery of Singlehood, I'm finding purpose and unexpected doors of blessing and love opening my way and beckoning me to walk through. I know the same will be for you.

      Regardless if you are married, dating, or single, I address this theme, this state of Singlehood in the significant and weighty way of how we are all single and naked before an all knowing and seeing God. And that we have a responsibility to love, to love others, to love ourselves and to manage our own emotions, your own personhood with Wisdom-- to see yourself and your circumstances rightly, through the lens of not just my own experiences, but through the lens of a deeply profound and loving God.

Photo Credit: Tyler Ward

    "R."

     Romance.

     Duh.

     I'm about it.

    And if you aren't, you've most likely been burned...burned very bad in a past relationship. Or your home life growing up absolutely sucked. I'm just being real.

     People that tell me that they never want to get married or be in a relationship, basically tell me, I'm too afraid to make myself vulnerable because I know the pain that can happen, if somebody does you dirty. I don't want to take that risk. I never want to hurt like that ever, ever, ever again...or at all.

     Valid.

     But fear will always be the lesser of noble choices. In fact, agreeing with fear is never a noble choice at all. Instead....well, you already know...You should agree with Love.

     When I think of Love, I think of how little kids play.

     Stick a little kid in their own backyard or a park and they can begin to create thousands of worlds of make-believe, and the most mundane thing becomes major miracles in their worlds. Their eyes are always full of awe and wonder.

     We were never meant to lose that.

     Romance is not simply being wooed, but seeing with eyes of awe and wonder. Recognizing the beauty of breathing, having eyes to see sunlight, enjoying the decadent taste of your favorite food.

     To choose love is difficult.

     To keep choosing love after you've been hurt is harder.

     But I ask you further still.

     Choose the risk.

     Choose...

     Love.

     I'm a firm believer that we were never meant to go and live life alone. But rather, connected to other human beings.

     In addition to that:

     You were made for romance. 

     For real.

     Let that sink in.

     Yes, I may be practically a spinster, but I definitely gots romance in my life. Ya heard. I'm learning more and more about how to get excited about the little things and to appreciate everything. I allow myself to get excited about little stupid things like chocolate (I take that back, chocolate is NOT stupid.) and vanilla wafers waaaaaay to much. I also allow people to love me.

     Someone who fights romance in their life at all costs will be defensive. Believe me. I know.

     But when you allow yourself to be loved, even just through kind acts, a smile from a cashier, a helping hand with your luggage on the subway, or sincere eye contact from a friend, awe and wonder are returning to your heart.

     I also allow the things that I love, to love me back. Meaning, I love to dance. So when I dance, I enjoy it. Immensely. Intentionally.

     So whether you are single, dating, or married, you are made for romance.

     It's really a multi-faceted and beautiful thing.

Photo Credit: Adria Elena

     "L."

     Life.

     What more needs to be said.

     We all live life.

     Whether you're single, dating, or married, you were made to live this life.

     We are all on this planet, making a path, sharing our stories, laughing at our old bad hair styles, and often worrying about our future.

     Our world is changing. And it's about to change even more.

     But we were given this time, to make our mark, to share our journeys, and to make new pathways for those that will walk on this planet in future years.

     The bigger picture. There is one. And you absolutely fit in.

     What piece are you exactly? What piece am I exactly?

     We're too close to the painting now.

     But in future years will see more clearly.

     But You and I.

     We are alive.

     And life is happening now.

Wisdom's Knocking:

You were meant to flourish.

The Sin of Carelessness

     The soft, gold morning sunlight was gently beginning to shine through my bedroom. I was still in bed. I smiled to myself. I had no where to be, except in bed. Plus, I love Autumn lighting. It's so perfect, so gentle, so full of a different type of expectation. I turned over in bed to snuggle my blankets happily.

     And something somehow whispered to my soul.

     "You forgot."

     Nervousness began to creep into my entire body.

     You know when you have that feeling that you've forgotten something dreadfully important but you don't know what it is. But somehow your body knows...

     "You forgot to call her on her birthday..."

     OH. NO.

     The "her" was my aunt. And her birthday is pretty much like Christmas to her soul. If you don't acknowledge her birthday, it is a complete slap in the face. I knew I would never hear the end of it.

     Plus, my mom (Who knows I'm horrible at remembering birthdays---even her own) gave me a reminder the day before to call my aunt. And yet...

     So I lay in bed, knowing that I would have to make the belated birthday call today, a week after the fact. The tension level in my body was starting to rise. The last time I had forgotten my aunt's birthday, and tried to call her to make amends, I think she hung up on me. But definitely chewed me out.

     Some backstory:

     Some of you know that I grew up bi-coastal. From ages 6-16, I would spend my school year in Southern California, and for the entire summer, I would spend 2-3 months with my aunt and grandma in Upstate New York.

     Those were the best of times, and occasionally the worst of times.

