Showing posts with label how to. Show all posts
Showing posts with label how to. Show all posts

Friday, December 19, 2014

How to Get a Good Girl [Back]



     I did this for you. Or rather for us.

     I'm becoming more and more aware of my target audience. And it feels so good and it feels so right to address you all as Queens.

     But now I'm turning our attention to the Kings...

     I'm a little confounded when men cry out that there's no good women out there, or that all the good women are taken. Rubbish.

     They clearly haven't met you or I.  [Subtle Giggle...#Facts]

     So Fellas, here are some of the very tip-toppy ways to get a good girl on your team, in your life, like real loyal, like the status of a wife....

     (Or for some of you...how to try and win her back...)

Let's Go:

A.  Would You "Woo-Woo-Woo..." #JeffreyOsbourne

     Get your "Woo" skills out.

     Texting and Facebook stalkery is not going to cut it here.

     Show her you want her attention. Be intentional and follow through.

     If you don't have her number, ask for it.

     If you have her number, call her (try not to email or text this whenever possible) and ask her for a date (Coffee date, lunch date, dinner date, 20 min. frozen yogurt date, drinks, etc., etc.) at least 2-3 days in advance. Last minute shenanigans shows a lack of respect for her and her time.

     We as women, love to know what we're in for, especially during the beginning stages of a relationship. And if your being wishy-washy about your Woo-Game, then you might just lose a potential Good Girl...

     If you've dated her in the past, take her to one of her favorite spots.

     And all in all, the art of wooing a woman has a lot to do with listening to her and looking her in her eyes.  Let her express her day, her hopes, her dreams, her disappointments without interruption.

     At the end of your time with her, it should be clear to her that you are saying, "You should be mine...all mine."







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B.  Emotionally Invested

     Are you the guy that's been so wounded by women and people that you brood all day and play a guitar all night?

     Is your heart even open for love?

     When you as a man, choose to allow your heart to feel and not only feel, but get emotionally connected to a good girl--your life will never be the same.  #Trust

     She will fill the reservoirs of your heart with joy, encouragement, and hope for your future. She'll make sure you're on the road to reaching your dreams as well as her own.

     When you show an active interest in at least one or two things that your particular Good Girl likes to do, or her work/career grind, she will be one of your biggest cheerleaders in life.

     Furthermore, when you choose to not only invest in her personal endeavors, but to invest emotionally -- sharing your own stories, those stories that have shaped your life, whether trauma or triumph, you're letting your lady know that she's the one you're choosing to share your heart with and you want her to be a significant part of your life.






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C. Compliment Her

     So yeah. That's pretty straightforward....







-----


D.  Tell it to the World

     Sure, you can make it "Facebook Official", but more importantly, your family and close friends should know when you are really startin' to "feel" a particular Good Girl.

     And yes, there might be haters out there. And haters gon' hate.

     But when your Good Girl sees that you aren't ashamed to tell the world about your love and adoration for her, I can guarantee she's gonna want to stick around for the long run. #TeamLoyal





 +++

Bonus Material:  
     You've noticed she's sultry and cute on Instagram and looks intriguing--even on Facebook, but how do you know she's not crazy? Better yet, how do you know if she's a ride or die, legit "Good Girl?" 
How to Spot a Good Girl: 
+An online presence just isn't' going to cut it. You'll need real life experience for this. 
+You think you've spotted a Good Girl online...Well... as quick as you can, get from the virtual world to the real world. Be brave. Shoot her a message via email, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, etc. BUT be a Gentle-man about yours. And if you two have mutual friends, even better (actually PREFERRED). But start a gentle dialogue online for at least a few weeks. Ask her how her day was, what's she's looking forward to, etc. After a few weeks, if it's wise, safe, and advantageous (for BOTH involved), and she hasn't put the pause or halt on your communication, ask her for a low-key coffee date. The goal is to get from the virtual world to the real world as soon as possible, to find out the Truth: 
+ How does she talk about her friends, people in general -- if she's prone to gossip and see the worst in a given situation. All I have to say to you is: NOPE. 
+Look for the girl who is genuinely encouraging the heck out of the other ladies in the room. 
+Look in your circle of amazing friendships, often we discount our own circle of friends. But get over that awkwardness and take the leap!
+At a coffee shop, notice how your potential crush talks to the barista or cashier.
People are constantly showing you who they really are, we simply have to pay attention...#Selah














Wisdom's Knocking:

He who finds a wife, finds what is good.
And receives favor from the Lord.

- Proverbs 18:22








Sunday, June 08, 2014

4 Things I Learned From Waiting On My Good Things To Arrive...

   


     Everyone talks about the hustle, the go-out-and-get-it-done-mode. But what if that still small voice is telling you to wait? Are you a crazy person? Are you being lazy to just wait? Perhaps.

     I mean, I don't know you personally, but often that still small voice is God trying to tell you something. 

     There's a place for hustle. But there's also a place for waiting.

Here are 4 things I've learned in waiting for some Good Things to Arrive into  My Life:

1. Like a toddler who can't have his favorite toy right away, there will be tears.   
    Yes. There will be tears. AND IT'S OKAY. 
     Let's get passed this weird thought that crying makes you weak. I'd rather release the stress out of my body than hold onto it and inherit illness. 
     So with that said, You will cry and get frustrated and be tempted to throw a prom like pity party. But DON'T. Allow yourself some tears. It means you actually care about the good thing you are waiting for. 
     Plus, our tears are never wasted material in God's eyes. But rather, something very, very precious to Him. And I find that tears keeps our own hearts soft and not calloused towards ourselves, God, or people.


2. Surround yourself with hope-filled people.  
      We all know that misery loves company. And gossip breeds like weeds, ready to choke out the life of the offender and the listeners. 
     So make sure you have a good core of people (1-3) that encourage you and remind you of your own heart and your own hopes and dreams when you forget yours or when you rather jump ship regarding the thing you're waiting for. 
     No one achieves success on their own. No one. 
     It's been said that you are the average of the 5 people you hang around the most.  
     Um. What. Can we just let that sink in for a minute.




