And Ready to Mingle

     

Photo Credit: My sweet Tiffany Johnson

(Click Here to see this diva in action!)

     So most of you knew that I was steady on a Singleness Vow for all of 2013. I know. I couldn't believe it myself. The long and short of it was that I, on purpose, chose not to date or pursue any romantic prospects all year because I simply wanted to get my spirit and my mind right.

     Have you ever just gotten to the place of overload, where everything in your mind just seems cluttered? I had so many dozens of romance well wishers around me for the last several years that the voices and desires of others got somehow tangled in my own heart. I wasn't quite sure what was true anymore. And more importantly, I was having a hard time hearing what God was saying to my heart in regards to my romance story.

     Now let it be said, I met some amazing men in 2013, but I tried my best to not insinuate, flirt, or ruffle the waters (Is that even a phrase??), my vow was first something I wanted to honor and actually complete because of my relationship with God. If I was going to enter into an sort of romance after 2013, I had enough sense to realize that I'd need God with me every step of the way. I mean, I'm such an Awkward Annie when it comes to knowing how to just be in the beginning stages of a relationship, probably because I haven't had much experience in that territory.

     Nevertheless, my advice to anyone choosing to take a break from your romance pursuits and desires, whether a year long sabbatical or a 3 month breather, please.be.kind.to.yourself.

     While one area of your life may be on a type of pause, the other areas of your life will most likely still be moving full steam ahead. You may catch yourself in a bit of a self-pity party when you count how many of your friends just got engaged or married in the last 3 years and you have yet to have 1 proper date. But Stop.

     Give yourself grace.

     And as you allow one area (an extremely important area) of your life to get de-cluttered and refocused, know that other areas of your life will become stronger and clearer, if you allow yourself to surrender in the midst.

     Note: I did not say "give up". I simply said "surrender". It's that ability to accept and know you cannot control every outcome, but with God in your life, He is working all things out for your good.

     I'm convinced this is one of the hardest things to do. Surrendering.

     Because surrendering is not a one time act. It's one that you must do repeatedly. Ugh. I know.

     It's scary.

     But before you know it, a year full of grace has passed and your heart is ready, ready in a way that it couldn't have been last year this time.

     Heartbreak as painful as it is, can often widen and strengthen our capacity for love, in both the receiving and giving.

     We ain't got no time for bitterness. And I'm learning that fear is a time stealer as well. But simply cry out for courage to scale the mountain. God is faithful.

     So today is January 2, 2014.

     You KNOW what that means, right?

     I'm available.

     Single and Ready...

     Amen.

Wisdom's Knocking: 

"May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears." 

- Nelson Mandela

Below is a cover of one of my favorite songs, "Higher Love" - sung by James Vincent McMorrow:

Human Being

   

     Yesterday I spent New Year's Eve at Disneyland. It wasn't quite the nightmare that some of you are imagining. But granted, I don't have kids, so my ninja multitasking skills weren't being exhausted while soaking in the magic of Walt's imagination.

     I was a bit nervous in going. I was still feeling a bit out of sorts as described in my last post, but I decided to push through.

     I could still feel a bit lightheaded in the way of not feeling completely grounded in my own skin. It's such a bizarre feeling. That feeling is even more intensified by the sea of humanity walking past and around you every second you move through an amusement park, things start to get a bit surreal. But I could almost feel something fighting within my soul to stay present, attentive, and engaged. It was a challenge to say the least.

     But it was something about seeing the faces and smiles of small children that began to melt my heart and do something for my spirit.

     It also helped immensely that I had a dear sister-friend with me yesterday. Someone who knows me, knows my heart, and knows my struggles. She's someone who has also had to face her own mortality in specific ways. As we conversed throughout the day, she continued to set an atmosphere of peace around me and was simply with me.

     I used to pride myself greatly on my sense of independence and prowess. My commanding attitude and all around confidence. But I never realized that these traits were a gift, in many ways an inheritance. But it has become more and more apparent to me that gifts do not equal the whole of a person's identity. These gifts can be an expression of sorts, but it is not the bottom line.

     And the bottom line is, we are defined by God's great love for us. That His love is real. More real than anything we've come in contact with in this finite world.

     Our self perception is often distorted, and we need the truth and love of sincere others to remind us and show us who we really are. We often can express our gifts easily but it takes the love of others to reveal our true hearts. That is why love is an exchange and an ever moving force. It's not stagnant and doesn't simply stare and evaluate itself in the mirror. It moves, reflects, and breathes.

     I'm a bit embarrassed to say that I've chased fame, ambition, and accolades in these recent years. I've endured defeat and shame at the hands of my own prideful mindsets and goals. But this year, is truly different.

     It is.

     I woke up this morning finally starting to feel like a real human being. One capable of existing and living and loving eternally. I am convinced that those of you praying for me have made the difference.

     I commit this blog afresh to my dear family and friends that are spread across the entire globe. This blog is way for me to connect with them and those that have dared to love me and whom I greatly love and admire.

     As this blog officially enters 2014, I pray that my journey continues to resonates with other thirsty hearts.

     Love you.

Wisdom's Knocking: 

"Wake human hearts, 

Our hunger's got to take us further,

Only You can take us further..."

- Eric Brandon, "Trouble"

You can here the song here: