It seems as if most like to experience emotion fast--fast like fury. But, I, on the other hand like to settle into things. And then I stay loyal to the feeling or emotion. Mind you, this can be helpful and harmful. I can get too attached to an emotion or mindset connected to an emotion and not be willing to let it go. No, it would be more accurate to say: I then can become too scared to let it go. Something about the comfort of habit, of cycles, of repetition, knowing what's about to come...and how it's supposed to come makes me feel a bit immortal. I don't know why, but it does.
The helpful part of my settle and steady philosophy is that I become loyal--down to my very core. I will become married to the idea, emotion, or person and sustain that type of vigor and energy throughout an extended period of time.
I was thinking today of marriage. Not like I usually do. I mean, I wasn't thinking of marriage in the same old way I usually do. I was thinking about divorce and why it even happens. At some point, the two lovers were madly in love--madly, passionate. And then, BAM, divorce. Change interferes and jacks everything up. But then again, change is the only constant. So what was unable to sustain was the steady and constant emotion connected to loyalty.
And then I think about the word "cleave". You know...a man shall leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife, etc. etc. I haven't even done my real research on that word in its context, but from what I gather, It looks as if the bond you have with your parents--which is a blood bond, should and will transfer to the realm of marriage, in the end, pointing to permanency. We have one mother and one father, or at least that's what it took to make you. Your (blood) mother will always be your mother and your (blood) father will always be your father. Time or emotions cannot change that. And just as permanent as that bond is. As sealed as that bond and relationship is, so it must be for marriage....or at least the intention of it is implied. What a beautiful and complex metaphor.
Even now, as I write this, I have a random "love" song in my head. This song is basically about taking advantage of a crush or one night stand situation. The brevity of commitment. The short term. We sing along to songs that glamorize "touch it", "feel it", "spank it" but still truly yearn for the reality of what we hear in classic love ballads usually played at weddings.
Steady.
I'm wearing a ring tonight. Yes, on that hand. I'm not engaged. It's sort of a purity ring and then some. I haven't figured out what the "then some" is. But I'm trying to figure things out. I'm trying to clear my head of the short term gratification songs and truly feel and resonate with the loyalty songs. In the end, I don't want to be in those wack statistics of divorce. In the end, I want to be in love. I want to settle.
Steady.
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