     Okay. 
     So if these people closest to you are not reflecting the very best of you...you may delay the good thing that is trying to get to you.  
     Mind you, there may be a Judas in the pack, but they should definitely not be the majority of your closest friendships.


3. Others will most likely get that good thing you've been waiting on, BEFORE YOU. And it's imperative you learn to celebrate with them. 
     If you can't, I can promise you that bitterness is ready to snatch your little heart up and make you look and feel like an 88 year old full of regret before your time. 
     And when you're unable to celebrate the victory of others, you display a sense of emotional immaturity. Showing that you're not quite ready for your good thing to arrive. 
     Because you see, good things, while they are for us, are not meant to stop with us. They are meant to flourish and be shared.  
     And if our heart's intent is solely selfish, God has such a tender way of softening our hearts and motives with His love.  
     Learning to celebrate someone else's victory with a sincere heart (fake smiles don't count here) will free you up in the long run. 
     But look, I'm not asking you to fake it out. I want you to be honest with God, and tell Him that your heart, your pride, your whatever is hurt while in the midst of celebrating someone else's victory if that be the case. 
      I find when I'm this real and honest with God, He somehow does what my dad would do in real life when I was a young girl. My dad would often take me for frozen yogurt. TCBY to be exact.  
     It was my favorite thing to do with my dad.  
    We didn't have to talk or anything. My dad just knew that I needed a pick-me-up. That something was weighing on my heart and I just needed something good, something sweet. 
     I find that God continues to do this in my life. Whether someone sends me an encouraging email out of the blue, a sweet comment on my blog or Instagram, gives me a free dessert on my tab, or simply offers to give me a hug. I take these "TCBY" moments and I hold them dear. 
     God knows. 
     He knows.  
     You good thing will still arrive on perfect time.



4. It's all about timing.  
     One thing I've learned the most regarding waiting, is Timing is truly everything
     Has this ever happened to you?... 
     You're at the mall, and you randomly bump into a friend you haven't seen in years, a  co-worker, neighbor or someone you were just thinking about the week prior? 
     Or... 
     You go on vacation, and you start chatting with a random group of people, only to find out that you all have a mutual friend in common? 
     Do you ever think of all the variables that have to fall in place for such an encounter to actually happen??  
     I mean, with our little mall example, the stop light had to change green at a certain time. Your parking space had to be so many minutes away from the front door in order for you to bump into your co-worker, neighbor, or long lost friend at the right time. Not to mention the variables at play with the other person you ran into! 
     But then, you realize that encounter didn't just reconnect you briefly with that person, but sparked a domino effect of either memories, dreams, stories, that would then begin to flavor the rest of your day from there on out. Perhaps some things that you needed to pay attention to in that particular season of life. 
     I've noticed that God truly does know the beginning from the end. And He knows all the different variables at play and what will be playing when your blessing is meant to arrive.  
     If you had gotten your dream job 5 years earlier, you may not have had time to pour into that new relationship that God brought your way. 
     And if you had gotten your dream relationship 5 years earlier, you may have been deterred from walking out some key life and career paths and experiences that God had been inviting you into, let alone, growing in emotional maturity, being ready to love your future beloved well.    
     This is one of the hardest lessons I've learned regarding waiting. Trusting the timing of God. One that I honestly still struggle with.
     But as I look back on my life and the opportunities that have been afforded to me and the miraculous and perfect timing of those things coming into my life, I can't help but trust God with my romance story.
****   

     And with that said, I simply invite you to do the same... To wait with expectancy, to cry when you need to, to allow yourself to be surrounded by encouraging and hope-filled people, to celebrate the victories of others, and to trust that God's timing is at work now even when you think nothing is happening.

     Don't worry, my friend. Your good thing was always, always meant to arrive.




Wisdom's Knocking:

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, 
who does not change like shifting shadows."

- James 1:17 




Wednesday, March 12, 2014

The Structure of Fun



     I know that we as single people have something that our lovely in-relationship folks don't have: Time.

     Sure, the different groups both have 24 hours in the day, but these hours are extraordinarily different for the single person vs. the person who is married vs. the person who has kids vs. the person who just fell in love.

     As single people we often have something I like to call, a trap or a treasure, or in other words: Free Time.

     It's this free time that can become dangerous. And before you know it, you find yourself spiraling and eating whole boxes of graham crackers, baking brownies, and dump cakes all in the same day and still not getting your laundry done or paying your bills on time.

     Now I'm a free bird. In almost every sense of the word and I don't like feeling caged in, or subjected to things I have.to.do.

     And in these past weeks having a break from my television work, I let myself roam free. Because what better way to exercise this freedom, than to have an open day schedule. I'm free like that.

     And so I tell myself casually, I have this, that, and the other to do tomorrow in the midst of my fun and relaxing day. Only to get to that lovely tomorrow, and get sidetracked at 10AM by my last email that took me to Pinterest at 10:30AM, which then led me to a picture of New Zealand.  And by 12 noon, of course I need to plan a trip there. So I start researching plane tickets and tours.

     And then somehow it's 1PM. And that didn't get done, nor did this. Plus, now I'm kind of hungry, but I need to write or do something fun. Yeah, something more fun than writing right now. Let's catch up on some of my favorite TV shows like "Suits" or "Psych". And I'm 20 minutes in, and I hear this cool song playing in the background in one of the scenes. I immediately pause the episode, get on Google and research the song. And since I'm online, I should probably check my email again...

     And now it's 3PM. I finally decide to eat. Something low key. Brownies, of course.

     While eating my nutritious meal, I wonder if I can catch the tale end of "The Steve Harvey" show. I love that show. His producers are fantastic. Have you seen his show? The segments they come up with are Brilliant. And then I think, Oh,  how I love funny guys; and how I wish that I could a marry a funny guy one day.

     And then I think about how I want to be in love.  It's now 5PM. I decide to sweep the kitchen and wash dishes to get my mind off of this revelation. I also want to show myself I have some bit of productivity accomplished by the end of the day.

