Jealousy and Contempt Part 3. The End

Photo Credit: Bethany Mossburg

     Immediately after having this revelation that I had allowed Jealousy and Contempt to operate in my life in subtle ways. Something beautiful began to happen. I began to get free of this drudgery. It's like how the first step to recovery in any given area is to first admit you have a problem. Ignoring the problem or being in denial doesn't do anything except keep you in bondage to the drudgery, preventing freedom and the possibility of new and beautiful things coming your way. And subsequently, the integrity to maintain such things.

     What did my prayer time look like after I had this revelation of the pain left in my heart because of Jealousy and Contempt? The only way I can describe it is as though someone had washed my heart in liquid love. It felt like peace and joy and love all mixed together. It felt like coming home. And God was there to meet me. I didn't feel less than or ashamed, I felt affirmed and loved. I'm telling you, God is a lot kinder than you think.

     Immediately after holding this experience. I was put into a scenario where I could have easily compared myself and my shortcomings to the heights and beauty of others. I was surrounded by amazing beauty and talent. I should have gotten lost in the shuffle. I should have been a bit jealous.

     But somehow, I was called out. And in the midst of thousands, I was called "Beautiful."

     I've been called beautiful before, but this time, I was able to rest in it, in a completely different way. Free of Jealousy and Contempt.

     And as I rested in this truth of who I was and am, I was hit with a sharp, fiery arrow. Of course. When else would an arrow strike.

     That's when I found out that my "Admiration/Crush", was nothing more than a mirage. And I had almost played myself by falling for this individual out of turn. It was not my time or my turn, but another's. And she had captured his heart.

     Now how would I deal with such disappointment. And what would my attitude be towards him and her? Would I show face? And reignite my covenant with Jealousy or would I jump off of a proverbial cliff with middle fingers in the air, since this has happened to me more times than I'd like to admit. Or...

     But the Kindness of the Lord had led me to Proverbs, weeks prior, for such a time as this.

     I put down my anger. And upheld my tenderness.

     And God came to my rescue.

     It's always the emotional battles that seem the most fierce to me. And it's nothing short of a miracle, when God calms me down emotionally. And He did this--Calmed me down. Again and again in these last few weeks. Often through random people who had a kind word to say to me, friends of mine that just happened to call me, and others that just felt the need to give me a hug. Yes. He was there.

     And now somehow, my cup is full. And it is now beginning to run over.

     And yes, once again, with heart and arms wide open, I am ready to love.

Wisdom's Knocking:

"Free Up Your Mind:

So that the world's clutter doesn't prevent you from hearing God's voice when He speaks to you.

Free Up Your Heart:

From all the hurt and hate the world gives--so that true love will always have a beautiful home to live within you.

Free Up Your Hands:

To always be willing to help those in need."

--From: My Auntie Annie Bland

Jealousy and Contempt Part 2.

Photo Credit: Bethany Mossburg

     Sometimes the mood of a song, not the lyrics themselves, captures the very expression of your heart. About a week ago, around the same time I hit Proverbs 6, is when I discovered this song.

     And now, in the emotional place of processing that I'm in, the mood of this song makes more sense than ever before.

     There's a longing. There's pain. There's confusion. There's a sparkle of hope. There's disappointment. All wrapped into something scarily beautiful.

     If you were to put your ear to my chest, this is how my heart would sound right now:

     When you see yourself. Truly. Something happens. It was an ordinary morning, and I opened my Bible. I was groggy, but I still forced myself to be present. I read. And I read some more. Proverbs 6:1. Then Proverbs 6:2. And routinely, I hit the next verse, and the next. Then I got to it.

     Verse 34 of Proverbs 6.

     "For jealousy detonates rage in a cheated husband." But my eyes only focused on "For jealousy detonates rage..."

     It hit me like lightening. And I started weeping. At first I had no idea why I was crying. But allowed myself to cry. And since I was busy crying, my mouth wasn't concerned with talking, but my ears were forced to listen. And when I did listen, it became painfully obvious that I had been trudging through jealousy almost my entire life. I had almost fooled everyone--including myself.

     My jealousy had been hiding, all these years. I had figured my performance in being a giving person would overshadow the pain of jealousy and hope deferred.

     But in the deep crevices of my heart while I stood in other people's weddings, celebrated new love, new promotion, dreams being fulfilled, I had allowed jealousy to begin to define me in the most subtle of ways. And in essence choking out freedom, the freedom to dream for the impossible, the freedom to truly, truly, truly know that I am enough and I that I am loved and significant.

     You know how some people you meet seem to have a chip on their shoulder. Well, my chip wasn't on my shoulder, it was under my skin. Which of course, makes it easier to hide anger, but the sting and pain still has the ability to erupt in the most inopportune times.

     As I sat with Proverbs 6:34, I saw myself. I had once been cheated on in a relationship. So I understand this verse with a truly tender heart. And I know many of you do as well.

     In the back of your mind, you are always wondering if you are enough, and in the hopes of always receiving a positive answer to that question, you often times over perform to gain people's time, affection, affirmation, etc... Key word being: Perform. But then we resent the performance. The performance we felt forced into, because Jealousy two-timed us with Contempt.

     I'll be honest with you, I haven't been in a relationship in over 10 years. On purpose. Partially because I couldn't trust a man. And partially because I couldn't trust myself. Somehow I thought I was protecting my heart, but now I realize that pain of being cheated on provoked Jealousy towards "the other woman" (and subsequently other women in general), and Jealousy had truly enraged me to the point of numbness, apathy, and fear in certain areas of my life.

      How easily is anger detonated in you? You may not be a screamer or a puncher, but you may still fester with anger. Believe me. I know.

     But God in His tenderness, didn't leave me just with the revelation of who I was or had been in the reflection of Proverbs. He began to show me something else...Which would then prepare me to face one of my seemingly biggest disappointments (and confusing) moments of 2012...

Wisdom's Knocking: 

"God is the God of promise. He keeps His word, even when that seems impossible; even when the circumstances seem to point to the opposite." 

-Colin Urquhart