Monday, June 03, 2013

I'm Perfect

Photo Credit: Hannah Anderson

     The moment you realize you're not.

     Which is an odd thing, because I think we all sort of think we're right and perfect in our own way in our own experiences, pretty much all the time.

     I have this obsession with wanting to be right in everything I do, and at the same time never wanting to cause conflict. You can see that this combination of logic is doomed to fail at some point. Most likely pretty quickly.

     And it has quite recently.

     I now have come to the point where I let my heart adjust to the emotions of being told I was wrong and then allow my intellect to catch up and give me proper understanding as to what fueled my misstep, whether ignorance or a behavior pattern, or a means of self preservation or pride.

     This time, my misstep came as a result of ignorance and presumption.

     Not the first time.

     But this time, all the pieces are not yet laid on the table. Consequences are currently unfolding. And I may recap again next week with a new fresh epiphany. Like how the fear of being wrong and not perfect, makes me wonder if I'm wrong about everything else and everyone else...

     But meanwhile, I adjust to the reality that I'm not perfect. Ugh.

     You perfectionists out there know what I mean.

     It actually causes a physical reaction in my body. Seriously, my heart aches. Because I couldn't do something with perfected excellence. And that I hurt someone through my misstep, my wrongness, my imperfection.

     But thank God, my heart aches.



     Maybe mine is hereditary. Almost like something I can't escape. I tried being ruthless. I suck at it.

     I've been told that I carry the heart of kindness similar to my Uncle Odell who past away long ago, before I ever had a chance to meet him. I believe he was only 15 at the time of his passing. A shining star of 1 in a family of 6 kids. A heartbreak that my family still occasionally feels to this day.

     Tenderness, I think is God's gift to me, to temper my boldness, my fiery pioneer spirit. I'm quick to be an adventurer and take risks in all areas of my life.

     But sometimes, I hit a stride and I get a little tipsy off my own hype, and I feel much more than invincible, I feel perfect.

     Which being perfect isn't bad at all, if only it were true.

     And now Tenderness brings me to the truth:

     You do know some things Patrice, but you also have much to learn. 

     And I know that I may not be the perfect student, but I am truly the willing student--not just in speech, but in action.

     And so here we go, on a learning experience that can either be delightful, painful, or a mixture of both. But never in a place far away from God's touch, from His reach, or from His guidance.

Wisdom's Knocking:

"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me."

-2 Corinthians 12:9