    Afterwards, once again,  I think about how I'm not in love, and how I didn't get an invitation to Charlie and Susie's wedding last year. I decide it's a good time to write, to write about how I feel about that. It's now 7PM.

     Post is done, it's now 9PM. I'm exhausted.

     From doing basically nothing all day.

    Because the focus of the day, my casual goals of: This, that, and the other never got accomplished, at least not fully.

     And yet, my mind was still racing, and my body still felt oddly tense. This freedom was killing me. My day was neither fully fun nor relaxing.

     Isn't it interesting that freedom, to be truly enjoyed needs some type of boundary.

     Well I learned the hard way.

     After listening to "Lucille's Life Class" (Also known as: Talking to my mom on the phone), It became ever so clear that the same routine I began to implement while working from home for weeks at a time, was the same type of structure I needed to maintain for my relaxed fun and free days.

     But instead, it would be a "Relaxed Routine". Same exact structure premise, just a different name to help throw my brain into "Calm the freak down" mode.

     And sure 'nuff, can I just tell you that I accomplished this, that, and the other regarding my fun and free objectives and had time to spare. And at the end of the day, I felt at ease, grateful, accomplished, and excited for the next day.

     And time had once again become a treasure, rather than a trap.

Here Are 3 Nuggets to Help You Turn Your Time into Treasure Instead of a Trap:

1. It's best to do 4-5 grown folk intervals in a day. What are grown folk intervals They are what I like to call 90 minute time frames or windows. 
Plan to do a major task, and that task alone for 90 minutes. Then take a 30-60 minute break before you begin the next block. This even applies to housekeeping work, bills, rest, meetings, etc. 
2. Disable unnecessary social media notifications from your phone and only check email once every 2-4 hours.  
If your in my industry, of Hollywood entertainment, I know your mouth is on the floor right now. Because we have to basically respond to emails before you send them to us. 
But I've learned, that people will take over whatever time you hand over to them. But if you learn to manage your time consistently with a good work ethic, this is not an impossible thing-- to not check your social media and email every 5 minutes.  
Meanwhile, look up and talk to a real live person, or start working on those things that matter to your heart, you know, your dreams and such. 
3.  Lastly, plan your rest and fun time. And when you can be specific, that helps as well.
At the end of today I'll write my 4 grown folk intervals for tomorrow down on a piece of scratch paper, something like: 
- Write Blog Post / Handle Things Pertaining to My Blog 
- Fun Time - Watch Episode of "Once Upon a Time"
- Finish Reading the Current Book I'm In
- Work on Newsletter for Blog 

     My day will most likely end around 6PM, and then I can just hang, doodle, search the web, eat brownies, etc.

    All the while, not feeling out of control, and having a full day, full of such peace and freedom. It can happen to you too. #Cheesywink




Wisdom's Knocking:

Let your time become a treasure, rather than a trap.  

 ***
Extras: If you're one of my blog subscribers, I'll be sharing with you the article that shifted everything for me in regards to productivity. Of which my 3 nuggets are inspired by.

Haven't subscribed yet? No worries! Here's the link to sign up. Click Here








Wednesday, February 12, 2014

How to Heal From a Broken Heart

     


     In many ways it seemed doomed from the beginning. But he was cheeky. He was hot. And he wanted me. Three of my favorite traits in a man.

     I ignored the still small voice telling me to just walk away. I was hard-headed, stubborn, and I needed wanted to see this thing through somehow. You know, when you just want to see how the movie ends for yourself. And sometimes, no amount of sage advice can steer your course otherwise.

     But be prepared, because experience is an often cruel professor.

     I knew I was taking a risk, I knew that if I ignored the gentle voice of caution for too long, there was going to be a crash and burn. We were like fire, he and I.

     With him, there were a lot of firsts --first dates by the pier, first embraces under the stars, first kisses on the hillside...and lots of laughs and silliness.

     Oh, how I wanted to be hopeful.

     And then the day finally happened when I chose to give my heart over, knowing that it wasn't completely in safe hands. "But if only I give him more time to change, we'd be happier--I'd be happier."

     Pause.

     See that was my flaw.

     Waiting to get happy, instead of already being happy.

     And my second flaw:

     Trying to change a man.

     Ladies & Gentlemen:

     We do not change people. We do not control people. And what you see is often what you get.

     And any change or control that you have manipulated or forced onto someone's life, is often an illusion and won't be sustained for the long term.

     If there is any changing to be had, let God author it in their lives. The chances of  that change being sustained is far greater.

     "The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them." - Maya Angelou

     That goes for both the good and bad...

     And then we crashed and burned.

     He cheated and now there was a baby involved. Hers.

     And I spent my nights crying and heaving and crying some more. My heart was utterly and sincerely broken. That was brand new and all kinds of awful for me.

     My tender heart was now thorny and raw.

     So this is what they meant when they talked of a broken heart.

     But I didn't want to look gray, nor did I want to feel like it for the rest of my life.

     And slowly, weeks and months pass, a letter comes from him. Sincere and apologetic, but expressed everything that I had already known beforehand. We were never truly meant to be together.

     And the second blow of heart break pounds my chest, sending reverberations like questions in a mathematician's mind. Why did it all have to figure out like this?

     But replaying and asking questions that were neither here nor there, wouldn't lead me to what I was lacking in the first place, a mature understanding love.

     And then the days became weeks, and the weeks became months and so on, and so forth.

     And my brokenness would soon lead to relief, freedom, and renewed hope.

     Healing came. And so did love.



     And now, I'm so grateful to share with you How I Healed From A Broken Heart: 


Forgive:

     This was honestly my very first step. I didn't feel any emotion when I did it in my bedroom by myself, but it was important to get the words out and let my heart follow suit when it was ready.

     Forgiveness is not about excusing or justifying the behavior that this person did to you, but instead, forgiveness sets you free from carrying the burden of hatred. Which by the way takes up far more energy than you would believe!


