How to Get a Good Girl [Back]

     I did this for you. Or rather for us.

     I'm becoming more and more aware of my target audience. And it feels so good and it feels so right to address you all as Queens.

     But now I'm turning our attention to the Kings...

     I'm a little confounded when men cry out that there's no good women out there, or that all the good women are taken. Rubbish.

     They clearly haven't met you or I.  [Subtle Giggle...#Facts]

     So Fellas, here are some of the very tip-toppy ways to get a good girl on your team, in your life, like real loyal, like the status of a wife....

     (Or for some of you...how to try and win her back...)

Let's Go:

A.  Would You "Woo-Woo-Woo..." #JeffreyOsbourne

     Get your "Woo" skills out.

     Texting and Facebook stalkery is not going to cut it here.

     Show her you want her attention. Be intentional and follow through.

     If you don't have her number, ask for it.

     If you have her number, call her (try not to email or text this whenever possible) and ask her for a date (Coffee date, lunch date, dinner date, 20 min. frozen yogurt date, drinks, etc., etc.) at least 2-3 days in advance. Last minute shenanigans shows a lack of respect for her and her time.

     We as women, love to know what we're in for, especially during the beginning stages of a relationship. And if your being wishy-washy about your Woo-Game, then you might just lose a potential Good Girl...

     If you've dated her in the past, take her to one of her favorite spots.

     And all in all, the art of wooing a woman has a lot to do with listening to her and looking her in her eyes.  Let her express her day, her hopes, her dreams, her disappointments without interruption.

     At the end of your time with her, it should be clear to her that you are saying, "You should be mine...all mine."

Video Link: Jeffrey Osbourne, "You Should Be Mine" 

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B.  Emotionally Invested

     Are you the guy that's been so wounded by women and people that you brood all day and play a guitar all night?

     Is your heart even open for love?

     When you as a man, choose to allow your heart to feel and not only feel, but get emotionally connected to a good girl--your life will never be the same.  #Trust

     She will fill the reservoirs of your heart with joy, encouragement, and hope for your future. She'll make sure you're on the road to reaching your dreams as well as her own.

     When you show an active interest in at least one or two things that your particular Good Girl likes to do, or her work/career grind, she will be one of your biggest cheerleaders in life.

     Furthermore, when you choose to not only invest in her personal endeavors, but to invest emotionally -- sharing your own stories, those stories that have shaped your life, whether trauma or triumph, you're letting your lady know that she's the one you're choosing to share your heart with and you want her to be a significant part of your life.

Video Link: Whitney Houston, "So Emotional"

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C. Compliment Her

     So yeah. That's pretty straightforward....

Video Link: Sam Cooke, "Tenderness"

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D.  Tell it to the World

     Sure, you can make it "Facebook Official", but more importantly, your family and close friends should know when you are really startin' to "feel" a particular Good Girl.

     And yes, there might be haters out there. And haters gon' hate.

     But when your Good Girl sees that you aren't ashamed to tell the world about your love and adoration for her, I can guarantee she's gonna want to stick around for the long run. #TeamLoyal

Video Link: Teddy Pendergrass, "When Somebody Loves You Back"

 +++

Bonus Material:  

     You've noticed she's sultry and cute on Instagram and looks intriguing--even on Facebook, but how do you know she's not crazy? Better yet, how do you know if she's a ride or die, legit "Good Girl?" 

How to Spot a Good Girl: 

+An online presence just isn't' going to cut it. You'll need real life experience for this. 

+You think you've spotted a Good Girl online...Well... as quick as you can, get from the virtual world to the real world. Be brave. Shoot her a message via email, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, etc. BUT be a Gentle-man about yours. And if you two have mutual friends, even better (actually PREFERRED). But start a gentle dialogue online for at least a few weeks. Ask her how her day was, what's she's looking forward to, etc. After a few weeks, if it's wise, safe, and advantageous (for BOTH involved), and she hasn't put the pause or halt on your communication, ask her for a low-key coffee date. The goal is to get from the virtual world to the real world as soon as possible, to find out the Truth: 

+ How does she talk about her friends, people in general -- if she's prone to gossip and see the worst in a given situation. All I have to say to you is: NOPE. 

+Look for the girl who is genuinely encouraging the heck out of the other ladies in the room. 

+Look in your circle of amazing friendships, often we discount our own circle of friends. But get over that awkwardness and take the leap!

+At a coffee shop, notice how your potential crush talks to the barista or cashier.
People are constantly showing you who they really are, we simply have to pay attention...#Selah

Video Link: Aaron Neville, "Tell It Like It Is"

Wisdom's Knocking:

He who finds a wife, finds what is good.
And receives favor from the Lord.

- Proverbs 18:22

"Let Him Live"

     Let me explain.

     I'm waiting.

     I'm waiting ever so patiently for a response from a kind soul.

     He said he would reply.

     And I believe that he will.

     But he hasn't yet.

     But in the meantime, my mind is playing tricks on me, and my heart is concocting crazy stories and scenarios.

     Something happens to us when we are forced to exercise patience. And let me just tell you, it's not always pretty.

     Why am I banking so much on a certain reply...

     Well therein lies my current expectation, of which I'm not quite ready to face.

     Unrequited love/like is the pits, and like you, I've had my fair share.