     Somehow I was the favorite grandchild and the favorite niece. My aunt pretty much spoiled me rotten. Trips, tons of new clothes, any concert I ever wanted to go to I went to, more trips and adventures, and did I mention clothes? She's invested thousands and thousands of dollars in me, years of her lifetime, and her special version of caring, yet tough love.

     Yes, her tough love.

     She's a New Yorker, in every sense of the word.

     And I'm so grateful that she's in my life. I think I would have been an oddly unbalanced person if not for my aunt. My mom is literally one of the most patient and kind people on the planet. And I would have been a life-less noodle the first time any one disagreed with me or criticized me if not for my aunt. You see, my aunt and grandma are cut from that legit Ol' School cloth. They give it to you straight. Like for real. At times, while growing up, their words were completely cutting but at the same time, they strengthened me. 

     Their words strengthened me in a way that helped me to know who I was and who I was not. How I wanted to be, and how I didn't want to be.

     But I think there's still pain there in my heart because of the mixture and bluntness of this experience.

     I'm cut from a different cloth. I am my mother's child indeed. And there's a tenderness in me that continues to be a solid characteristic of who I am. And my heart has always responded profoundly to kindness.

     And knowing in my heart, that my interactions with my aunt would be forced in some way, and knowing that I would simply be berated, left little room for anticipation of wanting to make that call.

     But I know that there's still pain in her heart. Her responses are still that of someone carrying the load. Pain that planted itself in her heart before I even arrived on the scene. Pain of a life of unmet expectations. Pain of being betrayed. The pain of being forgotten about...

     I'd like to think of myself as an intentional person. A person who cares. 

     But this week, God was ever so gentle in showing me a major area of improvement. He is the kindest one I know, and the most truthful.

     Patrice, one of your blind-spots is that you are careless, you can easily forget about someone or something that does not benefit your immediate needs, in all your pursuits, slow down, take time to remember...people not just deadlines, things to do, work, and ministry.

     I'm convinced, more than ever that "rushing" is of the devil. I have no problem doing things quickly, but when you rush to do something, fear is present. And things just start to get weird real quick.

     And likewise, when our minds our so preoccupied with so many things, our lives become disjointed, uneven, and indiscernible. 

     Case and point: Multi-tasking doesn't seem to be as beneficial as once thought. (See Article) 

     My mind was full and busy last week with work. And if your name wasn't connected to the project at hand, I probably would not have called you, texted you, or responded to you in a timely manner or at all...

     Which is actually a pretty standard human characteristic.

     But I was being challenged to love better. To not simply love in an ordinary, unmoving way. But To love like I had been loved by the God of the universe.

     As I reminded God that Kindness was a fruit of the Spirit, an aspect of who He is. God simply reminded me that Carelessness was a painful counteract to that very Kindness that I demanded I receive first from my aunt. 

     It was now time to get low--to get humble.

     I was still nervous.

     But I dialed anyway.

     Sometimes we become careless out of habit and not necessarily out of some vindictive motive; and other times, we become careless because we do not want to confront our own demons.

     But God simply says, to come to Him and He will give our hearts rest. 

     I hadn't talked to God recently about my ongoing heart issue with my aunt. And I know that God was using the platform of this circumstance with my aunt to heal both of us and to also show us a new aspect of His beautiful countenance and love by walking us through the pain of confrontation.

     Through life's confrontations. We always have 2 choices: 

+To become Bitter 

or

+To become Better

    So how did the phone call go?

     It started smoothly, got incredibly rocky and confrontative, and ended with my voice shaking and me almost in tears. We were both being confronted with who we were and our perceptions of one another. But I could tell that we were both choosing to be humble, forgiving, and loving. I do think it's the beginning of something. And I genuinely hope in the years to come, it has the chance to truly be completed.

     I did cry after that phone call. Heavy, salty tears. But it was a cry of release more than anything else.

     Nevertheless, I still love the sunlight of Autumn. 

     It's so perfect, 

     so gentle, 

     so full of a different type of expectation...

Wisdom's Knocking:

“To pay attention, this is our endless and proper work.” 

 ― Mary Oliver  (1983 Pulitzer Prize Winner in Poetry)

S.W.A.G. Champion

Photo Credit: Evan Kaufmann

     

     I will not apologize for using the word "Swag" repeatedly in this post. In fact, I'd like to redeem the negative connotation that haters have brought to this word. I know you want to give 2010 it's word back. But too bad. I'm bringing it proudly into 2013 and BEYOND.

     Mind you, I know the word has been overused by tween girls and college students alike. And who could forget those lovely deodorant commercials that proudly displayed their "Swagger".

     But I'm here to tell you, SWAG is back. Well, in fact, it never left.

     And I was so kindly reminded on September 1, 2013.

     Quick: What do you think of when you hear the name Paul Newman?

     You don't know who that is?

     I can't even talk to you right now.

     Okay.

     Let's try another name.