Talk it Out:

     Having 1 or 2 key people that you can simply share your heart with is key. These are the folks that will just listen and not try to figure everything out for you. And once you're done talking it out. Then talk it out again.

     Each time you talk it out, ask yourself what you're learning about your own heart from the words that you are sharing.

Release & Pray:

     There's so many times when we just don't understand. Why? Why? Why?

     And when it comes to the many layers of a broken heart, one must be prepared to truly release the pain and give it over to God.

    You may find yourself grabbing the pain back once in a while, simply because it was your comfort tool, but just keep releasing. It will be worth it.

Connect/Re-Connect With Those Things You Loved to Do:

     Do you remember you? If not, you're about to go on a journey of recollection and discovery.

     In fact, we all are discovering --what's been there in us, what's still there in us,  and what will continue to be there in our hearts.


And Believe for Better:

     If you can't begin to believe, see, or agree for something hopeful, you'll most likely not recognize or walk away from a truly hopeful adventure and go back into the arms of your painful past cycles.

     Much like how an abused woman will often find/attract another abuser until she starts to believe that she truly is worth more and deserves better.

     You heart is worth so much more than you know. And there's someone out there that truly knows this to be a fact as well as a gift they want to cherish.

     And the first someone who should embrace this revelation... is yourself.





Wisdom's Knocking: 

“Suffering has been stronger than all other teaching, 
and has taught me to understand what your heart used to be. 
I have been bent and broken, but - I hope - into a better shape.” 

 ― Charles Dickens, Great Expectations










Thursday, January 30, 2014

4 Secrets to Becoming Brave





I honestly believe that we are not meant to walk through our time on earth like drones or zombies.

Living. Well, it's something else. And it takes more than just breathing. It takes more than just observing. It comes alive in the doing, and in the risk taking.

Fear is the opposite of Love.

And fear holds us back in countless ways, day to day, month to month, and year to year, before we know it, we've missed opportunities that we can never regain in the same way. We secretly wish that we would have been courageous. That we would have walked away sooner. Or that we would have said yes, before the chance passed us by.

But it's not too late to be Brave.

I love encouraging you in the ways of love and also in the ways of adventure.

This life is meant to be lived, and lived fully.

What would your life look like, if you were suddenly brave--braver than you've ever been before?

I think you'd be proud and pleasantly surprised.

The old folks used to say, if you're going through something hard...well, just keep living. And if you haven't gone through something hard and difficult...well...just keep living.

I'd like to add a little something to that. Living, and getting through the difficulties and even the highlights of life take a special sort of bravery. A bravery that is tempered with perspective and the ability to risk again and again, whether in love, career, friendships, relocations, etc. It's a type of bravery that allows you to believe in a hopeful future beyond your own legacy. This type of bravery can be acquired by absolutely anyone, and it has the potential to change the world.

With that said, it's time to live and it's time to be brave!


4 Secrets to Becoming Brave: 


1. Be Loving

Remember how I said that fear is the opposite of love. Do you ever notice, that when you're in a relationship or feel well loved, you feel practically invincible. Anything and everything seems possible. You get the energy to pursue dreams that you never thought you would ever do.

While most people would concentrate on getting someone to love them to achieve bravery. It's crucial that you know that you are already loved and being sought out by God. #truestory

If you don't abide by that reality, of already being Loved, being brave and selfless will not only be a bit more difficult, it may even seem unnecessary and elusive at the most important of times.

Practicing the act of loving, is all kinds of brave wrapped in one.

You might get rejected, ignored, hugged, cried on, whatever. But your part in all of this, in order to become more and more brave is to love and to love intentionally. Simply love and be kind to the one in front of you, sincerely.


2. Stop Hiding

This is a big one.

We human beings are funny. We want to be known and seen. We want acknowledgement and fame, and yet, we don't want to step out and be highlighted in unfamiliar territory.

But you must.

You must get out there.

I too, adore hiding. I love being in the background. It's comfortable there. It's territory that I know. But my heart keeps challenging me to step off of the cliff into new lands that I've never been to before.

Dream with your heart.

So you love to dance, but none of your friends do? That's okay. You should still sign up for that dance class. You wrote a song, but you don't think you're ready to play it in front of a friend? You should.

Sure you might be scared. But being courageous and brave doesn't mean you don't feel scared, it simply means that you do it scared anyway. I know. Not the type of encouragement or secret you wanted to hear. Ha! But the reality is, you will get better and better at pushing through and releasing fear over to God, the more you stop hiding, get out of the boat, and take risks.

Because when you are seen, it's not just about you, it's about them. The eyes that get inspired by seeing you be brave. And in turn, will spark a new seed of bravery in someone else.


3. Get Vision & Say Yes

Have you ever done a vision board? You know, Pinterest 1980s style? Where you cut out pictures (From a magazine, etc.) that remind you of all the dreams of your heart (Career, places you'd like to travel to, things you'd like to accomplish in your life, style, relationship hopes, etc.) and you post them on some sort of board, whether big, medium, or small. If you haven't, its time for you to do one. And if it's been more than 2 years from your last vision board, it's time for an update.

Vision boards are powerful, and placing them somewhere in your home where you will constantly see it, helps to reinforce the dreams in your heart.

So when opportunities arise, whether big or small that you've been dreaming of--and they will arise, you simply need to practice saying yes.

I recommend visualizing yourself first being brave and doing the thing you think that you could never do.

With that said, practice saying yes, now.

Don't let the fear of success or the fear of failure shut you up.

Practice saying yes now, and be committed to your yes.

You've had dreams of being a CEO. So when someone asks you to be the head of a committee at your current job and you feel slightly stunned and not perfectly prepared in every way, say a prayer, and then say YES.

You've had dreams of speaking to groups of women across the country. And then someone asks you to speak to a group of ladies, to simply share your heart, don't think of all the things that could go wrong. Simply say a prayer, and say YES.

You've always wanted to travel overseas, and your friends invite you on a trip to Africa, giving you some time to save money for the trip. Guess what. It's time to say YES.

