We Don't Have to Take Our Clothes Off

    

      I'm learning quite a bit about intimacy in this stage and season of my life.

     There is such beauty to be had in a kiss, in an embrace, in a cuddle--and yet, I haven't partaken in these acts in over a decade.

     But more so than the physicality of things and moments, my heart and my body are yearning to be known, and to share those victories and defeats with a witness and a companion.

     The reality of these last two months have shown me that I am not only a survivor, but I can learn to thrive in the midst of tension and impossibilities.

     The verdict is in. In all actuality I was indeed stood up last month. I learned that our mystery guy had been in town once again, but failed to reach out to me. And this time it didn't appear to be an accident.

     Thus, I've not heard a word from the man that offered with such calm kindness and expectancy, to take me out--to meet my heart half way and to explore my journey alongside his.

     Instead, he's chosen to be purposefully silent.

     And once again I had space to weep.

     But he made space.

     Oddly enough, the week he and I were suppose to meet, I had a mentor of mine pray with me. She knew nothing of my tentative date plans, but all of a sudden, she started praying for my love life, my future boo, my husband-to-be. And she went to town.

     But her prayer started to take on a different direction. She prayed against anything that would hinder God's true love story in my life.

     At the time, I thought she may have been specifically praying about me and Mystery Man--about the hindrances that we were encountering trying to lock down our date plans, but it turns out, she may have been praying protection against Mystery Man and I getting together in the first place.

     Perhaps space needed to be made.

     I was ready to bare my soul. To be intimate in the ways that don't involve the shedding of clothes, but rather the connecting of souls, of minds, of hearts---and of callings.

     But then I was halted.

     I was forced to make space.

     And positioned to reevaluate.

     Who am I? And what do I really want?

     I know, I know.

     These questions are the deep ones. The ones we don't always like revisiting. Because, you see, we have to sit with the Truth.

     And often Truth tells us those things we are afraid of--or those things we've been trying not to hear for years and years.

     But space had been given to me, and I had to face the Truth.

     I came across someone online months ago that invigorated and gave life to the Truth in me. It wasn't his mere physicality that drew me in, but it was his heart. To hear someone talk about Truth, love, legacy, and the fight, in the same language that I have all these years, scared the crap out of me.

     He was a blatant reminder of what my heart knows it was made for.

     Now before you get giggly or try to do a search on my Instagram or my blog for this person. Let me help you out.

     He was and is the reminder.

     Beyond that....merely an acquaintance. Not yet even a friend. And that's okay.

     Because he is free.

     He is free from trying to be captured by my manipulative tendencies, my needing-to-be-stroked ego. My dormant yet eruptive insecurities.

     He is free to walk into his own love story. He is free to choose.

     And how lovely it is to choose.

     How powerful it is to choose. Even when you don't know the full outcome.

     And yes,  I am a champion for his love story.

     Even and especially if it by no way involves me.

     But if for some strange reason, he is actually reading this, and I have a feeling he is.

     This is for you:

     I see your heart and it is beautiful.

     I see your hidden pain and the past struggle. And it is beautiful.

     The hope that your heart carried when you were a young boy regarding love, marriage, and family has not been in vain.

     And regardless of how your journey has gone or not gone, it has been beautiful.

     You deserve both hands holding your face ever so gently. A safe haven for your tears.

     Because you have cried and you've wanted to cry some more. And that too has been beautiful.

     It is in your vulnerability that your strength truly lies.

     It is not your strength that I'm after, but your subtleties that I admire and want to honor.

     Thank you for being the reminder. And the exception.

     Because in this journey and in this fight, we all must be reminded what we are truly fighting for.

     It has been your brave heart, your integrity, and your pursuit of God's heart through it all, that has stood as Truth to me and my heart.

Video: Ella Eyre - "We Don't Have to Take Our Clothes Off"

Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8iwmdq_clSQ

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     And as I walk once again into the direction of the unknown towards my own Field of Dreams, I am learning the ways of intimacy, especially as it pertains to how my heart was made and what God has truly made it for.

     Take time to listen to your heart today--and the risks it wants to take and the dreams it dreams up.

     Let's be brave. More brave than we've ever been. Especially in the realm of love and life callings.

     You have not been completely defeated. No--not yet.

     Some of you are just starting a brand new relationship. Others are still waiting in the wings.

     But regardless of your current status, you were made to know and be known.  Just as you are.

     You were made for real and true intimacy, and that's not taboo and that's not a crime.

     In fact, true intimacy is meant to be the place where our life and love flourishes in and through us--Spurring us on--fueling energy into every part of our ever expanding lives.

     Even more so, this type of intimacy is not for a far off time in your life, like during a mid-life crisis or your deathbed. But alas, you can experience this intimacy even now, right where you stand.

     Because you see, we don't always "have to take our clothes off to have a good time" or wait to experience a moment of sheer truth, childlike joy and freedom--


     Often--we just have to be willing to let our own walls down...