     It can feel a bit exhausting to believe, to hope, to trust in love just one more time.

     But that's the only way I know how to live.

     Meanwhile, I'm out here trying to follow my own advice, you know, not act thirsty, keep hope alive (even though I haven't dated anyone in over 10 years (not a misprint), and know that I'm a high value type of girl,  through and through--I mean:

     This surge of confidence has come from a variety of kindhearted people who took the time to read, "Excerpts" and expressed to me how much they believe in my own love story unfolding one day soon. Thank you. And Thank you.

     I am still humbled and in awe at how many of my guy friends and male co-workers are so protective of me. I love it. And Guys: When it happens for real for me, you'll be some of the first to know. I promise. And thank you for telling me I'm beautiful. These things don't fall on ungrateful ears. I hold them close.

     So what do I do, while I wait on his reply...

     Well.

     I'm just going to let him live.

     He knows I'm here.

     I know he's there.

     Maybe it's nothing.

     Or maybe it's something.

     And maybe we both know, but are too afraid to say...

Wisdom's Knocking:

“Don't try to rush things: for the cup to run over, it must first be filled.”

 ― Antonio Machado

Guest Post: "Know You, Love You, and Be You"

     I started dating late in life. I joke I had the understanding of a 16 year old but a body of
a 25 year old. Needless to say I learned a hard lesson on how nothing good happens
after midnight. I got wrapped in a relationship without commitment and once a soul tie
was made, I lost “me” along the way. It's been a long journey that I'm still walking out
but who I am today is more gracious, loving and fearless because I've allowed myself
the grace to accept all the good, the bad and ugly.

     Here's some nuggets I've learned along my “34 year” way.

     Know you, Be you and Love you.

     You have to know who you are before you can know who you are in a relationship.
You have to be you in all your quirkiness and give them the permission to love you
just as you are. You have to truly love yourself with all your junk knowing you are a
beautiful work in progress. Being authentic with yourself gives you a healthy ability to
grow and just BE in a relationship. If you like doors to be opened don't apologize for
it, just give them grace to learn but stand your ground. If hanging with your bros is
important then stay true to that while respecting the time and needs of your girl. I am
a true believer in making what's important to them important to you but make sure you
don't lose “you” along the way. Having self-respect is one of the greatest gifts you can
give yourself and it starts with loving your beautiful, messy, honest, (sometimes) crazy,
adorable, loveable self.

    Shame is a prison but you have the keys.

     If you have gone places in the past that has brought you shame, Let It Go! Shame is
an awful thing that paralysis you from your potential. It makes you seem small when
really you are strong, able, vivacious and free. Shame defines you as “less than”,
Grace defines you with respect, honor, and worth. What you do might shape you but
it doesn't define you. Don't allow shame to steal a minute, a day, a year of your life.
Acceptance of what was and the ability to set it free will give you grace to lift up your
head in dignity and receive the love that is for you. No good comes from shame.

     What is for you will not pass you by.

     I have been trapped by fear that “IT” may never come unless I work at “it” and make
“it” happen. If I pray a little harder, dream a little bigger, focus more intently it will
suddenly manifest. But as cliché as it sounds when you least expect it, that is when
it happens. Shifting your attention off the thing is not only healthy but helpful. I think
when we want something so bad we send out this needy energy that can come across
as “too much” and unattractive. You might not say I'm desperate with your words but
it's oozing from your very being. The best way to combat “desperato-ville” is to take
your energy off “when will it come” and put it on “who you will be when it does”. I truly
believe that the right (un-perfect) but perfect for you person will come and the best
is to rest in that fact. Find new hobbies, live full adventures, make memories with the
best human beings you've surrounded yourself with and when your person comes they
will be a beautiful addition to a full life that already exist.

     You are enough. You're growing, learning, being and trusting. You are in the right
place. Shake off what was and set your soul free. Lift up your eyes and hold on to
hope. It will happen. Don't sweat it, control it, fear it or force it. Rest in the fact it WILL
come to pass and be okay that there is nothing you can do about it.

###

     Kristen Joy Hilyard is a Texas based designer that over the last few years has stepped into her role as a life stylist expert. Through life experience, schooling, creativity, intuition and culture she has grown as an artist and recently launched her business 33Perspective. 

    33Perspective marries her passion for design with her desire to impact pertinent issues related to violence, isolation, and re-imagining one’s life. Each of her pieces are hand design and crafted with intention. 

     Whether stamped, beaded, sculpted or found, they are inspired with herself and others in mind. Her varied experience and influence in the entertainment industry includes the lead role in a short independent film, featured in local and national commercials, and several news segments on Fox News, Great Day Houston, Mirror Mirror, and as a co-host on a political talk show on CNN 650 Radio News. 

     Bohemian in style she frequently sports a sparkle headband with her blonde beach waves and will break out in song at any moment of the day. Spontaneous dancing usually follows…if you are lucky enough to be in her proximity, you will find yourself somewhere in her twirl. Her desire is to connect with the human spirit, and listen and decipher the intentions and hearts of all who visit her future talk show.

You can find out more about Kristen Hilyard here:  http://www.kristenjoy.com/

Holding Patterns

     I'm in a holding pattern of sorts.

     I can feel it.