And note: While you may be saying yes to said opportunity, know that seasons of our lives change, and what you said yes to in one season may not be a yes in the next season, but it's imperative that you step out and TRY, breaking the fear of risk and perfectionism.


4. Get Supportive & Supported

It's amazing what happens when you go on a crazy journey with someone rather than trying to go it alone. There is strength derived from supporting someone else to do something crazy and seemingly impossible.

Being a support team for someone else is a major secret to becoming brave. Be sure to have 1 or 2 people in your life that you are encouraging and being supportive towards in terms of their dreams and their life journey. These are not folks that you casually say, "Go get 'em, tiger!" to. These are the people that you cry with, laugh with, and text to make sure they are writing all of their blog posts for the week.

Being invested in someone else's dreams makes you brave in ways that you would not believe.

Seeing what other crazy things people are attempting is quite humbling and inspiring at the same time.

These beautiful souls are in the fight with you.

And in the most dire of times, you'll find yourself supported by these same champions. Because they know what it's like to be standing on the edge of a cliff with 2 choices. And these people are determined to see your soar, just as you helped them fly in journeys past and present.

Bravery is never just for ourselves.

That would be quite empty.

Bravery is undoubtedly for the sake of love.



















Wednesday, January 15, 2014

5 Ways to Know You've Been Single Too Long




1. You Can't Remember the Last Time You Had a Proper Date

Or perhaps you refer to a date or a relationship as "Going Steady" of which I'm here to kindly tell you no one uses that phrase anymore, well not since 1987 and only on special occasions.

But really though. When was your last date. When did someone ask to take you out, make plans, pick you up, and Ladies: Where he pays your entire way -- yes, I'm about THAT Life. #unapologetic

When did someone say to you, "I'd love to get to know you better."

Whoa. Did you see that? That was intentionality right there. So let me back up, when was the last time someone was romantically intentional with you and I don't mean just for sexual gratification, I mean, like on that level where they want to know how your mind works and how God made your soul. Yeah, I just went there.

If you can't recall or this has never happened to you, you may have been single too long...



2. Your Parents Stop Asking for Grandchildren 

My parents regarded education as a must and a priority while I was growing up. Boys would have to wait. My mom assured me that boys would always be there. I'd have plenty of time for that stuff in college or after college. But until then, "You ain't got time for no boyfriends."

And then college came.

And then college went.

And I could tell that my mom was now starting to get nervous. It was that look of nervousness I had in high school when I thought I'd never ever have a boyfriend. Oh, how the tables turn.

And then my mid-twenties came. And friends were getting married left and right, and babies were popping out everywhere. I mean everywhere. And folks would joke with me about me being next.

And I could see my mom on the sideline, "Please, Lord Jesus."

Fast forward to family gatherings in my late twenties. Still with no boyfriend in sight, the topic itself was the white elephant in the room. And occasionally, in gentle subtle ways, my mom would mention her future grandchildren to me, you know, how she would just like to see them. No big whoop.

But now, I'm 33 and when my mom and I hear of another 23 year old getting married and having a beautiful baby 2 years later, there's simply a deafening silent hush that envelopes the room.

If you have a similar story, you may have been single for too long...


3. While Watching the Romantic Bits of a Disney Cartoon You Find Salty Tears Making Their Way Down Your Cheek.

I've found that I've become way more sensitive while watching the most mild mannered love stories. Whether it be a cartoon or a Hallmark movie, I find myself almost overly connecting to the prospect of romance in a storyline.

Perhaps this is an upside, a blessing in disguise. The little things, like holding someone's hand, being held, a soft kiss, now hold far more weight than they ever have before. They now possess a type of beauty that I honestly never noticed before. And my heart is truly moved. Whereas for others, their hearts may be stoic and desensitized to such small and almost trivial looking actions.

But at the same time, I'm constantly like a teenager, enthralled with the visual of romantic love (And again I'm not talking about sex here, I'm actually talking about storyline--the journey of getting to love) and it has the potential to become a weird emotional crutch if I'm not careful.

So if you too, find yourself overly emotional while watching rom-coms, Disney cartoons ("Aladdin", anyone?!), and every Hallmark Channel Movie, you may have been single for too long...



4. You Send Yourself Flowers and Love Notes, and Not Just on Valentine's Day. 

I often look in the mirror and tell myself how amazingly beautiful I am or how hot I am. #realtalk

Look, my reasoning, is that my man is not currently having the honor of seeing me on a day to day as I bring my A-game. And yes, I do know how to bring A-game in case you were wondering. And as I've said before, I may be single, but this is not the year of ugliness. Trust.

But sometimes, I take it further. Often I like to treat myself. And you might find me picking fresh flowers and putting them in the vase next to my bed.

And yes, sometimes, I also write little hearts in my journal or to-do list. And inside those hearts, I'll write something like: "You're Lovely", "Why you so fine?", you know, things like that.

Those are my versions of romantic sentiments to myself.

I don't think I've gone completely off the deep end yet.

Hey, at least I'm not saying that my flowers and notes are from my invisible boyfriend Fred. When I start talking about Fred, someone needs to organize an intervention.

So if you tell friends that your brand new pair of shoes or those dozens of roses we saw at your desk are from Fred (or Ginger), you may have been single for too long...



5.  If Someone Does One Nice Deed for You, You Are Ready to Make-Out with Them on the Spot.

Look, if you approach me at the right time in life, I might just fall in love with you. These are the times:


  • Sunday Morning. If you see me struggling to set up for my youth group and offer to help me carry some equipment in and set up. You can bet that I will be prayerfully considering you for marriage. #couldthisbeyourwillGod

  • When I'm Traveling on A Plane. If you help me put my heavy carry-on luggage in that over head bin thingy. AND if you help me take my heavy carry-on luggage down. It's guaranteed that I'll want to give you a hug. And possibly even my number, IF you're single. #dontgetittwisted

  • Our First Meeting. If you shake my hand firmly with great eye contact, a warm smile and some smiling eyes, I'm done for. #letthecrushcommence


And with that said, I know my limits. Thankfully, I'm not always like this. Not always...

