A Touch of Crazy

 Photo Credit: Ashley Johnson    

     Things are beginning to shine and shimmer and settle. I actually feel really good about this year. At first (Like Dec. 31st) I was a bit indifferent towards 2012. I was afraid to really believe that anything could be different this year. I mean, how many times can you muster up great expectations? Well, in my case, with the breath of the Holy Spirit, my expectations have seemed to grow and expand with each passing year.

     Now this doesn't mean that I haven't cried this year already, or looked suspiciously around a corner for a man to hit me upside the head with a "Homey D. Clown" sock. But I feel a new sense of steadiness in my spirit and it feels right to expect good, good things.

     In "99 Problems", I shared my joy and pain in pursuing my dreams as a writer, teacher, freelancer, and overall artist. One of my main weaknesses (Like many creative folks) was the proper stewardship of the business end of my heart's pursuits. About a month after I wrote that particular blog post, I came across a familiar name in finance, and decided to take the plunge in committing myself to a rigid financial overhaul with this particular financial guru.

     Early in the process,  I realized, I wasn't so "afraid" of money, but more so indifferent towards it--which still prevented me from stewarding my blessings properly. In November 2011, For the first time in my adult life, I wrote the vision down regarding my finances. A.K.A. Writing out my entire cashflow budget, debts, debt snowball plan, savings plan (ie: Emergency Fund, etc.), and learned how to delay gratification (ie. Trips, restaurants, etc.) in a much more strategic way.

     I cannot even tell you the burden that was lifted, once I started writing down my entire budget. Yes, at first it was a bit weird, then depressing, then shocking to see how much I spent certain things and neglected other areas. Mostly, being intentional is a powerful thing...and freeing.

     In that first month of intentional budgeting, I realized why I had been so stresseed out most of 2011 regarding my finances. I never quite knew why my money was short at the end of the month. I never kept detailed track of my funds. But alas, after doing my budget I realized, I wasn't making enough to cover all my expenses.

     Well that could be a problem.

     But a funny thing happened. After being intentional about stewarding my finances, even though my income was short of what I needed to pay all my expenses, I somehow made it through that month with flying colors. Individuals who had no idea of my fresh financial start and subsequent financial need, began to randomly bless me with money. What.

     Yes.

     And so it continues in 2012.

     April is going to be an interesting month for me. One job ends, and I have no idea what the next gig will be. Perhaps my local movie theater art house? Or a paid writing gig? Or a talent coordinator position...Or....

     I'm not even quite sure how I ended up telling you about my personal finance on this blog post. I meant to tell you about my Crush progression. Ha.

     Yes. He's still amazing (From what I gather). And very much on my mind. So much so, that I've already had about 10 fake conversations with him-- in my mind. Wait--I'm embarrassed to say, one of those conversations I actually said out loud. But let it be known, that I have been absolutely charming in all 10 of those fake conversations.

     My heart is to truly get to know this person on a friendship basis first. And I don't want to push too hard, or do some weird manipulation thing (You know how I feel about that). I mean, he could be completely psycho. But dang, he would be one fiiiine psycho. Let me stop.

     I wonder if he reads my blog? I mean. I've already cyber-stalked him to the max. So much so, that I'm on a cyber-stalking fast. I'm serious. Images are pretty much my love language. And I'm one of the best internet detectives I know. Which is a blessing and a curse. I often find things that I don't want to about certain individuals. But in this particular detective case regarding my crush, I've found nothing but gold and diamonds with this stud.

     But for the next 2 weeks, I'm going to try to not accidentally find my way to his website, Facebook, Instagram or Twitter page. I'm already feeling withdrawals. But this has to be done.

     ---

     All in all, this year is beginning to shine, shimmer, and settle. It takes a little bit of crazy to believe for something so, so good, when all you see around you is the same ol', same ol'.

     But a touch of crazy is just what I've got...

Wisdom's Knocking:

Can you see it differently, or the same? So shall it be.

Manners

     Photo Credit: Kaitlyn Blosser

     I was recently at a birthday bash shin dig. The people were so lovely. As I imagined they all would be. We were all friends of such an amazing person. Okay wait. "The people were so lovely"---except for one.

     One individual, whom we shall name Carrie, was probably one of the rudest people I have met in a long time. And that's saying a lot, since I work around a lot of entertainers and egocentric folks.

     Upon my first interaction with Carrie, I extended my hand towards her to fully introduce myself. She let my hand linger dead in mid air for about 3 seconds as she looked me up and down. She then, reluctantly gave me the weeniest hand shake ever.

     And I thought to myself, "Hmm...maybe she doesn't speak English well and didn't quite know what I was saying or doing." Wrong. As soon as our beloved birthday boy came within earshot, she immediately perked up and tried to think of something witty to say. And by witty, I mean, awkward. I mean, it may have been witty in her head, but when it came out of her mouth it was straight up awkward and a bit painful.

     I thought again to myself, "This lady is beautiful, but her attitude is so stank. This horrible self-ruining PR can only lead to disaster..."

     The final phase of Carrie's tornado of manners, resulted in her "telling" me, not asking me--but "telling me" to "Go and put this plate over there now." with the strongest condescending vibe.  Um, what?  Never mind that all of us partygoers were in the midst of listening to a wonderful speech from the birthday boy himself. Carrie didn't seem to care. Her lack of honor and manners were off the charts.