     And as much as I'd like to buck the ways of the universe right now, something tells me to get still. To chill. To relax.

     This morning, I got an interesting Facebook friend request.

     When I saw the face of this guy, my stomach literally leapt, flew, fluttered, and then tried to carry on as if nothing had ever happened.

     Of course, I already knew who this guy was. But I am no longer falling for a man over a merely friendly gesture. So, I accepted the friend request with a semi-frozen heart.

     But the nerve of my heart and body to still have such a strong reaction to his presence.

     And all the while, I feel like a little red plane circling in the skies, waiting for the control tower to give me permission to land.

     Land where, exactly? I'm not entirely sure.

     But I spent a Wednesday with one of my dearest friends, Yajaira.

     We spent the day eating, walking, bumping into old friends, people watching, and listening to each other's tales of heartbreak and disappointment.

     I don't know how long this holding pattern will last, I'm honestly praying that it will be over once I wake up tomorrow, or by the time you finish reading this post.

     But repeat after me: "Good things still happen."

     They happen in big packages and small. And sometimes even medium packages.

     Today, Yajaira and I embraced our small packages, called them blessings, and hugged each other like sisters when it was time to say good-bye.

     We in our laugh-crying state of being, hope that our future is more memorable than our past, but we are painfully aware that it will take blood, sweat, and tears--otherwise known as waiting, to get there.

     Meanwhile, life is still being lived.

     Beauty is still all around us.

     And even though the drab of missed opportunities and unmet expectation linger in the atmosphere, God is known for taking brokenness aside and making it oh, so incredibly and surprisingly beautiful.

Wisdom's Knocking:

"He has made everything beautiful in its time." 

In its time.

-Ecclesiastes 3:11a

Companionship

     In honor of National Poetry month, I thought it'd be fun this week to dig up some uber dramatic poetry that I did in my twenties, dedicated to my future husband. First up, "Companionship"!

Companionship

So-- am I finally ready to accept?

It is so clear when I have space

Space to move and to think

I have felt free, this day I have no more

Heart and soul murmurs

My heart now beats like an African drum

Your eyes are what draw me in 

To tell the story

To show me why

I've prayed for you and asked the Divine

I concentrate on words as if they were my last

With you I see my future, present 

And my past.

Where Have All the Good Men Gone?

     

     This morning, I was listening to an awesome message on "How to Get Married" by the amazingly funny Alyn Jones.

     Because see, last night I hit a bit of a rough patch. My body was tired and so was my mind. And my default setting went into, "I miss my man", "I wish my man was here" mode. And then I started feeling sorry for myself, and as I lay in bed, I just started weeping.

     I do love my sensitive heart and that I chose not to be a calloused non-feeling individual. There's freedom in that. But I don't just stop there in my own emotions. I ask God to show me what the heck is really going on with my heart.

     Truth be told, that week I was beating myself up a little bit. Or a lot a bit. I felt this immense pressure to perform and accomplish something great. To prove to myself that I could.  But I was becoming miserable in the process.

    You know when you have a crush on someone (or you're in an unhealthy relationship), and you so subtly start morphing into the type of person you think they adore, all the while, losing a real sense of who you are distinctly.

     Well ever since coming back from Europe last year, I had this sense in my spirit that my future boo would be in his life stage of true purpose and passion. Living and doing the thing in which God created him to do. Knowing and feeling this brought me a great sense of excitement; but it also stirred me with a bit of jealousy. I mean what would or could I possibly bring to the table?

     I know that question seems a bit silly. But I also know we all feel inadequate at times, simply not enough, while the exact opposite remains true. You are enough. But here I was in the midst of feeling my own emotions, which happened to be betraying me.

     The point of conflict rested in the fact that I'm in a season of reset and transition regarding my God-given calling and purpose. I've begun a new dedication to this blog with the goal of reaching and encouraging as many single women as I possibly can, writing short stories, working on a book, finishing a script, and saying yes to speaking opportunities (especially involving single women) beyond the youth group that I love.

     But prior to this year, I had gotten quite comfortable simply doing my work in television and tending to my small youth group. Awesome, purpose-inspired, and honorable work indeed, but not the last chapter of the book.

     So here I am carrying this seed of things to come, and yet everything is not in its place, not yet established, not even close--and that feels very unnerving to me.

     In the past, I've always known my 5 year-10 year plan. And when meeting guys then (College, Graduate School) it was easy for me to share where I was going in life and how, in specific terms, I would add value to their life. #letmeupgradeu.

     But now, I feel incredibly vulnerable in terms of destiny and my contributions to a rich marriage.

     I have vision indeed, but communicating that at the moment is proving a bit difficult because I'm still interpreting the language of destiny and purpose for myself.

     My writing, my voice, and the stories I love to share through this blog were becoming polluted with the pressure I was putting on myself to be great for you, great for him, and great for me.

     But those things (My writing, my voice, my stories) must never be used as platforms to affirm that I am a whole and worthy person. These are simply outlets. Gifts to be given, to myself and to others. God has already declared our eternal and astounding worth. So much so, He chooses to enter into relationship with us. #pause

     I had forgotten all of this. In my hopes of impressing myself and any potential suitor, I was putting on layers of performance, and the yoke was becoming heavier and heavier. Resentment was building in my soul, and my trust towards others was diminishing, especially my trust towards men and my future boo.

