The Almost Magician & The Could-Be Queen

   

     My dreams and hopes are made up of somewhat ridiculous, fairytale-like material.

     And you know what, I love that about myself.

     Yet I often loathe it at the same time.

     It's hard and I mean HARD believing in miracles.

     And yet we were made to be dreamers.

     My heart's been on a bit of a roller coaster in these past 2 weeks.

     I attended a beautiful wedding by myself.

     BY. MYSELF.

     This was probably the 4th or 5th wedding in the past couple of years that I've attended by myself.

     So naturally, at the end of the night, leaving the wedding reception, and walking down a dark pathway by myself to get to my car, I broke down and cried in my car for about 45 minutes. No big deal.

     As I'm sniffling my way down the 5 Freeway, I happen to catch a shooting star. It was blazing and it streaked in a type of slow motion, ending with a fizzle of bright lime green light.

     I thought it was beautiful and cruel.

     Yes. One of my favorite signs and wonders: A shooting star.

     Cruel:  There was still so much unresolve in my own heart.

     Here I was encouraging love and standing with love just hours prior, and yet I felt so dejected and void of love. I felt like some weird hypocrite of sorts.

     A preacher of romance with no romance story to tell.

     It's so very hard believing in miracles.

     But yet we were made to be dreamers.

    The pain of being a dreamer at times can feel quite tangible.

     My heart truly ached.

     And I could feel myself just going through the motions of living.

     But then later that week, the tide turned dramatically.

     Thoughts and words and names of people I would say with the least bit of conviction and faith, would somehow become present in my path.

     It was like I would randomly say: "Disneyland, Red Dress, and Diana Ross" in a sentence one day. And the next day, someone would give me tickets to Disneyland and a T-shirt with Diana Ross on it with a red dress on.

     It was all too surreal.

     The clues were everywhere, but what the heck did they mean?

     So yes, miracles were still happening---Just not the ones that I necessarily understood or even wanted.

    Because now my heart was becoming even more vulnerable than it already was.

     And if I were to fall from this height...I imagine it could be somewhat fatal...

     But the signs and wonders continued. And my path mysteriously crossed with some key people in this time frame. It was mindblowing and refreshing to say the least.

     I could feel my heart being renewed.

     And I looked up to God and simply asked, "Can I keep these things? Can I keep him?"

     And there was silence for quite some time.

     So I asked again.

    "Can I keep these things? Can I keep him?"

     And it was like my spirit knew what was coming.

     "Let go."

     But why would I see a shooting star? To simply see it pass? How mean and cruel.

     "Let go."

     But it all seemed so perfect and in my favor. Plus, I'm always letting go. When will I finally get to hold firm?

     "Let go."

     And so, my resistance lasted less than 24 hours.

     And in an instant, I chose to let go.

     And in letting go, I found myself in my most dreaded place: "The Almost"

     I hate that place. I want to throw rocks at it.

     Being so close to the very thing you've always imagined you could have, only to be told, "Hands off--Not yet--Surrender and let go."

     Yes, something feels very cruel and out of order in the midst of letting go. The same type of cruelty of a dying meteor that goes through our atmosphere in a blaze of glory. It's last bit of life showing us something beautiful in the midst of its dying.

     And I think that's what God was trying to show me ahead of time.

     That there's beauty in the letting go, beauty in the breakdown.

     And if we allow Him into this sacred space in our hearts, He will prove to be the miracle we need.

     He is renewing our strength, our hearts, and our ability to believe.

     Because something is happening. Something beautiful is actually forming.

     Not just for me, but for you as well.

     Because the breakdown and the letting go is not the end in itself. It truly is unto something with purpose.

     It's positioning us towards the fullness of the miracle in our lives.

      I wasn't asked to let go in this particular instance because I had done something drastically wrong (as far as I was aware). But rather, it challenged me to trust beyond my own ability to make something happen. And to truly taste and see that God is faithful and good through it all and to let Him author this miracle of romance I've waited for, for quite some time. .

     Believing in miracles is often hard on our hearts.

     But you and I were made to be dreamers.

     The signs and wonders in the midst of our daily grind are absolutely important in this season of life and not to be ignored. But they are not the main plot point in this story. These humble shooting stars of confirmation are simply showing us we are stepping in the right direction.

      And what does my grand dream and miracle entail?

      Quite simply put: Love.

     I want to love well.

      I don't want to be afraid to love with my whole heart. And it starts now. Not at the moment I meet the man I choose to marry. My love begins now.

     It starts with my trust walk on the daily with God.

     It continues with my letting go.

     And it is inspired by shooting stars.


     To my could-be, would-be, almost lover: You will bring constant peace and a sense of home to those that have the privilege of being your captive audience, and I have no doubt you'll be an amazing father one day.

      And to my future self: You are a Queen. And I'm so glad you waited and Let Go. Thank you.


      And to you:


     We are almost there Beloved.

(Now don't punch me because I said the word "Almost"--)

      But remember--God is on our side.

      And He will get us to the other side.

      Past the land of Almost and Could-Be

      Into the world of it Shall Remain.

      Breathe deep.

      We were made to be dreamers.

      And miracles still happen everyday.