The kids like to simply call this mindset and its subsequent actions as Actin' Thirsty.

So, if you are actin mega thirsty around the opposite sex, chances are you've been single too long...







What are some other ways you know YOU'VE been single too long?? I know I'm not the only one with expertise in this area. Feel free to put your additions in the comments below:




Wednesday, November 13, 2013

The Aftermath (And 4 Ways to Cultivate Dreams)

     


     
The Aftermath: 

     Last week I got back from my European adventure. You guys, this trip was everything.

     New faces, new places.

     Switzerland, Italy, France, Spain, and the UK. All within a little over 2 weeks.




     Now before you think I'm a complete lady of leisure, you must know, that this trip was a year in the making. A year of saving up and planning. (Shout out to Dave Ramsey! My budget mentor) But this trip started as a small desire, than grew to a dream, than later became a reality.

     I knew this trip would be amazing simply because of the company I would have with me (Two close girlfriends of mine) But this trip also took me by surprise by the way in which it shook me, inspired me, challenged me, and filled me with hope and the ability to dream again.




It's true, travel just does something to us. It stirs our soul, makes us feel invincible and vulnerable all at the same time.

     You realize when you step away from the status quo of your life, fresh perspective arises. You are reminded of who you are, but more than that, of who you could be.



I understand afresh, of why people are filled with wanderlust, that notion of constant movement and travel to bring forth fulfillment and meaning. But I've found, that the complete fulfillment is not in the movement itself, but in what happens with the experience afterwards --how we go about incorporating it (or not) into our current revelation of things.





I could have had this European experience and said, "Ok. That was nice." And moved right back into the rhythms of my life here in California.

     But I've chosen not to.

     In no way shape or form do I want to simply digest this as just a "nice experience".




     Instead, I will intently remember the places and faces that I have met and seen, allowing them to affect me, and to inspire me beyond my present understanding of things.


 And that my friend, is how my old dreams became new dreams.
   


     But then the fight began.



     Coming back home after this trip was a bit like the shuttle re-entering the earth's atmosphere. It was thunderous and met with a great deal of heat.

     Beyond the business of living, everyone seemed to be on a different page, on a different musical note. Could I play the same song? Did I want to? I've traveled quite a bit in the last 15 years, so I was well aware of the "Adjustment period" feelings. But this was different. In fact, it still is. It's that feeling, when you know everything, as you know it, is about to change. But that's what dreams often do, they're notorious for fiercely messing with the status quo.

     And that is where I've landed.

     The atmosphere is vibrating around me with promise.

     And I'm taking intentional steps forward.

     Meanwhile, I wanted to share with you what I've been learning in this new season of life:




4 Ways to Cultivate Dreams

1.  Be Curious 

     Or as I like to say, "Be childlike". I think its ever so important to remain curious in life, to keep pursuing knowledge, to hear more stories from a variety of people, to choose to not get jaded throughout life's cycles and ever so sneaky disappointments, and to endeavor to inspire someone onward, to places beyond their wildest dreams.

2. Get Outta Here!

      You may not be able to take a 2 week holiday to your favorite Continent tomorrow, but you can go for a long drive or a weekend trip at least. Dreams often surface or resurface once you are out of the familiar confines of your life. You have to be intentional about breaking out of your status quo.  And remember, when you travel, be present in the moment. Don't bring all your status quo reminders with you, and try to limit your internet and mobile phone interactions.

3. Treat Yo'self

     When was the last time you did that thing you absolutely love doing? When was the last time you just rested -- to clear your mind and get your head right. When we put down the garment of anxiety, which nearly suffocates us and any dreams that we may have. and put on the garment of rest, that becomes the good soil for dreams to grow in. It doesn't mean that we won't work hard and do the practical things necessary to move forward towards our dream when the time comes, but it won't be out of fear, rather it will be out of peace.

4. Seek Out

     Pray. Ask for guidance. You might not be religious, but I'm gonna tell you right now, you're gonna need some help...beyond the natural kind, on your destiny journey. A dream is always bigger than what we could ever accomplish on our own. And that's on purpose. I believe that God is the Dream Giver. And He so freely gives us the promise of His presence in all stages of life. So while the dream is a precious gift, the Gift Giver Himself will be faithful to walk with you through it all. And trust me, that makes it all worthwhile.

-------------



     But in addition to that list, and inspired by my time in Europe, I've realized that it is incredibly important to connect with your passions and your strengths -- to take the time to remember them.

     Nevertheless, we often get numbed out. Or we simply forget. Or we just get tired.

     I think I was a combination of all three of those factors prior to leaving for Europe.

     But I have hope for us.

     You're reading this for one of two reasons...you're either my mom... or you have a dream that is yet to be fulfilled. A dream that you may have never voiced to anyone other than God. A dream that you were told could never happen. Or a dream that has yet to tell you what it fully is, but you can feel something stirring within you.

     Good.

     Something is being stirred.





     (Note: The new dreams of our heart are rarely new, but yet a powerful blast from the past. It's perhaps an old love being rekindle with a bit of a remix to match the times.)





Wisdom's Knocking:

“Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us, or we find it not.”

- Ralph Waldo Emerson










Photo Credit: All photos taken from the Switzerland portion of my trip.

Friday, August 30, 2013

8 Ways to Have An Amazing Youth/Young Adult Retreat!




     Okay. So I'm still on that summer youth camp retreat high. Like in a mega way. Do you know what I'm talking about? That feeling that you and your teens will absolutely take over the world easy peezy style, slay giants, get crowns, own the streets, all while proclaiming the beautiful name of Jesus.

     There were tears, there were laughs, there were unexplainable creatures and events, and there were once in a lifetime memories made. And I can honestly say that I love my teens more than I did before. And my own passion and love for God has been stirred and awakened in a way that I'd never expected. I mean, I was coordinating this whole thing. But even so, God met me in the midst of it all. He's so GOOD like that.