     So as I continued to listen to Alyn Jones teaching about preparing for marriage. My heart was getting healed. Alyn had also said a similar phrase that CeCie mentioned, in my interview with her a couple weeks back:

"Everybody has eyes to look, but not everybody's using their eyes to see." 

     And that's where I stood. I was becoming cynical about men. I expected to see a man that would be disapproving about my current transitional stage of life, and view me as unworthy and too unappealing to risk being in a relationship with.  Because that was my own apprehensiveness.

     And ladies, you'll find what you seek. Or rather, you'll project your fears on every guy that tries to honestly and respectfully approach you.

     I've learned that cynicism quickly becomes toxic, giving birth to dishonor and later despair (A hint as to why some of the women in your life are "Bitter Bettys"...#imjustsayin) which act as walls between you and the opposite sex.

     So just as I realized I was dealing with a bitter, fearful, and cynical heart, It was then that Alyn starts talking about forgiveness and honoring the opposite sex. He then walks the listeners through a prayer of forgiveness and healing, where he stands in the gap for all men that have dishonored us as women. It was incredibly powerful. (The men weren't left out either, and were led into a healing prayer by Alyn's wife, A.J.).

     As I said the prayer, the heaviness in my heart began to lift. And hope began to arise once again. I felt more like myself than I had in weeks. My identity was being restored once again. And the Lord was proclaiming so kindly and sternly, "You are enough. You are so very worthy. And everyday-- I'm SO PROUD OF YOU."


     And with that profound revelation, my eye sight was restored.

     You'll find what you seek.

     Where have all the good men gone? I promise you, they're still out there and a lot closer than you think (Fathers, brothers, friends, cousins, etc). Often the good men are right where you left them.

     But on that romance tip, when you're ready, truly ready, don't worry--God knows a good man who can and will find you.

Wisdom's Knocking:

Don't let cynicism towards yourself or others, 

blind your heart from recognizing true love.

+++

(The famous line is at: 08:35 in the clip below. xo)

I Wanna Lighten Your Load - My Messy Beautiful

{This post and I are part of the Messy, Beautiful Warrior Project — To learn more and join us, CLICK HERE! And to learn about the New York Times Bestselling Memoir Carry On Warrior: The Power of Embracing Your Messy, Beautiful Life, just released in paperback, CLICK HERE!}

     You know that moment when you hear a song and it moves you and you start singing the chorus, but you're not 100% sure if you're singing the right lyrics, but you keep karaoke singing anyway.

     Well, that happened to me recently.

     I was listening to this song called, "Latch" by Disclosure featuring the amazing Sam Smith.

     And everything was hitting me right about that song. The track, the vocals, the mix, etc. I was in the groove. And I was singing my little heart out in my living room, having my own personal dance party.

     The words of the song were just flowing naturally from my mouth. With that said, we get to the end of the first verse, before getting into the chorus...

     And I promise you I kept hearing and subsequently singing:

"I Wanna Lighten Your Load"

     And right then and there I vowed that this song would somehow be played at my future wedding reception.

     I mean, why wouldn't it be? The sentiment of helping someone carry a burden and helping them walk through this life's journey, right by their side, with a sense of deep gratitude, awe, and love. Yes please.

     Because we feel heavy at times--- the strain of our past, our baggage, our unresolved pain, our unmet and often dashed expectations, our discouragement, and of course, the weariness of the journey.

     "I wanna lighten your load...Could I lighten your load?"

     That sang like poetry to my heart and expressed perfectly what God had been doing in the midst of my very long and unique singleness journey.

     It's no longer about "Gimme, gimme, gimme my hot stud of a king husband." For reasons such as: I need great sex, I need status, I need to feel complete, I need to accomplish this milestone in life for my own identity and self worth's sake, etc. etc.

     But now, my heart simply yearns to lighten his load.

     Mind you, the prerequisites still stand for Mr. Man, (Kind, funny, loves God, has a job, wears deodorant,..etc.) but I no longer worry or harp on those matters. I trust God.

     But as for my role in my own romance story, the shape of who I am, has become so much more clear.

     I look forward to the day when I get to share my life with someone, and more than that, I know that God will use us both to help one another 'lighten the load.'  And here's the key--not just for ourselves, but I pray for countless others--for those that have been in the trenches of a broken heart, whether in relationship or regarding purpose and destiny.

     This type of love--of lightening the load was always meant to be continuous, rippling outward. I understand that so much more now. Because that's what God is constantly doing for us. Wanting to lighten our load:

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”    

                                                                                                        (Matthew 11:28-30 - The Message Translation) 

     Now in my 30s, I can honestly say, I am encouraged, strengthened, and full by the love that I have encountered by God in the valleys of being alone, being single for almost my entire life, wrestling, yelling, crying, enduring anxiety, panic attacks, embarrassment, doubt, and then somehow right back again to love.

     His-- is an enduring love.

     And His invitation to lighten the load, always stands, translating beyond time and space.

     So here I was processing this beautiful revelation regarding lightening the load, when I decided to look up the lyrics to the song I had been singing.

      Well, needless to say, Sam wasn't singing, "I wanna lighten your load." Instead he was singing, "I want to lock in your love." 