     Henry Cavill.

     Okay. That's what I thought.

     That, my friends, is swag in action.

     It's that intangible presence that covers a man. It's cousins to the "It-factor" but often much more subtle. (Note: One can have swag AND the "It-factor").

     Whereas good looks and kindness can get you into a door, Character and Integrity keep you in the building...

     Same goes for  the relationship between the "It-factor" and swag.

     Real swag has a depth of character and integrity attached to it, that often the "It-factor" has not yet grown in.

     Let me repeat that.

     Real swag has a depth of character and integrity attached to it. 

     It's definitely a stand alone trait.

     The "It-factor" can get people's attention, but if you're a man, and you have swag, you'll not only get people's attention, but you'll practically be reigning like a king if you know how to use your gift correctly.

     Now as you can see, I'm using the word swag as a strictly masculine adjective. Well, that's just the way it's gonna be. And that's just the way I like it. Okay? Okay.

Photo Credit: Evan Kaufmann

   
     Someone once told me, "You don't need a man, Patrice--You need a Champion.

     And I was like. "Dang, girrrrrl. Okay. Hmm."

     Because you see, I had to sit and really think about what that truly meant.

     All my life (even up until just last Friday), friends and family would never want to set me up with someone, because they felt like the standard of who they envisioned me with was so incredibly high.

     Now of course, this is an incredible compliment and I'm a bit humbled by it, but at the same time, you could see how one could get discouraged...say after....15 years of being on the market...

     But the question remained. Had I ever met a champion?

     I had. But like a shooting star, they were far and few between.

     During those times, I would either disqualify myself or I found myself  too busy playing the "Mommy-Fix-It" role with broken boys who were enamored with me and afraid of me at the same time.

     However, I too had a lot of growing up to do over the years. And I'm so grateful to have walked out my 20s as a single girl on a crazy God adventure (Which is still continuing and definitely keeping me guessing!).

     But what about those champions that I had contact with? Well, I look back now, and I'm so incredibly grateful that I did not seriously date or marry any of them. Yes, they were champions in their own right, but they weren't my champion. And we most likely would have driven each other crazy. They didn't belong to me, and I somehow knew that in my heart at the time.

     Like Kenny Rogers says, "You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, Know when to walk away and know when to run...."

     But back to swag.

     Swag somehow makes me feels safe as a woman.

     And if you're in my circle of friends, you'll often hear us say words like, "He's a thug", "A don", "He's got that swag". Trust us, these are all good things.

     Now what do I consider authentic swag traits?

1. A man that loves Jesus
2. A man that prays
3. A man that loves his family
4. A man that can get his worship on
5. A man that is not afraid to be vulnerable
6. A man that looks people dead in their eyes and listens
7. A man who is kind, but could also punch someone in the face if need be
8. A man with proper shoe game

     Okay, so I may have added some swag "preferences" in there, but you get the gist.

     Swag-- She.Wants.A.Gentleman.

     Oh yes, I did. I just busted out an acronym. I know this is why you read this blog, to get cutting edge acronyms. Well, I didn't want to disappoint you.

     So what happened on September 1, 2013?

     Well, a friend of mine sent me a text message with a Youtube link and it simply said this:

     "...This man...I mean he could be your husband."

     I honestly didn't think too much about the text. But I valued the sentiment. And I highly value this particular friend. So, I checked out the link.

     And I don't know what I was expecting...


     But I was NOT expecting that.

     It's like when you first see a shooting star. At first your mind has a bit of a delay in determining what the heck it's looking at, and then the excitement stirs once you've processed the miracle.

     Well that's what happened to me.

     I was profoundly reminded of what a true Champion looks like.

     I mean, profoundly reminded.

     With said, I know you want some details, so I'll tell you:

     He's British. He Loves Jesus. He's Not Married. He's a Grown-UP.

     I mean, what more do you need?

     But in all actuality, he and I have never met, he may have a lady friend, and he lives in London and I highly doubt our paths will cross anytime soon. But it did my heart good to see a Champion in action.

     And not just any champion. A Swag Champion.

     He just reminds me of my future husband. That's all.

     Mostly, the DNA that he carries in his spirit, felt somehow like home to me.

     Now, don't worry, I'm trying to stay as level headed as possible through this mild-to-moderate crush. Which means, I'm only stalking investigating him on social media and the internets once, or twice, or five times a day. But other than that, there's really nothing else to be done. I'm not about flinging myself desperately across the interwebs whilst still on a singleness vow. I'll save that for 2014.

     But I will be in London next month (a trip I planned over 8 months ago)...Coincidence? Probably. Or not...

     However, regardless of what happens or doesn't happen next month, I'm hear to tell you, I've now been reminded of what I've been truly waiting for...my Swag Champion.

     And furthermore, as you all know, my singleness vow ends December 31st, 2013...

Wisdom's Knocking:

Keep calm and trust God.