     So back to my summer youth camp retreat high...That feeling that you're almost floating because something that took months to plan finally came to fruition. But not only did it come to fruition, but it played out about a million times better than you could have ever imagined.




     No? You don't know that feeling? You just know the feeling of burn-out, huh? Yeah, I can relate. That was my experience last year. I was ready to give youth ministry DEUCES after the admin collapse of my youth retreat last year (of my doing and overextending myself).

     If you are a youth leader, youth pastor, or you got conned into being a chaperone/planner/fundraiser/driver for your next youth group retreat. Have no fear! I have some tips to share with you to make this process a bit less painful, and a lot more satisfying. Not just for you, but for the kids and teens (and even young adults) that this may be for.




Now, a little backstory on me:

     I've been involved in different youth ministries since my early childhood years. Does the word AWANA mean anything to you. If not...I'm sorry. AWANA was legend. But let's move forward.

     Fast forward. I became a "spiritual life advisor" at my undergrad college and then I became a youth leader for a fairly large junior high and high school ministry while I was finishing up my senior year of college. After graduating from Pepperdine and heading to USC for my graduate studies, God led me to a small "mom and pop" church in Los Angeles.

     At this point in time, I was burnt-out on church, on Christians, on people, etc. But I felt so at home at this small church that I just kept going every Sunday.

     And then.




     And then the pastors asked me, if I would ever be interested in heading up a youth ministry for their church since they didn't have one yet. I did the normal thing and simply said, "Um...I'll pray about it." Translation: "UM HEEZEY NO."

     But trying to outrun the call only makes you more frustrated.

     And so in 2007, I said yes. I said yes to leading a youth ministry that had ZERO kids. I mean. How hard could that possibly be?



     Well after I said yes, they miraculously started showing up. I don't know how these kids even found out. But they did.

     Of course.

     And our youth group was an age range of 11-15 year olds those first couple of years. There was probably about 10 kids all together. That was plenty for me. Because I didn't feel like I knew what I was completely doing. And I didn't want to risk messing up the minds of our future generations in mass numbers. So small was GREAT for me.

     It still astounds me how much my pastors trusted (and still trust) me so completely. I mean, I could have been a complete wack job. But in those early years (and as I still do presently), I desperately leaned on God to get me through every lesson, create every curriculum, activity, prayer time, teaching style etc. Because I felt strongly that I was not meant to model this small youth group on the mega youth groups and ministries that I had been apart of. I felt strongly that God wanted to do a new model. Which involved me being in a lot of prayer to hear what the heck that model was suppose to look like. (I'll share in more detail regarding what that model has evolved into over the years, in future posts)




     Meanwhile, God sent me amazing youth leaders like Dina in those first few years. Everyone should have a Dina. Someone who understood that teenagers were not to be feared or to be caged, but needed opportunity to sincerely connect and be adventurous. My youth ministry gained its heartbeat because of this woman.

     And then a few more teens (or "kids" as I call them) started coming. And the natural progression of things seemed to point towards a youth retreat. Honestly, the thought had never crossed my mind. But Dina had pitched it to me.



     And then I remembered, all of my profound memories of encountering God as a young person had to do with being at a camp or on some retreat with my peers. How could I have forgotten how monumental these trips were in building community, strengthening spiritual life, and establishing (or continuing) a powerful personal history with God?!

     Sold.

     So Dina took the reigns and planned our first ever summer retreat, a spring retreat, and our second ever summer retreat. All of which were successes--Admin wise as well as Impact wise on the kids.



     Dina's admin skills, helped to take the load off of me especially since I'm a bi-vocational youth pastor. Meaning, I'm on staff at a church, but I also work a secular job. And my second job happens to be in the realm of television. So for those of you in this field, you know how long our hours can be...

     So having someone like Dina was a true God-send.

     But the time came when Dina was meant for other endeavors and I then stepped into the role of retreat planner. And I thought, "Well this can't be so bad. I've planned other high school functions back in the day."

     Wrong.

     All I can say, for anyone that tries to plan a trip for more than 10 people...well, God bless your ministry.




     I've learned a lot over the last few years, and this year's retreat was by far my most favorite. Granted, I'll probably say that every year from here on out. But this year, something shifted. And the lessons I've learned from my failures and success in planning retreats over the last years has most definitely paid off.

     Now with that said, I want you to have thee best youth retreat ever.

     Those kids deserve it, and so do YOU.




     I want you to be continuously excited and not exhausted throughout this process.

     I want you to anticipate and not dread.

     And absolutely know, God has something special for you on the other end, even through the chore of admin, a few apathetic kids, and fundraising.

     It'll be worth it.

     It's gonna be good.

     So good.

     Trust me.

     Now, without further ado.


8 Way to Have an Amazing 
Youth/Young Adult Retreat!
(Especially for a Group of 30 or Less)


1. Pray

     But for serious. Don't even get into any sort of committee or staff meeting until you have spent some time in prayer about What, Where, and Why. And just as importantly, wait for the answer. It may come unexpectedly and from an unexpected source. But it will come.

      When I pray about planning a retreat, I usually ask God to highlight a theme to me or phrase. This year, my youth leaders and I took some time to pray about the youth retreat about 7 months before our retreat date. I then got feedback from my leaders and a month later, I began exploring locale options. I knew that this retreat was meant to be "adventurous" and "cozy". I quickly began researching camp options in Southern Cali.

     And ask others in your realm of influence and/or church family to pray for the retreat, in the months leading up to it, including the actual dates of the retreat. I truly believe prayer makes a difference!



2. Pick a Theme

     What is the goal of your retreat? What is the main objective you want your group to remember from this trip? Is this retreat about learning how to Pray? About Marriage? About Songwriting? About Creating Art? About Rest? Or all of the above? Whatever your theme or theme phrase is, it should be clearly communicated to your kids, the parents, and your leaders, so everyone is on the same page.

     You'll be doing a variety of activities throughout the retreat, but you always want to come back to the main objective. And you want to make sure all of your attendees fully engage with this theme.