      Story of my life.

      And here I was, creating a story in my mind, almost bringing myself to tears off of something misinterpreted. #imean

      My mishap caused me to explore a road I wouldn't have traveled otherwise. It's funny how unexpected roads and journeys lead us to the places we actually needed to be.

     Someone said, if your not making mistakes you're not learning and growing.

     Well, in my case, it was because of the mistake and misinterpreted lyric that I was able to learn, grow, and reflect on my heart's journey.

     God can truly redeem anything.

     "I want to lock in your love." Yes, a beautiful lyric indeed. But now, I'm partial to my own remix. Sometimes the strange and beautiful lyrics we hear in our own heads, is the song that's meant to be sung by us...#selah

      I invite you to give thanks for those in your life that are helping you lighten the load. And may you have the honor of doing the same for someone else.

Wisdom's Knocking: 

"You, you lift my heart up.
when the rest of me is down.
You, you enchant me, even when you're not around.
If there are boundaries, I will try to knock them down.
I'm latching on babe, now I know what I have found.

I feel we're close enough.
I wanna lock in your love.
I think we're close enough.
Could I lock in your love baby.

Now I got you in my space.
I won't let go of you.
Got you shackled in my embrace.
I'm latching onto you."

- "Latch" - Disclosure ft. Sam Smith


***

I Liked Him

And you see this person who is beautiful. They take your breath away. There is daylight boasting in each one of their eyes. And for a moment you can envision something beyond the droll of your daily Winter routine. You were suffocating any way, just waiting for Spring to come along, someone to change it all.

You study them from afar, and you gather more intel proving that this person is celestial at worst, and yours at best.

You've never witnessed something so alluring, so prepossessing.

And then there's a mystical moment of recognition.

They smile at you.

You just can't believe your luck.

And now, all you want to be is theirs.

You've waited and you've searched.

Because something about them doesn't feel like an apartment. Something about them feels like home.

The consuming begins. Of which you hope leads to a full consummation on every level.

Thoughts and planning race through your mind.

And now you start hoping. Now you start praying.

It's taken a while for you to trust that the universe doesn't hate you, that God hasn't forgotten about you, because standing in front of you now is a miracle.

Months ago, you never even knew this person existed on the planet.

And with a mixture of disdain and bewilderment, you wonder how you've been living your whole life without such knowledge of the holy this entire time?

Because now you can believe in God again, after seeing such an engaging creature exist.

They are beautiful indeed.

And then comes the howling blow and battle of time.

The push and pull, the tension of waiting.

And trying to connect with this mysterious person is elusive, like trying to build a castle out of dry sand.

And then you begin to see the world of this person orbiting around a new planet.

And it becomes painfully clear they will never be yours to keep.

And you release them back to the daylight from which they came.

Grateful that you witnessed a miracle, just a bit sore that it couldn't be yours.

Wisdom's Knocking:

The question won't be if they are amazing. 

They probably will be. 

But will they be amazing for (and with) you--

That is the deciding factor.

When You Release

   

      I've been sharing with you how I've been fighting off anxiety these past 2 months. Which this anxiety was an unexpected surprise blow for me. And perhaps loads of people that get hit with waves of anxiety off and on in their lives can relate.

     It's so weird. Because I never really experienced any sort of anxiety in my life until I entered adulthood.

     I grew up encouraged and ready to take all kinds of risks and adventures in my life. But around 10 years ago, my bubble was burst. I had my first experience with crippling fear and anxiety. We are talking the type of fear, where you are afraid to leave the house or be around people. And where everything about your life seems like some weird mirage or video game world. I promise you, I thought I was going to have to commit myself to some mental illness facility. True story.

     But the story did not end there.

     The short version ending went something like this:

     Prayer  & Choosing Faith.

     Choosing to believe that good things still can and DO happen.

     Because at first glance, my anxiety 10 years ago  (similar to what I was experiencing in December), would have appeared to have come out of nowhere. But that was not entirely true.

     There were some pretty significant triggers then, and there were also some triggers recently:

     Transition + Disappointment + Fear = Anxiety Cocktail

     Now you may be a 1.5 on the scale of anxiety or you may be a 9.9, but I can almost guarantee that there is an intersection of these emotional and physical stages that have not been resolved in your life and/or  have not been honestly given a chance to be influenced by the Truth of God's love.

     In many cultures, there is a rite of passage. A moment, a victory, that celebrates a child officially embracing the next stage of life.

     It seems as though, in our eclectic American culture, we don't yet have a clear cut rite of passage for our young people as they become recognized as adults.

     I do like this idea of proving oneself. Not just for the sake of the community, but for the sake of the individual transitioning into a new stage of live. Because it is in times of challenge and trial that we are truly exposed and formed.

     It's fascinating to me, that despite our lack of official ceremony in the actual doing of a rite of passage, God still knows how to reach our hearts, challenge us to love more honestly than we've ever done before, and cause us to truly grow in very deliberate ways.

     I'm learning more and more that it's simply our job to cling. To cling ever so close to God, gently releasing all other things and people. But you and I must in many ways, fight to cling to love, because it won't always feel like the most natural thing to do.

     But keep releasing, and then keep clinging.