Wisdom's Knocking:

“I’ve loved you the way my Father has loved me.
Make yourselves at home in my love.
If you keep my commands, you’ll remain intimately at home in my love.
That’s what I’ve done—kept my Father’s commands and made myself at home in his love."

- Jesus
(John 15:9-10 - The Message)

Hurry Up and Wait

     

   
     I wanted to title this blog post: "I Feel Stupid."

     But I felt like that was too much in your face, you know?

     Instead, I want to ease you into the ache, and not give it to you right up front.

     There's this scene in one of my all time favorite movies, "Field of Dreams" - where a little girl has a bit of a dangerous fall.

     It needs to be noted, that this little girl was the beacon of faith in the movie. She saw what most couldn't. And she simply and calmly "believed" certain good things were going to come to pass -- amidst all the other panicked voices that spoke the contrary.

     So she has this brief fall of sorts, and after she is picked up and asked, "How you feeling, honey?" The little girl perfectly says: "Stupid."

     Every time I watch the movie and hear that line, I laugh and cry.

     Because isn't that they way we feel after we trip and fall, especially if people happened to be nearby to witness the whole crime scene.

     You could be walking on what seems to be a pretty straightforward yellow brick road, and then all of sudden you lose your footing and everything that you were carrying gets flung into the air. And then the slow-motion begins as you make a painful descent to the hard earth below, so perfectly positioned to fall ever so hard on your rear end, with your heels betraying your legs and ending up somehow in mid-air.

     So last blog post, I shared about how I was stood up. How I almost had a date, then didn't...

     Painful, indeed.

     The outpouring of love via private Facebook messages, text messages, and emails surprised me and overwhelmed me in the best way. The wisdom that many of you carry is astounding. So thank you for taking the time to love me and to share with me your heartache, your victories, and your overcoming spirit.

     Now guess what.

     Apparently I wasn't stood up. But he had a mild accident of sorts and I wasn't able to find out until afterwards.

     Naturally this would happen to me...

     And yes, he's okay.

     So, of course--After I pour out my heart to you and the internets; the next day, is when I  hear a perfectly sane story of good intentions gone awry.

     We are meant to reschedule, but I haven't heard back from him in over a week...

     And now I'm wondering if I should bust out my Kenny Rogers album. #KnowWhentoFoldEm

     With that said, I'm reading and re-reading your words of encouragement; especially as it seems I'm in another one of our favorite waiting seasons...

     I mean, why can't we be in fulfillment already?

     I had a dream last night that I was held, hugged, and adored by a man. When I awoke this morning, I started weeping, because I honestly thought my dream was real life. Has that ever happened to you? Where everything feels so real, that you don't realize it's a dream until you physically wake up?

     So yeah, that's how my day started. And for those that are curious, the man in my dream was not the man I was suppose to go on a date with a couple weeks ago--this guy was an old friend of mine. But rather than thinking of my old friend, I'm also looking at what his presence might represent to me outside of the dream.

     Oh, I know what it was. This guy friend made me feel safe. I always felt safe around him. And we hugged only once, which I know sounds strange to say, but those are the facts.  I just remember being in that embrace with him thinking, "Wow. I feel so safe here."

     But that was a couple of years ago.

     And what I had last night was a dream.

     And I've been tripping and falling all over my yellow brick road, landing on my butt these last couple of weeks.

     And I feel bruised and tired.

     And I also feel a little bit stupid.

     I texted our guy last night, only to hear the lovely sounds of crickets up until tonight.

     There's probably some sane and easy explanation.

     Or the answer is staring me in my face...

     But we are dealing with a girl who is partly tired, partly sexually frustrated (For a detailed explanation, click here) and a girl who is partly scared to believe in someone again with her whole heart after a decade of disappointment, let downs, almosts, and loads of "hurry up he's around the corner"-- Oh wait. No he ain't...

     But all this hurry up and wait is getting a little bit too much for me.

     My heart hurts. And my arms are empty.

     But nevertheless, it's in the waiting that we get our strength--

     I know that particular truth seems so cruel and almost stupid. And I honestly can't breakdown in bite size detail, how this exchange of waiting actually brings forth life in us, I just know that it does.

     Waiting sifts us and prepares us.

     I mean, there are stages to being pregnant, and each waiting stage is purposeful. Albeit, that last trimester, I know many women are like, "Yo, I'M DONE BEING PREGNANT."

     And that's kind of how I feel.

     But we're not left on our own in such processes. I'm so grateful for the Holy Spirit in all of this. The One sent to bring us comfort in times such as these.

     You and I are being forced to learn on the ground level, what it really means to be infused with strength through the waiting.

     I've come too far to throw it all away now. And so have you.

     I may feel stupid. I may feel pain. But I'm going to do my best, with my mustard seed of faith to let waiting have its perfect way in me.

Wisdom's Knocking:

"Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The everlasting God, the Lord, The Creator of the ends of the earth,
Neither faints nor is weary. His understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the weak,
And to those who have no might He increases strength.
Even the youths shall faint and be weary, And the young men shall utterly fall,
But those who wait on the Lord Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint."

Isaiah 40:28-31