Wisdom's Knocking:

"So, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown"

-- Frou Frou, "Let Go"





Video Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=13WAhlE02ew

The Inconvenience of Love

   

     It never fails.

     Actions speak so much louder than words.

     About 4 years ago, I was visiting some friends of mine in Redding, California. It was the kind of trip that dreams are made of. 

     At least my dreams...

    Spending our days at coffee shops, restaurants, and parks--simply experiencing the city. 

    Staying up all night eating pancakes and strawberries. 

     Late night conversations about the supernatural, Jesus, and our potential dating lives.

     In turn, my friends in Redding introduced me to more of their tribe. And right then and there, in a mere moment, my family got bigger. 

     I knew within the first 5 minutes of meeting these new people that I would be yoked with them for a lifetime. 

     It's true what they say, when you know, you just know.

     And that's exactly what happened.

     These were the kind of people you read about in novels from the 1800s (Pride and Prejudice, The Count of Monte Cristo, etc.)  Fierce yet kind. Pious yet incredibly relatable and full of laughter. Vulnerable yet strong. Passionate and loving with such high hopes and vision for a legacy beyond themselves.

     I fell in love.

     Truly.

     And then I came back to Los Angeles.

     Well, what does one do with such a spark?

     Does a flame immediately set a blaze with such given momentum? With such affirmation expressed by all parties involved.

     No.

     True, a foundation for kinship had been miraculous laid like a trap set before us in a forest -unsuspecting to all of us. But what does one do to maintain such connection?

     And herein lies the work and the doing of love. 

     Otherwise known as the inconvenience of love. 

     Truth be told, I'm a bit rubbish at relationships. Ask any one of my best friends.

     I hate talking on the phone. I rarely check my voicemail. And I usually get to properly see them once or twice a month because of my tendency to have an ever increasing full plate of a schedule. 

     These amazing friendship warriors have weathered some of life's biggest storms and greatest victories with me, and yet, I rarely find myself in a position of truly inconveniencing myself on a continual basis.  There may be moments when I utterly give myself away, but the consistency of these instances is lacking in my life.

     Because who likes to be inconvenienced?

     Furthermore, it takes a special breed of human to have the grace to reside and rest in my inner circle, otherwise known as: My ride-or-die clique.

     And those in my inner circle...believe so strongly they've been chosen to be there they rest assured and feel secure ---knowing that my heart to communicate is there, even though we may not see each other for months at a time. (Note: No one in my inner circle is there by accident---it's because I have chosen them--just as they have chosen me.) 

     But yet, the work and doing of love still matters and still must be done. 

     But the thing is, I LOVE and adore quality time with people. But getting to that place of rest with the amount of people I keep relationship with at times can be overwhelming.

     But I'm learning that the gift of such extraordinary friendships becomes an opportunity to lean in on the grace of God, lest I become so performance driven, even in my relationships that I do things void of love and integrity. 

     And yet, the work and the doing of love still must persist.

     God has been reminding me that we truly gain our lives by giving it away.

     The more we try to hoard our time, our finances, our love -- there will never seem to be enough.

     But as soon as we learn to share these things, we become like a river of living water. Receiving and giving with such a spirit of rest, grace, and freedom that those characteristics become more and more apart of our interactions with people. And we partake more and more in the rest, grace, and freedom we share with others.

     In the sacrifice of our convenience, something begins to break open in us. 

     We actually position ourselves for more---more love, more joy, more peace, more of those beautiful moments we wish our lives were full of.

     Wherein, one might think you are setting yourself up for a disadvantage when choosing to inconvenience yourself.

     But no. It's the exact opposite. You are positioning yourself for the more.

     So what happened with my new spark of a family in Redding?

     I gained a sister. 

     She on several different occasions has driven 9 hours to be with me, to come for rest, to sing songs with my youth group, to pray destiny over me.

     I've never known anyone quite like her.

     She, also like me is a very, very busy lady. 

     Yet she is so intentional about her friendship with me. And she knows she has the space and freedom to do so in our friendship. 

     I've learned and seen the fruit of a life of love through her own life.

     She, above many, has taught me about the beauty of being inconvenienced by love.

     I honestly did nothing to gain such love, she gave it freely.

     And I'm simply blessed to be such a recipient.

     And as I look back on some special moments in my life, I'm reminded that many of my biggest and most cherished blessings have come through the act of sacrifice and inconvenience.

     I think God sets up love in such a way that it becomes true in us.  Because love at its core is selfless.

     And yet, mesmerized by the Hollywood culture of our time through the novelty of romance films (of which I love, by the way), we lose sight that love isn't haphazard and although involves us and intoxicates us, is never just about us and our singular lives.

     Romance and love becomes complete in the sharing and in the giving away. In the often inconvenient parts of love.

     But until we get that through our thick hearts, we will continually find ourselves going around the same mountain over and over again as it pertains to the people we attract and the relationships we have.

     But rest assured. Love is patient. And Love is kind. And if you have to go around the mountain again just one more time. Love will be there right by your side.

     Yet, if you're ready to move beyond such weighty and lofty mountain climbs and ready to pass your test with love, it simply starts with an open and willing heart.

Wisdom's Knocking:

"The important thing is this: 

To be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become."

- Charles Du Bos