     Because you will--yes you will, make your way through this wondrous and mysterious rite of passage that has now been set before us.

Wisdom's Knocking:

“There's truths you have to grow into.” 

 -- H.G. Wells, 

Love and Mr. Lewisham

Butterflies Matter

     It's always the little things that leave the most astounding impressions.

     If I meet you for the first time, I may not fully remember your name, but I'll remember that you have a beautiful birth mark on your neck, of which you probably hate. But it almost looks like the shape of a heart.

     And maybe you were ridiculed all your life because of it, maybe that's why you constantly act as though your poppin' your collar, constantly doing a scaled down version of Benedict Cumberbatch's Sherlock Holmes.

     But that's no matter to me.

     It's the little things that leave the most astounding impressions.

    When I looked down at his feet, he was wearing these antique looking cowboy boots and they somehow reminded me of the Civil War. I didn't expect that. I didn't expect him to be so forthright with his fashion choices. So bold. But what stood out most, was the glimmer in his eyes. Both of them. Usually, I see people that have an exceptionally bright light in one eye, not him. Both eyes were shining--with love, towards me.

     It wasn't the boots that were astounding, but it was the fragility of his eyes.

     I bet you were made fun of too. For being too sensitive, not having a strong enough backbone. I know, they did that to me too.

     But I learned it takes courage to cry.

     Tears matter.

     And when you hugged me, you pressed your chin ever so softly into my shoulder. You held it there for a while. It wasn't the hug that did me in. It was your chin.

     It's the littlest things that leave the most astounding impressions.

     And I noticed today, that there's a whole world of beauty and strength around us, even in our defeat. There's someone still carrying a torch for us, whether unrequited or not. And it's the glimmer of hope that streaks across the sky each morning, as the sun rises to remind you of a new day's promises.

     No, things won't be the same. Not as they were.

     That season has past.

     But you are still in the race.

     And when I get overwhelmed by the forest and the trees, I remind myself, that there are still butterflies in the world.

Wisdom's Knocking:

“It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely the most important.” 

 ― Arthur Conan Doyle, The Memoirs of Sherlock Holmes

The Lingering Crush

     

     For once, I'm not in that frantic mindset, where you keep replaying fake scenes in your mind of having a conversation with the person you have a crush on, and somehow in this made-up scenario, that deep soul satisfying conversation quickly turns into a sweet embrace and then possibly the best kiss you may have ever had in your entire life. But then you pull yourself out of this ridiculous daydream, not simply from a deep sense of conviction and a need for repentance, but because said person happens to be standing in front of you asking a question.

     Crushes are exhausting.

     I mean, why do they feel like they suck the life out of you.

     I'm convinced because its like a romance mind game of chess. You keep trying to predict your opponents every move and your necessary or probable counter moves. Of which, you never get to use a majority of your moves, because progress between you and said crush either never really escalate or they are actually making basketball plays and you realize you've been prepping for the wrong game all along.

     I know. No one prepared you for crushes.

     And no one tells us that those suckers don't go away easily.

     I mean, it may have taken a hot second for you to fall head over heels for this person, but by goodness their memory is forever imprinted on your mind.

     But this year, I want you to be open to love like you've never been open before.

     I felt it important to write to those of you that have had a lingering person of comparison on your mind. The one who has become the romantic standard in your life.

     Now look, I'm all about standards and knowing your worth. But when a standard prevents you from moving forward, chances are it's not just a standard, but has become a comfortable place of fear.

     What do I mean by a comfortable place of fear?

     Well as long as no one looks like or acts exactly like your former crush, you feel no need to open your heart or move forward in love. You stand still. Or as I like to see it, you stay stuck.

     I've said this many times, but often romantic love surprises us and doesn't always look like we previously imagined. Now that doesn't mean that your boo is going to look hideous or that you two won't have essential things in common, it simply means, you just might be pleasantly surprised who you open up your life to.

     So be open.

     And don't let the woulda been, coulda been, shoulda been story continue to play in your mind. Let go, and get ready to receive afresh.

Wisdom's Knocking:

“One can begin so many things with a new person! - even begin to be a better man.” 

 ― George Eliot, Middlemarch

The "F" Word

Do you know what happened to me last week...I was attacked by the "F" word.

People drop that F bomb to solidify boundaries. You're there. I'm here. Back up, fool.

It's a wall. And oddly enough it brings freedom when it trickles off the tongue of its master.

I cannot tell you how many times I've been assaulted by this word. It keeps me in my place. I feel pimp slapped and suffocated all at the same time.

But then I get angry. What can I say or do to combat the effects of such a ferocious word?

Instead of a comeback, I'm left to sizzle in my own thoughts. Wondering why I even let such an ignorant display of self preservation affect me so.

But then I realize something else,

Something far more scary than the "F" word itself...

It's the knowing that this word actually needed to be said.

Nothing else would have had the same power and influence.

A boundary needed to be placed.

Because truth be told, I was feeling woozy and a bit dreamy eyed and muddled about my intentions, my opinions, and my stance.

But now, there's no mistaking, I know where I truly stand.

Although it's not December 31st,  I was curious and ready to bet it all, once again.

But you have outrightly declared that you and I will...most likely... only be...



Friends.

Wisdom's Knocking:

“The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, not the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when you discover that someone else believes in you and is willing to trust you with a friendship.”