     So before I was about to go straight "Set It Off" in the middle of that birthday celebration, and in order not to do a crazy WWE move on her, I simply said to myself what I normally say to settle the matter, when I'm confronted with horribly rude people... "You know what, this chick must have Aspergers." And then I calmly put the plate on a nearby table.

     And I left it at that.

Wisdom's Knocking:

Don't let rude people steal your joy.

Hands Off

     Photo Credit: Evan Kaufmann

     I'm trying to do my best not to mingle where I don't need to mingle. So far, I'm doing pretty good. Like a B-

     But I can feel that ever so subtle manipulation gene try to activate itself into my producing works of some sort. This applies both to my romantic life and my vocational life.

     Sometimes, when you get pushed up against a wall you mostly want to at least throw punches to say that you've given some proper effort. But instead, I'm meant to close my eyes. Which yes, feels incredibly awkward and backwards. You mean, I can't waste energy with one little punch in the dark? Alright then.

     And I closed my eyes today, and I sang songs to myself. And by nightfall, something miraculous happened. Provision.

     I love how things appear when you are not even thinking about them. But if you think too hard regarding those same life changing things, they seem to evade you.

     It's as if, those things are telling you to stop making them your sole purpose for living and learn to love living now--so that those things can be as they were  meant to be. Complimentary Additions.

     Additions to the ultimate blessing you already have. Life.

     Today I was thinking about that guy that I have a current crush on (Of whom by the way is making no romantic pursuits towards me in any way shape or form. Ha), and I totally forgot of my freelance hustle and fear of not having enough provision for this month as I pursue my dreams. As I daydreamed about this kind gentleman, Provision softly walked to my door and dropped a treasure chest with my name engraved on it.

     It's funny what comes to us when we are a bit aloof. And when we choose not to throw punches when our backs are to the wall...

Wisdom's Knocking:

You don't have to make everything happen.

Blah, Blah, Why?

   Photo Credit: Joshua Bell  

     Why is it that the men folks you don't want attention from try to holler at you every five minutes. And the one you want the attention from stays hidden in the silence.

     So yes, clearly I'm bad at hiding this from you. I have a baby crush. No. Not a crush on a baby. Gross. I just have a small crush on a certain man person. This to shall pass.

     But until it does, I'm trying to limit the amount of internet stalking time I devote to my new crush.

     I know. I'm so predictable.

     And yes, I've already cyber stalked this individual to the max. I was hoping to find something cringe worthy, but I only found evidence that makes me love him more. Bah!

     But then there's that one rule that I've created for myself. It's the silliest thing, really. But I've always wanted my future boo to introduce himself to me first. I guess in a way, I wanted to feel swept off my feet from the get go. I'm usually the outgoing person, introducing myself to everyone first. Always putting myself out there first. But for once, I wanted a man to be humble and assertive. And approach me first.

     So meaning, I automatically deem a guy in the "Friend" basket if, upon our first meeting, I had to approach him first and introduce myself, as if making the first move.

     In turn, that's exactly what happened with this particular guy I'm talking about now.  I didn't mean to, but out of my own excitement and wayyyy too much caffeine, I took the more assertive role of introducing myself to him, and at the time, I had sort of already put him in the "Friend" basket. But I quickly realized my misstep after I shook his hand and looked him dead in his eyes. Oh crap. I could feel it coming on.

     The crush.

     It was pretty much immediate. But I had convinced myself that I had cancelled out and disqualified myself from anything romantic with this guy, because I broke my own "Introduction" rule.

     I know, sounds a bit like sabotage and some weird self preservation habit that I'm akin to.

     Nevertheless, I'm trying to be open, real, vulnerable, and expectant for good things to happen. Even if those good things look different than how I think they should look.

     And I know you're wondering who this guy is and how well we know each other. Well, I can't reveal much now, but I can tell you that he and I have a variety of mutual friends. So in any event, we'll be friends. Awesome. Because I need more good looking, amazing and kind guy friends that think I'm amazing, but not quite amazing enough to date.

     Wow, I sounded really bitter there. Pray for me.

     But in other exciting news, I'm going to a Golden Globes after party tomorrow night? I feel a bit like Cinderella with the whole thing. And I also feel like it's going to be amazing.

     I'm not convinced that I'll meet my Prince Charming there, I'm just really excited to dress up and eat fancy cupcakes. And even if Prince Charming happens to show up, he better introduce himself to me first...before I introduce myself...

Wisdom's Knocking:

The intersection of promise and fulfillment is surrender.

I Know You Heard

Aretha Franklin, 69, has gotten engaged to her longtime boyfriend of 27 years, Willie Wilkerson.

Git it grrrrl.

Wisdom's Knocking:

It's never too late...

I'm More Liz Lemon Than Robin Givens

     

     I think the post title is pretty self explanatory. Unless you've never seen "30 Rock" or heard of Mike Tyson, in which in both cases, go ahead and hit up that Google.com.

     So yes, I'm more Liz Lemon than Robin Givens, and I'm learning more and more to be very okay with that.

     And now future boo,  we'll find out if you are...

Wisdom's Knocking:

Don't try and become someone else. No matter how strong the crush may be...
The goal is to become more yourself than ever before.
To flourish in who God has made you to be.

True love, you see, will cause you to blossom in the best of ways.
Allow yourself to be loved.