     And get creative.

     With your theme, you can create logos and fun paraphernalia that can be used to advertise for the retreat, can be put on T-shirts, and welcome packets.



3. Give Gifts

     I love, love, love preparing retreat welcome goodie bags for my kids. These goodie bags have a variety of gifts in them, some of which are personalized. Meaning, their names are on the bags, and they might have a special note addressed just to them. They never really know what they're gonna get at a retreat. But they've been spoiled. They always know a goodie bag is coming and it will almost always include a t-shirt of some sort with the retreat logo on it.

     Things to put in a goodie bag:  A"Mixtape" Translated: A homemade mixed CD of special picked songs for that person, a personal note of encouragement written to a teenager, A homemade piece of artwork, an Instagram magnet picture that reminds you of them, gag gifts, retreat schedule, etc.

     My goodie bags in terms of aesthetics, usually go in line with our retreat theme as well.





4. Plan Ahead. Like Way Ahead

     To book some of the more popular retreat centers and camps, you need to make reservations at least 6-12 months in advance.

     Once I had a concept of what I was looking for, I happened to find our camp from a day's worth of searching on Google. And Wallah! I found a gold mine and some other gems as well.

     Also, TWO people should be involved in the planning of this retreat. Never just ONE person. Even if there's one primary person planning, find one person that wouldn't mind assisting in the planning process and possibly chaperoning on the retreat. Be sure to budget your "per-person" retreat cost to include covering the cost of your coordinators, so that your coordinators are not paying out of pocket to attend the retreat.

     Once you've locked down a location, whenever possible, try and visit it with your other coordinator. It definitely helps you get your bearings as well as build anticipation in going back for the actual retreat, if you've found a gold mine.

     Things to always think about: Narrow down and specify the activities you want your group to do. Oh and of course, FOOD and meal times, Try to pick a locale or camp that allows your group to have a bit of a flexible schedule. And if you can, veer away from preparing meals or even ordering meals for your group while on your retreat. Trust me, you want to do as little coordinating as possible once you're on your retreat.

      If you MUST order meals at your venue or camp, be sure to reach out to your vendors and look at their catering menus (Subway, Pizza Hut, etc.) and know your needed order about 2 weeks out from your retreat date.

     Start advertising about the retreat to parents and kids at least 5-6 months out.

     Reach out to potential speakers 4-7 months out, depending on how in-demand they are.

     Start fundraising for the retreat at least 4 months out.

     Do a rough sketch of your entire retreat schedule 4 months out.

     Reach out to potential drivers at least 2 months out.

     And through it all, get familiar with Excel or another equivalent to keep track and record of: Attendees, money collected, items needed, etc.






5. It's A Family Affair

     Not a one man show.

     Often as the youth leader or youth pastor, you're the one everyone looks to, to make things happen. And if you're not there, it's like. "Um. Now what?"

     But this shouldn't be so.

     Everyone has a part to play. (I Cor. 12:12-27)

     And often when you extend a level of trust to someone, they will rise to the occasion. Yes, not always, but many times.

     With that said, get your older youth groupers (Between 18- 21) to get more involved and engaged with this retreat by helping fundraise, being youth leaders for small group discussions at the retreat, dorm room chaperones, etc. And if you have young adult youth leaders (Over 21 years of age), definitely encourage them to help chaperone/teach/and/or drive during the retreat.

     This is a great way to give more responsibility to the older ones, and it's a great way of sharpening future leaders. And through this process, organic discipleship begins to flourish.




6. Fundraising

     There will always be one if not more kids that need financial assistance to attend a retreat such as yours. Be sure to connect with parents and kids regarding this issue. This can be a sensitive topic for some. The desire may be strong for a particular kid to go, but there's shame he/she (or parent) is carrying in having to ask for financial assistance.

     So be kind. Be compassionate. Be forward in asking certain parents and kids if they need financial assistance. But there will be times when you will sense the need to be discreet. Follow that.

     There are plenty of ways to fundraise, from baking goods, selling jewelry, knitting scarfs (Yes, we've done all of those), to simply putting up a donation box designated for the "Youth Retreat" at the back of the church.

     Because of these methods, we, as a small "mom and pop" church have been able to raise thousands of dollars for our youth retreat over the years and have paid the way for quite a few kids to go on retreats for free. Kids that would have never been able to afford to otherwise.

     You'll be surprised by the giving hearts of the people around you.

     Generous people still exist in case you were wondering.




7. Be Flexible

     Be willing to be flexible. Things happen. And often you think a monkey wrench has been thrown into your plan 3 weeks out, or even during your retreat, but in actuality it turns out, it's for the best.

     Pay attention to what's happening in your group, and be willing to go in a slightly different direction.

     I remember preparing to teach in one of our retreat "teaching" sessions and then I prayed and felt that the group was meant to get in one-on-one groups and simply "talk" to one another and pray for one another.

     What about that teaching that I prepared?!

     Oh, calm down Rigid Rita.

     The fruit of what happened after those amazing teenagers and young adults spent quality time being present, talking about their home life, personal life, God, the weather, favorite band, etc. and praying, resulted in tears and momentous life decisions. No big deal.






8. Have Fun!!

     It's hard to be fully present and engaged in the awe and wonder of being in a new or exciting place, when you're in coordinator mode, but it's possible!

     I know I mentioned prayer before, but I'm gonna say it again. Prayer makes a difference. And having a prayer team covering you and your team and the kids during your retreat is vital! You need to know that you are not going at this alone.

     And remember, before you were given the task of spearheading this retreat, God already knew all about it. And He trusted you with it, because He knew you could do it with Him.

     So breathe.

     Go ahead. Breathe deeply.

     And get into the rhythms of His grace. It's in that place that you'll be able to enjoy the fruit of your labors. Even in the midst of planning.

     And with that said, I hope you're ready.

     Because you're about to have a retreat to remember.










Photo Credit: All photos are from our 2013 Summer Youth Retreat