― Ralph Waldo Emerson

Well...Being Single...It's Not So Bad

   

     Just started going through all my Europe photos properly.

     People: There are over 1000 photos! I mean, I was taking pictures like it was my day job. Meanwhile, I get to relive over and over again the feelings and emotions of seeing pretty things, familiar things, foreign things. And I remember. And it makes me smile. Oh how I just love different cultures. I love the blend of old and new. By the way, most of the photos in this post will be from Italy, more specifically, Rome.

     Oh, yeah. And I'm single.

     But the way I see it, I've been afforded precious time to live adventurously, passionately, inquisitively, and honorably while being free and unattached. That aspect of singlehood is quite lovely.

     We won't go into my love of all things Christmas and how "Love Actually" is about to be on repeat in my house causing me to question the very idea of agreeing to a singleness vow that extends through the holidays.




     But nevertheless, we will stay strong! Here in this place, I look at my heart and I am so very proud. I'm so proud that I have the heart that I do. To My Heart: You are a beautiful champion. I never EVER thought I'd be in my 30s unmarried and without any real prospects. You my heart, my friend, amaze me. We're in this together. And I won't let you down. I'm learning again how to be a fearless Single-- independent, but not calloused and never despondent.

     My heart has been so free and protected this year. There's been far less of those posts from the perspective of a broken and wounded heart. But rather, there's been a new sense of life that has permeated every aspect of my being.

     And can I just tell you... I'm convinced God is helping me keep my own singleness vow. Any guy that I even think of considering or try to flirt with has either just entered into a relationship,  runs away from me, is in a relationship, or bats for the other team. No joke. This is real life. So I'm gonna calm my behind down until December 31st.

     I talked to my mom last night, she seemed to think that I might be holding onto bitterness when it comes to my own singleness. But I told her, "Hmm, I think I'm good though, but I'll pray about it." No joke, I get off the phone, pray about it, and do you know what gets highlighted to me...

     "Sexual Frustration"

     Yep. We keeps it real on this blog.

     I was once asked,

"What do you do about this sexual frustration? Especially since you don't have sex...??"

     Well, I know your next thought would be...well what about self-sex? And while this technique of relief works for countless folks, I personally don't subscribe to it. Not that I hadn't tried in my past, but it just felt empty and a bit weird. And what I really wanted was...well...a body on top of mine. Too much, too soon? Probably, but you celibate singles out there know what I'm talking about.

     So what do you do, Patrice?

     I dance. I get contemplative and write random disjointed blog posts. I have a glass of wine and watch a BBC show. You know, the usual.

     And I work pray through it.

My view from the Ponte Fabricio (Fabricius Bridge), Rome, Italy

     All this for what I consider to be the sacred apex of exchange between a man and a woman, God's mysterious and beautiful design.  So in essence, it doesn't just come down to intercourse, but rather, true and intimate contact with a human being. The actual unhindered closeness of a body next to yours, with full permission and acceptance. That's the goal. But often, this type of connection doesn't start with the body, but rather with the spirit and the soul and then the body. And that's the Cliff notes version of why I'm still a "unicorn".

   
     Okay. How the heck did we get here? I pity the poor person that simply wanted to see pretty pictures of Italy and got exposed to some weird singlehood sex talk. I'm sorry. And being single, it's really not that bad, really.

     At least not all the time.

     Oh, in case you couldn't tell from my photos, Italy is kinda romantic. But I was so distracted by eating every 2 hours and drinking wine that I didn't have time to feel sorry for myself. In fact, I think I felt quite giddy that entire trip.

     It was probably the gelato.

Wisdom's Knocking:

“At the least, bear patiently, if thou canst not joyfully. And although thou be very unwilling to hear it, and feel indignation, yet check thyself, and suffer no unadvised word to come forth from thy lips, whereby the little ones may be offended. Soon the storm which hath been raised shall be stilled, and inward grief shall be sweetened by returning grace.”

 ― Thomas à Kempis, The Imitation of Christ.

S. R. L.

      

      I've been thinking about you.

     Wondering what it is that keeps drawing you back to my writings. I mean, this has been a bit of a self indulgent journey so far. But I've realized more so today, more than ever that I have a tribe. You're my tribe. You get me. And I get you.

     They don't know me like you do.

     I don't know what kind of day you had today. Was it mediocre? The same as yesterday. Or are you in that ever-so-common place of simply waiting for something, anything to happen.

     A moment to shake up all moments, to simply remind yourself that you are alive.

     But I discovered something today.

     You and I.

     We are alive.

     Life is happening now.

Photo Credit: Adria Elena

     "S."

     Singlehood.

     No one can escape life without it. It can be a life long season (Please Jesus...No....), or just a season to occupy your adolescence, or perhaps your latter years. But no one, no one can escape the grip of singlehood. At some point, you and yourself have to face things, wrestle things out on your own, bring your lonely and timid heart to God without fanfare without prodding. Everyone gets their chance. I don't want you to be scared. Don't be scared of the pain. You'll make it through to the other side, I promise.

     I promise. There's riches to be had, even in this stage of life.

     In this blog, you've been let in on some of my biggest secrets and have walked with me in my semi-long journey of singleness in all its messiness, confusion, pain, and beauty. We've cried and laughed our way into Wisdom's arms, many, many times.

     True, my journey might not look like yours, but I know that we share similar themes.

     I once thought I was writing this blog strictly to a group of girls in their mid 20s to mid 40s. But I was grossly mistaken.

     The feedback I now get from my blog comes from men and women alike, ranging in ages from 17-65.

     And what is the common thread here? Obstacles and learning how to overcome? Yes, partly.  But even more intimately so: We all know the shape of our own faces, the contour of our lips, the width of our necks, the placement of our ears, yet we still need a mirror in order to properly see who we really are and look like to the rest of the world.

    Yes. A mirror.

     And that is what I hope we both achieve in the presence of this blog and the writings that we exchange.

     That we would rightly see. That we would rightly know who we really are, above the lies, above the mediocrity of our circumstance, above the ridicule of others and our own minds.

     I once used to be ashamed of my singleness. Like it was leprosy. While those all around me engaged in adventurous romances which seemed to be non-existent or transient for me. I've been in countless weddings, cried at Hallmark commercials, accomplished major life goals, all while wanting the arms of my man around me. But I realize now, with such confidence, that I am not alone. I'm not the only one who has walked this path.

     And I decided through the creation of this blog, that I, in no way would sit waiting for my life to begin. My life is truly happening now. And it is vibrant, more hopeful, more cherished than it's ever been. I couldn't imagine living any other way at this point in my life.

     I can't believe I just wrote that. I mean--

     Especially because last year this time, I was crying in my mother's arms, as I could barely speak my heart's longings for my future husband boo.

    Nevertheless. God.

     There's no way at this point in my life that you could convince me that He is not real, that He is not Kind, Faithful, and Ever Present. He has been all of those things and more to me. My entire life. And yours.

      And as I continue to explore this mystery of Singlehood, I'm finding purpose and unexpected doors of blessing and love opening my way and beckoning me to walk through. I know the same will be for you.

      Regardless if you are married, dating, or single, I address this theme, this state of Singlehood in the significant and weighty way of how we are all single and naked before an all knowing and seeing God. And that we have a responsibility to love, to love others, to love ourselves and to manage our own emotions, your own personhood with Wisdom-- to see yourself and your circumstances rightly, through the lens of not just my own experiences, but through the lens of a deeply profound and loving God.

Photo Credit: Tyler Ward

    "R."

     Romance.

     Duh.

     I'm about it.

    And if you aren't, you've most likely been burned...burned very bad in a past relationship. Or your home life growing up absolutely sucked. I'm just being real.

     People that tell me that they never want to get married or be in a relationship, basically tell me, I'm too afraid to make myself vulnerable because I know the pain that can happen, if somebody does you dirty. I don't want to take that risk. I never want to hurt like that ever, ever, ever again...or at all.

     Valid.

     But fear will always be the lesser of noble choices. In fact, agreeing with fear is never a noble choice at all. Instead....well, you already know...You should agree with Love.

     When I think of Love, I think of how little kids play.

     Stick a little kid in their own backyard or a park and they can begin to create thousands of worlds of make-believe, and the most mundane thing becomes major miracles in their worlds. Their eyes are always full of awe and wonder.

     We were never meant to lose that.

     Romance is not simply being wooed, but seeing with eyes of awe and wonder. Recognizing the beauty of breathing, having eyes to see sunlight, enjoying the decadent taste of your favorite food.

     To choose love is difficult.

     To keep choosing love after you've been hurt is harder.

     But I ask you further still.

     Choose the risk.

     Choose...

     Love.

     I'm a firm believer that we were never meant to go and live life alone. But rather, connected to other human beings.

     In addition to that:

     You were made for romance. 

     For real.

     Let that sink in.

     Yes, I may be practically a spinster, but I definitely gots romance in my life. Ya heard. I'm learning more and more about how to get excited about the little things and to appreciate everything. I allow myself to get excited about little stupid things like chocolate (I take that back, chocolate is NOT stupid.) and vanilla wafers waaaaaay to much. I also allow people to love me.

     Someone who fights romance in their life at all costs will be defensive. Believe me. I know.

     But when you allow yourself to be loved, even just through kind acts, a smile from a cashier, a helping hand with your luggage on the subway, or sincere eye contact from a friend, awe and wonder are returning to your heart.

     I also allow the things that I love, to love me back. Meaning, I love to dance. So when I dance, I enjoy it. Immensely. Intentionally.

     So whether you are single, dating, or married, you are made for romance.

     It's really a multi-faceted and beautiful thing.

Photo Credit: Adria Elena

     "L."

     Life.

     What more needs to be said.

     We all live life.

     Whether you're single, dating, or married, you were made to live this life.

     We are all on this planet, making a path, sharing our stories, laughing at our old bad hair styles, and often worrying about our future.

     Our world is changing. And it's about to change even more.

     But we were given this time, to make our mark, to share our journeys, and to make new pathways for those that will walk on this planet in future years.

     The bigger picture. There is one. And you absolutely fit in.

     What piece are you exactly? What piece am I exactly?

     We're too close to the painting now.

     But in future years will see more clearly.

     But You and I.

     We are alive.

     And life is happening now.

Wisdom's Knocking:

You were meant to flourish.